Where In The (Insert Milieu Here) Is Carmen Sandiego?

These earlier halcyon days were spent playing video games that all tried to teach me something. Gorillas aimed to provide me with rudimentary artillery skills so I could one day fight in the Simian Wars of 2032. The Oregon Trail was a lesson in the merriment of death and the enjoyment of the suffering of others. And Red Storm Rising, more so than even Red Dawn, communicated how utterly ridiculous the Cold War was. Carmen Sandiego, meanwhile, taught me that it was quite clearly awesome to steal things. Carmen and her merry band of thieves always managed to walk away with the craziest of objects. "Quick gumshoe, someone just stole the entire Gross National Product of Belize/the Mason-Dixon line/Alexander Graham Bell's catheter/happiness/your very fucking soul!"


So that's what passes for national treasure in Peru? Fucking llama paintings?

I doubted at the time that someone with a punny name like Hardley Worthit or Patty Larceny could piss their pants much less steal nebulous concepts like "all the banks of the Nile!" But hey, they did and, even if I easily tracked them down over and over again, they were out in less than a day and once again stealing some other ridiculous shit. So, crime might not have paid but it certainly seemed more interesting than traveling around the world and asking people "Did you see anything suspicious?" when you really should be more direct and inquire "Did the fucking Rio Grande just pass by here?" Listen, I don't need a warrant if the suspect has Yankee Stadium in his back pocket. It's called probable cause, god damn it. Look it up, Chief.


Look at that! That's how little they respect the justice system! The unmitigated gall of these magnificent bastards.

I think they really dropped the ball when it came to sequels. Sure, she traveled through time and the US and the world and even space. But what about invading my own body? Then, I could send in little nano-machines to ask my white blood cells for help reclaiming my duodenum. The brain could be the chief! Or how bout Where In Iraq Is Carmen Sandiego? Instead of a warrant, you need an exit strategy before you can apprehend the bitch. Common stolen objects are hope, peace, WMDs, and a functional democracy. For adults, CSI: Carmen Sandiego where you get to sit in a lab and conduct exciting tests while the in-game camera has a seizure and The Who's cultural relevancy is rubbed red raw.


Fun fact: 90% of the Ren Fair rejects pictured here have killed themselves.