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3:37 AM on 01.17.2008

Here's why Wii software is a giant turd

Over at IGN Matt Casamassina posted a blog update complaining about how third Party Wii games are selling like ass. He's right, so far apart from Rock band barely any third party game has sold more than 2 copies. Suda 51 recently scratched his head over why his psychopathic genre mash of a blood fucking orgy flopped in Japan, and now all the developers seem to sitting around saying "What's going on?".

Know what the problem is? Production value. Every third party Wii game is a budget effort. Where as some games on the 360 and PS3 are costing around $20 million up to $70 Goddam million (MGS4), I'd say most games on the Wii cost around $5 to $10 million. Gamers see that, weigh it up to the dollar value of purchasing it, and then just grab COD4 instead. I mean seriously, who the Christ is going to choose Medal of Honor over COD4? Who is going to choose Rayman over Mass Effect? Who is going to choose Red Steel over Bioshock or MGS4? Now I realise that a lot of that budget it because it's top end hardware and the production costs are higher, but the Wii software is nothing even near the quality of what the PS2 had. Why?

Even great games like Z&W are low budget games. They are small games, testing the water games, and gamers don’t want that. We are on better hardware than the PS2, yet I've seen no game that gets anywhere near the titles that console had - what we have now is all the crappy filler that was between good PS2 games. Developers seemed to have a field day with the PS2, yet when it comes to the Wii nobody seems to know what to do.

When a game gets released on the Wii with a production value of $20 or $30 million gamers will know and they will respond. It will actually sit up there with God of war 2 or Shadow of the Colossus or Ico or Gran Turismo. But at the moment the only people making high production games are Nintendo. Is it any surprise that those are the only games selling then? Will we ever see third party games equal to the quality of PS2 games? Is the secret to making a better game on the Wii as complex as "put some fucking money into your project jackass"?   read

4:16 AM on 09.08.2007

Then and Now: A scientific analysis on why everyone needs to shut the fuck up

Then: The Xbox was the fat band playing new kid at school when it turned up years ago. It was ridiculed by PS2 owners for its massive size and weight, many a comparison being made between it and objects viewable from the moon.
Now: The PS3 is now the biggest console ever made. The PS3 is praised for being so huge, since it must hold ‘massive power’, it's puny case trying to contain it all in, like He-Man flexing in a lycra top.

Then: PSX consoles break all around the world. A faulty laser requires users to play the consoles on their sides or upside down, sometimes turning the console that direction too. The problem gets worse until you are considered lucky to have a working one left. PS2 consoles then break all around the world. The faulty laser is so common, a class action law suit is filed against Sony.
Now: The Xbox360 has problems with overheating, 360 is ridiculed to death.

Then: The PS2 is the weakest console on the market. Xbox and Gamecube owners scoff at ports of PS2 games like Splinter Cell and RE4 as they have to be downgraded to run properly. PS2 owners do not care, because having more power does not make good games.
Now: The PS3 is the most powerful console on the market. Xbox and Wii owners scoff at the PS3 and claim having more power does not make good games.

Then: The PS2 is the cheapest console on the market. PS2 owners point and laugh at the Xbox for its enormous price tag, laughing behind its back and wondering why anyone would pay that much for a console.
Now: The PS3 costs more than launching a shuttle into space.

Then: Xbox owners pass notes in class giggling about how the PS2 does not have a hard drive, remarking how it’s the standard now for all things cool and hip.
Now: Microsoft launches a hard drive free SKU while the PS3 adopts it as standard. Developers bitch about not knowing which people will own a hard drive or not and that it is causing problems.

After running all the data through a computing number machine, scientists discovered the following: "Everyone needs to shut the fuck up unless you want to look like a fool next generation". They did tests and things.   read

10:54 AM on 09.04.2007

So let me see if I've got this right...

The best game on the PS3 at the moment, WarHawk, does not need Blu-ray.
The best game coming out on the Wii, Super Smash Bros. does not need a Wiimote.
The best game on the 360 at the moment, Bioshock, does not have any multiplayer.

What's the world coming too? All 3 consoles seem to be just as fucked up as each other 0_o   read

3:33 AM on 08.30.2007

Nintendo games are worse now than when on the NES, and here's why

Jack Thompson was right; sometimes games really do make me want to stab someone in the eye with a rusty titanium knife gun.

Here we are, in 2007, and games are still hocking up the most repetitive game design element known to man, so much so that were using the same Goddam designs from the NES era with hardly one iota of new innovation. With all the new adventure games coming out soon (mostly on the Wii), a tired old withered up game design element drags itself out once again...

I'm talking of course about enviroment designs.

Back in ye’ olden days of the NES, when people bought games in 10ft boxes and had to assemble them when they got home with a screwdriver that never came in the box (and if you didn’t follow the instructions exactly, BAM, you’d end up with a Goddam BIKE for Christmas morning instead), a fresh new take on video games was appearing. Mario grabbed gamers by the hair and dragged them through exciting worlds. Over the Mario games to come, players would visit such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

And for a time, things were good. Then Super Mario 3 came out and before we could even pick our shattered testicals off the ground from the last awe inspiring games, SM3 was one again stealing all our time, visiting such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The years progressed, and soon every game from Nintendo from “Mario 64” to “Zelda: Majoras Mask” to every Donkey Kong Country game all featured the same worlds. Over and Over. But where as before the new features like sliding on Ice, melting ice, freezing lava, jumping out of quicksand by mashing the jump button and so on had drawn us in before, now there were no new ones to tie us over at all; we were just shelling out money for the same old puzzles in the same worlds over and over again. If videogames were stripjoints, we’d make people so sick of naked women, vaginas would be illegal.

That’s why I was impressed to get the new “Zelda: Twiglight Princess” game. A refreshing change! When I visited the ice world, I got to melt ice and slide around, and I got to go the jungle world, and the desert world was pretty fun…hang on a second, ITS ALL THE SAME GODDAM SHIT AGAIN.

But I am not angry. Nintendo has more tricks up its sleeve than just those few words. Mario Galaxy for example! Its set in outer-fucking-space! Finally, some new environments, OH THANK YOU JESUS! No more melting ice and freezing lava. I get to visit planets like the lava planet, the jungle planet, the ice planet….oh crap, its all the same stuff again isnt it?

But fear not! Third parties will save us! Surely they will break the mold where Nintendo is just trotting out the same old shit? Zack and Wiki – its about pirates who use flying ships - It's like a dream come true! What worlds do they have in store for us? So lets see, there is the Lava caves where you need to freeze lava (with an item you get from the ice world I bet!), the ice world where you melt ice, a jungle world, a ghost world, a desert world...ok, it’s the same 6 worlds again being used again with the same old puzzles.

What about Dewey's adventures? Goddam, its about droplets of water that ride clouds and change seasons. Please, OH PLEASE, you have to have something different right? YOU RIDE CLOUDS! To quote the video review “Visit exciting worlds like the Lava world where you freeze lava”. I’m not kidding...To continue, “visit the ice world where you need to be careful not to slide off the edge, a jungle world, a desert word” Ill save you the hassle of reading the rest by giving you a spoiler that the same 6 worlds with the same old puzzles are being trotted out again.

I’m bloody sick of it. Are these the only locations developers can think up? Are these the only puzzles they can come up with? I’m going to predict the future, right here, right now. Prepare to be amazed! Ready? Mario Galaxy 2 will feature:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The next Zelda game will have these same 6 locations. Metroid and the Metroid Primes continue to pump these same levels out, where I had to – get ready for it – FREEZE LAVA! Wow! How do they come up with this shit?

It’s seriously hard to get excited for a game which has the same 6 worlds all over again, because its just hard to get excited about doing the same lava freezing, quick sand jumping, ice melting, vine swinging shit you’ve been doing since the Nes. Enough already. Really.   read

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