Context: I started playing Twilight Princess for ‘cube in early 2009. Nearly all of my close friends had finished it a few years earlier. While a few of them were in my room I asked for help on a puzzle that had me stumped at the time. Apparently, this gave them free reign to be backseat gamers and tell me everything I had to do from thenceforth. Being the belligerent person I am, I decided to try my hardest to do the opposite whenever possible.



Hi my name is Link. Most people who know me say that I am soft spoken, but today I have a story to tell.

Most my life I have lived and worked on a ranch in Ordon. It was not the most entertaining place to grow up, but everyone seems to enjoy the peace and quiet. It may be a little too quiet though. I think I am going crazy, but the village does not have a psychiatrist, so I just deal with it. You see, I have been hearing voices in my head. They generally seem like they mean well, but really annoying. It is tough to do anything when you cannot hear yourself think.



One day monsters attacked my village and took all of the children. Being the helpful sort, I decided to go get them back and maybe save the while I was at it. I mean, every few years I am forced to do it anyways and I was leaving the house already and this Twilight seemed especially daunting. Rumour has it that it was turning teenage girls all over Hyrule into vampires.

Early on in my journey I was walking in the woods and a voice called out to me and told me there was a charming bird around the corner that I could pay for lamp oil. I have been hearing these voices for a while now and the only way I can keep sane is to do the exact opposite of what they tell me. I shook my head and went up to the bird’s kettle slow and purposefully, filling my bottle before running off. I guess the bird did not take too kindly to thieves because he gave chase and attacked me. Just between you and me, I hate birds. As far back as I can remember, we never really have gotten along.



Sometimes when you are on an epic journey you just need to cut loose for a while, so I decided to go Mountain Climbing. However, there was this real jerk that would not let me up the path to Death Mountain. The voices said I needed to learn some Sumo techniques to thwart him. To hell with that, I thought, Sumo wrestlers are fat and I need to keep my girlish figure to impress Ilia. I tried all day to get up that path. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I could not get past that fat guy. After he knocked me out, I gave in to the voices’ suggestions and decided to go back home for some training, but you sure bet I was not happy about it.



After I climbed that mountain, I went back on my quest to save the children and rid the world of Twilight. I needed to make it up the mountain river to the water’s source to see the Zoras. The voices suggested I turn into a Zora to swim upriver, but that is sooo nine years ago. Being the modern man I am, I decided to find a Twilight Creature to ride up the canyon on. I felt just like one of those Ring Wraiths from the Lord of the Rings movies.



I met a Zora lady who gave me some armour as a special gift. If my past experiences with the Zoras tell me anything, I think that means I have to marry her. Anyway, with this new armour I was able to breathe under water as well as overcome my fear of diving beneath the surface of the water. I entered an ancient temple that took a very arduous and frustratingly long time to complete. During this time the voices were oddly silent and did not have any helpful tips...the bastards.



Shortly after, my quest took me to the desert. When I was there I managed to find this really cool disc shaped skateboard. For some reason the voices told me that it was going to nearly completely useless once I left this place, but I showed them. I ride that thing all the time now. Who needs Epona when I have an awesome deck like that? I find it to be especially useful for crowd control. Frequently I will find myself surrounded by many small enemies. Ingeniously, my board comes with blades on the edges for such occasions and they rip straight through the hordes of little blighters like no one’s business.



With my newfound love of board sports I decided to head to the mountains to pick up snowboarding. There I met a Yetti who taught me how to snowboard. I followed him down the run to his place, where he invited me in for some hot cocoa and soup.

While I was there I learned not even the Mountains had escaped the spread of the Twilight, and I had work to be done there too. It was here I found my ball and chain. Again, those stupid voices told me it was near useless and was just here to help me in my quest to rid the Yetti’s Chalet of evil. But I showed them! That ball and chain has practically replaced my sword. When I swing that thing around my head it creates a nearly impenetrable shield, and the ball makes quick work of my enemies...especially those Lizafos that were defiling the Floating City.

Later on, I found to a hidden village past the Bridge of Eldin. When I approaching, I noticed it was infested with monsters! I began to hear music reminiscent of shootouts from Westerns in my head, and the voices spoke to me again, telling it was the perfect time to use that bow I found and snipe them all.



However, I sir am no pussy. I ran into the fray with a ferocious battle cry with my trusty ball and chain in hand and proceeded to slaughter all of the monsters in hand to hand combat. The voices were shocked and astonished at what I had done. They enquired “Surely it was more practical to take them out from a distance?” However, practicality did not factor into my battle plans...only sweet thoughts of bludgeoning monsters with my oversized flail.

The rest is pretty much history. I went on to save the world... again and some ugly chick that was practically stalking me turned out to actually be hot, but she left before I had the chance to put the moves on her. I go through all that hard work to save the world and don’t even get any action out of it? Sigh. Maybe I should go back to serenading all the ladies with my Ocarina.