Y’know, there’s lots of good things about being a video gamer. Whether you’re wanting an action-packed shmup, a beautifully woven narrative, something artsy-fartsy, or just some mindless fun, you’re pretty well catered for. But there’s something bigger than all that, something we all know in our hearts and our minds, the one TRUE reason we got into this gaming business: pwning noobs. Everyone in their history of gaming as pwned a noob at one point in their life, and don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it, because if you didn’t, YOU’RE A BIG FAT LIER. To take an unsuspecting foe and slaughtering him in the most brutal and satisfying way possible is the bread and butter of the online video game community, and, in this day and age, there are bazillions of ways to do it.
Don’t misunderstand me though, this isn’t Griefing 101. We were all noobs once, and we have all been pwned many, MANY times (and, in my case, many more times than that). But it was one step on a greater path – the noobs of yesterday have become the l33ts of today, and new generations of noobs flock through the internet every two seconds. To paraphrase some wise man: “A journey of a thousand miles starts with HARD PWNAGE” and we must take the torch as the l33ts of today, and start these young noobs on their journey throughout video games. We’re hurting them to help them, and in the trail of our destruction and early onset arthritis, they will take the torch to teach the noobs of the future how to not suck. It really is a beautiful circle of video gaming life.
So, I present to you today the best ways in gaming to kill, nay, DESTROY your opponent on the fields of battle, while at the same time giving yourself the humongous e-peen required to keep you happy. And we’ll start with something nice and simple:
The One-Shot Kill
Every FPS game ever
This might seem simple and ordinary to the average video-gamer, but it means so much more than you might know. Whatever your poison - a bullet to the head, a shotgun to the chest or a rocket to the face – you’re delivering an important message to your opponents: there’s no fucking around here. You’ve got a lot of noobs to kill, so there’s no point wasting time with the firing of a second shot. This is one move you’ll have to you’ll master to become a legend in the art of noob-killing – its quick, simple, and applies to almost any shooter you could think of.
The Chainsaw Bayonet
Gears of War
Of course, we all know that, in an FPS, melee kills are perhaps the best way to thoroughly embarrass your adversary. They’ve got a gun, and you survived to knife them in the face? Lol, l2p. This is the first in a series of such kills in shumps that I’d like to talk about now, and it’s certainly one of the most visually impressive, gory, and above all, satisfying ways to kill your noobish rival – revving up your chainsaw bayonet in Gears of War, leisurely walking up to your enemy, and casually separating his top and bottom half in a matter of seconds. Alternatively, come in from behind and extend his arsehole to the top of his spine. Both ways have the “melee kill” embarrassment factor, but the fact that your noob victim has to watch his beloved character be reduced to a stain on the floor will just ram the message home: you, sir, just got pwned. UP THE ASS.
The Gravity Hammer
The second of the melee kills in this list was quite a tough decision on my part. Should I opt for the sleek slash and dash of Halo’s infamous Energy Sword, or the gutsy slam of the mighty Gravity Hammer? The Gravity Hammer wins of course. Not only does it often send your poor victim flying straight off the stage for them to suffer an unbearable fall, it…well…it’s a giant hammer that shoots gravity, what the fuck more do you need to pwn noobs? Also, the Grammer is very loud, which will send a message to any other noobs in the area: “I’m in ur video gamez, pwning ur faces.”
Team Fortress 2
Now, about six months ago, this would’ve never made the list, since I thought all TF2 Spies were cheap scumbags who were so over-powered and OMG IMBALANCE WTF!!! Basically, I played mostly Sniper and they owned me to the point of self-harm (I totally stubbed my toe when I kicked my desk). But since then, I’ve branched out to the other classes and, well, I certainly see why so many people play Spy these days. This kill is certainly the most thrilling for the killer in this list – disguise as an enemy, cloak and hide behind enemy lines, blend in with the enemy team, then slam a knife right into one of their unsuspecting backs. It has the basic “I killed you with melee lololol” feel, but since you had the power to turn invisible the pwnage on the player seems a bit…un-earned. But this move has power on a psychological level. If you have chance to cloak and escape into hiding after your successful stab, you’ll give the enemy something far stronger than bullets – you’ll give them THE FEAR. Now that they know a Spy’s on the loose, they’ll drop everything to find him, shooting the empty air and their own allies in an attempt to find his location. Bonus points: tell them they’re “getting warmer” in the game chat.
The Pounce Denial
Left 4 Dead
Perhaps a lesser known method of pwnage, and probably also one of the trickiest to master. Hunters, playable in the versus mode of popular zombie-fest Left 4 Dead, are fast little bastards with the ability to pounce from high building, pin their opponent, and proceed to rip the ever loving shit out of them. Of course, you can’t be having that can you? You can’t have the Hunter be ripping you to shit, can you? It’s just plain RUDE is what it is. So, the best way to show the noob who’s boss is to make sure he doesn’t survive past the pounce. You can do this in two ways – 1) Shoot him clean out of the air mid pounce with your gun (using shotguns can add a One Shot Kill to the mix too), or 2) Use your shove ability to swat him away when he gets within your melee range, then give him a face full of lead, or, alternatively, keep kicking the shit out of him with melee attacks. The two outcomes: a dead hunter corpse face planting the curb, or a split second of a the hunter looking right into your eyes, knowing that he is, most certainly, screwed. Both good ways to teach the noobs about the chain of command.
The Predator Missile
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Ever see some crappy snot-nosed brat burning ants with a magnifying glass? It’s not very nice is it? But there is one difference between ants and noobs – noobs get to respawn. So it’s a bit less mean. So, we can focus as much light on noobs as we want, as long as by “magnifying glass” you mean “big-ass plane”, and as long as by “light” you mean “big-ass missile”. After acquiring a kill-streak of 5 in any type of match, you will get control of the deadly Predator missile, which you control from launch to boom as it hurtles towards ground. Even better, all the noobs are highlighted with a red box – something I refer to as the “Noob Cube”. Death is swift and very satisfying for the killer, especially when he can watch the explosion from half a mile away on a comfortable beach with many prostitutes. Or something.
The Chip Damage Kill
Street Fighter IV
I didn’t want to include purely shooters in this list, so here’s a lovely alternative way to put the beat down on the nooby noob noobs. ‘Chip Damage’, in SFIV terms, is the slight amount of damage a fighter takes if he blocks an opponent’s attack. A chip damage kill is exactly what you’d expect – a time where that slight bit of damage that ends up putting your rival on the canvas and makes you the victor. And to the victor go the spoils, mainly the spoils of yelling ‘You can try and block, but it won’t stop me because I’M TOTALLY AWESOME LIKE THAT!!!!’. Bonus points come from achieving this kill from a Super/Ultra Combo, so your nooby counterpart can see his character get beaten down to a fine powder without any way to stop it. One lesson is ultimately learned: blocking is for pussies.
The Fickle Companion
Of course, just because a game is single-player doesn’t mean you have to give up the chance for some noob pwning. Recommend one of your gamer friends indie platforming game Braid (preferably one of the noobier of your friends) and have him/her play through it. Wait as long as it takes until you get a phone call – he will undoubtedly ask you to help him with the solution to the Fickle Companion level, a level so fiendish and evil that the Devil himself still chokes his speed-runs because of it. The clever bit comes thus: you’ll tell him the solution, he’ll go “OMG IT WAS SO SIMPLE” and you retort with “YES IT WAS SIMPLE YOU DAMN NOOB!” Not only did you pwn his face…you pwned his MIND.
The Finger Gun
Team Fortress 2…again
We come back to Team Fortress, but for a damn good reason, as this is probably the most fun and humiliating ways to destroy a noob there has ever been, and probably that there ever will be. To start, join a game, play as the Heavy class, equip your…er…fists, and press the G button. You will see the Heavy make the ‘finger gun’ gesture and say ‘POW!’. And it’s all very funny because lolololol it’s not really a gun is it? You’re wrong. Try doing the taunt in front of an enemy now. If all goes well, you’ll notice that the enemy is now dead. Its that simple. Well, I say it’s that simple, it’ll probably be quite a while before you pull it off, but when you do…sweet Lincoln’s beard, you’ll feel like a god among men. You destroyed your opponent, unarmed, firing an IMAGINARY GUN. It’s a profound state of consciousness indeed, and it makes me saddened to think what some of the great thinkers of yesteryear are missing at this moment. One thing is for certain though, you killed your opponent with no guns, no knives, no weapons at all – you killed the noob with only your thumb and your index finger, and if that isn’t the most embarrassing and humiliating way to pwn a noob, then I’ll eat my low quality concrete walls. Master this move, and you will be the PWN-AGEDDON.
So, that about wraps it up. Read this article, re-read it, study every sentence, every word, every syllable, every letter, and then go out onto the internet, and teach the noobs of today what’s what. And be proud – this salvation through destruction will allow these noobs to join the l33ts, and maybe teach a few noobs for themselves.
Good night, and god bless.
Miles Pilkington does certainly not make a habit of pwning noobs, but it just kinda…happens. Unless he’s writing self-indulgent articles like this, he generally doesn’t make too much of it.