I might have mentioned Every Game Ever on here before, but in case I am retarded and didn't, or you, dear reader, didn't read any of my crap before this, Every Game Ever is a place where I and several friends are making blog entries, (supposedly) one a day, about every game. Starting with the North American games for the SNES. You gotta start somewhere, right?

So Every Game Ever has been taking a lot of my time, what with having to write one entry a week (or more, since a bunch of people dropped off and I ahve to make up for their shit). It has been a bumpy road, but there has been a real fucking renaissance recently, so I thought I'd share some of my faves by some of my fave authors for the place.

Scott is a phenom, but perhaps nothing is quite as laugh-out-loud as his review of FIFA International Soccer.

Everyone seems to know that Brazil is the best country at soccer, even though the majority of its citizens do not play (unlike Cleatselburg, where soccer—or football, if you will—is a mandatory activity that takes up 70% of the day and is responsible for an epidemic of knee injuries), so I relied on the only Brazilian I know: Thiago Silva. No, not Thiago Emiliano da Silva the Brazilian footballer; he plays at AC Milan. No, not Thiago Jotta da Silva; he was murdered to death and is no longer good at soccer as a result. No, not even Thiago Silva the MMA fighter; I don’t know him. I’m talking about Thiago Silva the miniature steam engine repair technician who works at TRAIN WORLD, THE TRAINIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. He repairs little trains.

Since I don’t speak Brazilian, and Thiago doesn’t really speak Canadian*, I had him write down his impressions while playing FIFA International Soccer and then used Google’s translation tools to transcribe it here:

Look at these little men running! Why they do not run with the ball? This is the game of football, is running with the ball and take the ball and put it on the network, but they do not want it seems.

I press the buttons and I am not sure if it is working. Is this working? The crowd is screaming and I am ashamed the ball was not placed on the network for my team. They need to have try much harder.

This is making me sad in my heart that my team does not pass each other, but only for the other team. They have to stop. They need more contrast to the practice of his pieces are never implemented in time for the tiniest of trains. Choo Choo. Ha! Ha! I love doing this, the little steam engine. They carry children in tunnels and are sometimes never seen again. That is why I can never go back to São Paulo.

Angus wrote about Fatal Fury Special and I'll be goddamned if it isn't one of the most surreal things I have ever read.

Jem JEM goddamnit get your father another beer I’m like to dry up and expire right here in my chair you wouldn’t want that whose pension is gonna put your goddamn cocoapuffs on the table when I’m dead and gone and paramedics are haulin my ass out this lazyboy and you’re sittin there crying over my body like some kind of pansy there’s too much of your mother in ya I always said ah thanks my son that’ll really PSSSSSSHHHTT hit the spot.

Was a time son when your dear old dad was somone t’ tussle with a real fighter Uncle Sam had me takin a slope name and going in fighting all manner of freaks and weirdos russkies boxers the whole nine. Said we’d end this goddamn cold war if we could just show em who’s boss power percieved is power archieved my son don’t matter if we ever put a goddamn American on the moon only matters that the reds think we did.

Will (that's me) wrote about Final Fight. I didn't know what part to clip because, really, it's one of the few things I've ever written where I actually like the whole thing... but it's a conversation between Cody and Haggar as they progress through the game:
LEVEL 5: BAY AREA

CODY: Here we go! The Bay Area! Classic! This is why you made that San Francisco reference at the beginning! I was starting to get confused!

HAGGAR: MORE LIKE THE YAY AREA, AM I RIGHT? WANT SOME YAYO? SOME COCAINE? I HAVE A LOT! LOOK! IT’S TRAPPED IN MY MUSTACHE! HA HA HA! IT’S LIKE A MILK MUSTACHE BUT MADE OF GACK!

CODY: Whoa this dude is neon red! And named Abigail!

HAGGAR: HAHA WHAT A PUSSY! PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CODY: Good punch!

Travis wrote about Dennis the Menace and is convinced that Kafka basically invented shitty platformers. If you know anything about Kafka you must read this.

I have mentioned before that SNES platformers are, largely, a homogeneous group of faceless experiences that melt together into obscurity. The cartoony protagonist leaping from horizontal surface to horizontal surface, over pattern-locked enemies, onto floating powerups that are doubtless coins, food or trinkets – this archetypical game bursts from every orifice the SNES figuratively possesses, rivaled only by sports games.

I believe that the moist burrow from which the genre’s placenta originally sloughed is Mario, at least in this specific form. Every trope, practically every moment within each of these games, can be traced back to the original Super Mario Brothers, or at least its sequels.

But everyone knows that. I am here today, then, to produce a new thesis on the origins of this genre. You might think it a conspiracy theory, but the overwhelming evidence I present will be so far above your whelm that you won’t even remember what it looks like. Your whelm will be like a footprint in the desert, viewed from the moon, by a myopic, wizened space traveler on his last legs who wanted to see the great, free darkness of space one last time.

My thesis is that all of these games were created, either directly or through vivid inspiration, by Franz Kafka.

I hope you check it out. Travis, Angus and Scott are personal friends of mine who NEVER write but when they do it's INCREDIBLE-- which is why I forced them to work on this. Because they're writing again. And seriously, you need to read what they're writing.