C-Blog recaps of 3/30/13 + 3/31/13 + Saviorgasms - Destructoid

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Did you all have a happy Easter? Eat a bunch of ham and candy? Lovely. Do any of you even know what Easter is really about? Let ole Phil take you on a history lesson. In 1761, Jesus was born to a whore of a woman, who was a virgin. Her name was Milla Jovasanvich. Now Milla Jovasanvich was married to a poor electronics salesman by the name of Joseph Gordan Levitt. They lived in a small van, down by the river.

One day while walking home from work, Joseph was arrested for being too hot and locked up. Milla and a now young Jesus, visited him in prison as much as they could. These visits showed Jesus just how low, some men could go. As the years stretched on, Joseph eventually died of the disease known as getting shanked. Shortly after his death Milla moved to Alaska to become a whaler. Now a 37 year old man, orphaned and alone, living in the 1900's, Jesus knew what his mission in life must be. Jesus was going to show mankind, that if we work together and treat each other properly, we can overcome the Martian invasion looming over us all.

Unfortunately Martian spies had already invaded the Vatican's ranks, due to the help of one John Carter. Carter had a big problem with Jesus. Carter was mad that Jesus had copied his hair style and got credit for it being the popular do of the time. Carter's deception had allowed the spies to get close enough to kidnap and crucify Jesus one night, while he was outside using his shake weight. Little did the Martians know, Jesus had an ace up his sleeve.. His soon to be decaying sleeve that is...

Jesus had heard about what Carter was up too and had headed him off. Earlier that week, Jesus had gone to his top scientist, Doc Brown and received a serum. This serum once injected could raise any dead creature within 72 hours of their demise. BUT! Only after a rabbit had feasted on a small portion of their flesh. Jesus knew the serum had risks, but threw caution to the wind, popped in his Warrant tape and injected himself that night. Little did Jesus know, he was soon to be the first zombie. Now, we all what happened from this point on, but please let me explain the bunny and how Easter has come to be as we know it, before we get to recapping.

What Doc Brown hadn't realized (Since his requests for animal testing had been turned down by the liberals) was that once the rabbit had eaten some of the zombie flesh, it would be cursed to shit jelly beans and deliver candy baskets for eternity.

And that kids, is the story of Easter. Now let's get to recaps!

*- Alphadeus gets sauced for making more music for y'all to enjoy.

P- Another Scary Granules episode brings us the despicable birdman Tarvu. Something something eff that guy.
A- Wagner Paiva Fernandes thinks the Vita/PS4 stream play is a smart move.

C- Reminder: The Low(er) Tier is handing out SWOTS: The Pit! Listen and win.
C- Reminder: Nick Cull is hooking it up with some indie games from his Steam inventory.

C- ErrolGames has a love/hate relationship thing going on with the games that go pew pew, while looking from your eyeballs.
E- Weekend Warriors takes a break from Bioshock, because Smurfee is stupid. Smells like balls too. Those rubber bouncy ones...... covered in sweat.... from man balls.
C- Pixielated cries at spring and plays a Symphony.
C- KMAX wonders if Kojimayter is trolling us. I'm betting yes.
S- Garganroo has a dilemma and a few really awesome pics to share.

T- Oculin is getting all fashionista up in here. Take a look at Style Savvy.
V- Troy unboxes a Pikachu 3DS XL and shares the video with us.
D- ArkCo's back. Back again. Edge of Space, tell some friends.
N- Drakengard 3 is announced and ZYZXX brings us the news first.
T- Vault91 thinks Bioshock: Infinite succeeded where ME3 failed. Ok.
T- Willza takes a look at Far Cry 3.
T- Then Willza looks at Spec Ops: The Line.
T- Metal Gear as seen from a newcomer's eyes. Confusing as fuck. Same as us old timers!

L- Megakrang brings us a review of Road Rash: The Novel

L- The Goddamn has a date with Jesus and The Binding of Isaac.

F- No Jerry. No I won't.

What a nice bunch of blogs this weekend. Good stuff folks. Now some of you might remember I said I had begun development on a game. Probably not, since no one listens to my crazy ass, but I did. I'd like to take this time to announce it. Here. On Destructoid. Right now. What I've been toiling on, later into the night, is a remake of a classic game franchise, I managed to buy the rights to (I know, its CRAZY!). Lemme show you the first screen from my game:

I am remaking Custer's Last Stand. It will be an open world game. Set in the original era and featuring side quests, hunting, fishing and Indian relocation. I've reimagined Custer as a sort of badass, who doesn't follow the rules and will save his Indian love at any cost. Or just tie her to a tree and have at her. PLAYER CHOICE PEOPLE! I'm building this game in Unity to give it a modern feel, but at the same time, me and my team of artists are de-making the graphics to give it that retro feel. Indie losers should lap this shit up! WOOOOOOOO! Look for that bad boy spring of 2017. You can pre-order the alpha now from my personal kickstarter.



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