I was totally pumped for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up
. When the game got leaked early and people were bemoaning the small roster, I thought to myself, "These guys are jumping the gun. They haven't even unlocked any of the hidden characters yet." Then I learned that it was
the complete roster. Wow. Just wow. Who is responsible for this travesty? This is is supposed to be the big celebration of all thing Turtle? What the fuck is this shit?
Thirteen! There are only thirteen fucking TMNT
characters in this game! Let's break the line-up down, shall we?
Obviously, the four Turtles, Splinter, and Shredder are going to be in, so that leaves seven.
Casey Jones and April have become really prominent in the franchise over the past few years, fighting right there alongside the heroes in green, so they're in.
Five to go. What special surprises are in store for us? A Foot soldier. A stock Foot soldier. No one wants to play as a fucking grunt
ever. You could have an Elite Foot or one of the God damn Foot Mystics instead.
Fugitoid. Was anyone dying to play this guy? Was there a petition for his inclusion? Who gives a rat fuck? (No offense, Splinter.)
Nightwatcher? Jesus Christ! Raphael is the Nightwatcher! They pulled a Dr. Mario on us! It should be a fucking costume change, you assholes!
I bet they were so clever making up the Utrominator. That's right, a made-up character
. Yeah, I know Utroms are real characters in the universe, but that ugly-ass battle suit the game's Utrom pilots is not. It's supposed to be a nod to Krang. Well... why not just fucking put in Krang?
Karai, okay. Finally. A good pick. My hat off to you guys. What else you got? Oh? That's thirteen? You fucking joking? You're pulling my leg.
Phew! Three more characters out of the blue! Let's see... what. Rabbids. Fucking Rabbids. Three fucking Rabbids. Fucking THREE
Rabbids. Jesus fucking Moses, THREE FUCKING RABBIDS!!!!
You weren't happy fucking over Rayman, now you gotta fuck over the Turtles? MY
Turtles! No! No!
There is no reason for such an anemic roster. None. None. There have been tons of characters spanning the entire history of the franchise. This is how you celebrate 25 years? Good God! You couldn't think of anyone else? Really? REALLY?
You sure? Bebop and Rocksteady? Hun? Slash? Nobody? Traximus the Triceraton? Tokka and Rahzar? Baxter Stockman, fly or cyborg version? Dammit, you couldn't even bring Hamato Yoshi back from the dead like the 2003 game did?
You know what the worst part is? There is a Technodrome level! Yeah! The team acknowledged, if only briefly, that there was a cartoon show back in the day that was quite popular with Generation Yers. That means someone had to literally
turn to someone else and say, "No, we aren't putting any '80s characters in this game." Fucking hacks, the lot of 'em.
You know how you celebrate 25 years of the Turtles? You know how? Like THIS
Fuckin' yeah, that shit's coming out on DVD! You better pick it up! So in honor of the REAL Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
anniversary tribute, I've littered the recaps with an overabundance of Turtle references!
*- walkyourpath fights with honor! More tales from his days as an Ultima Online GM!
*- Growing up in a glass bowl with chameleons, lizards, and tadpoles, kauza played Tobal 2 and Tomba! 2. Share the experience through his eyes!
*- A bunch of righteous dudes and dudettes, including our own Zen Albatross, played chiptune music at PAX!
*- aborto sketches Jimbo, costumed Pokémon, and blehman who's green! (He's a radical fetus!)
S- Freefall's squad pick this week, the Gallian Militia Squad 7 from Valkyria Chronicles, isn't as hip as the Neutrinos, daddy-o!
S- casualweaponry brings more hip-hop for his fourth dTunes but leaves out "Ninja Rap"!
M- When it comes to Global Gladiators, Kylius doesn't know the meaning of the word "forget"...
M- ... and neither does joseffthered for Planescape: Torment...
M- ... nor TripleZer0 for MegaRace. They never bothered to look it up in the dictionary!
P- The guys on the Refused Classification podcast feel so good to be so bad!
E- During the second week of The King of Dtoiders, some people attacked and others cut 'em no slack.
E- Fabuloso! ouched clues us in to the Classic Console & Arcade Gaming Show coming this October to Ohio!
S- Excellent! stewie32887 gets tons of free software thanks to his job!
S- Funktastic's latest haul is better than a stack of pepperoni and marshmallow pizzas!
S- Not mondo cool. nukka jdav has to sell his games to pay for college.
I- xDeadshot47x does machines! He used one to make a Team Fortress 2 RPG!
N- Cowabunga! The Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker demo can be downloaded off IGN!
N- Primo prizes! Europe is selling awesome new games this week!
N- These Super Street Fighter IV rumors and the Tatsunoko vs. Capcom date call for a party! Pizza time!
N- Alice in Chains may be coming to Rock Band on Tuesday! Bossa nova? No? Uh... Chevy Nova?
N- Bummer! You can no longer get the Game & Watch Collection DS game off of Club Nintendo.
V- Turtle power! There was a live video stream of Smash-Up a while ago!
P- pedrovay2003 felt shell-shocked in a good way after playing the Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker demo.
T- thefil is like totally not gettin' the PSPgo.
T- Master Edge 3 is thinkin' of mondo ideas for his fantasy Persona game.
T- Avril42U hates anchovies and how Rockstar is jipping PS3 owners on GTA4 DLC.
T- stalydan also thinks Rockstar is dumb, dumb, dumb. Those dudes are so dumb.
T- wobblefunk thinks Halo 3: ODST is cool but not crude.
$- Amazon is having some tubular Gold Box deals, bro.
F- Get the shell...
F- ... out of here!
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