MONDAY: FEBRUARY 14TH 2011
11:49 AM CST
I was sitting on my couch when my doorbell suddenly rang. I leapt from my seat to see who (or what) was at my door.
When I opened the door I was greeted by a man in blue, carrying a pouch and holding what appeared to be an envelope of some kind. After slamming the door in his face out of pure fear I re-opened the door.
The man in blue stared at me with pure contempt (although I could never figure out why). Without any words he handed me the envelope.
It appeared as though it was indeed an envelope, and the envelope was addressed to me......
Carefully I opened the envelope, I didn't want to disturb the contents so I used the most delicate tool I could think of, my trusty sledgehammer.
After 30 minutes of smashing my way through the tough cardboard exterior of the envelope I finally revealed its contents.
A Thor Comic Book
complete with plastic wrapping. What the hell could this possibly mean? Why Thor? Why a comic book? And why me......?
I opened the Thor comic and was immediately introduced to the following images:
Outer-space. Thor. A glowing Woman. Surely this meant something, something important.
I turned the page, hoping to uncover some clues as to what this all could mean, it was then I stumbled upon this next image:
For the love of god. It was a planet. With a face. And it could talk
But what was it saying? What did it all mean?
I took the comic to my favorite seat where I sat and attempted to decipher what the meaning of these strange images were. After several hours I noticed something sticking out from the back of the comic book. I was not prepared for what I found.
That had to be it! Dead Space! The comic book pages that I had turned to took place in what appeared to be outer space, the card that I found referenced space (plus there was a fella holding a gun so surely that meant something) this was no coincidence, something was happening with Space, and it was up to me to figure out what that was.
Luckily for me I wouldn't have to wait long to figure out what that was, for behind the Dead Space card there was yet another item;
A Wanted Poster!
WANTED: Sofik88. DEAD. NO REWARD
. Everything was clear now, the package was a cry for help, someone, somewhere needed my great detective skills to bring in this Sofik88
Dead. Not alive, not beat up and in a full body cast, not tied to a chicken with his pants off and pasties covering his nipples, but dead.
The clues were all there, the comic book depicting space, the glowing woman, the card that read Dead Space
which referenced the comic which took place in space, the wanted poster which had to do with the card which referenced space which was also referenced in the comic book that took place in space with a glowing woman.
Yes, everything was clear. The only other clue I needed was a map, if only I had a map with red ink telling me where certain things were so that my search for Sofik88 would be an easy task. But where, where would I find such a map?
Oh, right here. Haha, it was stuck behind the comic book. Wow, almost missed that one! Sheesh, can you imagine? Me, running around space and stuff without a map!
The Map with Red Ink Telling Me Places To Go
With map in hand I left the comfort of my home, in search of Sofik88, to bring him or her in for their crimes no matter how minor or heinous they may have been or are.
Also, Jim Sterling, if you are reading this I know where you live, I know where your "Secret Lair" is and I will bring you in. (Clearly his secret lair is right there, on the map, no no...to the left and in the middle, see it? Yea, right there, in red ink...Seriously how can you not...oh you got it? Ok, good.)
Oh look! There was a note in Lenigod's package as well!
A girafacorn. How silly, everyone knows that Girafacorns went extinct like a hundred billion years ago. Weirdo.
Now I thought that I had reached the end of the package but to my surprise there were a couple more items, items so incredible and rare that I just had to share them with you.
First up we have this;
GRAN FORZA 5
For the PS3
obviously because it's in a blu-ray case. Duh. I cannot wait to play Gran Forza 5, Jayson615 said that "Xboys just dont get it. Forza can't live up to Forza5s greatness" and Sofik88 claims "In multiple interviews, they said Sony doesn't want them to even make the game".
Well I'm sold!
And then there were these!
Are you fucking kidding me?! COD BLOPS?! I've been waiting to get my hands on this game for like, days and stuff! All of my friends told me that I wasn't edgy enough and that in order to be more edgy I would need an edgy game, like COD BLOPS.
I'm totally gonna out edgy all my friends now.
And last but not least we have the creme de la crop, the end all of the be all, the mutha-truckin, straight outta compton;
GAYLO: REACH AROUND
Words cannot describe the utter joy that washed over me when I saw GAYLO:REACH AROUND
at the bottom of Leni's package. If there was ever a game that all games tried to be it was GAYLO
. If there was ever a game that wanted to be another game as good as or at least as sorta decent as GAYLO
then it was GAYLO: REACH AROUND
I will cherish this game and place it on my toppest of mantles.
Thanks for the goodies Leni, they were all mucho appreciado.
Also, when I have Sofik88
in custody, and I will have Sofik88
in custody, I will send you a telegram with the news.