I am a walking tragedy. My favorite genre just so happens to be my worst. The Fighter is like an elusive fairy in A Link To The Past, always flying into a dungeon wall just beyond your bug-catching net's grasp. Every new fighter to come out will be snatched up by me and summarily never touched. Why? I don't have the patience to learn one. I know all types of things about them: tier lists, combos, unlocks, terminology, character strategies, etc. I can talk all day about Roman Canceling in BlazBlue, but when it comes time for action, I'm like a impotent man with no magical boner pills; I'm flaccid. Street Fighter IV's Challenge Mode might as well be a giant unscalable brick wall. In fact, if brick walls had cocks, SFIV's CM would have the biggest wall dick in the whole kingdom, one that would have all of the other walls watching the eventual video of it raping me in my tender virgin orifices and arguing over whether it's real or it's just a big wall dildo. They'd say "..." because they're walls and can't talk, but if they could communicate verbally, they'd say to their Brick friend "You see the way he's holding the base of himself? He's covering up where the dildo covers his actual average dick." Am I the only one imagining Thwomps from Mario Bros. with cocks? Maybe it's because I said kingdom...Anyways, as soon as you reach the 3rd, sometimes 4th (Because I endured like a man) stage of the Challenge, that is where combos become "Jump + Heavy Kick -> Crouch + Heavy Punch -> QCF + Heavy Punch -> Ex -> Dash -> Tell him his wife is a slut -> Show Him pictures of your house which is bigger than his -> Steal his children's college fund -> QCF x 2 + Heavy Punch". How the fuck do you cancel into an EX?!


Oddly enough, my favorite fighter is Marvel vs Capcom 2. Why? Because that game makes canceling as easy as stealing candy from a dead baby. Add to the fact that as long as you choose Iceman and keep tapping the assist button, you've basically won the match against 70 % of people online that don't know how to high jump or block. Yeah, I'm that guy. The guy who's fucking up everyone's Christmas with Cable, Iceman, and Cyclops. Cable + Triangle button = Match won. Other than using Eddy in Tekken (I don't like Tekken, but friends force me to play it after rounds of me shitting on their breakfasts in MvC2), I don't think there is a single game that allows you to be much more of an asshole than MvC2. Another one of my shenanigans is to pick a team of Dan, Servbot, and Roll (The absolute worst team you can possibly assemble in that game) and hand people's asses to them with one simple move: character swapping. Every time you swap a character out in MvC2, the next guy comes bolting into the screen like the whole time he was an arachnophobic in a fucking tub full o' spiders. This spider hater will then kick the shit out of the opponent, opening him up for a little Servbot molestation in way of a giant fucking hammer. In fact, while we're still talking about Dan, I might as well bring up my SFIV online protocol. For those who aren't as smart, handsome, or well-endowed as I, Dan Hibiki is the epitome of low tier. He is the first example of a developer (Capcom) reacting to a rival's (SNK) obvious rip-off (In this case, the Art of Fighting and King of Fighter's Ryo) in the fighting genre. As such, Dan is the absolute worst character in the entire game, with the heart of a true warrior. A favorite victory line of mine is after defeating Bison or Sagat, he mentions how he can now visit his Father's grave without shame. That is bad. What, did Bison and Sagat Double team his Dad to death and use poor Dan as the Sloppy Seconds?


Whatever the case, Dan has the advantage of having the most awesome taunt in the game. Unfortunately, it is so awesome, it requires an entire super bar to pull off. This means Dan has do a lot of the most infamously scrubby combo in the entire history of fighting games to build a super bar: The Jump Heavy Kick to Crouch Heavy Kick that everyone knows and despises. The disadvantage of this move is that you may end up killing your opponent before getting the chance to humiliate them with a super taunt! The super taunt is pulled off by tapping out QCF x 2 + Heavy Punch + Heavy Kick (Simultaneous). This will result in many frustrating super combos that actually do damage instead of the majesty of Dan's ultimate taunt. For those of you who wish to see this brilliance, I have included a link to a video of its performance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QImoKXIS1G8) Once pulled off online, most opponents will cease their attack and watch the amazing spectacle, almost as if they were soldiers watching a baby being born on a battlefield, like that one scene in Children of Men starring the world's greatest actor Clive Owen. If they attack while Dan is displaying this amazing feat, that means they have automatically lost the match. Even if the game says they won, you know in your mind that you are the true victor and should remind them of this through a private message. This is the only way I can be successful online in SFIV; if you cannot attain victory, you must not change your strategy, but instead change what defines victory. I bet Sun Tzu said that, but I can't be sure; either him or Maddox, and either way, they know a lot more about kicking ass then you or I do.


I may be a son a bitch online in either MvC2 or SFIV, but I am nothing compared to the "Pro's" at Conventions and Tournaments. For those of you fortunate enough to be unacquainted with these fine gentlemen (And yes I say gentlemen, because it is only in the case of statistical anomalies that you see women playing in these sausage fests. Probably because of the presence of Naruto headbands, or as I like to call them "Pussy Deflectors"), these are the people who proclaim to be experts at all or any fighter that is present; they only play top tier fighters like Sagat, Nu-13, or Sentinel/Storm/Cable, they insist that they gets literally bags of leaking vaginas, and wear pink polos with collars popped as to indicate their dominance of societal norms. Unfortunately for them however, they suck at whatever game they hope to button mash and win at. They lose to cosplaying pocket miners and then blame it on the controller. After all, real pros only use sticks, right? Now, I will admit that it is incredibly frustrating to find that every new gen fighter played at conventions are generally played on the 360, which anyone one man will tell you is like trying to finesse an orgasm out of a women with four fingers taped together. It just isn't gonna happen unless she did some stuff in the past that she isn't too proud of. I own every fighter on PlayStation 3, because I prefer the D-Pad, which is an actually Directional Button interface as opposed to a plastic circle that barely approximates that it is supposed to even function like a D-Pad; Shit, for all that dumb thing knows, its a fucking trek ball! It definitely moves like one. Analog sticks just won't do unless you want to play as the Bear Nation's Most Wanted Sexual Predator Zangief, so 360 controllers aren't exceptionally well-suited for fighting games. However, Pro Joe will waste no time in telling everyone about how much ass he would have kicked as opposed to kiss if he had his "sticks" and not the piece of shit in front of him. I may be the same asshole who PMed you on the PSN with "Dan's the best!" after canceling a deathblow into a super taunt, but this guy is King Douche. If There were units of measure that defined being a cunt, people like that would be in the Terracunts. I'd probably be around 1.43 gigacunts, about the same amount you'd find on a thumbstick.