Mercurial reviews as well as our own Jim's glorifying three are tearing the long standing franchise's fans apart. So before you walk in to your local gaming store or online argument hole, here are a few back up quips to defend your new found stance on why our latest installment is a fall from grace.
1.WHERE'S THE RACISM Resident evil five brought something to the table, something fresh and exciting, blatant stereotypes. An entire chapter of the game filled to the brim with spear chucking ashy skinned zombies. When these black enemies, or as they would rather be called African antagonists, weren't trying to impale you on a shred of bamboo, you could just picture them sitting around eating watermelon and trying to learn how to read. But where is my racism in Resident evil 6? A huge portion of the game taking place in china, I'm furious that not a single zombie has attempted to stab me with chop sticks yet. The height's aren't even right, where are my four foot eight inch zombies that are incredibly hard to shoot at?! The utter lack of a dim-sum throwing slant eyed boss is an utter disgrace to the Resident Evil name.
2Laura Bailey Despite being a decently talented voice actress I have grown to despise this woman's presence in video games. Voicing Helena Harper, arguably the most annoying plot hole of a character to ever grace the series, her groans and yelps fill the one tolerable campaign out of the bunch. Let me enjoy the good ol' days with Leon, without your whining and I'll tell you later cliffhangers. Even more disjointing is that Laura graced resident evil as Sherry Birkin in darkside chronicles, but for some reason didn't reprise the role.
3 MELEE A hoard of infectious walking corpses is sprinting towards you, hellbent on tasting your flesh, you reach for your gun but then decide no, you have god-given tools for this task. Deep from your bowels a piercing roar echos, IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!! Biceps the size of a horse's thigh pound your fists deep into the skulls of your enemies, you're Chris Steroids Redfield, and you don't need some namby bamby 9mm pistol, not when you have two fists that can push a face through a brick wall. Make sure you buy tickets to the gun show, your knuckles are the only thing you'll have enough ammo to reload.
4Logo It's a giraffe getting a blowjob.
It cannot be unseen.
5It's not Resident evil 4 Nothing can dethrone this game, it's formula and pacing was lightning in a bottle. If what 6 lacks truly gets you down, its available for every modern console for around twenty bucks. Capcom hasn't forgotten the formula, they proved that with Revelations, here's hoping we'll get another return to form soon.
The following article is meant in no way to be considered sexist. It is a perspective on a disturbing and usually untrue stereotype.
IF you have a Vagina you are bad at Video Games
Inevitably, if only by luck, the majority of the gaming populace, especially all you shag-a-delic readers of Destructoid, will find themselves in the grace of the fairer sex. She'll be an amazing core of your life, a constant support, smile, and partner, throughout the horrible ordeal that life can be.
When you first met her, those exciting nerve racking dates of yore, she probably noticed your affection to the console. In an attempt to grow closer to you, she more than likely informed you that she too is a gamer.
1. she owned a copy of Pokemon Blue, that she played on her brother's gameboy. She was used so that everyone else she knew could get all the starters. Doubt me? ask her what the third gym leader was, she only knew the first two because of the cartoon.
2. she drunkenly played halo at a party, because 16 guys staring at a screen instead of her cleavage didn't sit well with her.
And you being the REAL gamer that you are, you're going to want to sit down next to the warm glow of a T.V. and lose yourself in the wide and wonderful world we call Video Games.
PROTIP: This is going to piss her off.
It's such a noticeable trend, that the game developers, in an attempt to retain your money, and perhaps even throw a brofist of understanding, have begun to throw in what i like to call, Girlfriend mode.
Examples you say?
So a bunch of people are sitting around a Capcom board room, trying to figure out how to make their hit resident evil series sell to more homes. They had a hit with number four, but any good that did was taken away by Mila Jovich.
-How about we make it a Co-op experience! that's had mild success in the past.
-Alright, Alright, fair enough... but lets reach outside of the box, what demographic are we not hitting... how can we make this more accessible?
-Well, how about in the single player campaign, the AI controls your partner, but anyone can just grab a controller and take over. It would be a great way to involve children, or a visiting friend.
-But Resident Evil isn't a child's game, and any visiting friend of someone who already owns the game, would probably purchase a copy as well.
-(silence)... I guess his girlfriend or wife could play too.
-AND!!! we could make the female AI so bad that even a confused inexperienced lover would be better! That way he would beg her to play with him, and we could create a potential fan out of her!
-But what if our audience finds this sexist?
-Don't worry, we can always set it in Africa, and have them shoot nothing but black zombies, distracting everyone with our alleged racism.
So Nintendo had a massive hit with new super mario bros. Wii, mostly due to the multiplayer. so obviously, they wanted to bring that over, to any and all future games. However, a 3D platformer with multiple people jumping around would probably either suck, or make the Wii explode.
So instead they tack on their girlfriend mode, letting them still meet the qouta. go ahead, give her a spare wiimote, she can't do anything worse than waste star bits, and she'll feel like she helped.
But Charles, you can't tell me a one player game has a girlfriend mode.
HA I SAY! those clever japs found a way.
For those that haven't gotten to play persona, the game is divided into two major portions. your high school, facebook loving social life, where you get to fail history tests, hang out with all the popular chicks, and be totally best friends forever. And then it gets dark/rainy, you pull out your samurai sword and inner demon, and crawl through dungeons slaying the psyche problems of all the local middle schoolers. It's bound to be to hard for your lady to struggle through the deep and strategic battles, but she was already checking her myspace anyway, hand her the controller and let play the social bits. This was so successful they even remade persona 3 with the option to play as a girl.
So she's been complaining that when she plays games with you, she's always 2P. why do you always have to be in charge, why can't she navigate the start menu. And as you ask yourself, why CAN'T she navigate the start menu? why not just save yourself the pressure, suck one up for the success of your relationship, and by the most adorable game in creation. she can't possibly Die, it looks like her grandma's sewing circle threw up all over your tv, and 2P a.k.a. you, gets to play Prince Fluff. He's blue, as in its a boy, has some angry eyebrows, and a crown. He's the most badass 2P ever.
The other gears of war guy dosen't count, as a bad ass 2P, all he does is complain about his dead wife. prince Fluff was to busy RIPPING APART HIS ENEMIES.
And last but not least, the greatest girlfriend mode to date, Final Fantasy 13. she's heard of Final Fantasy before, probably from you, and how you explained your exploits and conquering of your favorite handful. But whenever you boot one up for her, she rarely gets past the intro video. Well, enter stage left lucky number 13. The entire game is an intro video, The three females she's going to pick make one of the better teams, and as long as she can hit x and figure out a joystick (and for crying out loud she's your girlfriend let's hope she can manage the latter) she can enjoy, beat, and play her very own Final Fantasy. go ahead, go out with the boys, have a night on the town, she didn't want you around while she was trying to find out which coat looked better on Snow anyway.
Far to looked over by the common shooter, i shall now debate the greatest punches in video game history.
10. Dead Space:The Isaac curb stomp.
It isn't just the lethality of the magnetically driven boot connecting a necromorph to the cold steel grate underneath it, its the reflex the game builds into you. Instinctively to make sure, after every kill, you'll shamelessly push the right bumper. Maybe not at first, but i don't have to be lied to twice, and in a horror game i always want to be safe rather than sorry.
9. Mario's standard jump.
A fat out of weight Italian plumber just jammed his size twelve doc marten through the shell of that turtle. If someone saw that thirty years ago they probably would have called the cops, now he gets a reward for some weird cosplay achievement.
8. Final Fantasy 8: Gunblade slash and fire
Your getting cut, and shot. In the exact same moment. Its as if someone took a bayonet and multiplied it by awesome.
7. World of Warcraft- the standard attack
It dosen't even matter if the attack connected with the opponent on screen, your digital dice roll said it did. Only in a MMO can hit box detection be accurate in "yards". Whether fighting a scorpion 5 feet below where you swung your blade, or a giant fel demon 10 stories tall, your avatar will do the same blind basic swing, and perhaps thats why the residents of Azeroth are so reliant on gear rather than skill.
6. Donky kong country- Diddy kong cartwheel.
Being beaten up by a gorilla classy enough to wear a necktie is one thing, but the limp chimp that follows suit and attacked you with a cheer-leading maneuver. Thats just plain badass.
5. Street Fighter 4- Sagat's Tiger Knee
I'm willing to be one hundred pesos that before you heard that bald cyclops scream TIGER KNEE for the first time you were not only unaware that tigers had knees, but that they would opt to use them over the god given claws and fangs.
4.Pokemon- Tail Whip
Almost any pokemon can learn it, and it is absolutely ridiculous. Say you came across one day in your strolls a bear, and as you assume the fetal position, expecting a lethal mauling, he smack you with his tail and walks away. Of course you would let your defenses down (foolishly) and then the bear could run back and maul you properly. In fact i think the only reason we don't hear about tail whips more often in bear attacks is because no one survives the aftermath, and that is why tail whip is epic.
3. Tekken- Yoshimitsu double suicide
Not only is the move a giant F-U to anyone that happens to be standing behind yoshi on a day he forgot to take his anti-depressants but it also allows you to lose a fighter without the opponent even being involved, and that takes true skill.
2 super smash bros. Falcon Punch
Captain falcon is a race car driver, who somewhere along the way gained the ability to punch people with a bird composed of fire, wrapped around his fist. It's like if Jeff Gordon jumped out of his car, ran up to Earnhardt jr and yelled gordon punch, and thousands of endorsements flew out of his hand and knocked the driver right off the stage. And that image would be the most magical moment in Nascar history.
1.You- the Frustrated controller toss.
We've all done it, don't even say you haven't. Lost your temper third time that boss took you down? maybe you haven't won a halo match since the first one? I wont judge. But somewhere between Pac-man and the latest madden, the link between your game console and you was violently interrupted, perhaps even shattered on the floor. And that is the greatest melee move video games has shown us.