So I was sitting down at my computer, trying to think of something to write about, and after 5 minutes of staring blankly at my wallpaper of a gnome chugging some Ragu, I had nothing. So I ask my new fiance, who is distracted with her Skyrim of course, who responds without hesitation: "Write about stinky farts!" Now this was only seconds after I had ripped one in her general vicinity, so I think her input was a bit... *erhem*... clouded.
After telling her that she's being silly, I really started thinking about farts in video games, and how little this goldmine of humor is actually capitalized on in this form of artistic media. So I have gathered a treasure trove of childish goodness from the video game realm for you to enjoy.
I have provided a pic, video, and short blurb for each of the oxygen defilers on this list. Feel free to vote on which one is your favorite, or if there's someone i missed, throw that in the comments as well!
Cute character, nasty habits. This guy was my favorite fighter to play as in Tekken 3; his moves were so cool, and the costume of him in the shell was super adorable! He makes the list because one of his harder to master, yet worth-it-for-that-once-in-a-while-hilarious-K.O. move where he does a backflip and farts on your opponents head for MASSIVE DAMAGE!
I unfortunately did not get to play this game much as a child, but I remember distinctly in one of my High School classes that there was this guy that I sat next to in computer class who was a huge fan of this game. He ranted and raved about the different characters, and one of the most memorable of the clan was Chaos and his gross chemical warfare. One of his attacks is a fart cloud that, if contact is made with the enemy, incapacitates them for a time.
Platformer games are a genre I generally like, but the level design and player movement for this game made me gag for those reasons alone. However, Boogerman has a cult following for some reason, and therefore deserves a spot among the list. Aside from ridiculous characters, baddies, and levels filled with boogers, poo, and piss, the main character will actually let out an explosive fart if you leave him standing static for a period of time (after eating one of his own boogers of course). This game is gross...
Oh man, I wish the new addition to this series would come out soon. Such a great franchise, TOO great to be silent for the amount of time that it has. For those of you who haven't played anything from Abe's universe, the Oddworld games are full of childish fart-dick humor, as well as wonderful storylines, fantastic character growth, and just downright fun gameplay. The video I have provided for you above shows you just one of the ways a puzzle is solved using Abe's fancy flatulent.
I know Fable has been getting a bad rap lately primarily due to its terrible spinoffs and less than stellar 3rd installment. Though, with that being said, there is still much to enjoy with Fable 3, even though it wasn't all it was meant to be. One of the main things that brought me a lot of entertainment was the emoticon actions you could make, one of which is a fart. In the right situations with the right people, you could actually grab someone's head and fart on their face. Pretty funny stuff.
I grew up with all the old Mortal Kombat games (up through 4) so I have never heard of this guy before. But the second I saw his fatality, I knew I had to seek out a copy of this game just to execute this humiliating death upon one of my friends. If you haven't checked the video yet, do it. Such a horrible way to die...
Wario is just a mean, nasty, fat old Italian man who has never been shy about his bodily noises. Wario's appearance in SSBB wasn't as surprising, or even welcomed, as it probably should have been. He's a solid fighter in that game, I thoroughly enjoy running over my friends with a motorcylcle from nowhere, and then eating their stunned corpse to inflict even more damage. And THEN to add insult to injury (and then even more injury) you can fart them off the screen for an easy kill.
And finally there's this guy. Although he doesn't actually fart outright, the passive noises that his amorphous poo body produces is enough to be a part of this list. If you have virgin ears (or even eyes for that matter) don't click the link, there's some vulgar stuff in there. But it IS a pretty catchy song nonetheless.
Thanks for reading this really silly blog, I hope it brought a smile to your face. And again, if you have a favorite out of the group, say so! Or if there's anyone I missed, say that also!
You know, I've actually been wanting to write about this game for some time now. I had bought it as sort of a gag purchase. You see, the local Game Crazy was having one of its midnight releases for the game Darkwatch (because the manager there was super stoked for it) and I had absolutely no interest in the title. So being the hilarious lad that I am, I had somehow gotten myself to the front of the line, and instead of buying Darkwatch, I bought the adorable game you see above. Comedy ensued.
I was oddly stoked to try it out when I got home, but I was in no way, shape, form, or position ready enough for what I have come to find out is the worlds greatest piece of software ever to grace the video game industry with its dainty little roller skates.
The intro video (seen here) really sets the scene with the peaceful inhabitants of earth chillin' out, maxin' and relaxin' all cool just eating cake and shit in the middle of the street. Normal stuff. But unbeknownst to them far off in space, a race of lego blocks forgot to hire an engineer, so their flagship goes haywire and makes a B line for the peaceful home of our friends. Once they get there, they waste absolutely no time finding a new mechanic. They come pooping out of their little spaceship and start beating the nonsense out any townie who is not a skilled foreman using their weapon of choice: empty wine bottles. So the game already has an interesting group of antagonists with a clear and valid motive, all laid out of you from the beginning.
We go forward a little bit, and we see Hello Kitty and Badtz-Maru not having any of this bullshit. They are prepared to kick some blocky, wooden ass. But just as they were having this surge of testosterone fueled feels of justice, HK almost gets her day rocked. If it weren't for her friend... uh... Ker... mit? That's not right... the stupid frog... one second...
*Switches to google*
Oh, it's "Kerokerokeroppi?" How the hell was I supposed to know that!?
Anyway, Keroppi (now a member of Starfleet as a transporter operator) beams Hello Kitty into a room of HIGH SCIENCE, equips her with some decked out skates, a tutu, and wand with a badass heart at the end of it, shows her the desired target, and lets her on her merry way. And you all know what that means... shit just got real.
Cut to the actual gameplay, and it's all about you rolling around, rescuing your friends, and beating the snot out of some block-blokes. Which is silly, because HK has a WAND, you'd think she'd have some kind of magic ability, or at least an AOE to use in the middle of a melee combo. But in all honesty, she doesn't need it, she's just so hardcore that she can smoke fools with a couple flaccid whacks from her fancy stick. As you progress and take down some of the most intense bosses you'll ever meet, you can unlock new threads to sport around town while you're saving your buds.
However, the end all, win all of this game is that when you complete the first play through, you unlock the ability to play as Badtz-Maru (or should I say BAMF-maru... you know what I'm sayin') which takes the game to a level of awesome I didn't even know existed.
Long story short, if you haven't played this game, you need to, because it will become a permanent piece of your collection, and more likely than not, a family heirloom. So do yourself a favor and Amazon.com this shiz right now.
Conventions, the fun ones anyway, are a great way to bring several people together to share an experience over a common interest. Most of you reading this, when you hear the word "Convention", many things associated with the word immediately pop into your mind: cosplay, swag, booths, parties, demos, hotels, merchandise, press, celebrities, lines, etc. But what is more important than the substance of the conventions (especially exciting nerd-based ones like PAX and Comic-con) are the feelings you get before, during, and even after.
If you are a regular convention-goer like myself, the very second one is over, you begin to think about plans for the next. You start planning your costume design, or finding a cheaper and more convenient hotel to stay at, or the ever challenging attempts to get your friends to come along with you. If you're a little more specific in how you spend your convention time, you may spend the time to put together a bad-ass Magic deck, or maybe you need to prep a script for a fan panel. Either way, whether you're a regular attendee or a exhibitor, an upcoming convention gets you off your fanny to do something you may not have had the drive to do on a regular day.
Conventions definitely bring out that creative and productive sides in a lot of people, you'll see costumes that will blow Halloween out of the water, tournament driven passion that could match those of Japanese warlords in the ages of their civil war, and extravagant booth displays to get people hyped for a product that you are proud to display. While you're wandering around you'll often hear people in passing starting conversations with "Oh man, next year I am so going to..."
For people like me, it's the panels that really hit home. You look upon the list of presentations, excitement filling you like it did when you were a 5 year old tearing through the pages of a Toys-r-us Christmas issue, circling with sharpie the ones that look interesting. These are the lifeblood of a good convention. You get to see people who are living a successful life doing what you want to do, and you can ask them how they became so awesome! Nothing can compare with meeting a hero of yours and hearing them tell you how simple (not easy) it all really is.
Taking that newly refreshed revelation, that super-charged feeling of inspiration, home with you after you have been totally drained of all physical and mental energy due to an awesome weekend, is one of the greatest pieces of swag you could ever nab from a convention. Transforming the advice and visual stimuli you received into a product of your own creativity, in turn discovering something that you too, can be proud to show off. You could even someday host your own panel and inspire a new handful of young minds down the road.
What I'm trying to get at here, in my five paragraphs of rambling, is that Conventions are amazing events that contribute more to the lives of its attendees than a swag bag and a weekend of alcohol poisoning. It gives all of us a difference in perspective, a little piece of mind, and most of all, a flux of inspiration to do something great. So do yourselves a favor and when convention time comes, use it to learn something new and make your own way to a more enriched life filled with fun and adventure in a world more awesome than it was before you went to that one memorable convention.
What seven video game bosses would I fight for the one I love? Well I will most certainly tell you.
First of all, this lovely lady here is Alisha: the love of my life. She is wonderful, and awesome and full of just about as much nerd juices as I am. I conversed with her as to what bosses pissed her off the most in the games sheís played and grown up with. The following list is the product of that very entertaining conversation.
The Opposing Pong Paddle (Pong):
Itís the goddamn Pong Paddle, that little f***er was made 40 years ago and is somehow more intelligent than most retarded AI enemies is current gen games. Also, he looked at me funny.
Master Hand (Smash Bros. Series):
She sucks at Smash Brothers, so naturally Iíd have to beat the last boss for he (even on easy mode lol). And I donít want them grubby giant hands touchiní her body in naughty places and such. That douche waffle.
Vivec (Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion):
This a**hole is like, 2 inches away from godhood, and all he can do is chill in his house hovering around meditating like heís king of the world. So whatís an adventurer to do? Walk up and chuck a mud crab at his noggin of course! It was probably a bad idea, but Alisha is worth it (and so was the satisfaction of f***ing his day up).
This guy kind deserves everything thatís coming to him. He thinks heís hot sh**, when in reality heís weaker than a level 2 Prinny with tourettes. He really isnít that irritating to fight, but Alisha and I both agreed that it is just fun as hell to watch Midboss fail. And just for sh**s, you may notice that he IS actually the mid-boss of this list! OMGWTFLOL.
Mother Brain (Metroid):
Alisha kind of looks like SamusÖ a lot. I must admit that it is a HUGE turn on (tmi? F*** you). So naturally, Mother Brain and her posse of Space Pirates would be after her, so I might as well beat them to the punch and murder them all, slowly, and with slurpees.
Death Gaze (FFVI):
You know what? F*** THIS GUY! The main challenge isnít even fighting him, is chasing his pussy a** down on the world map finding the ONE F***ING PIXEL that heís hiding in. And for those of you Pokemon lovers, there ainít no pokedex to track this fa**ot down, its literally 10 hours of wandering bullsh**. And even if you do catch him, you bring his health down a bit and then he F***ING RUNS OFF AGAIN! Ugh, between you and me, I donít know if sheíd be worth THAT much trouble (of course I jest baby :D).
Time Devourer (Chrono Cross):
Last but definitely not least, the main boss from Alishaís favorite game of all time. This guy has no motive except to just f*** everything up. Literally, feeds off of the planet heís on, and then giving its inhabitants a false sense of evolutionary superiority, and then rises to explode EVERYTHING. And when that plan failed, he decided to mess with time itself, and no one wants that, so he must be dealt with.
Also, he gives you the ultimate ending, so heís gotta be the last one on the list.
So thatís the seven evil bosses that I would fight for my sweet, amazing, and very sexy girlfriend, without hesitation(I love you dinosaurs, babe <3). Thanks for reading everyone.
The Potion: Probably the most commonly known item to RPG gamers. It's a portable source of health for use when you don't have access to a facility that can relieve you of your wounds. We all know what it is and what important function it provides in the gaming world.
But what about in reality? What would be considered as a potion here, in our world?
Cough Syrup? Energy Drinks? Coffee? Tea? Plain Water?
All delicious and have their normal functions, but none of them can heal you from getting bludgeoned half to death by your local antagonist. So would that mean that Neosporin is a potion? It definitely helps heal wounds. But you can't drink that. Rubbing alcohol? It neutralizes bacteria in wounds to allow your body to regenerate easier, but again, you can't drink rubbing alcohol! You'd get sick!
My frien... er... some very skilled scientific minds and I conducted many experiments in respect to this issue.
We took some basic facts about the potion created this comprehensive list:
- Potion is from the Latin word potionis "beverage" or "poison"
- In mythology, potions are always made by a magic user of some sort
- Potions are used to Heal, Poison, or Bewitch
- The creation of potions was a common practice of alchemy
- In the 19th century, curative potions were also known as "Quack Medicines"
So with all of this very useful not easy to find info, we deduced that we needed a Latin wizard who dabbled in alchemy. Lucky for us, my frien... er... associate lived right next door to one
Meet Calvin. We call him Cal. He's pretty rad actually, he has a pet chinchilla named Oscar who urinates in the hands of people who have masturbated within the past 6 hours (found that out first hand. Haha, get it?). The only video games he actually owns are Solomon's Club and Game & Watch Gallery 2 for the original Game Boy. He also meets biweekly with a Chinese monk and trades some very odd mushrooms that he grows in his basement for a mysterious bag of something horticulture related.
Intro aside, we needed his help.
We told him our dilemma, and with an awkwardly pleasant smile, he agreed to aide us in our important research. He asked us to follow him to his alchemy lab (which looked a lot like a hand crafted unfinished minibar made out of 4 layers of balsa wood). He fumbled around amongst his shelves and started pouring liquids from unmarked bottles into a 4 tumbler glasses half-filled with ice.
The finished product was not very potion-y:
We, oddly enough, chugged our "potions' without much hesitation at all. I inquired Cal about the contents of the potion (you know, for science), but he wouldn't say. Said it'd be breaking the "magicians code" or some bullshit. It tasted like it consisted mainly of Jack Daniels mixed with Fufu berry flavored Jones Soda and apple juice (a little heavy on the JD). But to be completely honest, after about 4 of them, I felt pretty damn invincible.
So despite not knowing for sure what Cal just damaged our kidney's with, the "potion" in question really did follow all of the requirements that we found:
- It is indeed a beverage, that made us feel like we were healed, but inevitably poisoned us to the point of vomit induced breakfast time.
- It was made by a magic user who used an alleged alchemy set.
- And I'd say it was a pretty Quack Medicine, because I think I may have woken up with more injuries than i had before I started drinking the shit.
So lets be honest, we know it was the alcohol (no matter how terrible your alcoholic alchemy is), it really is the real world potion solution and a vast majority of the world's population uses it daily. So this arises my final question: if A = B, does that mean that B = A?
Are our beloved RPG characters just getting drunk in the middle of battle to keep up with the monsters and boss baddies?
My sources say a resounding "YES".
Thanks for reading folks, if you want more "Gaming Reality" articles, let me hear it in the comments and I will provide.