I wrote this a while ago for The Spoilerist which is a site that we wrote fake reviews and stuff with the intention of baiting people into thinking we were idiots. I will probably post it there sometime, but in the meantime, my Dtoid blog is going un-updated, and my rank is dropping (I was in the top 200 a month ago! Pew pew pew!) and I want to give y'all something. Take this with a grain of salt, I'm trying to be dumb.



This review is a super-review! It will review all of the relevant games in the Final Fantasy Universe, so that you might know which ones are most important, and you can choose to play them or simply read this and skip them all! It is your choice but I am warning you now, if you decide to play them all through to the finish you are looking at roughly 1000 hours of your life. That number is staggering. Even if you spend 12 hours a day playing, leaving only time to eat, poo and sleep, my calculations show that it would take you approximately until the year 1997! Astounding!

Final Fantasy (Original)
This is the game that started the end (get it? final? started? ended? HAHA!). There is a rumor that it was called Final Fantasy because it was to be the last game ever made by Squaresoft, who were tanking because they were making games like Tom Sawyer's Adventures. In Japan only. With blackface children. HOW COULD THEY HAVE BEEN FAILING?

Everything changed with FF came out because it was so awesome. You could make your little men! Then fight goblins and get treasure! And the black belt could become a ninja! It was the best thing ever. It was so good that it turned Squaresoft's luck around, and they were able to keep making games like...

Final Fantasy II, AKA Final Fantasy II (Japan) (that's 2) (two)
This is the Japanese FF2, not the English one. It was the next game they made! Apparently it was really bad, and was made by the SaGa guy who made some REALLY QUESTIONABLY AWFUL games later on as well. In fact, it makes one wonder, how is he still employed? He has virtually no good games to his name, but Square keeps allowing him to make games like SaGa Fronier, Romancing SaGa, Legend of Mana, Final Fantasy Legend II... I could go on, and believe me, nobody likes them. Perhaps he is sweetly retarded, or is married to the CEO's sister, or knows where the secret Square treasure is and is holding it hostage. Who knows? Skip this game. I can't believe a fan translated it to English. Something to be said for completists, I guess.

Final Fantasy III, aka Final Fantasy III (three) (arabic numbering: 3)
This was also on Nintendo and later on the DS. It is basically the same as every other FF game. Pretty people, critical hits, a girl... all that stuff. I played it for about 20 minutes.

Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest (aka "Final Fantasy Mystic Quest 1")
NOW we're talking. This is the good shit. Play this game. If you like it, play the rest of the Final Fantasy games. If you hate it, you'll probably hate all the other games too. And while you're at it, skip Half-Life and Prince of Persia too, because they are basically cheap imitations of this brilliant SNES masterpiece of legend. Speaking of Legend...

Final Fantasy Legend
This is for Game Boy and is really amazing too! If you are a lizard in this game, and you eat the meat of a bee, you will turn into a plant. If you are a mutant, you can get a spell called "GAS" that does damage. You climb a tower in this game that, INEXPLICABLY, has an ocean in it, and a SKY. What the fuck? Play this.

Final Fantasy Adventure
This is actually a precursor to Secret of Mana, and is for the Game Boy. This probably means it sucks as Secret of Mana is a pile of dog shit. Play Secret of Evermore instead, because DOGS ARE KAWAII!!! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

Final Fantasy IV, aka Final Fantasy II
This game made it to America! It is famous for having a sad bard who is spoony, an old man who is Tellah, and two children made of stone! Also there's something about a dark knight who turns to the light side like Star Wars Episodes I-III but played backwards. Whatever! Yawnsville! At least there are some sexy dancing girls in every pub so you can get your penis off while playing. There's also a shirtless guy with a ponytail who fights with claws so you can get your penis off while playing.

Final Fantasy V
I like to call this one "Final Fantasy Vee" even though it should be a "FIVE" not a "VEE!" Anyway it stars a guy named Butz who rides on an emu and runs away from an earthquake. I didn't get very far but there's also a female-to-male crossdresser, the first and last in the Final Fantasy series (now all crossdressers only go the other way) (wait that's probably a lie).

Final Fantasy VI, aka Final Fantasy III
North America's FIRST FFIII, and Japan's ONLY FFVI. It is considered the best by many, possibly the majority, of the fans of the series. I chock this up to them all being creepy pedophiles who want to have wild feral sex with Gau, a little boy with a lithe, knotted, rippling body and the spirit of a fierce, caged SEX tiger. Dirty, dirty fans. Shame on all of you. It is also a game where the main character gets to use a walking tank for a while, which I suppose is cool. There's a guy named Cyan. That's a thing, I guess. And a GHOSTTTT TRAAAAIIINNN!!!! It's been so long since I played it that I forget who ends up being the ghosts. If Scooby Doo is anything to go on it is probably some sort of child-hating groundskeeper.

[i]Final Fantasy VII[/]
Big hair! Big swords! Big phallic towers! This game meets all of your penis-metaphor needs! Also, Tifa has substantial titties. This game is porn. Google Image Search this game with the SafeSearch off and I'm sure you'll find proof soon enough. It does however have a snowboarding minigame! EXXXX FFFUUUCCCKKIINNGGG TTTTTREEEEEEME!

Final Fantasy Tactics
Imagine a Final Fantasy game. Now make it funner. It's called FF Tactics and you should probably play it unless you are an enemy of freedom (in which case you should stop reading because I don't like you).

Final Fantasy VIII (EIGHT/8/ATE)
A criminally overhated game. You don't have to run in circles to level up to win! Oh no! It relies on tactics in battle instead of time wasted! The horror! It was a slightly less childish storyline! NOOO! THE MAIN CHARACTER'S HAIR ISN'T THREE FEET TALL! CALL THE POLICE! ARREST SQUARE! FOR STEALING MY HEART!!!!!!!!

Final Fantasy IX (NEIN/NINE/9)
After the huge backlash from VIII, Square decided to just make a REALLY SHITTY GAME so the fans would be appeased. FFIX was born and for some reason people liked it. They are butt-nuggets.

Final Fantasy X (in French, ca c'est Final Fantasy Dix) (aka Final Fantasy DIX NUTS) (only funny if you know how to pronounce dix in french)
This Final Fantasy game doesn't look like jagged polygons rubbing each other in rough, brutal, SEXUAL ways. That's enough to make it better. Plus it has a game that is basically water polo, but entirely underwater with infinite air, and stupid RPG attacks. Also, the main character looks like the VIII guy and people freaked out but then they played the game and they kinda liked it. Whatever.

Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles
If you wanted to play this game with four friends, and had none of the equipment, but wanted to play it right, you would need to spend about $1000 dollars (gamecube, four game boys, four connectors, the game, a cheap used TV). And then you realize the game is an excuse for your friends to take your treasure. Fuck them and get Pac-Man VS. instead. Much better use of the Game Boy connector. Also, let's talk about how this game has CRYSTAL and CHRONICLES in its name. Basically this game is trying to get kids hooked to meth and other-drug-laced weed. CRYSTAL! CHRONIC! FANTASY!

Final Fantasy XI
Never played it, but since it's an MMO I am sure it is a loom of sadness that takes the wool of time and money and weaves it into a brilliant yarn of misery. Like FFI, you can be a red mage. Unlike FFI, you can't enjoy it.

Final Fantasy XII (aka FF DODECAHEDRON)
It's like an MMO with none of the other people playing. Instead you get to practice your programming chops by setting your team mates up like computers. If this game were online-enabled, with two friends or something, it would have bee nthe best game, bar none. Especially with voice chat, all yelling "I NEED A HEAL" etc. Too bad they didn't do that. Still a pretty good game, and a nice departure from the same old boring shit. Battle-wise, anyway. The story is still the same old boring shit.

Final Fantasy XIII (cockneys pronounce it fuh-EEN, mate, you got five pee for the CHOOB MATE?)
I played it, you can skip it.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance
YOUR EYES WILL FALL OUT. WHY IS THE GBA SO HARD TO LOOK AT.

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance 2: Grimoire Of The Rift
GUYS WHY DIDN'T YOU FIX IT? ARGH I STILL GET NECKACHES FROM YOUR LITTLE SCREENS.

I am sure I have skipped some games, so feel free to post in the comments about them so people know the lowdown. For example, I missed the DS Crystal Chronicles, FF Legend 2/3, FFXII Revenant Wings, any games starring chocobos, probably some others, I forget, but frankly I AM SICK OF THIS TOPIC.

I GIVE THE FINAL FANTASY SERIES A VII OUT OF XII!

I wrote about a dozen of these, and if people like it I may bring some of the other ones to my dtoid blog. Beats writing new shit, anyway!