First off "Cheat Code Yard Gnome" sounds like a band. Just does. Sounds like one of those trendy bands that you hear playing the lute to some weird surfer tone. I don't like the idea of it, because I live around tons of that crap. But still, nobody steal that name. Copyrighting that shit.

I sat down this morning in front of my laptop, sleepily watching my seven year old play The Sims 2 for PS2. Now, this game has been out for ages but she's never wanted to play it before. When I mentioned it was like virtual dolls.. she got into it fast. Turning it on, I noticed she built houses that homeless people would've snubbed, the walls were wonky and purple psychedelic rugs were littering the yard. It wasn't pretty. Then, my child became increasingly concerned with her sim's lack of a toilet. I stepped in and tried to bring some order to the chaos until my child asked..

"Can I have babies?", she asked.

My fingers stopped moving on the controller and I didn't even answer, I just responded calmly and diplomatically.

"No, because EA didn't let the PS2 version have a pregnancy feature. However, if they had.. you would've had to get married and be together for four whole years before you could have a child. Then, when you did.. you'd have to adopt it.", I lied. I didn't want her to think she could "woo-hoo" with just any old Joe Six-Pack (Did you like my reference?) and so I just lied my ass off. She sighed and told me she truly wanted to make babies on here and then she could emulate myself and her father.

"Oh, don't worry.", I reassured her. "You can still fight with people, argue, make faces at them and generally be rude as hell. So, if you think about it.. it's just LIKE Daddy and I.".

She seemed cool with that prospect and then set to fixing her chaotic shamble of a front yard, which was slowly resembling a house. Then she stopped and held out the controller with a big groan.

"I ran out of money. Now what?", she sighed. I looked at her and with all the simplicity I could muster, I answered. "Get a job." This answer did not please her and then she waggled the controller at the laptop I was in front of. "Can't you just put in a code or something?", she asked.

"That would be cheating. Think I can put in a code when I don't want to work?", I asked before I started googling cheat codes. There, plain as day.. was a cheat code for a yard gnome. Well, they said it was but it looked nothing like one. I watched her futz around trying to find a job for another fifteen minutes and then gave in, giving her all the money her little grubby palms could desire.

Hours later, I find my child has added many colorful pieces to her home. A hot-tub shaped like a heart, a heart rug and pink fucking flamingos all over the goddamn place. I asked her why she did that, she said it reminded her of the zoo. I just stared.. for a long time.. and then walked away. I wish I knew what on in that head of her's, I really do.

Pink fucking flamingos.

First off, thanks to everyone for the welcoming comments. I promise, I'm not nearly as hostile and "tough girl" as I might come off. I'm a big old mushy giggle-kitten at times too. Oh, did I mention I have footy pajamas? Nobody tough and "grr" could ever get away with rubber duckie footy pajamas.

Until now.

SOOOOO.. Rock Band 2. Let me give you a little segue into the situation that started my Rock Band career. First off, my band is called "Totes Goulet" which is an homage to Robert Goulet (I hope you all saw Will Ferrell's skit on SNL as Robert Goulet.) and my favorite shortened word for "Totally". Anyways, my friends and I got really excited when EA sent me the Special Edition for Rock Band last year and we must have spent nine months killing it daily. We trashed the guitars, the drum set is dented and we went through two microphones. There was no stopping Totes Goulet and we didn't stop playing until all of us could breeze through Expert.

Alas.. when we were at E3, my friends and I were the first at the booth to play the new setup. Amy sat down at the drums and the lovely man from Harmonix let us know that we were the first people to play the new instruments that were not developers. We got tingly, we opened up with a blazing rendition of "Still Alive" and then played until other journalists came over to snap the controllers from our sweaty palms. We were on fucking FIRE, people. To us, E3 was like a stop in our nationwide tour of destruction..

And then we saw the setlist.

Now, I gave Rock Band 2 a solid chance when I saw the eclectic varieties of music they had chosen for this go around. I really, really wanted to get in there and wreck shop but I realized I didn't know HALF the damn songs. Sure, I knew the classics and some of the new ones were there.. but then I kept catching the songs that were vague. How the hell did Dinosaur Fucking Jr. get on the setlist? What were they thinking when they put RATT with my beloved Rock Band? I was just mortified.

Still, I plugged on. You haven't seen hilarity until you see me screaming to "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine at three in the morning in a garage. Oh, did I mention that? Yes, I set up a big Rock Band setup in my garage. Rugs, LCD monitor, chairs and an upcoming microphone stand. In my garage, I rocked the hell out to music I didn't even know and I think it might be soul crushing. Now I know what it's like to be a twenty-year old band that has their music written for you. No soul, no life in it.. just plugging away through your tour and praying for the next bottle of Jack Daniels on your tour bus. Every night I ended my set, I felt defeated.

The first Rock Band was like an explosion of joy all over my face, you know? Every time I played a song, even if I didn't know it, I wanted to learn it. I would buy the tracks off iTunes and learn them, I'd play fanatically -- but Rock Band 2 isn't giving me that. I almost feel dread when I flip my garage lights on now. Why is that? Where did the love go that created the ever popular "Totes Goulet"?

Man, I need something to believe in.

I'm not about to start my introduction with a bunch of hyperbole.. but you know what makes me happy about Destructoid? You know what really pleases me? Really, REALLY gets me all excited in the pants region? The fact I can post everything that I just said in these last three sentences here and nothing gets censored. I've written for many places in the past, I've ran my own blog and still the politics followed me. I was the foul-mouthed heathen that everyone had to tame and man, did that shit get old.

Let me start out by saying that I'm not your typical female around these parts. We've had the vicious stereotypes out there that make us one of two things; we're either gamer "grrls" and all of us wish we had dicks where our precious flowers are.. OR we're "females who casually play fucking BEJEWELED and call those videogames.". This, my friends, is what I have to work with.

I am neither. You won't catch me popping caps in heads because I'm imagining they're macho frat-boys with their all-night keggers. Furthermore, I don't "puzzle game" and call it a fucking day. No. Sure, I like some mindless entertainment that's been railed through the system for the casual gamer.. but it's not my bread and butter. No, sir. Not this chick.

What you do have in me is a mouthpiece for men and women alike. The kind of person you can sit down with and pick their brains for what you think happened to the survival horror genre. To ask where the downfall of the console war went and you know what? I won't bullshit you. I'm the same female that's told game designers and developers to their faces what they could've done better in their last title and yet, I've remained friends with every single one of them. Yes, I'm abrasive but I say this shit as my truth and I expect people to do the same with me.

Most of all, I'm passionate about my Industry and that is the Video Game Industry at large. I've become a big advocate for anti-piracy in the gaming world and fight hard to educate people on it where I can. I love the forefathers of our precious hobby, the ones that came to the front of the lines and started the market for our dreams and goals. I admire the creativity of Miyamoto and Kojima and find them to be geniuses in the field. Art couldn't get anymore interactive than what we see before us when we boot up our systems.. and I love everything about it.

So, there you go. This is me. Candice. I'm a fucking brat and I doubt anybody will appreciate that, but it's honest. Most people might say I'm too intense to get, but that's an intensity that spans both areas. Good. Bad. Indifferent. Hate with a fury, love with a fire.

Can't wait to talk to some of you and thanks for giving me another sounding board here at Destructoid!

</3,
Candice