Today's recaps are brought to you by 5-Hour Energy energy drinks! 5-Hour Energy! The low-calorie, sugar-free pick-me-up that'll help you face the day with no crash later!

I have been the proud consumer of 5-Hour Energy energy drinks for nearly a year now. Let me tell you that this stuff works. I don't drink it often in order to avoid dependency, but when I've got a long road trip ahead or I'm really pushing myself to get a long workday rolling, I know what I'm reaching for.

I had an incident this past Tuesday that I'd like to share with you. Suffering an uncomfortable night of indigestion, I had only managed two hours of sleep before the six o'clock alarm. I must then make an hour-long commute down to the Florida Atlantic University campus for my part-time job as a computer lab assistant. Who drives that distance for a position that offers no health plan? Losers desparate for money, that's who.

At promptly two o'clock, I make the drive back home to work another two hours at my local high school as a math tutor. Recently, I've been doing algebra remediation, short little courses to help students review for make-up tests. I only had three students this day but from the migraine I received thanks to this one little punk you would think I juggled thirty. He refused to participate, refused to do the work. I tried to explain the concepts and he just stared at his paper, doing little pencil swirlies.

Look, kid. It's simple. You plug the coordinates and slope into the equation in order to find the y-intercept. We did it two times together on the board. You don't even have to think. Just look at the board and repeat those steps for your particular problem. I'm not doing it for you. No! We can't go over fractions! You are in high school! That's middle school material!

Listen, you little bastard! I got two hours of sleep, made a two-hour round-trip commute to and from another job where I make just enough to cover the gas it takes to drive there, and then I come here to this bullshit! Are you fucking kidding me!? Are we doing this today? TODAY!? You don't want to make an effort like these other guys? Fine. I'm ignoring you for the rest of the afternoon. What do I care if you fail your retake. I still get paid.

If it wasn't for 5-Hour Energy, I would have killed someone. I would have killed someone then danced into oncoming traffic naked. That would have made for some great headlines, though! Fuckin' A!

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5-Hour Energy. Available at all major drug stores and gas stations. Do not drink more than two bottles in a day. Possible side effects include hot and itchy skin, increased blood pressure, and bouts of extreme paranoia.



RECAPS AHEAD: Due to the high volume of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 coverage lately, all blogs that make mention of the game will be denoted by the COD OF WAR label. This serves as a warning that what you are about to read is full of grit and machismo.


*- To channel George Carlin, game reviews are fine. The people are fucked.

*- Maniac Mansion's purple meteor in a jar for display. God damn, that's awesome.

*- Game length vs. game quality as explained with peanut butter sandwiches. I'm hungry. COD OF WAR

*- The composer from The Transformers arranged the Gran Turismo 5 theme!


A- Here's how the new James Bond game should be.
S- Nothing wrong with holding Wind Waker as your favorite Zelda game, but DJKay defends his choice anyway.
S- dTunes, Justice's Demo Cuts, Day 4: Producers, the people behind the music
S- Got UT3? Play with your balls in this mod.
S- Wry Guy's Wryview of Wrynal Wrantasy V Advance.


E- How to work the chat channel for Wry Guy's Fatal Destructoid tournie.


D- Mr. Destructoid is running for president! You heard it here first!
D- Destructoid is an acceptable source for a college term paper.
S- drizzt really knows how to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday... COD OF WAR


N- This week, Euros finally get to buy The Biggest Loser. COD OF WAR
N- Good job at curbing those cheaters, Infinity Ward. COD OF WAR
N- Using the power of JOURNALISM, Dinin Vorta shares everything we know about Deus Ex 3 so far.
V- Wow. Tasteful. COD OF WAR
R- Borderlands is rated five Shadows and an Eggman.
T- Multiplayer on the PC is poopy. COD OF WAR
T- Remember when games came in cardboard boxes? THOSE were flimsy. COD OF WAR
T- Knife fight. COD OF WAR
$- This eBay Germany PS3 Slim listing is a deal, I guess.


F- Five properties that deserve the anime treatment.


R- Every conversation with every "AI" bot ever.
V- Dealing with a trophy whore.


F- First blog of the evening. Off to a great start. COD OF WAR
F- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
F- Aren't you just the sweetest thing?


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FPoTD