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11:44 PM on 08.15.2010

Scott Pilgrim Contest Entry (because the comments aren't posting)

What seven video game bosses would I fight for the one I love? Well I will most certainly tell you.



First of all, this lovely lady here is Alisha: the love of my life. She is wonderful, and awesome and full of just about as much nerd juices as I am. I conversed with her as to what bosses pissed her off the most in the games sheís played and grown up with. The following list is the product of that very entertaining conversation.



The Opposing Pong Paddle (Pong):

Itís the goddamn Pong Paddle, that little f***er was made 40 years ago and is somehow more intelligent than most retarded AI enemies is current gen games. Also, he looked at me funny.



Master Hand (Smash Bros. Series):

She sucks at Smash Brothers, so naturally Iíd have to beat the last boss for he (even on easy mode lol). And I donít want them grubby giant hands touchiní her body in naughty places and such. That douche waffle.



Vivec (Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion):

This a**hole is like, 2 inches away from godhood, and all he can do is chill in his house hovering around meditating like heís king of the world. So whatís an adventurer to do? Walk up and chuck a mud crab at his noggin of course! It was probably a bad idea, but Alisha is worth it (and so was the satisfaction of f***ing his day up).



Midboss (Disgaea):

This guy kind deserves everything thatís coming to him. He thinks heís hot sh**, when in reality heís weaker than a level 2 Prinny with tourettes. He really isnít that irritating to fight, but Alisha and I both agreed that it is just fun as hell to watch Midboss fail. And just for sh**s, you may notice that he IS actually the mid-boss of this list! OMGWTFLOL.



Mother Brain (Metroid):

Alisha kind of looks like SamusÖ a lot. I must admit that it is a HUGE turn on (tmi? F*** you). So naturally, Mother Brain and her posse of Space Pirates would be after her, so I might as well beat them to the punch and murder them all, slowly, and with slurpees.



Death Gaze (FFVI):

You know what? F*** THIS GUY! The main challenge isnít even fighting him, is chasing his pussy a** down on the world map finding the ONE F***ING PIXEL that heís hiding in. And for those of you Pokemon lovers, there ainít no pokedex to track this fa**ot down, its literally 10 hours of wandering bullsh**. And even if you do catch him, you bring his health down a bit and then he F***ING RUNS OFF AGAIN! Ugh, between you and me, I donít know if sheíd be worth THAT much trouble (of course I jest baby :D).



Time Devourer (Chrono Cross):

Last but definitely not least, the main boss from Alishaís favorite game of all time. This guy has no motive except to just f*** everything up. Literally, feeds off of the planet heís on, and then giving its inhabitants a false sense of evolutionary superiority, and then rises to explode EVERYTHING. And when that plan failed, he decided to mess with time itself, and no one wants that, so he must be dealt with.

Also, he gives you the ultimate ending, so heís gotta be the last one on the list.

So thatís the seven evil bosses that I would fight for my sweet, amazing, and very sexy girlfriend, without hesitation(I love you dinosaurs, babe <3). Thanks for reading everyone.

-Capm Trevo   read


3:54 AM on 03.25.2010

Gaming Reality: Potions?



The Potion: Probably the most commonly known item to RPG gamers. It's a portable source of health for use when you don't have access to a facility that can relieve you of your wounds. We all know what it is and what important function it provides in the gaming world.

But what about in reality? What would be considered as a potion here, in our world?

Cough Syrup? Energy Drinks? Coffee? Tea? Plain Water?

All delicious and have their normal functions, but none of them can heal you from getting bludgeoned half to death by your local antagonist. So would that mean that Neosporin is a potion? It definitely helps heal wounds. But you can't drink that. Rubbing alcohol? It neutralizes bacteria in wounds to allow your body to regenerate easier, but again, you can't drink rubbing alcohol! You'd get sick!

My frien... er... some very skilled scientific minds and I conducted many experiments in respect to this issue.

We took some basic facts about the potion created this comprehensive list:

- Potion is from the Latin word potionis "beverage" or "poison"
- In mythology, potions are always made by a magic user of some sort
- Potions are used to Heal, Poison, or Bewitch
- The creation of potions was a common practice of alchemy
- In the 19th century, curative potions were also known as "Quack Medicines"

So with all of this very useful not easy to find info, we deduced that we needed a Latin wizard who dabbled in alchemy. Lucky for us, my frien... er... associate lived right next door to one



Meet Calvin. We call him Cal. He's pretty rad actually, he has a pet chinchilla named Oscar who urinates in the hands of people who have masturbated within the past 6 hours (found that out first hand. Haha, get it?). The only video games he actually owns are Solomon's Club and Game & Watch Gallery 2 for the original Game Boy. He also meets biweekly with a Chinese monk and trades some very odd mushrooms that he grows in his basement for a mysterious bag of something horticulture related.

Intro aside, we needed his help.

We told him our dilemma, and with an awkwardly pleasant smile, he agreed to aide us in our important research. He asked us to follow him to his alchemy lab (which looked a lot like a hand crafted unfinished minibar made out of 4 layers of balsa wood). He fumbled around amongst his shelves and started pouring liquids from unmarked bottles into a 4 tumbler glasses half-filled with ice.

The finished product was not very potion-y:



We, oddly enough, chugged our "potions' without much hesitation at all. I inquired Cal about the contents of the potion (you know, for science), but he wouldn't say. Said it'd be breaking the "magicians code" or some bullshit. It tasted like it consisted mainly of Jack Daniels mixed with Fufu berry flavored Jones Soda and apple juice (a little heavy on the JD). But to be completely honest, after about 4 of them, I felt pretty damn invincible.

So despite not knowing for sure what Cal just damaged our kidney's with, the "potion" in question really did follow all of the requirements that we found:

- It is indeed a beverage, that made us feel like we were healed, but inevitably poisoned us to the point of vomit induced breakfast time.

- It was made by a magic user who used an alleged alchemy set.

- And I'd say it was a pretty Quack Medicine, because I think I may have woken up with more injuries than i had before I started drinking the shit.

So lets be honest, we know it was the alcohol (no matter how terrible your alcoholic alchemy is), it really is the real world potion solution and a vast majority of the world's population uses it daily. So this arises my final question: if A = B, does that mean that B = A?

Are our beloved RPG characters just getting drunk in the middle of battle to keep up with the monsters and boss baddies?

My sources say a resounding "YES".

Thanks for reading folks, if you want more "Gaming Reality" articles, let me hear it in the comments and I will provide.

- The Cap'm   read


10:31 AM on 12.01.2009

The Mushroom Kingdom has a much more forgiving God.



Religion is a very touchy subject no matter where you talk about it. It shouldn't be, but it is. People get all sorts of butt hurt when you bring up one little falsifying comment about their beliefs and then the conversation all goes to hell from there. Thank jeebus this post isn't about religion. But rather, life.

No, this is much simpler than that bullshit (I think). I am referring to the way things are handled spiritually in Mario's cracked out, fungus filled, playground of a world as opposed to our own.

Now in real people world we all know, as a fact without going too deep into Hindu metaphysical beliefs, that when we die, that's it. We're done. Iced. If we go on a crazy quest on foot across 5 different climate types wearing nothing but overalls and a cap, and then fall into a pit, we're through! No retries! No last second wall jumps! It's all very morbid and depressing, but that's how it is.

In the land of goombas, koopas, buzzy beetles and plumbers, as long as you're rich and eat plenty of googly eyed mushrooms, you'll live forever! You can make any mistake you want, DIE, and then come back and pick up where you left off. It's really kind of odd to think about, like, if the same rules applied in real life.

It's like God, or whoever the hell you believe in, would have a freakin vending machine poised above you at all times ready to launch out your replacement clone several meters behind your cause of death. Could you imagine? Getting hit by a bus, re-birthing instantly, and then walking up the street a couple blocks to see your corpse splattered in the middle of 4th Ave? That'd totally blow my mind! Or wait... would the corpse vanish after re-spawn? I don't know, I haven't exactly put THAT much thought into it.

HA! And I guess you wouldn't be able to carry around more than 99 bucks in cash on you, it would disappear when you hit 100. I mean, that's one more death warranted to your life, but those good days at the coffee stands showing off your best cleavage would be all for naught when you count the tip jar to find 4 bucks and a mushroom. Is life really worth that much? I mean, it'd be nice to have a choice, but Mario didn't have one.

Still, if life were really like that, how would beliefs change? Would everyone be more thankful for the continuous chance to restart anew? When their family members die and come back? Would people even need to believe in a God? If they did, would they credit him/her for rebirth? Would several religions still pop up? How would continues work?

I guess if you really think about it, chaos would probably ensue, people killing people because there is no real consequence. Murder would be lesser important to theft. Business majors would live forever and become gods...etc.

Crazy shit.

It all gets me thinking about who ever came up with the lives system in video games. I mean, talk about another reach for the quest of immortality, or at least wishful thinking. however, I suppose both of those theories could be very wrong and the designer just didn't want his customers to have to start their scores at 0 every time they fucked up.

Just something to think about.


Thanks for reading
- The Capm


P.S. This blog's origins are Michael Keaton's Fault, damn Duplicity.   read


4:27 AM on 11.24.2009

My girlfriend scolds me for not beating my RPG's.

Video games have been a huge part of my life growing up (it's how I learned to read for god sakes!), and as I progressed into a money making machine at the age of 15, a good chunk of my monthly wages have gone into buying games. I would get a bimonthly check for 600 bucks, 200 of it would go to games. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm a collector.

Usually what that means is that I have WAAAAAAAY too many games and not nearly enough time to play them all, especially RPG's. Now don't get me wrong, I love RPG's, they just might be my favorite genre actually. But when I'm looking over what title I should use to cure my boredom, an RPG looks a bit more than daunting (especially Atlus ones, I can't even tell you how many times I've restarted Riviera and Yggdra Union).

Now a few months ago I'd acquired an amazing girlfriend with which of whom I am deeply in love with. Her fancy lies with Final Fantasy type games, and when we were sitting down for one of our first few dates, she was appalled at the fact that I owned most of the games she loves and have only beaten a few of them.

Like, she almost gets upset. No joke.

I'll have started one of the games, and then not touch it for a week, and she'll ask me all excitedly how far I've gotten, and at that point the only thing I can give her is disappointment. The scolding will then ensue, and my pride as a gamer, or at least what pro status I ever thought I had, will deflate like a balloon filled with farts.

It's kind of nice though, kind of. I mean, since then, I have finally beaten FFVI, FFX, FFXII, Chrono trigger, Chrono Cross, Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2, and Dark Cloud.

All really great games, and I knew this, I just never got around to beating them. And with her around, I'm slowly making progress on my collection whilst still buying more and more games. Thankfully, and I never thought I'd say this, but current gen games are WAAAAY shorter than older games so once I hit that bump in VG offspring, I'll be flying through games.

So there you have it, a little peak into my life with my RPG addicted girlfriend, thank you for reading.

(> ' .' )> Capm Trevo



P.S. FFVI is so much better than FFVII   read


2:11 AM on 09.17.2009

Scribblenauts Easter Egg Found!



I never thought I'd have so much fun tying piranhas to tress, frying sharks with toasters, and sticking mice in ovens without some kind of repercussion, but Scribblenauts has given the world the ability to virtually pursue all of their guilty pleasures, and not without reward!

I've only had Scribblenauts for a day and a half, (and honestly I've spent more time messing around with the opening page than playing the actual game) and I've only gotten through world 2. Now some of these puzzles actually make you think, not everything has a quick fix. One such level, Action Level 2-2, gave me a bit of a tough time. You are supposed to get a Starite without setting off a chain reaction of explosions that ultimately explode your sought after treasure.



So, I try a couple things, i fail, so i decide to try a teleporter.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I clicked "ride" from the action options, and it took me, not to the Starite, but to another world, still labeled "2-2". To be more precise it was an room with an office kind of feel to it, and inside I found six unique people sprites (the only female being a zombie for some reason). I hit the "Identify" magnifying glass button to see what they were.

Lo and behold! It's the genius team of our beloved game in sprite Scribblenaut avatar form sitting in their 5th Cell office!



This little tidbit was enough to get me all giddy, but since the alternate universe was still labeled as "2-2" I HAD to check other levels to see if there was a difference.

There is.

Every Level has their own distinct alternate world that the teleporter takes you to. I learned a lot of new words this way. And in addition, the "Time Machine" has a similar function that takes you to even ANOTHER world (but its the same world for every level, some medieval world).



The crew that made scribblenauts is just one awesome easter egg I found, who knows how many more there are! Keep a look out and share them! I love this game!   read


1:20 AM on 09.01.2009

Capm's Intro



Video Gaming...

The 20th Century's greatest offspring, and one of the many loves of my life.

Having a younger father who wasted many a penny on the arcade joints, my destiny was bound to include the magic of interactive technology in some way.

BUT...

One day, when I was the ripe age of 7, a violent earth quake separated my creators to opposite sides of my world. Life was hectic, and the traveling was rough. I needed to find a midground, a haven of sorts to root myself to. My great grandmother provided me the tools and the training to explore brand new lands full of interesting discoveries and exciting adventure.

The tools: An Nintendo Entertainment System and the dusty stacks of games loved dearly by a veteran gamer.

The training: Intensive backseat nagging of secrets missed, weakspots gone unnoticed, and button combos that became a second language.

3 years is all I had. My master had perished, and I vowed to continue the legacy that I was left with.

Gaming was a part of my soul.



Fast forward to present day:
Currently, I am a buss boy at a sushi restaurant in the great port city of Seattle, where I make WAAAY too much money for what I do. I spend most of it on my number one hobby: Video Games, which i continue to enjoy greatly to this day. I'm only a few months from my 21st birthday and I don't have a lick of college education to back me up in an interview. My decision of what to do with my life still lies unanswered, and will probably remain that way until I find my calling.

It could very well have something to do with video games, I would love that...

However, it could also have something to do with writing, drawing, acting, managing, cooking, designing, or any other number of things that I know I can do and enjoy doing.

My path is unknown to me, but when I do know, you guys will know, for whatever it is, I will be famous for it. No question.

So in the meantime, I am here, on this grand website that is heavily based around its community, bringing everyone together to discuss a subject that is widely received in positive ways.

I am here to share my love of playing the video games, my love of online wit, my love of intelligent arguments, and my love of telling noobs to GTFO with those of you with similar passions.

I intend to meet some great people here, and can only wish that me and my contributions will help in the growth of this fine social experiment.

Thank you for having me,
- The Capm   read


7:22 PM on 08.31.2009

I've Found You



Every week I make a trip down to Fry's Electronics and randomly purchase a 30-dollar-or-less anime series. It allows for cheap entertainment and neat new discoveries including solid story lines, interesting art, or even awesome references to things completely "out there." The above screenshot is from the anime "Magical Shopping Arcade: Abenobashi." It's from Episode 9 of the series (out of 15). It is clearly a sighting of our beloved Destructoid mascot, and I thought I should share this amazing find with the rest of the community. On a side note, I actually really enjoyed this Anime series and recommend it to all of you japanimation lovers out there who have not yet experienced this sleeper hit wonder.   read


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