As some of you may know, I am obsessed with Showgirls. The movie is absolutely brilliant on so many different levels and has some of the best scenes ever put to film. It also features my single favorite line of dialogue in the history of cinema. I feel a little bit uncomfortable repeating it here, but let’s just say it involves “previous jobs” and “bodily fluids.”

Amazing.

It also helps that I own the Showgirls VIP Edition on DVD, which includes many fantastic trinkets, my favorites being the pin-the-pasties-on-the-stripper game and the Nomi Malone shot glasses.

But I digress. *does signature Nomi Malone hand/arm shuffle*



Late last year, when it was announced that some random German filmmaker was making a sequel to my beloved Showgirls I had two reactions. At first, I screamed in excitement that there would be more Showgirls, but then I was angered once I heard what the movie would be about: something concerning a murder and some kind of vengeful woman and some crazy sex ring ... or something. Basically, the sequel would have NOTHING to do with the original movie and is only using the name “Showgirls” to grab attention.

Argh.

But I held in my disappointment in someone not making a proper Showgirls sequel that obviously should take place with Nomi Malone making it in Los Angeles (if you’ve seen the end of the first film, this cliffhanger is made very clear). I decided to give the crazy German filmmaker the benefit of the doubt, with the hopes that a brand new Showgirls sequel could be so bad it’s good, just like the classic original.



Well ... a trailer was just released for Showgirls: The Return this week, and I have held in my thoughts on it ... until now.

The trailer for Showgirls: The Return is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Like it or not, at least the original Showgirls had a budget and looked semi-professional. Showgirls: The Return looks like it was shot for ten dollars.

Okay, just so you can follow what I am saying, you can watch the trailer right here, but please keep in mind it is RIDICULOUSLY NSFW! It is basically porn. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(You can also click here if that first official link doesn't work. Apparently the movie's Web site just blew up. Ha!)

Now that you have watched it, what do you think? Yeah, I know, it’s the longest, most boring trailer ever, right?

ARGH!

This German filmmaker is ruining the good name of Showgirls!

Since I am assuming this movie will never be released here, I still hold out hope that a true sequel to my precious will be made someday. Heck, maybe some of you want to work with me to get that done! I’m not kidding.

I give the trailer some “so bad it’s good” props for that HILARIOUS scene when the girl “hits” the other girl in the head with the gun. That may be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen in my life.

Which, when talking about Showgirls, is the biggest compliment I can give.

Score: 0.5