First off "Cheat Code Yard Gnome" sounds like a band. Just does. Sounds like one of those trendy bands that you hear playing the lute to some weird surfer tone. I don't like the idea of it, because I live around tons of that crap. But still, nobody steal that name. Copyrighting that shit.
I sat down this morning in front of my laptop, sleepily watching my seven year old play The Sims 2 for PS2
. Now, this game has been out for ages but she's never wanted to play it before. When I mentioned it was like virtual dolls.. she got into it fast. Turning it on, I noticed she built houses that homeless people would've snubbed, the walls were wonky and purple psychedelic rugs were littering the yard. It wasn't pretty. Then, my child became increasingly concerned with her sim's lack of a toilet. I stepped in and tried to bring some order to the chaos until my child asked..
"Can I have babies?", she asked.
My fingers stopped moving on the controller and I didn't even answer, I just responded calmly and diplomatically.
"No, because EA didn't let the PS2 version have a pregnancy feature. However, if they had.. you would've had to get married and be together for four whole years before you could have a child. Then, when you did.. you'd have to adopt it.", I lied. I didn't want her to think she could "woo-hoo" with just any old Joe Six-Pack (Did you like my reference?) and so I just lied my ass off. She sighed and told me she truly wanted to make babies on here and then she could emulate myself and her father.
"Oh, don't worry.", I reassured her. "You can still fight with people, argue, make faces at them and generally be rude as hell. So, if you think about it.. it's just LIKE Daddy and I.".
She seemed cool with that prospect and then set to fixing her chaotic shamble of a front yard, which was slowly resembling a house. Then she stopped and held out the controller with a big groan.
"I ran out of money. Now what?", she sighed. I looked at her and with all the simplicity I could muster, I answered. "Get a job." This answer did not please her and then she waggled the controller at the laptop I was in front of. "Can't you just put in a code or something?", she asked.
"That would be cheating. Think I can put in a code when I don't want to work?", I asked before I started googling cheat codes. There, plain as day.. was a cheat code for a yard gnome. Well, they said it was but it looked nothing like one. I watched her futz around trying to find a job for another fifteen minutes and then gave in, giving her all the money her little grubby palms could desire.
Hours later, I find my child has added many colorful pieces to her home. A hot-tub shaped like a heart, a heart rug and pink fucking flamingos all over the goddamn place. I asked her why she did that, she said it reminded her of the zoo. I just stared.. for a long time.. and then walked away. I wish I knew what on in that head of her's, I really do.
Pink fucking flamingos. read