Once, a long long time ago, I set off to play every single US-released SNES game, one a day, until I had played them all. Then I was going to blog about each one of them. I got about thirty of them, but then my girlfriend got back form her vacation. Now, she's moving away to school-- meaning I have more time to do dumb shit. I am conflicted about whether or not this is a good thing (okay, I'm not conflicted: it sucks), but it DOES mean I can take the reins again. The blog was over at Wordpress, so if you want to see what's there, have a look. But, if you're too lazy to leave Dtoid, I understand. Here are some of my favourite (and least favourite) moments so far.

3 NINJAS KICK BACK



One game in and I already hate this concept. I remember now very well why I didn’t like a lot of games growing up– because a bunch of them were like this. You’re supposed to be playing the three kids from the movies (there were a bunch of these flicks in the 90s, and not one of them managed to touch the pristine glory that is Surf Ninjas), but, aside from one appallingly digitzed sound bite shouting "let’s murderlize them!" (Tum-Tum, you are a warrior AND a saint) there’s no other proof of their youth. Their faces look like an ugly, ugly homage to River City Ransom, with giant ANGRY EYES LIKE THIS >8(, But more insane. The best part is the schlocky 90s generi-metal "bwooww! BWWOWW!" when it loads each new level. You know that guitar rock song that you've never actually heard more than 8 seconds of? Where it’s not even melodic, just a guitar screaming in pain? It’s that sound, and it’s entirely worth it.

Also, the game starts with a giant boulder chasing you. Uhh… did that happen in the movie? I know it happened in a movie…

ABC MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL



Games like this make me wish I had said something in my original post, like, “all of the games EXCEPT for junky Mode 7-filled one-off sports titles sponsored by major television network. Well, I learned my lesson. Next time I start an epic, multi-year project that promises to keep me writing silly inane things on the interweb about video games nobody’s played or even looked at in 10+ years, I’ll get it right.

That said, who’s excited to hear about a football game?!

I didn’t think so.

Well, I started playing as the New York Jets, which may have been my first mistake. It started with a coin toss that followed the coin down to the ground in a sequence I can only liken to playing Pilotwings with two arms tied behind your back, a massive hangover and your eyes glued to ball point pens that are spring-loaded to stab you if you try to look away. Yeah, it looks THAT good. Anyway, I lost the coin toss (I ALWAYS pick Tails,… why didn’t I pick it this time?!) so I had to kick the ball. I guess I was supposed to mash the B button at this point. I think I ended up kicking it about 10 yards! Oops.

Then, blah blah blah, passing plays didn’t work right, rushes sucked, nobody got any points… but there’s one magical thing about this game– miss a passing play, and these HEADBANGING DUDES show up on the screen and begin smashing themselves against the benches in pure agony while a football announcer shouts “FORGET IT!”. It’s so stupid, and funny in its stupidity, that it deserves its own YTMND, surely.

ACME ANIMATION FACTORY (AKA PORKY PIG RIPS OFF MARIO PAINT)



That’s a picture of me with my dream hair (remember Ludwig Von Koopa? I basically want to be him, I figure) doing what I do when I try and use ‘mouse’ type controls (a la ACME Animation Factory or Mario Paint) with a controller: vomitting. Yes, you have to love the eight-way directional freedom of the d-pad for mouse-style cursors! It just makes me want to get CREATIVE, you know? Oh wait, that feeling’s not creativity, it’s ennui. Yeah, ennui! It makes me want to sigh and entertain thoughts about romantic death.

I guess this could be worse. I also made a really awesome song, but I’m not 100% sure how I’d post that for you guys, so I’ll have to figure that out for another time. It kind of sounded like Merzbow if he made retarded Looney Tunes sounds instead of awesome Merzbow sounds.

...in fact, I'm going to make tihs a two-parter. Tune in again on Monday and I'll post more gems from my old everygame blog. Plus, when I get it going again in September, instead of maknig you go to the blog, I'll just pt highlights on my Dtoid blog every week or two. Nice!

AND A BONUS FOR READING THIS FAR:

PROOF THAT TED TURNER, FORMER GAMETAP OWNER, IS A SCARY HERO: