Fuck you Jerry Holkins - Destructoid

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2:23 AM on 01.28.2008

I was going to post about this a while ago, but itís only now that Iíve got tons of work to get done that I feel the need to procrastinate and write this up.

I was filled with throat gurgling bile when I read the other week the praise Jerry Holkins (Tycho) was receiving for his work on the Penny Arcade game. Itís driving me insane now because I canít find the article, but someone was saying Jerry was up there with the top writers in the industry today along with people like Ron Gilbert because of his work on Penny Arcade. I wanted to take the people who said that and rape them within an inch of their lives because there is a simple fact:

Jerry Holkins is not Goddam funny.

Thatís not to say Penny Arcade isnít funny, because Mike Krahulik (Gabe) is one of the funniest bastards around. Heís fucking hilarious, and if you listen to any of the podcasts you will quickly realize that the only reason Jerry is even around is because he needs someone to update the front page news. Nearly every joke on the podcast goes something along the lines of this (these are just made up):

Mike: I bet she didnít see that coming!
Jerry: Ha, yeah not at all. Like nothing. Like invisible! HAHAHAHA!
Mike: Yeah..yeah.

Mike: And the next thing you know a full box of them turns up
Jerry: Yeah like a mountain, a cacophony of them, endless amounts, HAHAHAA!
Mike: YeahÖyeah.

Mike: And this fucking alien comes bursting out!
Jerry: Yeah, go do THOSE taxes, bitch!
Mike: What?

I can count on two fingers the amount of funny jokes that Jerry has said that he actually came up with, the rest of the time the fat balding motherfucker just takes whatever funny line Mike just said, adds a few words to it then proceeds to repeat it while he drives it into the ground with more and more ďno, no, how about--Ē statements until the only reason he stops is because Mike is just sitting there bored.

I even read this on Wikipedia:

ďHis style contrasts with that of Penny Arcade artist Mike Krahulik, with Holkins assuming the role of the lead and Krahulik the sidekickĒ

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Holkins doesnít do a Goddam thing! Every comic Iíve heard on the podcast, every fucking one of them Mike comes up with the joke, then Jerry changes a few words around and claims heís a fucking genius. At times Iíve heard Mike come up with a funny ass comic (the Battlefield advertising comic for example) which was Goddam hilarious, then Jerry takes over and manages to ruin the entire fucking idea. It was painfull to listen as Mike and Scott (from PVP) joked around in the office and came out with one zinger after another when a few times they practicly had to tell Jerry to shut up when he started singing, doing stupid voices (which I think were supposed to be impressions...) or taking one joke he stole from them and repeating it 50 times over, leaving the room in silence directly after.

Fuck you Jerry Holkins. You are a leech, and if you no longer worked for Penny Arcade at worst Mike might have to find someone else to do front page updates while the quality of the jokes go through the roof. I canít even begin to fathom how after being around so much humor for so many years YOU ARE STILL SO FUCKING UNFUNNY.

The worst part of it all is that with all the success of Penny Arcade, he probably really truly believes that he is part of it.

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