As promised, the second batch of old game reviews I wrote for my old soon-to-be-resurrected Wordpress blog. Hey Dtoid brass, if you're reading, I can always do this for you insteeeeaaaaddd... ;) ;) ;) HIRE ME! *WINK!*

But, seriously... there were some real dogs in this batch. Without further ado, some bad SNES games.

7TH SAGA



Here’s something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a while:

Nintendo, Mode 7 was the stupidest, ugliest thing you ever rolled out. And that’s coming from someone who saw the second AND third SNES consoles.

Now, I’ve heard that 7th Saga is good. I have a friend who’s beaten it several times (EDITOR'S NOTE: after writing this, I talked to my friend-- he's never beaten it once. But he's STARTED it several times. Apparently it's hard). But, if every battle has this atrocious Mode 7 graphic in it, I may throw up before finding a reason to play it. And that’s not just because I’ve had a few beers. But I have. Just putting that out there.

At the start of this game, you get to pick between seven characters (ooh, 7th Saga, Mode 7, seven characters… I GET IT!). They’re pretty awesome 'classes.' They are ugly, like this game, but they are hilarious. Elf, Human, Dwarf, those dudes make sense. It’s when you get to the giant golem, the demon and the damn ALIEN that it gets weird.

Anyway, I started playing, then I ran out into the world to fight some guys, and the first thing I fought killed me. It was a crow or something. I attacked it about 6 times and missed 5. Not impressed.

Is this game worth anyone's time? Maybe. I wouldn’t know, I have a game to play a day AND a full-time job, thank you very much. Only RPGs of the very highest caliber will hold my attention for any length of time (I’m looking at you, letter C...). And Mode 7th Saga doesn’t cut it.

BONUS: I got a really hilarious comment on this one. Here it is:
Mode 7 rocked ass. So did 7th Saga. Of course, modern games in mode 8 are going to look better, but mode 7 had better gameplay & fun.

To which I responded, in my head: "What the fuck is Mode 8?" I love the Internet.

ADDAMS FAMILY, ADDAMS FAMILY: PUGSLEY'S SCAVENGER HUNT, AND ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES



Platform games. What a breed. When they’re good, they’re the best — Sonic the Hedgehog, among others, shows us that. It’s boggling to think of what they may have led to, as well; if not for the jumping physics in the Super Mario Bros games, would we have the interest in making something like a Half-Life 2 physics engine today?

Then there are the other platform games. I cannot imagine a genre with a greater divide between amazing and awful. While the best of the genre is addictive and exciting, the worst is nearly unplayable. One of the things that makes a platformer bad, in my opinion, is anything that is placed in the game to slow you down. With the Mario and Sonic games, you can win by basically holding right on the d-pad and jumping at the right times. Fast and fun. Addams Family doesn’t have that.

I should also mention that I hate the Addams Family franchise. I have since I was a kid. Somthing about the “weird goth family that makes fart jokes” thing is entirely lost on me. Whenever the movie(s), television series (multiple) or even any commercial came on during those exciting, early Saturday mornings, I would change to another channel. I don’t know why I was so repulsed, but I was. I hated Addams Family.



This game’s no different. You go around, apparently trying to save your family, but it seems more like trying to collect spinning dollar signs and jumping on ghosts. It was kind of neat when I found this hat that lets me fly, but not much more fun.

Okay, the first game sucked, but this one actually makes me mad. OOH I AM INSIDE OF A CRYSTAL BALL. I LOVE THAT YOU’VE DECIDED TO CUT OFF LIKE {(h*w) - (pi * r^2)] OF MY SCREEN AND REPLACE IT WITH AN UGLY OLD CROSS-EYED LADY CARTOON. Seriously. What kind of design choice is that? Who was sitting around thinking, “yeah, I have an idea… let’s waste an assload of screen space! Then put shitty “speed punishment” falling spears and stuff! Amazing!!

This is not good for my health. Or my impressions of the Addams Family franchise.



Now, Addams Family Values. I have to say one thing about this game– the beginning, which is outside, looks freakishly like a Zelda game, so much so that I checked to see if they stole sprites of bushes. Apparently not, but wow. This game might have some promise, but I didn’t play it very long because I got to the first “boss” in about 3 minutes, died, and didn’t feel like continuing. There’s potential here, though. It does suffer from one major design flaw, though:

THE ADDAMS FAMILY IS FUCKING STUPID

That’s all I really got against this one, I suppose. Maybe if I played it any longer, I would like it, but after two terrible, awful Addams Family games, not to mention two movies and two television series and a bunch of toys surely, I am suprised I gave this stupid title as much of a chance as I did give it.

Monday will see things return to normal around here. I will try my best to do daily on weekends, but I’m not sure how possible it’ll be every weekend. I will keep up on the game-a-day thing, though. Anything I miss I will make up!

ADVENTURES OF KID KLEETZ



File this one under things that aren’t as they seem as well.

I mean, really– a no-name platformer with an ugly looking kid and a soccer ball for the SNES. This game has no right being good. And yet…

Okay, maybe it’s the soccer fixation speaking. That’s the only logical explanation that I would actually enjoy a game like this, right? I mean, I’ve never even heard of it. Surely someone would have told me it was worth playing at some point! A friend, a magazine, a ouija board, an opium dream, anything. I know the latter helped me break 1 million in Geometry Wars, where was it this time?

Seriously, this game is really fun. Don’t let the terrifying title/loading screens fool you. You have a soccer ball, and you can kick it screens away and it just waits there. If you run away without the ball, it doesn’t “find” you. Likewise, you kill a baddie, and he doesn’t reappear when you go back to look at the surprisingly good backgrounds. You can balance on the ball, kick it at enemies, kick it up to get secrets, bounce it on your head, bounce on it yourself, dribble with it… maybe more, who knows? And all of the sprites are fun and kind of hilarious. You can jump in the sewer and hit rats or battle fireman-slash-mechanic guys. There’s the typical “collect these funny looking things” angle, too, but it’s hardly a hassle, given he remaining awesome this game is drenched in.


Seriously, guys. Sports-related platformer. It works! Next I’m going to be a fan of Izzy’s Quest or something (Izzy was the mascot of Atlanta’s 1996 Olympics, and yes, he had a platformer, and yes, I remembered that without Wikipedia, so if I’m wrong, don’t act like you’re all better because you had the patience to fact-check me where I couldn’t fact-check myself).

In short: Play this game.

ADVENTURES OF DR. FRANKEN



I’m not sure I understand the appeal during the 16-bit era to make bigger sprites. The SNES allowed us to have guys on the screen that were bigger than they could have been on the NES, and a bunch of games jumped on this. What’s weird, though, is that the size of the sprites is often inversely proportional to the quality of the game.

Games with smaller sprites:
- All the Mario games
- Street Fighter
- Chrono Trigger

Games with bigger sprites:
- Dr. Franken
- Clayfighter 2
- Family Dog

Need I say more? This game feels kind of like a really, really cheap, awful clone of Castlevania, in a way. In that you climb stairs. That’s about it. You play Frankenstein’s Monster, if he looked like the 90s and was stupid. Your main attack is a useless kicking move. It’s actually a very funny animation in its awfulness.

This game is probably not worth checking out unless you are the HUGEST fan of Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster ever, and don’t mind something so ugly and so 90s that makes Zombies Ate My Neighbors look like a modern chic masterpiece, then you may just be in pig heaven when you play this game.