Above, from left to right.: "I dun know what zis 'coffee' is" "Wrex." "I'm so ripped."

Mmm mmm. Sexy. My muscles are so large women practically leap out of their clothes and into my arms. I make them sign a release form before sex because my dick is a liability. I smash peoples' skulls in with my bare hands, get huge, mysterious scars that people don't want to ask about but can't help but notice how manly I look, and successfully court every girl within a 12 mile radius of my location. Who am I?

That's right, I'm a manly man.

Let's take our three fine manly men for examples here, and we will simply cross-reference the data between "muscle size" and "no. of women attained", allowing us to hopefully find a correlation. Then, we can take that data, match it with over 300 surveys from across the game industry, and Eureka! Problem solved. No one will bother to ask where or how I got my numbers or information from, because that is irrelevant in the game of politics.


Niko Bellic. The embodiment of the American dream. Fast cars, high stakes, big titties, and the ability to sleep with FBI agents and women you meet over the internet. Forget going out and talking to someone on the street, for they are just simple fodder for when he decides to drive on the sidewalk instead of the road. Niko Bellic is a man of class, before every date he puts on his finest pair of track pants, always makes sure to wipe the blood off of his clothes, and always is courteous enough to drive the woman around town, that way he can avoid traffic, and women's inability to drive. Who knew traffic light and telephone poles were so flimsy? But those damn bus stops. Those bus stops ended more than one date for Niko Bellic.
Did I mention prostitutes? Eastern Europeans have a thing for prostitutes.

NERDY UNMANLY STATS: Avg. sexness per day: 26.7 (measured in the metric system, so I have no idea how to convert it)
failed attempts at getting with women: at least one
successful attempts at getting with women: dear god.


Now Shephard is an interesting pick, as nearly every aspect of his/her (tranny) appearance can be changed. But does that stop this astro"nut" from getting all the space pussy in the galaxy? Hell no it doesn't. To this day, Shepard can still count the number of testicles, breasts, genitals, faces, and orifices with each species he/she (tranny) has slept with. When he/she (tranny) is not saving the galaxy, or listening to people's sob stories about how their life sucks but now that they are with Shephard it is all better blah blah, Shephard is off banging some different life form, going bodly where no man/woman/transgender has gone since college.

NERDY UNMANLY STATS:Avg. sexness per day: 82352-3.123 (This is in space numbers, so they might look daunting, because that's what everything in space is.)
failed attempts at getting with women: very few
successful attempts at getting with women: one at a time.


"DOM! DOM! DOM! DOM!" It doesn't matter that his name is Dominic, Marcus is badass enough to say it. And he does say it, about 37 times a game. This is just the beginning of Marcus' assertiveness, as he has been able to 'slip' himself into just about any situation, using his 'gun' to 'weasel' his way out of 'things', and into 'things' as the case may be. Now that the joke is successfully killed, let us move on. Marcus is another interesting pick, while he is the very epitome of manliness in video games, he lacks a strong female 'partner', if you catch my drift. Yeah, that's right. You wonder why the brothers Carmine keep getting themselves 'killed'. There's no way 'out' once Marcus gets his 'grip' on you. Damnit, I said I would stop. When he's not taking a ride on the 'Cole Train', Marcus is either killing aliens, or doing 'group-bonding' activities with his squad. Why else would they be so emotionally 'attached'? It seems that Dom is the only one able to escape his 'grasp', but you should have seen the glint in Marcus' eye when Dom had to put his wife down. Buttsex-1 Women-0.

NERDY UNMANLY STATS: Avg. sexness per day: 6 'innuendos'
failed attempts at getting with women: he never attempted
successful attempts at getting with 'women': it hurts just thinking about it.



If these are the kind of people getting laid, where does that leave the rest of us?