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11:38 AM on 04.30.2008

Time for honesty

Time for honesty. When I first signed up for an account on Dtoid, I did it for one purpose – To be a dick. On every website I go to I try to be a nice, calm collected person, and my goal with Dtoid was to create an account that I could swear and insult and be an outlet for the hate bubbling inside.

It seemed like a great idea at first, then something happened; I actually started to feel guilty. The more I got to know people here, the less fun posting “FUCK COCK” was and the more of a complete knob I just seemed like. This all came to a head after Jim and Nick and a bunch of people left some really nice comments in my 5 suggestions to improve Dtoid, I couldn’t bring myself to act like a complete fuck bucket today in the comments. I felt bad. Goddamit.

So, to hopefully start a new leaf I’m changing my avatar, cutting down on the flamey posts and actually post some decent blog updates every once in a while (not including this one) . This is my attempt to actually act like some kind of half decent member, well, as decent as you can act on Dtoid anyway. Cocks.

I blame all this happy and cheery crap on Chad. I think his super happy blogs are warping my mind.   read

9:24 AM on 04.27.2008

My 5 suggestions to improve Dtoid

Let’s face it, I’m awesome. You know it, I know it, and your mum knows it 3 times a week. To top it off I’m bloody smart to boot, and just as luck would have it I’ve decided to share some of my intellect around. What follows are 2 suggestions I would really love to see implemented, 3 wish list items I would like to see but may not be possible, and a picture of a frog with a snail on his head.

1) Put article author names in the Dtoid feeds. Quite often I will only read an article because of who wrote it, and if the article seems something boring like “Jim Sterling found electrocuted from home made vagina”, I might skip it unless I see the super awesome Chad wrote it. I know I’ve missed a few articles which seemed uninteresting from the title, but once I found out who wrote the article it turned out to be really good.

2) Give staff accounts a special Dtoid logo. Although I’ve been around on the site for a while now and know who is who, I’m sure there are a lot of people who have no idea who Wardrox is. In fact I’m willing to bet nobody outside of his ever growing list of rape victims has any idea who he is. For this reason I suggest that next to their account logo and name, a little Dtoid logo or just the words “staff” would be handy. I'm sure sometimes a staff member posting "Suck my balls" might be funny to us but just seems like a troll to newer members. If it’s outside of the elephant blog software to do this, just change their username green. Well, except Wardrox, nobody cares about him.

3) Article images in RSS feed: Although this could be more of an issue to do with Bandwidth, how about inserting the story pictures in the RSS feeds as well?

4) Reply system in comments: Again this might be outside the blog software, but a reply/quote system in the comments section would be bloody amazing. It’s quite hard trying to have any discussion in the comments as it stands now.

5) New feature – Jims Monday rant. If lasagna cat has taught me one thing, it’s that nobody likes Mondays. A spite filled rant each Monday similar to what reverend Anthony does on Retroforce go could be a great way to kick off the week.


11:42 PM on 04.09.2008

GTA 4 gets censored in Australia >:(

Despite promises back in February that GTA IV would not be censored in Australia, Rockstar has now said that because of the lack of an R18+ rating that they have had to censor parts of the game. Just what has been censored? Who knows, they aren’t saying.

-Sydney Morning Herald
-Somebody think of the Children! - discussing censorship and moral panic in Australia (cool site I found while looking for information on this)

“A Rockstar spokesperson confirmed to Screen Play yesterday that the company had produced a special version of GTA IV to comply with the Australian classification system, which does not currently contain an R18+ rating, but declined to reveal what material had been cut.

The game has been rated R18+ by the British Board of Film Classification, New Zealand's OFLC and the German Unterhaltungssoftware Selbstkontrolle. It has been rated M17+ by the Entertainment Software Rating board in North America.”

This comes after Soldier of Fortune 2 was banned, Manhunt 2 being censored, Vice city being censored, GTA3 being banned but later allowed with censorship, Reservoir Dogs banned, 50 Cent: Bulletproof banned, Marc Ecko's Getting Up: Contents Under banned (because it features graffiti...yet Jet Set Radio was allowed..ok?). Of course these are just the recent ones.

God bless Australia and its ability to put its hands over its ears and go “LA LA LA LA” for more than 10 years. The result of this will naturally be everyone importing the game, hurting the local industry as a result. Bravo OFLC you pack of retard fucking monkeys, bravo.   read

8:43 AM on 03.25.2008

Stop spoiling games ASSHOLES!

I'm bored. I'm drunk. I just saw some drunk girl flash her boobs to be cool then trip ass over in front of a pub full of about 100 drunk fuckers who proceeded to laugh their ass off at her, only to have her friend run across the street to console her in a desperate attempt to not come up and yell at us.

But here’s the point: Stop spoiling the end of games and being elitist assholes.

Wardrox has done it. Jim Sterling has done it. Countless community members have done it. Suddenly its become the COOL thing to spoil the end of games, namely Bioshock.

There’s nothing worse than assholes who think shouting the endings to movies/games/books is the fucking greatest thing they can achieve in their life. Nothing gives them greater pleasure than affirming the fact that they have completed a game or book that other people have not by ruining the ending for them. It’s the greatest elitist high they can attain, and despite the fact they are ruining an amazing experience for someone just to increase the size of their knob, they couldn’t give a shit.

This is what is pissing me off about Dtoid lately, the current trend to shout the ending to Bioshock. Jim will say “Oh if they haven’t played it by now fuck ‘em” as if that justifies it completely (Jim you are awesome x 10000, but for the subject of this article you are a knob!). Community members will post the ending to it in news article for no reason. Wardrox went as far as to say “Spoilers for Call of duty 4 coming up…HA ***Bioshock ending**” followed be Jim laughing his ass off.

I get that you have all finished the game, but it pisses me off that the consensus seems to be that as soon as you have finished the game the ending is “old news” and anyone who has not finished the game by now “deserves to have it spoilt”. It’s nothing more than elitist shit, and if you really are a fan of video games you would let people enjoy it just as you did, and not actively punish them because they aren’t’ up with it as everyone else. There are a lot of people who, amazingly enough, have not played Bioshock yet. There are people who have not actually played EVERY GAME you have ever played. As bizarre as it seems, telling them the ending to the game is not what they want to hear halfway through an article on MGS4 disc size because they are a few months late to the Bioshock party.

“Oh but people spoil the ending to Harry Potter all the time” people will say. Funnily enough, the Podcastle crew went on to complain about how idiots get on teamspeak and ruin the ending to games, only after they had spoilt the ending to Bioshock TWO TIMES THEMSELVES with no warning (and one trick warning as stated above). Just because some people are retarded enough to shout the ending to Harry Potter doesn’t mean its perfectly okay to shout the ending to every game you have played.

Dtoid is a great community that loves gaming, but I’m only just playing Zelda: Majora’s mask now. Not everyone is on the cutting edge of games, and they don’t deserve to be punished for it, ESPECIALLY by the Dtoid staff who claim to love gaming so much. Its bullshit.

All I ask is that this whole “lets spoil the endings of games” thing start to tone down on Dtoid. I hope that the staff set a better example by not TRICKING people into hearing spoilers for fucks sake. Just because some dickhead shouts the ending to Harry Potter from a car isn’t a perfect justification for Dtoid to throw all respect off a cliff and start using the ending of Bioshock as some stupid internet meme.

Respect the gamers who respect you. If you love video games as much as you claim, you wouldn’t take so much joy in ruining the experience for others. Seriously, I felt awful as fuck when HarassmentPanda spoilt the ending of Bioshock for another Dtoid member halfway through a completely unrelated article. Is this the kind of activity the Dtoid staff wants to encourage?

And I expect at least one retard to find it the funniest thing in their miserable small lives to spoil the end to at least some game in the comments. Have fun dickead, I’m sure you will find it just as funny when someone spoils the end to a game you are playing.   read

10:00 AM on 02.24.2008

The most awesome video EVER: Metal Gear Awesome 2

[embed]71983:8421[/embed]   read

2:23 AM on 01.28.2008

Fuck you Jerry Holkins

I was going to post about this a while ago, but it’s only now that I’ve got tons of work to get done that I feel the need to procrastinate and write this up.

I was filled with throat gurgling bile when I read the other week the praise Jerry Holkins (Tycho) was receiving for his work on the Penny Arcade game. It’s driving me insane now because I can’t find the article, but someone was saying Jerry was up there with the top writers in the industry today along with people like Ron Gilbert because of his work on Penny Arcade. I wanted to take the people who said that and rape them within an inch of their lives because there is a simple fact:

Jerry Holkins is not Goddam funny.

That’s not to say Penny Arcade isn’t funny, because Mike Krahulik (Gabe) is one of the funniest bastards around. He’s fucking hilarious, and if you listen to any of the podcasts you will quickly realize that the only reason Jerry is even around is because he needs someone to update the front page news. Nearly every joke on the podcast goes something along the lines of this (these are just made up):

Mike: I bet she didn’t see that coming!
Jerry: Ha, yeah not at all. Like nothing. Like invisible! HAHAHAHA!
Mike: Yeah..yeah.

Mike: And the next thing you know a full box of them turns up
Jerry: Yeah like a mountain, a cacophony of them, endless amounts, HAHAHAA!
Mike: Yeah…yeah.

Mike: And this fucking alien comes bursting out!
Jerry: Yeah, go do THOSE taxes, bitch!
Mike: What?

I can count on two fingers the amount of funny jokes that Jerry has said that he actually came up with, the rest of the time the fat balding motherfucker just takes whatever funny line Mike just said, adds a few words to it then proceeds to repeat it while he drives it into the ground with more and more “no, no, how about--” statements until the only reason he stops is because Mike is just sitting there bored.

I even read this on Wikipedia:

“His style contrasts with that of Penny Arcade artist Mike Krahulik, with Holkins assuming the role of the lead and Krahulik the sidekick”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Holkins doesn’t do a Goddam thing! Every comic I’ve heard on the podcast, every fucking one of them Mike comes up with the joke, then Jerry changes a few words around and claims he’s a fucking genius. At times I’ve heard Mike come up with a funny ass comic (the Battlefield advertising comic for example) which was Goddam hilarious, then Jerry takes over and manages to ruin the entire fucking idea. It was painfull to listen as Mike and Scott (from PVP) joked around in the office and came out with one zinger after another when a few times they practicly had to tell Jerry to shut up when he started singing, doing stupid voices (which I think were supposed to be impressions...) or taking one joke he stole from them and repeating it 50 times over, leaving the room in silence directly after.

Fuck you Jerry Holkins. You are a leech, and if you no longer worked for Penny Arcade at worst Mike might have to find someone else to do front page updates while the quality of the jokes go through the roof. I can’t even begin to fathom how after being around so much humor for so many years YOU ARE STILL SO FUCKING UNFUNNY.

The worst part of it all is that with all the success of Penny Arcade, he probably really truly believes that he is part of it.


3:37 AM on 01.17.2008

Here's why Wii software is a giant turd

Over at IGN Matt Casamassina posted a blog update complaining about how third Party Wii games are selling like ass. He's right, so far apart from Rock band barely any third party game has sold more than 2 copies. Suda 51 recently scratched his head over why his psychopathic genre mash of a blood fucking orgy flopped in Japan, and now all the developers seem to sitting around saying "What's going on?".

Know what the problem is? Production value. Every third party Wii game is a budget effort. Where as some games on the 360 and PS3 are costing around $20 million up to $70 Goddam million (MGS4), I'd say most games on the Wii cost around $5 to $10 million. Gamers see that, weigh it up to the dollar value of purchasing it, and then just grab COD4 instead. I mean seriously, who the Christ is going to choose Medal of Honor over COD4? Who is going to choose Rayman over Mass Effect? Who is going to choose Red Steel over Bioshock or MGS4? Now I realise that a lot of that budget it because it's top end hardware and the production costs are higher, but the Wii software is nothing even near the quality of what the PS2 had. Why?

Even great games like Z&W are low budget games. They are small games, testing the water games, and gamers don’t want that. We are on better hardware than the PS2, yet I've seen no game that gets anywhere near the titles that console had - what we have now is all the crappy filler that was between good PS2 games. Developers seemed to have a field day with the PS2, yet when it comes to the Wii nobody seems to know what to do.

When a game gets released on the Wii with a production value of $20 or $30 million gamers will know and they will respond. It will actually sit up there with God of war 2 or Shadow of the Colossus or Ico or Gran Turismo. But at the moment the only people making high production games are Nintendo. Is it any surprise that those are the only games selling then? Will we ever see third party games equal to the quality of PS2 games? Is the secret to making a better game on the Wii as complex as "put some fucking money into your project jackass"?   read

4:16 AM on 09.08.2007

Then and Now: A scientific analysis on why everyone needs to shut the fuck up

Then: The Xbox was the fat band playing new kid at school when it turned up years ago. It was ridiculed by PS2 owners for its massive size and weight, many a comparison being made between it and objects viewable from the moon.
Now: The PS3 is now the biggest console ever made. The PS3 is praised for being so huge, since it must hold ‘massive power’, it's puny case trying to contain it all in, like He-Man flexing in a lycra top.

Then: PSX consoles break all around the world. A faulty laser requires users to play the consoles on their sides or upside down, sometimes turning the console that direction too. The problem gets worse until you are considered lucky to have a working one left. PS2 consoles then break all around the world. The faulty laser is so common, a class action law suit is filed against Sony.
Now: The Xbox360 has problems with overheating, 360 is ridiculed to death.

Then: The PS2 is the weakest console on the market. Xbox and Gamecube owners scoff at ports of PS2 games like Splinter Cell and RE4 as they have to be downgraded to run properly. PS2 owners do not care, because having more power does not make good games.
Now: The PS3 is the most powerful console on the market. Xbox and Wii owners scoff at the PS3 and claim having more power does not make good games.

Then: The PS2 is the cheapest console on the market. PS2 owners point and laugh at the Xbox for its enormous price tag, laughing behind its back and wondering why anyone would pay that much for a console.
Now: The PS3 costs more than launching a shuttle into space.

Then: Xbox owners pass notes in class giggling about how the PS2 does not have a hard drive, remarking how it’s the standard now for all things cool and hip.
Now: Microsoft launches a hard drive free SKU while the PS3 adopts it as standard. Developers bitch about not knowing which people will own a hard drive or not and that it is causing problems.

After running all the data through a computing number machine, scientists discovered the following: "Everyone needs to shut the fuck up unless you want to look like a fool next generation". They did tests and things.   read

10:54 AM on 09.04.2007

So let me see if I've got this right...

The best game on the PS3 at the moment, WarHawk, does not need Blu-ray.
The best game coming out on the Wii, Super Smash Bros. does not need a Wiimote.
The best game on the 360 at the moment, Bioshock, does not have any multiplayer.

What's the world coming too? All 3 consoles seem to be just as fucked up as each other 0_o   read

3:33 AM on 08.30.2007

Nintendo games are worse now than when on the NES, and here's why

Jack Thompson was right; sometimes games really do make me want to stab someone in the eye with a rusty titanium knife gun.

Here we are, in 2007, and games are still hocking up the most repetitive game design element known to man, so much so that were using the same Goddam designs from the NES era with hardly one iota of new innovation. With all the new adventure games coming out soon (mostly on the Wii), a tired old withered up game design element drags itself out once again...

I'm talking of course about enviroment designs.

Back in ye’ olden days of the NES, when people bought games in 10ft boxes and had to assemble them when they got home with a screwdriver that never came in the box (and if you didn’t follow the instructions exactly, BAM, you’d end up with a Goddam BIKE for Christmas morning instead), a fresh new take on video games was appearing. Mario grabbed gamers by the hair and dragged them through exciting worlds. Over the Mario games to come, players would visit such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

And for a time, things were good. Then Super Mario 3 came out and before we could even pick our shattered testicals off the ground from the last awe inspiring games, SM3 was one again stealing all our time, visiting such exciting worlds as:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The years progressed, and soon every game from Nintendo from “Mario 64” to “Zelda: Majoras Mask” to every Donkey Kong Country game all featured the same worlds. Over and Over. But where as before the new features like sliding on Ice, melting ice, freezing lava, jumping out of quicksand by mashing the jump button and so on had drawn us in before, now there were no new ones to tie us over at all; we were just shelling out money for the same old puzzles in the same worlds over and over again. If videogames were stripjoints, we’d make people so sick of naked women, vaginas would be illegal.

That’s why I was impressed to get the new “Zelda: Twiglight Princess” game. A refreshing change! When I visited the ice world, I got to melt ice and slide around, and I got to go the jungle world, and the desert world was pretty fun…hang on a second, ITS ALL THE SAME GODDAM SHIT AGAIN.

But I am not angry. Nintendo has more tricks up its sleeve than just those few words. Mario Galaxy for example! Its set in outer-fucking-space! Finally, some new environments, OH THANK YOU JESUS! No more melting ice and freezing lava. I get to visit planets like the lava planet, the jungle planet, the ice planet….oh crap, its all the same stuff again isnt it?

But fear not! Third parties will save us! Surely they will break the mold where Nintendo is just trotting out the same old shit? Zack and Wiki – its about pirates who use flying ships - It's like a dream come true! What worlds do they have in store for us? So lets see, there is the Lava caves where you need to freeze lava (with an item you get from the ice world I bet!), the ice world where you melt ice, a jungle world, a ghost world, a desert world...ok, it’s the same 6 worlds again being used again with the same old puzzles.

What about Dewey's adventures? Goddam, its about droplets of water that ride clouds and change seasons. Please, OH PLEASE, you have to have something different right? YOU RIDE CLOUDS! To quote the video review “Visit exciting worlds like the Lava world where you freeze lava”. I’m not kidding...To continue, “visit the ice world where you need to be careful not to slide off the edge, a jungle world, a desert word” Ill save you the hassle of reading the rest by giving you a spoiler that the same 6 worlds with the same old puzzles are being trotted out again.

I’m bloody sick of it. Are these the only locations developers can think up? Are these the only puzzles they can come up with? I’m going to predict the future, right here, right now. Prepare to be amazed! Ready? Mario Galaxy 2 will feature:

Lava world
Ice World
Ghost World
Jungle World
Desert World
Water World

The next Zelda game will have these same 6 locations. Metroid and the Metroid Primes continue to pump these same levels out, where I had to – get ready for it – FREEZE LAVA! Wow! How do they come up with this shit?

It’s seriously hard to get excited for a game which has the same 6 worlds all over again, because its just hard to get excited about doing the same lava freezing, quick sand jumping, ice melting, vine swinging shit you’ve been doing since the Nes. Enough already. Really.   read

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