Greetings Destructoid! It is I, CelicaCrazed, the tyrant of this glorious City!! When and why did the people vote me in you ask?? Oh....they didn't
. Muhwahahahaha! But let us retrace the steps as YOU
abandoned Paradise City and paved the way for MY
reign of terror.
You see, almost 2 years ago from this date, the Criterion Construction Company finally finished building Paradise City. It was a diverse town with many tourist locations and a bright future. People from all over Destructoid and other places on my Friends List came to take in the sights and sounds, lay down a little rubber and rub some paint.
Paradise City was built different from other towns. It was created with thought, with an idea of expansion. It promoted cooperation and friendly competition. While the City was voted the #1 Worst Place to Live in America
in 2008 (perennial winner, Animal Crossing, reclaimed the award in 2009), its focus around the automotive industry has kept its economy thriving. With the large number of drivers totaling their cars everyday, new ones need to be produced to keep the egotistic billionaires happy. Our low levels of unemployment baffle rocket scientists all around the world!!
Yes, the blood loss due to accidents was a problem at first. It has always
been a problem. The last mayor had to bribe a blood bank in some third-world nation millions of dollars a year to keep the City from going dry. When I came to power I said nonsense to that! Using the taxpayers' money on bribes
!? Despicable!! Instead I contracted a local cattle ranch to supply us with cheap, delicious cow blood. In Paradise City, we buy local!! The saving I pocketed helped pay for my diamond-encrusted spinners on my Carson Thunder Custom. Sure, my leading physician was calling me a "monster" and "disgrace to humanity" and some other gibberish. He eventually stopped saying that after one of the local gangs flattened him off the massive jump on South Mountain Drive. You know, cause he's now dead! Hahaha!! *sigh
* Flattening, the most embarrassing way to go out of this world.
Criterion Co. were always on top of the City's problems. My top informational analysts Ms. Google (*growl
* we'll talk later baby) and Mr. Wikipedia (*growl
* we'll talk later too ba....wait, wut??) inform me that Project Bogart
was the first to be completed, fixing traffic congestion and other infrastructure problems (just...just play along, ok?). A local car-club, Cagney
, introduced new ideas to drivers cruising together, such as Stunt Runs, Marked Man and Road Rage games along with the fantastic Timed Challenges. Hilariously, several of their members died when one member thought they could barrel-roll over seven other drivers in a Hunter Olympus at Big Surf Beach. Those poor souls never stood a chance! Hahaha!! It wasn't until late summer in 2008 when the Davis Agreement
was passed by city council, which allowed motorcycles to be driven on the City's streets. Also hidden in Davis was a small blurb that the council did not notice. The citizens, suffering from insomnia due to 24/7 sunlight, had devised a plan to get Paradise City moved from the North Pole to somewhere back on the American mainland. They succeeded and once again night returned to the land. Don't worry about the logistics of this, just know that it happened and it is all true. While the people were happy to not be paying the outrageous heating bills that were needed to sustain a subtropical climate in the Arctic, I quickly restored their rates to their former levels after coming into power. This was really the only way I could maintain my addiction for hookers and blow. I'm sure you would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes. Yes, I can hear the people building a gold statue of me as we speak. They really
are, I'm forcing them to! Hahaha!!
The citizens of Paradise City were in love with the work that the Criterion Construction Co. had done. One compliment often given to them was that they would have paid for their craftsmanship. Confused, the workers went to their accounting team and asked why people kept saying that?? They were
making billions, weren't they?? This lead to the event forever known as "The Red Monday Morning
". While it would be several months before a person with a business degree would apply at Criterion Co. again, and after the rest of the workforce was released from jail due to a mistrial, eventually they were back in business and working on a top secret project. Well, it would
have been a secret if people hadn't looked out towards the ocean off of 4th Street and seen a massive island being erected. Yes, Big Surf Island
was Criterion Co.'s last great construction job for the City. Completed during the summer of 2009, they later realized that hiring daredevils with a fetish for carnage probably was not the smartest idea for the safety of the locals. The spike in tourism deemed it a success though and the people quickly remembered that money trumps human lives any
day of the week. I am so
proud to call myself Mayor of Paradise City *sniff
Meanwhile, city officials discovered that people would pay for parties, several automotive companies produced a new line vehicles for midgets, and the Paradise City Police Department bolstered its crackdown on local racing gangs and gold thieves. I was furious
when robbers took off with my gold vault. Sure it was empty but the vault itself was made of pure gold. It cost me a fortune of the taxpayers' money that I would never get back! Didn't really think that one out before I made the purchase. But like all mistakes, you just do it again and hope for a better outcome. Taxes go up and I get a new gold vault! Hahaha!!
Yes, Paradise City was as busy as ever but sadly it would not last.
By now many people have moved on. There are still many visitors each day but not like in the heyday when Paradise City was THE
place to be. This scared the citizens. With less crashes, who would buy all the vehicles they were producing? Certainly not those freeloading Canadians!! What will the local garages fix? Where would the tourism money come from? The City was facing a sustainability crisis! Cancer victims, once again able to receive treatment due to the lack of injured filling up the hospital, were often criticized for enjoying the City's downward spiral. They were quickly driven out of town and Paradise City has been cancer-free for 4 straight months!
One day a man rode into town. A simple
man, one true to his word. He had a look in his eye that brought hope to the City. When people saw his smile, they felt that they too could smile once again. He had big ideas, he had a plan. People's spirits were up and they could see a bright future ahead of them. I remember the first time I met him, the look of fear and regret on his face as my Montgomery Hawker Solo took a bite out of his driver-side door. Paramedics said he died instantly, a vicious
t-bone the most likely cause of death. They didn't hear his scream like I did. Was I sad?? Of course!! I was making such great time on 2nd Street and another meatbag had to get in my way! But something happened that day. Maybe I took a bit of his soul with me when I smashed into him. Maybe I was jealous of the awe he received from everyone. The parade they honoured him with afterwards was pretty impressive, which I...uh, also crashed into. All I know is that I was filled with energy, with motivation
. I made a decision. I was going to make Paradise City mine and these simpletons were going to have a damn parade for me
With the people of Destructoid no longer visiting Paradise City, there was no one to protect the locals from me. In my Firehawk GP, I blazed the streets and conquered roads. Day or night, it was no
different. I was in control. I quickly amassed a collection of street signs. From red to silver to gold. There was no Road Rule out of my reach. The citizens of the City could not simply ignore this. They eventually bowed down to me, trembling for mercy
. They accepted me as their leader and I began my reign of terror. I would rule with an Iron Throttle
That's not to say that everyone loved me at first. There were several streets of people who just would not kneel before me and continued to rebel behind the name of other PSN users. I would attack and they would stand strong, resisting
my onslaught with all their might. Of course, all I needed was time and persistence. Unfortunately for them, both
were on my side. One by one, my last enemies would crumble. As the sun sat on the evening of January 20th, Paradise City was covered in darkness. Some said that the night's sky was darker than usual. They would be correct.
That is right!! "Operation: Conquer Paradise City on my Bike
" was a success!! Remember when you first came to the City and it was all new
and unknown?? How there was so much to do and there were endless
possibilities?? How all the Road Rules signs were red and needed to be beaten?? Well they are....for all of YOU at least! Muhwahahaha!! You see, I now own a map with all gold street signs! I own
Paradise City!! Sure, I don't expect it to last. Frankly, I don't want it to last. But for just a little while, I have complete control of the City.
Road Rules and Showtimes with cars will take a little longer it seems. After adding some peasants who I was Freeburning with, I realized I lost several silver and gold street signs. While I was angry at first, it did give me greater motivation to fly faster down the streets. Plus just remembering their executions makes my day seem brighter. Hahaha!!
That was the Road Rules for Cars....
...and this is the Showtimes. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.
The Criterion Construction Company recently announced that they would no longer be working in Paradise City. That made this caring dictator a little sad and maybe even shed a little manly tear. I would have sent our army to go destroy them but I forgot that I disbanded them and spent the City's entire military budget (what, your city doesn't have a military??) on a cruise-liner that I immediately sunk while trying to re-enact the Titanic. Of course, getting an iceberg to do what you want is like getting a fat man to stop eating, it just doesn't
happen. So we used explosives instead, and I have to say, the results were fantastic! Will definitely do that again. The environmentalist were crying for days and days and I was like, "Shouldn't you guys be saving whales or something?". Turns out a pod of whales was killed
by the explosion. Whoops! The irony is delicious...just like this Orca Sandwich! Hahaha!! But Criterion Co.'s announcement did make me realize something. I am the self-appointed
Mayor!! If I don't want to be assassinated or anything, I have a duty to ensure that the citizens of the City are miserable....but
not miserable enough to want to kill me. It's a gentle balance of strong-love, as I always like to say. Of course just so everyone knows, the only way to take the mayoral throne is to beat my Road Rules. Don't attempt murder because you get put to death by default. I updated the constitution.
So I invite the people of Destructoid, come to Paradise City and laugh at my people! Throw loose change at them and spend money at our fine local establishments. Impregnate our women. Impregnate our men
! Come complete Free Burn and Timed Challenges, working together to yell at that one idiot who just will NOT complete the simple task at hand. Come do barrel rolls and flat spins as your 2 tonne soon-to-be
metal casket flies through the air. Been to Big Surf Island yet?? The weather there has never
been better!! Most importantly, beat my Road Rules so that I can reclaim gold again!
*This message has been printed on the hopes and dreams of Paradise City's orphans. Not recyclable.