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I once did a couple of favors for a wizard, and in addition to forcing me to go on a quest to destroy some jewelry, She gave me a crystal Pepsi that lets me see into the future of disastrous pop culture. I would like to share with you one such dark premonition.
The year is 2016 A.D. and the Gas Crisis seems a distant memory. Almost all Canadians have been exiled or buried in mass graves. The entire ex-country has become part oil well, part dumping ground for the whole world. Al Gore releases another documentary about global warming. Chinese is now an offered language at every public school in the western hemisphere. Nintendo's upper management stares at each other blankly, unsure how to continue to fill the bottomless pit they throw their money and sarlaccs into.
A junior executive breaks the silence, his voice trembling at the fear of rejection. "Sir, I have an idea." The board shifts their sole focus onto the sweat dripping from his brow. He is barely heard over the expectant breathing of his elders. "What if we make custom amiibos? people can submit their mii's and we'll send them a molded replica, that allows the function of their mii in all our future games."
The collective shiver up the backs of the board members fills the room with an estatic electricity. The junior member is rewarded with successive blowjobs to the point of dehydration. The website is up in days, and over flowing with orders in minutes. At $30.00 after shipping, over four hundred million are sold the first quarter. Nintendo is forced to become one of the largest owners of 3D printers in the world. Celebrities soon endorse their own custom UMiibos for mass sale, causing A nation wide shipping shortage in the United States. Soon one out of every ten people work for a mailing company. The world begins to over flow with tiny plastic replicas of its inhabitants.
The first question on every game journalist's lips is will it feature UMiibo compatibility. Xbox releases a similiar platform for its avatars but is largely ignored. Sony responds with a complete refusal to join the "bubble market" and stock prices plummit. Sony devices become synonmous with cheap and ineffective due to a lack of Umiibo support. Microsoft is caught virally forcing copies of Windows 11 onto various Nintendo related applications and slowly fades away due to a series of devastating lawsuits and ddos attacks.
Nintendo is left an entertainment behemoth, greater than ever before. The cost of manufacturing the additional vinyl and plastic for the Umiibo rampage shatters our atmosphere. With what was Canada developing as a CO2 hotspot the Sun begins to scathe the oceans. Major news networks barely have enough funding to report the brewing wars over the last remaining plantations. There are more Umiibos than living people on the planet by the Christmas season.
But this world is avoidable, It has not come and may yet not. Do not let Nintendo fall into this spiral! Limit oneself to three or maybe four amiibo purchases. You genuinely don't need them all.
I wanted to try something a little different for this one, so here is a cobbled together video, rather than A grammatically poor set of paragraphs.
Feel free to discuss anything about borderlands with me below.
My 3ds and Me.
I travel alot for my job. I've had many professions, but none have put me on the road like my current one. In the last 90 days, I have been in 14 states, and slept in my van more than I care to admit. My 3ds gets to cuddle me more than my wife some weeks, so I thought I would take time out of my day to thank it.
Praise be to the Clamshell
Please never ever move away from this Nintendo. My needs an eighty dollar case phone so that it dosent immediatly explode when not carressed by a silk clad virgin, does nothing but anger me. I've had the same spotless Gameboy for over three years now, and I am far from a silk clad virgin.
Praise be to the Nintendium.
That feeling of a cheap controller, is so obvious. How delighted are we that the lowest bidder's tin springs we're rejected. May your buttons never jam.
Praise be to the compatability that lay backwards.
I will play the shit out of Lock's Quest and that game came out seven years ago, and was meant for that fat silver prototype DS. Keep doing what you're doing.
Praise be to the OPTION of touch controls.
My hands are giant goliath meat hooks. I use them daily to hang from rafters and pull wire bundles thicker than my thigh. Your stylus functioning as a secondary set of controls delights me, because It cannot be my primary.
Praise be to the library, for I am never bored.
I really really wanted to like the vita. I bought one on release day, and then again 2 years later. Shy of Tearaway, I have zero reason to play it. I understand the digital library is massive for the sony portable, but the modern library leaves the owners LOOKING for reasons to use it. Praise be to Nintendo for consistently releasing a new RPG or platformer for me to embrace. The Etrian Odyssey games alone have kept me occupied for hundreds of hours. Even more upsetting, the vita had massive american potential in games like Gods Eater Burst and Valkyria chronicles 3, and they felt squandered away.
Praise be to Pokemon, the herald of the portables.
The proof that gaming can be universal. The only valid reason I can think to have disdain for this franchise is if the Macy's parade Pikachu cartoonishly deflated and somehow destroyed Manhatten. It arguably saved Nintendo's original gameboy, and proved that we had far more than just Mario and Link to enjoy.
Praise with me brothers and sisters. May the New 3DS carry on this legacy.
There has been alot of talk about DLC lately. With so many companies screwing the pooch, I would like to help the industry get back on track, with genuinely good ideas for DLC. Rather than a slew of characters or levels that seem to have been cut from your game to be purchased later. We should imbrace the additive, not the pre-order.
Payday 2 The Planning.
With the submission of no less than 100 photographs and the blue prints, the payday crew will replicate your hometown bank in game. It is a win, win, win situation! The community gets new levels (for free), the buyer gets genuine simulation experience, and security companies get higher contract rates.
Tropico 5: Best Korea Edition
$14.99 (but literally always on sale)
Hit the political iron while it is hot! If one thing sells it is sex. If two things sell it is sex and artificially defending the only amendmant americans can actually remember. Tropico has always been a game about managing A failing society, but the new DLC finally changes it to oppressing A failing society.
Destiny, by Disney
$ Mortal souls
They are going to own EVERYTHING eventually. Why not turn around the dive and loosely tie in with the universes of Starwars and Marvel? Here is A list of reasons why I am infallible.
They can start calling the traveler the life star.
Ultron as a raid fight.
Think of all the lore you can have just by association.
Sora gets a kingdom hearts 3 level on venus.
Disney infinity gets a bunch of brightly colored awoken figures that sell more than they rightfully should.
The game already has lens flare so it will be easy to make J.J. Abrams' movie a blinding success.
That weird thing the nineties Spiderman cartoon did, where he went to mars with A bunch of other heroes to fight red skull will make slightly more sense.
Dinklage is under contract, so ewok mocap is covered.
Guardians of the galaxy will be EVEN MORE GUARDIANY.
and it all comes full circle, because all the chumps would buy so much shit dlc like X-wing style Personal Cruisers, and lightsabers, that the industry will be booming for decades.
We're about to get mad learned up in here.
So Lets talk mobas for a second. Mobile Online Battle Arenas are an evolution of the Real Time Strategy genre. In modern culture they are used as a deciding factor among small tribes, to decide who has the right to copulate with which mothers.
As they are primarily played by Asians and Brazilians, many suburban white kids are driven to emulate them in order to look cool to the other suburban white kids.
The game is actually quite simple, as that it revolves around one mechanic, Unlubricated Penetration by mouseclick. When a team, or more specifically one fizz or yasuo, roughly penetrates enough of the enemy team's orafices they may then buy lube. This lube further humiliates the enemy by allowing faster and more easy access. The enemy may attempt to purchase their own lubricants, or even restrictive clothing to prevent unwanted penetration, but fortunetly, there are items available for purchase that make even the hardest of turtle shells crack to the might of a fed Zed's throbbing shadowdong.
There are five positions in league of legends:
R-Road; where only people who's names begin with R go, usually the most northern part of the map. Most players who prefer this lane are furries, as that its primarly an aligator, a cat, and a girl so ditzy she dosen't even know her sword is broken.
Strait line; the shortest distance to travel, for even faster losses.
Bottom. Where specifically only 20% of the champions in the game allowed to go, because if you don't have a gun, the ability to heal, or instantly win the lane otherwise, you're immediatly banned for life. Many people think it is called bottom because it is the southmost lane, but it is actually due to having the highest percentage of assholes.
Jungle. You go here if you cant last hit for shit. Whilst the most flexible of all roles you spend most of your time dying to "neutral" monsters who just want to be left alone, but their corpses make amazing steroids. So lee sin despite adopting a golem as his own son, continues to massacre them so he can get them gains.
I am not even making this shit up, His "lore" is he was a league of legends player who fucked up so bad he lost his sight, and then he adopted a talking rock and taught it how to troll people with suprise mobility.
After 300 strait hours of being digitally violated, or "Rekt" as the prementioned white suburban kids call it, you will finally gain enough knowledge to play the in game RANKED FOR SERIOUS MODE, where you will dissapoint four strangers so fast you'll start to confuse them with your college girlfriend.
Which brings us to the topic. Today marks the start of Season 5, where all your past ranked sins are forgiven, and you can fail your personal wishes and end up back a lower ranking. Just remember it is because everyone on your team sucks, and you would be at least diamond if you had enough time.
It's a young man's game and whether you're a casual, or pro, don't forget to take A fucking shower.