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11:38 AM on 04.30.2008

Time for honesty. When I first signed up for an account on Dtoid, I did it for one purpose – To be a dick. On every website I go to I try to be a nice, calm collected person, and my goal with Dtoid was to create an account that I could swear and insult and be an outlet for the hate bubbling inside.

It seemed like a great idea at first, then something happened; I actually started to feel guilty. The more I got to know people here, the less fun posting “FUCK COCK” was and the more of a complete knob I just seemed like. This all came to a head after Jim and Nick and a bunch of people left some really nice comments in my 5 suggestions to improve Dtoid, I couldn’t bring myself to act like a complete fuck bucket today in the comments. I felt bad. Goddamit.

So, to hopefully start a new leaf I’m changing my avatar, cutting down on the flamey posts and actually post some decent blog updates every once in a while (not including this one) . This is my attempt to actually act like some kind of half decent member, well, as decent as you can act on Dtoid anyway. Cocks.

I blame all this happy and cheery crap on Chad. I think his super happy blogs are warping my mind.

Let’s face it, I’m awesome. You know it, I know it, and your mum knows it 3 times a week. To top it off I’m bloody smart to boot, and just as luck would have it I’ve decided to share some of my intellect around. What follows are 2 suggestions I would really love to see implemented, 3 wish list items I would like to see but may not be possible, and a picture of a frog with a snail on his head.

1) Put article author names in the Dtoid feeds. Quite often I will only read an article because of who wrote it, and if the article seems something boring like “Jim Sterling found electrocuted from home made vagina”, I might skip it unless I see the super awesome Chad wrote it. I know I’ve missed a few articles which seemed uninteresting from the title, but once I found out who wrote the article it turned out to be really good.

2) Give staff accounts a special Dtoid logo. Although I’ve been around on the site for a while now and know who is who, I’m sure there are a lot of people who have no idea who Wardrox is. In fact I’m willing to bet nobody outside of his ever growing list of rape victims has any idea who he is. For this reason I suggest that next to their account logo and name, a little Dtoid logo or just the words “staff” would be handy. I'm sure sometimes a staff member posting "Suck my balls" might be funny to us but just seems like a troll to newer members. If it’s outside of the elephant blog software to do this, just change their username green. Well, except Wardrox, nobody cares about him.

3) Article images in RSS feed: Although this could be more of an issue to do with Bandwidth, how about inserting the story pictures in the RSS feeds as well?

4) Reply system in comments: Again this might be outside the blog software, but a reply/quote system in the comments section would be bloody amazing. It’s quite hard trying to have any discussion in the comments as it stands now.

5) New feature – Jims Monday rant. If lasagna cat has taught me one thing, it’s that nobody likes Mondays. A spite filled rant each Monday similar to what reverend Anthony does on Retroforce go could be a great way to kick off the week.

Despite promises back in February that GTA IV would not be censored in Australia, Rockstar has now said that because of the lack of an R18+ rating that they have had to censor parts of the game. Just what has been censored? Who knows, they aren’t saying.

-Sydney Morning Herald
-Somebody think of the Children! - discussing censorship and moral panic in Australia (cool site I found while looking for information on this)

“A Rockstar spokesperson confirmed to Screen Play yesterday that the company had produced a special version of GTA IV to comply with the Australian classification system, which does not currently contain an R18+ rating, but declined to reveal what material had been cut.

The game has been rated R18+ by the British Board of Film Classification, New Zealand's OFLC and the German Unterhaltungssoftware Selbstkontrolle. It has been rated M17+ by the Entertainment Software Rating board in North America.”

This comes after Soldier of Fortune 2 was banned, Manhunt 2 being censored, Vice city being censored, GTA3 being banned but later allowed with censorship, Reservoir Dogs banned, 50 Cent: Bulletproof banned, Marc Ecko's Getting Up: Contents Under banned (because it features graffiti...yet Jet Set Radio was allowed..ok?). Of course these are just the recent ones.

God bless Australia and its ability to put its hands over its ears and go “LA LA LA LA” for more than 10 years. The result of this will naturally be everyone importing the game, hurting the local industry as a result. Bravo OFLC you pack of retard fucking monkeys, bravo.

I'm bored. I'm drunk. I just saw some drunk girl flash her boobs to be cool then trip ass over in front of a pub full of about 100 drunk fuckers who proceeded to laugh their ass off at her, only to have her friend run across the street to console her in a desperate attempt to not come up and yell at us.

But here’s the point: Stop spoiling the end of games and being elitist assholes.

Wardrox has done it. Jim Sterling has done it. Countless community members have done it. Suddenly its become the COOL thing to spoil the end of games, namely Bioshock.

There’s nothing worse than assholes who think shouting the endings to movies/games/books is the fucking greatest thing they can achieve in their life. Nothing gives them greater pleasure than affirming the fact that they have completed a game or book that other people have not by ruining the ending for them. It’s the greatest elitist high they can attain, and despite the fact they are ruining an amazing experience for someone just to increase the size of their knob, they couldn’t give a shit.

This is what is pissing me off about Dtoid lately, the current trend to shout the ending to Bioshock. Jim will say “Oh if they haven’t played it by now fuck ‘em” as if that justifies it completely (Jim you are awesome x 10000, but for the subject of this article you are a knob!). Community members will post the ending to it in news article for no reason. Wardrox went as far as to say “Spoilers for Call of duty 4 coming up…HA ***Bioshock ending**” followed be Jim laughing his ass off.

I get that you have all finished the game, but it pisses me off that the consensus seems to be that as soon as you have finished the game the ending is “old news” and anyone who has not finished the game by now “deserves to have it spoilt”. It’s nothing more than elitist shit, and if you really are a fan of video games you would let people enjoy it just as you did, and not actively punish them because they aren’t’ up with it as everyone else. There are a lot of people who, amazingly enough, have not played Bioshock yet. There are people who have not actually played EVERY GAME you have ever played. As bizarre as it seems, telling them the ending to the game is not what they want to hear halfway through an article on MGS4 disc size because they are a few months late to the Bioshock party.

“Oh but people spoil the ending to Harry Potter all the time” people will say. Funnily enough, the Podcastle crew went on to complain about how idiots get on teamspeak and ruin the ending to games, only after they had spoilt the ending to Bioshock TWO TIMES THEMSELVES with no warning (and one trick warning as stated above). Just because some people are retarded enough to shout the ending to Harry Potter doesn’t mean its perfectly okay to shout the ending to every game you have played.

Dtoid is a great community that loves gaming, but I’m only just playing Zelda: Majora’s mask now. Not everyone is on the cutting edge of games, and they don’t deserve to be punished for it, ESPECIALLY by the Dtoid staff who claim to love gaming so much. Its bullshit.

All I ask is that this whole “lets spoil the endings of games” thing start to tone down on Dtoid. I hope that the staff set a better example by not TRICKING people into hearing spoilers for fucks sake. Just because some dickhead shouts the ending to Harry Potter from a car isn’t a perfect justification for Dtoid to throw all respect off a cliff and start using the ending of Bioshock as some stupid internet meme.

Respect the gamers who respect you. If you love video games as much as you claim, you wouldn’t take so much joy in ruining the experience for others. Seriously, I felt awful as fuck when HarassmentPanda spoilt the ending of Bioshock for another Dtoid member halfway through a completely unrelated article. Is this the kind of activity the Dtoid staff wants to encourage?

And I expect at least one retard to find it the funniest thing in their miserable small lives to spoil the end to at least some game in the comments. Have fun dickead, I’m sure you will find it just as funny when someone spoils the end to a game you are playing.

2:23 AM on 01.28.2008

I was going to post about this a while ago, but it’s only now that I’ve got tons of work to get done that I feel the need to procrastinate and write this up.

I was filled with throat gurgling bile when I read the other week the praise Jerry Holkins (Tycho) was receiving for his work on the Penny Arcade game. It’s driving me insane now because I can’t find the article, but someone was saying Jerry was up there with the top writers in the industry today along with people like Ron Gilbert because of his work on Penny Arcade. I wanted to take the people who said that and rape them within an inch of their lives because there is a simple fact:

Jerry Holkins is not Goddam funny.

That’s not to say Penny Arcade isn’t funny, because Mike Krahulik (Gabe) is one of the funniest bastards around. He’s fucking hilarious, and if you listen to any of the podcasts you will quickly realize that the only reason Jerry is even around is because he needs someone to update the front page news. Nearly every joke on the podcast goes something along the lines of this (these are just made up):

Mike: I bet she didn’t see that coming!
Jerry: Ha, yeah not at all. Like nothing. Like invisible! HAHAHAHA!
Mike: Yeah..yeah.

Mike: And the next thing you know a full box of them turns up
Jerry: Yeah like a mountain, a cacophony of them, endless amounts, HAHAHAA!
Mike: Yeah…yeah.

Mike: And this fucking alien comes bursting out!
Jerry: Yeah, go do THOSE taxes, bitch!
Mike: What?

I can count on two fingers the amount of funny jokes that Jerry has said that he actually came up with, the rest of the time the fat balding motherfucker just takes whatever funny line Mike just said, adds a few words to it then proceeds to repeat it while he drives it into the ground with more and more “no, no, how about--” statements until the only reason he stops is because Mike is just sitting there bored.

I even read this on Wikipedia:

“His style contrasts with that of Penny Arcade artist Mike Krahulik, with Holkins assuming the role of the lead and Krahulik the sidekick”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Holkins doesn’t do a Goddam thing! Every comic I’ve heard on the podcast, every fucking one of them Mike comes up with the joke, then Jerry changes a few words around and claims he’s a fucking genius. At times I’ve heard Mike come up with a funny ass comic (the Battlefield advertising comic for example) which was Goddam hilarious, then Jerry takes over and manages to ruin the entire fucking idea. It was painfull to listen as Mike and Scott (from PVP) joked around in the office and came out with one zinger after another when a few times they practicly had to tell Jerry to shut up when he started singing, doing stupid voices (which I think were supposed to be impressions...) or taking one joke he stole from them and repeating it 50 times over, leaving the room in silence directly after.

Fuck you Jerry Holkins. You are a leech, and if you no longer worked for Penny Arcade at worst Mike might have to find someone else to do front page updates while the quality of the jokes go through the roof. I can’t even begin to fathom how after being around so much humor for so many years YOU ARE STILL SO FUCKING UNFUNNY.

The worst part of it all is that with all the success of Penny Arcade, he probably really truly believes that he is part of it.