I was totally pumped for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up. When the game got leaked early and people were bemoaning the small roster, I thought to myself, "These guys are jumping the gun. They haven't even unlocked any of the hidden characters yet." Then I learned that it was the complete roster. Wow. Just wow. Who is responsible for this travesty? This is is supposed to be the big celebration of all thing Turtle? What the fuck is this shit? Thirteen! There are only thirteen fucking TMNT characters in this game! Let's break the line-up down, shall we?
Obviously, the four Turtles, Splinter, and Shredder are going to be in, so that leaves seven.
Casey Jones and April have become really prominent in the franchise over the past few years, fighting right there alongside the heroes in green, so they're in.
Five to go. What special surprises are in store for us? A Foot soldier. A stock Foot soldier. No one wants to play as a fucking grunt ever. You could have an Elite Foot or one of the God damn Foot Mystics instead.
Fugitoid. Was anyone dying to play this guy? Was there a petition for his inclusion? Who gives a rat fuck? (No offense, Splinter.)
Nightwatcher? Jesus Christ! Raphael is the Nightwatcher! They pulled a Dr. Mario on us! It should be a fucking costume change, you assholes!
I bet they were so clever making up the Utrominator. That's right, a made-up character. Yeah, I know Utroms are real characters in the universe, but that ugly-ass battle suit the game's Utrom pilots is not. It's supposed to be a nod to Krang. Well... why not just fucking put in Krang?
Karai, okay. Finally. A good pick. My hat off to you guys. What else you got? Oh? That's thirteen? You fucking joking? You're pulling my leg.
Phew! Three more characters out of the blue! Let's see... what. Rabbids. Fucking Rabbids. Three fucking Rabbids. Fucking THREE Rabbids. Jesus fucking Moses, THREE FUCKING RABBIDS!!!! You weren't happy fucking over Rayman, now you gotta fuck over the Turtles? MY Turtles! No! No!
There is no reason for such an anemic roster. None. None. There have been tons of characters spanning the entire history of the franchise. This is how you celebrate 25 years? Good God! You couldn't think of anyone else? Really? REALLY? You sure? Bebop and Rocksteady? Hun? Slash? Nobody? Traximus the Triceraton? Tokka and Rahzar? Baxter Stockman, fly or cyborg version? Dammit, you couldn't even bring Hamato Yoshi back from the dead like the 2003 game did?
You know what the worst part is? There is a Technodrome level! Yeah! The team acknowledged, if only briefly, that there was a cartoon show back in the day that was quite popular with Generation Yers. That means someone had to literally turn to someone else and say, "No, we aren't putting any '80s characters in this game." Fucking hacks, the lot of 'em.
You know how you celebrate 25 years of the Turtles? You know how? Like THIS:
Fuckin' yeah, that shit's coming out on DVD! You better pick it up! So in honor of the REALTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles anniversary tribute, I've littered the recaps with an overabundance of Turtle references!