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1:29 PM on 04.05.2012

A Trio Of Videos from Milo!

Since the CBlogs have been void of YouTube embedding for a while, I decided to post blogs for every three videos I do, just to make sure there's actually some beef to my post. Also, pictures! Pictures are cool, right?

Firstly, I review the new SSX, which is very, very cool. HA, cool. It's funny because snowboarding.

Next, I express my...distaste at a certain segment of the new Star Wars game, and paint a grim future for mankind.

And last but not least, a mini-review of an underrated gem of a racer, Blur, which is (until 4pm today) 75% off on Steam, and you should definitely give it a whirl.

And then I potter around on my keyboard for a bit, trying to fill up space. So, yeah, crazy weather we're having around here.


3:29 PM on 02.29.2012

Mass Effect 3: Let's All Get Angry

Since my plan is to try and pump out one video a day, you'll probably be seeing a lot of these posts. Which will be slightly gimped by the inability to embed, but since my last video seemed to get most of its hits from me posting here, Imma gonna do it anyways.

So yeah, here's a video where I talk about Mass Effect 3 and the SCANDAL of the DLC, as well as talking a bit about its leaked ending. Avast, there be spoilers.

See you tomorrow :D   read

12:31 PM on 02.28.2012

Dear Esther Was Bad: The Movie

Well, I totally forgot video embedding was broken, but hey, I'm here now, so I might as well post this:

Here is me explaining why I thought Dear Esther was crap, why games shouldn't be like it, and why fun is fun because its fun.

(If the embed has now been fixed then please tell me and I'll edit this right up. But I swear I was able to embed before)   read

12:06 PM on 01.02.2012

LUGScast Episode 1 - J.K. Simmons

Me and a few friends from university did a PODCAST which you will LISTEN TO and ABSORB INTO YOUR PUNY HUMAN BRAINS. Or, not, whatever. Your choice.

In this edition of LUGScast, we talk about fake boobs on James, Ray's love of domestic abuse, a train simulator worth one thousand pounds, whether Milo is a Sonic fanboy or not (jury's still out, apparently), Nick admitting his man-crush on Stephen Merchant, and troll-ception. Also we talk about some video games.

Direct download -

Sorry that this blog post looks super un-interesting, but I didn't know you couldn't embed YT vids. Maybe next time :D   read

10:45 AM on 07.22.2010

My Entry to the Dtoid Internship


Here's me ranting on about FFXIII. Just putting it here to get some quick feedback. Sorry it's a bit long, but I got into my stride.

I was also told I sound a bit Sterling-esque in the video, but I'm not as fat as him so that makes us totally different.   read

11:52 AM on 05.11.2010

How to Pwn Noobs: The best and most satisfying ways to score a kill

Y’know, there’s lots of good things about being a video gamer. Whether you’re wanting an action-packed shmup, a beautifully woven narrative, something artsy-fartsy, or just some mindless fun, you’re pretty well catered for. But there’s something bigger than all that, something we all know in our hearts and our minds, the one TRUE reason we got into this gaming business: pwning noobs. Everyone in their history of gaming as pwned a noob at one point in their life, and don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy it, because if you didn’t, YOU’RE A BIG FAT LIER. To take an unsuspecting foe and slaughtering him in the most brutal and satisfying way possible is the bread and butter of the online video game community, and, in this day and age, there are bazillions of ways to do it.

Don’t misunderstand me though, this isn’t Griefing 101. We were all noobs once, and we have all been pwned many, MANY times (and, in my case, many more times than that). But it was one step on a greater path – the noobs of yesterday have become the l33ts of today, and new generations of noobs flock through the internet every two seconds. To paraphrase some wise man: “A journey of a thousand miles starts with HARD PWNAGE” and we must take the torch as the l33ts of today, and start these young noobs on their journey throughout video games. We’re hurting them to help them, and in the trail of our destruction and early onset arthritis, they will take the torch to teach the noobs of the future how to not suck. It really is a beautiful circle of video gaming life.

So, I present to you today the best ways in gaming to kill, nay, DESTROY your opponent on the fields of battle, while at the same time giving yourself the humongous e-peen required to keep you happy. And we’ll start with something nice and simple:

The One-Shot Kill
Every FPS game ever

This might seem simple and ordinary to the average video-gamer, but it means so much more than you might know. Whatever your poison - a bullet to the head, a shotgun to the chest or a rocket to the face – you’re delivering an important message to your opponents: there’s no fucking around here. You’ve got a lot of noobs to kill, so there’s no point wasting time with the firing of a second shot. This is one move you’ll have to you’ll master to become a legend in the art of noob-killing – its quick, simple, and applies to almost any shooter you could think of.

The Chainsaw Bayonet
Gears of War

Of course, we all know that, in an FPS, melee kills are perhaps the best way to thoroughly embarrass your adversary. They’ve got a gun, and you survived to knife them in the face? Lol, l2p. This is the first in a series of such kills in shumps that I’d like to talk about now, and it’s certainly one of the most visually impressive, gory, and above all, satisfying ways to kill your noobish rival – revving up your chainsaw bayonet in Gears of War, leisurely walking up to your enemy, and casually separating his top and bottom half in a matter of seconds. Alternatively, come in from behind and extend his arsehole to the top of his spine. Both ways have the “melee kill” embarrassment factor, but the fact that your noob victim has to watch his beloved character be reduced to a stain on the floor will just ram the message home: you, sir, just got pwned. UP THE ASS.

The Gravity Hammer
Halo 3

The second of the melee kills in this list was quite a tough decision on my part. Should I opt for the sleek slash and dash of Halo’s infamous Energy Sword, or the gutsy slam of the mighty Gravity Hammer? The Gravity Hammer wins of course. Not only does it often send your poor victim flying straight off the stage for them to suffer an unbearable fall, it…well…it’s a giant hammer that shoots gravity, what the fuck more do you need to pwn noobs? Also, the Grammer is very loud, which will send a message to any other noobs in the area: “I’m in ur video gamez, pwning ur faces.”

The Backstab
Team Fortress 2

Now, about six months ago, this would’ve never made the list, since I thought all TF2 Spies were cheap scumbags who were so over-powered and OMG IMBALANCE WTF!!! Basically, I played mostly Sniper and they owned me to the point of self-harm (I totally stubbed my toe when I kicked my desk). But since then, I’ve branched out to the other classes and, well, I certainly see why so many people play Spy these days. This kill is certainly the most thrilling for the killer in this list – disguise as an enemy, cloak and hide behind enemy lines, blend in with the enemy team, then slam a knife right into one of their unsuspecting backs. It has the basic “I killed you with melee lololol” feel, but since you had the power to turn invisible the pwnage on the player seems a bit…un-earned. But this move has power on a psychological level. If you have chance to cloak and escape into hiding after your successful stab, you’ll give the enemy something far stronger than bullets – you’ll give them THE FEAR. Now that they know a Spy’s on the loose, they’ll drop everything to find him, shooting the empty air and their own allies in an attempt to find his location. Bonus points: tell them they’re “getting warmer” in the game chat.

The Pounce Denial
Left 4 Dead

Perhaps a lesser known method of pwnage, and probably also one of the trickiest to master. Hunters, playable in the versus mode of popular zombie-fest Left 4 Dead, are fast little bastards with the ability to pounce from high building, pin their opponent, and proceed to rip the ever loving shit out of them. Of course, you can’t be having that can you? You can’t have the Hunter be ripping you to shit, can you? It’s just plain RUDE is what it is. So, the best way to show the noob who’s boss is to make sure he doesn’t survive past the pounce. You can do this in two ways – 1) Shoot him clean out of the air mid pounce with your gun (using shotguns can add a One Shot Kill to the mix too), or 2) Use your shove ability to swat him away when he gets within your melee range, then give him a face full of lead, or, alternatively, keep kicking the shit out of him with melee attacks. The two outcomes: a dead hunter corpse face planting the curb, or a split second of a the hunter looking right into your eyes, knowing that he is, most certainly, screwed. Both good ways to teach the noobs about the chain of command.

The Predator Missile
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

Ever see some crappy snot-nosed brat burning ants with a magnifying glass? It’s not very nice is it? But there is one difference between ants and noobs – noobs get to respawn. So it’s a bit less mean. So, we can focus as much light on noobs as we want, as long as by “magnifying glass” you mean “big-ass plane”, and as long as by “light” you mean “big-ass missile”. After acquiring a kill-streak of 5 in any type of match, you will get control of the deadly Predator missile, which you control from launch to boom as it hurtles towards ground. Even better, all the noobs are highlighted with a red box – something I refer to as the “Noob Cube”. Death is swift and very satisfying for the killer, especially when he can watch the explosion from half a mile away on a comfortable beach with many prostitutes. Or something.

The Chip Damage Kill
Street Fighter IV

I didn’t want to include purely shooters in this list, so here’s a lovely alternative way to put the beat down on the nooby noob noobs. ‘Chip Damage’, in SFIV terms, is the slight amount of damage a fighter takes if he blocks an opponent’s attack. A chip damage kill is exactly what you’d expect – a time where that slight bit of damage that ends up putting your rival on the canvas and makes you the victor. And to the victor go the spoils, mainly the spoils of yelling ‘You can try and block, but it won’t stop me because I’M TOTALLY AWESOME LIKE THAT!!!!’. Bonus points come from achieving this kill from a Super/Ultra Combo, so your nooby counterpart can see his character get beaten down to a fine powder without any way to stop it. One lesson is ultimately learned: blocking is for pussies.

The Fickle Companion

Of course, just because a game is single-player doesn’t mean you have to give up the chance for some noob pwning. Recommend one of your gamer friends indie platforming game Braid (preferably one of the noobier of your friends) and have him/her play through it. Wait as long as it takes until you get a phone call – he will undoubtedly ask you to help him with the solution to the Fickle Companion level, a level so fiendish and evil that the Devil himself still chokes his speed-runs because of it. The clever bit comes thus: you’ll tell him the solution, he’ll go “OMG IT WAS SO SIMPLE” and you retort with “YES IT WAS SIMPLE YOU DAMN NOOB!” Not only did you pwn his face…you pwned his MIND.

The Finger Gun
Team Fortress 2…again

We come back to Team Fortress, but for a damn good reason, as this is probably the most fun and humiliating ways to destroy a noob there has ever been, and probably that there ever will be. To start, join a game, play as the Heavy class, equip your…er…fists, and press the G button. You will see the Heavy make the ‘finger gun’ gesture and say ‘POW!’. And it’s all very funny because lolololol it’s not really a gun is it? You’re wrong. Try doing the taunt in front of an enemy now. If all goes well, you’ll notice that the enemy is now dead. Its that simple. Well, I say it’s that simple, it’ll probably be quite a while before you pull it off, but when you do…sweet Lincoln’s beard, you’ll feel like a god among men. You destroyed your opponent, unarmed, firing an IMAGINARY GUN. It’s a profound state of consciousness indeed, and it makes me saddened to think what some of the great thinkers of yesteryear are missing at this moment. One thing is for certain though, you killed your opponent with no guns, no knives, no weapons at all – you killed the noob with only your thumb and your index finger, and if that isn’t the most embarrassing and humiliating way to pwn a noob, then I’ll eat my low quality concrete walls. Master this move, and you will be the PWN-AGEDDON.

So, that about wraps it up. Read this article, re-read it, study every sentence, every word, every syllable, every letter, and then go out onto the internet, and teach the noobs of today what’s what. And be proud – this salvation through destruction will allow these noobs to join the l33ts, and maybe teach a few noobs for themselves.

Good night, and god bless.

Miles Pilkington does certainly not make a habit of pwning noobs, but it just kinda…happens. Unless he’s writing self-indulgent articles like this, he generally doesn’t make too much of it.   read

12:13 PM on 04.28.2010

Boatz got his gaming crap back at Easter, part 1: Mass Effect 2

[WARNING: This article is packed full of yummy Mass Effect 2 spoilers, which, while high in fiber, will ruin your enjoyment of the game if you have foolishly not played it yet. Now eat your broccoli.]

So, I returned to university a few weeks ago, after having a very leisurely Easter break at home. It was, in fact, exceptionally leisurely, since my house contained an Xbox, a DS, and a fuck-tonne of cheap (but in no way pirated at all, honest), shiny, lovely current-gen games to work through. The crushing reality of me being back at campus, videogame-less, (crappy laptop that can hardly play Team Fortress at lowest setting notwithstanding) is just starting to hit home, but I figured I’d look back on that beautiful 3 weeks of lethargy by writing some crap about some games. One game literally blew my cock off, one of them was such a disappointment that my cock jumped firmly back into place, and two others made my cock slightly indifferent. This week, we’ll look at the penis-explodingly good example, which is Bioware’s Mass Effect 2.

Now, Mass Effect 2 was a game I was hideously looking forward too. The original installment would quite happily sit in the list of my favourite games this generation – sure, the combat was a bit repetitive towards the end, and it was very conversation-heavy at best and mind-numbingly boring at worst, but what cemented Mass Effect 1 as an awesome game for me was the brilliant new universe that Bioware had created. The beautiful environments, all the different alien races, and an optional expanded universe that you could lose Noah’s Ark in. It was a shining example of what most developers at the time were not doing – a new, imaginative IP in the midst of Sequel Town, USA.

This is what had me slightly worried about Mass Effect 2. Sure, I was excited to be able to jump into this universe again, but the fact that it wouldn’t be as new and exciting as in Mass Effect 1 gave me the feeling that Mr. Dodgy Combat and Mrs. Boring McChatty might just irritate me more than the story pleased me. Luckily, that didn’t happen. It didn’t happen a LOT. Mr. Combat and Mrs. McChatty had long since moved out of the Citadel, leaving a space open for Mr. Awesome Character Development and Mrs…er…well, tortured metaphors aside, it’s a bloody brilliant piece of game pie.

So, we’re back with everyone’s favourite gruff human space-man Commander Shepard. He’s been told to clear out the last of the geth (the main baddies of the last installment) from the universe, and that’s what he’s doing. Then, about five minutes later, a big ol’ ship appears out of nowhere and dicks them over royally, destroying the ship, most of the crew, and killing Commander Shepard. But of course, Shepard is humanity’s golden boy, so they find his mangled body, take some high-quality science and rebuild him Six-Million-Dollar man style, just in time for him to take on another “biggest threat to humanity”. As far as the plot goes it seems quite obvious that BioWare seem to be just killing time until Mass Effect 3 – a brand new enemy is introduced at the start and all trace of them is destroyed by the end, almost like a sitcom having plot points resolved within one episode to keep the status quo for the next one to begin anew. I was disappointed that Shepard’s fight against the Reapers had been put on hold despite him swearing vengeance against them at the end of ME1. That’s not to say it’s not good, not at all, the script is one of the best examples of video-game writing I can think of, and to drive the gameplay the plot works just fine, but I would’ve liked to see a bigger part for the ongoing fight against the Reapers.

One thing that is exceptional in ME2, and has no close rivals for any other story driven game, is the character development. The main objective in the game is to recruit a space-warrior super all-star tag team to take the fight to the Collector’s base (that “biggest threat to humanity” I mentioned before) in what is thought to be a suicide mission for all concerned. Each member of your team has a recruitment mission, as well as a mission to gain their loyalty, usually some kind of personal favour or helping them exact vengeance on an old enemy. Each mission fleshes out the character beautifully, and if you combine that with the optional conversations (and love stories) you can have with them, you’ll end up with a main cast that feels like family. You’ll meet some old hands from ME1, but most of your team will be brand new, and all of them have different personalities and characters, from fast talking genius Mordin, rage-filled biotic powerhouse Jack, all the way to adolescent test-tube alien Grunt. Not every character is interesting, however. Jacob and Miranda (the two human team members) are kind of boring, but hey, in a world packed with different alien races, humans are boring, and not even good writing can change that fact. This immensely powerful bond with your team hits critical mass when you reach the aforementioned suicide mission, and, while I only ending up losing one member of my team, I can honestly say I was shitting bricks throughout the whole mission, hoping and praying that the majority of my team would survive the ordeal.

Another thing that should be mentioned is, if you carry on the story by loading up your old ME1 Shepard, your choices from the last game carry over to this one. While it’s a nice touch in making you a bit more immersed, the difference it makes to the overall plot is mostly superficial, generally only being acknowledged with a quick mention of something you did back in the old days by one of your teammates.

While the great storytelling is one thing I wanted to be carried over from ME1, the repetitive and clunky combat is something I wanted to be changed quite drastically. Luckily, it was. The action-RPG formula of ME1 has been given a bit more of a nudge towards the action side of things, with the gunplay essentially being a cover based shooter akin to Gears of War. Gunfights are action-packed, streamlined and memorable, with the varied environments and sharpened enemy AI ensuring that the old ME1 repetitiveness is kept firmly at bay. Plus, it’s a lovely feeling to shoot a robot’s head off with a satisfying clunk, for the robot to then explode and take out half of his robotic chums. The RPG side of the game is also simplified somewhat from ME2. Each of the 6 classes available has 4 abilities to their credit, all of which can be upgraded and powered up with skill points. Obviously, you gain skill points by leveling up, and you level up by gaining experience points, but, perhaps a bit less obviously, you now don’t receive XP for each successful kill, instead, only receiving XP for successful completion of missions, which could be recruiting a team member, killing a bunch of dudes, or just helping out random folk in the many hub worlds with their slight problems. This new XP system struck me as odd at first, but on closer inspection, it is a good way to alleviate the level-grinding of other RPGs, and also means you must explore every corner of the universe in order to hit the level cap of 30, meaning the journey to max out your character is perhaps less grueling than in other RPGs.

The conversation wheel makes a return here as well, with you being able to tailor your responses to seem like Shepard the Holy Saint or Shepard the Asshat. Business as usual, this is a BioWare game after all. The format isn’t hugely changed from ME1, but subtle differences like slight camera movements, and the improved body language of Shepard and his conversationee do a lot to make the conversation process less boring, as well as being able to interrupt your conversational partner with special Paragon or Renegade actions, which could range from embracing a crying victim to kicking a dude out of a 5 story window. Still, a few problems from the old game still linger – people will reel off their life story at the slightest provocation, and, outside of your main crew, it’s generally not an interesting one. However, credit must be given to the sheer volume of voice acting work done, with 90% of it being very high quality (again, Shepard himself seems to have the emotions of a baked potato), as well as it mostly being very well written (but again, this is BioWare we’re talking about).

On the graphics side of things, it’s a very pretty game, especially the environments. Each place is new and exciting, balancing just the right about of gritty realism with shiny bloom effects. Gunfights as well look like the shit – bullets and sparks flying everywhere, realistic looking explosion, and all with very little framerate issues (although the game actually crashed during one of the busier battles, I’m probably gonna blame that on my aging Xbox). Character models, however, are a bit hit and miss. Models for all the varieties of alien look absolutely sublime - skin cells, scales, bug eyes, mouth feelers and silly costumes are all lovingly and beautifully rendered. However, this is in sharp contrast to the human models, which, in my opinion, look like Ken and Barbie models made out of low quality clay. Except for maybe the facial hair on the males. That looks sweeeet.

If you didn’t quite get my opinion of the game from the 1,630 words above, I’ll share this with you: after I beat ME2 for the first time, I had the choice to roll a new character, or play FFXIII , Arkham Asylum or Pokémon HeartGold instead. And I chose the first option. There really are no words to describe how good this game is (unless you count the words FUCKING MEGA CUNTING AWESOME), it is easily the best video game there has been for many years, and will please shooter and RPG fans alike with its tight gameplay its not too intrusive yet not too simple RPG elements, the return of the wonderful Mass Effect universe, and the outstanding main cast which holds the whole package together. Ten out of ten, five starts, A+, an absolutely sublime experience from beginning to end, and cemented in my mind as the second best game ever made*, it is something that PC and Xbox owners should buy…nay, MUST buy. Seriously. Go. Go buy it. Go buy it right now. Honest. It’s fucking awesome.

Be here next Wednesday where I’ll be talking about Final Fantasy XIII, and my resulting constipation troubles.[/i]

*Final Fantasy VII takes the top spot, but, to be honest, I don’t see anything beating that any time soon.   read

11:37 AM on 01.24.2010

The Future: Sonic The Hedgehog, an Obituary

[Authors Note: Whilst most of this doesn't fit my general opinion of recent Sonic games (I actually think most of the 3-D Sonics were quite good), I figured, given the general opinion on Sonic these days, this might be something quite interesting to write. And hey, interesting articles make the front page, right?]

Today, on Friday the 24th of January, 2020, we mourn the passing of a once great videogaming giant, Sonic The Hedgehog. Many remember him from his glory days from the fourth-generation 16-bit console the Sega Genesis (the last surviving, and working, version of which is now housed in the Museum of Science and Technology), however, many more will probably be knowledgeable of his infamous decline and economic failure within the video game world in the past few years, one which would eventually spell the end of Sonic Team and which almost knocked long-time video game company Sega off the gaming map.

Many will write this failure off as part of a new trend in the last decade of long-standing IPs losing audience and profit after the ninth-generation consoles hit the market, with big names such as Mega Man and Final Fantasy now only long-standing memories in the minds of the oldest videogamers, along with the steadly decline of Nintendo's mega-mascot Mario (Super Mario Galaxy 4 met with horrible sales figures and mixed reviews, most people citing the fact that the promotion of Toad to player character and main protagonist was a horrible decision on Nintendo's part). But others will believe this to be a tragic loss to the world of videogaming, a loss which will shake the industry to its very core and change the face of interactive entertainment forever. Come, as we pay our last respects to Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic the Hedgehog was born in April, 1990, commissioned by Sega and developed as a mascot for the company. The five-man team (known hereafter as Sonic Team) settled on Sonic as the mascot, an anthropomorphic hedgehog with the power to run at ultra-high speeds. The game was built and developed over a period of 14 months, with the end result being Sonic the Hedgehog, the inaugural game in what would become Sega's flagship videogame series. It stood out from other platform games at the time due to its emphasis on speed and style, with the ability to gain bonus points if levels were traversed quickly, and the inclusion of ramps, springs, and loop-de-loops as part of what would be the games signature aesthetic, as well as having a catchy and speedy soundtrack that many fans continue to listen to now. The game was met with critical acclaim and high sales figures, eventually leading to Sega's Genesis to outsell Nintendo's Super Famicom by almost two to one, and giving Sega 65% of the 16-bit home console market during the 1991 holiday season. The game sold 4 million copies, which would made it the second highest selling game on the Genesis ever (only being outsold by its sequel, Sonic The Hedgehog 2). Riding on the huge wave of success and acclaim that followed, Sega released three sequels of the game on the Genesis: Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Sonic the Hedgehog 3, and Sonic and Knuckles, all three of which kept to the first games original formula of high speed 2D platforming, with loops, springs and ramps intact, whilst also allowing you to play as 2 new characters, Miles “Tails” Prower, and Knuckles the Enchinda, both of which had their own special abilities, whilst still reatining Sonic's trademark speed. Many spinoffs of the game were made, including Sonic Spinball, the cart racing game Sonic Drift, and puzzle game Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine, along with many 8-bit iterationss of the original games on the Game Gear and Master System. The 32-bit generation also saw many games in the Sonic franchise, including Knuckles Chaotix and [i]Flickie's Island.

When the sixth generation of videogaming rolled around, the Sonic franchise made a move that many consider was an early start to his eventual downfall – the move to the third dimension. Hoping to follow in the wake of the success of Mario's jump to 3-D with Mario 64, Sonic Team released Sonic Adventure for the Dreamcast in 1999, again, to huge sales (the game becoming the highest seller ever on the Dreamcast) and critical acclaim. Sonic's trademark speed and innovative gameplay had, according to critics, stuck the landing in 3-D, however, not all fans of the series agreed. Many were of the opinion that this was the worst move Sonic Team ever made with their franchise, with the speedy gameplay being difficult to control over three dimensions. Criticisms were also leveled at Sonic's ever expanding group of friends, with new characters like Amy Rose, Big the Cat, and the robot E-102 Gamma joining Sonic for the ride. Despite this, the profits and acclaim for the franchise caused them to develop Sonic Adventure 2, a game which, again, received critical acclaim and high sales figures, with many calling it “the last great game for the Dreamcast”. But again, hardcore fans of the original Sonic games found the same faults, with high speed platforming not working in 3-D, and the cast of characters being expanded still more.

As videogaming traveled through its seventh-generation, Sonic Heroes was the next game to be released in the franchise, and was the first in the series to be released across multiple platforms (what with the production of the Dreamcast having long since stopped). While the high sales still held, the critical acclaim had taken a slight dent, with the game receiving mixed reviews across all platforms – this game was where even fans of Sonic in 3-D were seeing the franchise go astray somewhat. This was not helped by next main releases in the Sonic series, namely, Shadow the Hedgehog and Sonic 2006. Both games received, again, reasonably high sales figures, but both were critically panned, notably Sonic 2006, which was criticized for its horrible controls and outrageous plot. Fans screamed for a new major 2-D Sonic release, claiming that handheld iterations, which stayed true to the original series, were far better experiences, and pleaded with Sonic Team to see the error of their ways. And Sonic Team listened – a bit. New release Sonic Unleashed featured both 2-D and 3-D section to the main Sonic levels, and was met with high acclaim, with some claiming the gameplay as “the funnest Sonic experience in years”. But, what Sonic Team gave with one hand, they took with the other, with the addition of duel-world gameplay and the introduction of the near-universally hated Sonic the Werehog. The game switched between normal speedy Sonic play and slow, sluggish Werehog play, and whilst the faster Sonic sections were praised, the addition of the Werehog levels cause reviews of the game to be very much mixed.

Keeping with the seventh-generation, Sonic Team's next big release was Project Needlemouse (which was claimed to be a code-name, yet ended up being the actual title of the release.) The game went through heavy marketing pre-release, with emphasis that the game was a “fully 2-D adventure built from the ground up”. Its release in June 2010 signifies a landmark moment for Sonic fans – critical acclaim of the game was the highest of the entire franchise and was one of the most well-received games of all time, tying with The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time with a Metascore of 99 (with Jim Sterling of Destructoid keeping the game from a perfect 100 with the only non-perfect score of 9.5). Reviewers universally agreed that the old-school gameplay mixed with the picturesque HD-graphics was a flawless combination, with one reviewer saying: “Think of the best combinations that mankind has produced. Gin and tonic, peanut butter and jelly, fish and chips. All of these things pale in comparison to the flawless concoction that is Project Needlemouse.” Fans and critics alike agreed that this was the game that would reinvigorate the series, and that Sonic would again reign supreme over the videogaming world.

However, they were wrong. Despite overwhelmingly good write-ups, Project Needlemouse suffered from very poor sales, with many thinking that the generation of gamers that made up 80% of the market at the time wouldn't even consider a game that only worked in two dimensions, and would rather “not waste” their expensive console on such an archaic game. Others think that the fact that the game was overshadowed by the surprise announcement and release of Activision's Modern Warfare 3, which was released the day before Project Needlemouse. After a month on shelves, Project Needlemouse had only sold 50,000 copies worldwide, and eventually only sold 200,000 copies before SEGA stopped printing of new game discs. In the end, SEGA announced that the next game in the Sonic series would be back in 3-D, and not long after, nearly all employees of Sonic Team retired from their positions, leaving many to wonder as to whether SEGA had given the Sonic Team the ultimatum of “make it in 3-D or find new jobs”, a theory which was confirmed by ex-Sonic Team illustrator Yuji Uekawa in an interview with Gamespot: “Project Needlehouse was special, almost everybody who played it loved it, yet its poor sales caused the hot shots at SEGA to think that 3-D is the only thing that would sell. They said our funding for the next Sonic title would be cut unless we agreed to do it in 3-D, and many of us were very unhappy with that, so we left.”

In the end, SEGA replaced all of the missing workers from Sonic Team and work began on a new title, Sonic Rampage. In order to win back their lost fanbase from Needlemouse, heavy marketing was deployed, emphasising Sonic's return to 3-D and the introduction of five new playable characters, elements which correlated with the games previous high sales. In response to this, hardcore fans of Project Needlemouse organised a boycott and petition, which nearly 400,000 people signed (oddly, twice as many people as there were copies of the game sold). In March 2012, Sonic Rampage hit store shelves, and as SEGA had predicted, the sales figures improved upon Project Needlemouse, but not by very much. 150,000 copies were sold in the first month, with 400,000 being sold overall, again, one of the lowest sales figures for a major Sonic title. The game was also critically panned due to substandard gameplay, horrible plot, voice acting and new characters, the return of Sonic the Werehog, and a bad soundtrack which many reviewers considered was the first overly bad soundtrack to a Sonic game ever. Many reviewers also commented in their reviews about SEGA's stupid decision to force the development of a 3-D title just to improve sales, especially considering the overwhelming critical response to Project Needlemouse.

These poor, inconsistent sales led SEGA and Sonic Team to question the appeal of the orginal Sonic format, and whether they should experiment with the forumla. After these discussions, they announced Sonic: Code Blue, the first in a planned series of four Sonic RPGs. The press release talked of an “action RPG battle system in which Sonic and two of his friends fight enemys, with weapons such as swords, guns and explosives,” and “a mature, emotional plotline which might appeal to the now older patrons of the original Sonic games”. Response to the announcement was mostly negative, however many people were curious as to how the game might play out, whilst aware of the fact that the last time Sonic was presented in a more mature manner (namely, Shadow the Hedgehog) was a sizeable failure. Sonic: Code Blue was released on the 8th of November 2015, to mixed reviews and medicore sales, with the general consensus being that, while the RPG system was solid, it had been done far better in other games. However, the new plot was universally hated by fans and reviewers alike, as was the fact that Sonic's trademark speed was almost fully omitted, with only the addition of a “Quick Dodge” during fight sequences hinting that Sonic was ever fast in the first place. The next installment in the series dropped the Sonic moniker altogether, being released exactly a year later, simply called Code Yellow. The battle system underwent a complete overhaul, switching from action RPG to turn-based combat. The game was critically detested, scoring a pitiful 24 on Metacritic, one of the lowest in history. GameSpy were noted as saying “again, the RPG fighting is fine, but totally generic, but the criticism is why we're playing an RPG in the first place! Sonic's speed is not here, the plot is terrible, this is really just a standard JRPG with anthropomorphic woodland creatures replacing androgynous teenagers. And you know, if had just been a JRPG with androgynous teenagers I would probably be far kinder to it, but as it stands, its a testament to the phrase: “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.” And Sonic has fallen. Hard.”

Sales of the game nearly rivalled the economic failure of Project Needlemouse, and thus, SEGA decided to cancel the whole series entriely. Two years passed with no word from neither Sonic Team nor Sega, leading many to believe that the company had long since given up on the Sonic franchise once and for all. However, on Christmas Day 2018, Sonic Team announced that they had indeed been working on a new Sonic title in deadly secret, officially announcing it as Sonic Forever. Over the next few weeks, screencaps and viral videos depicting the new gameplay were leaked by the company, and from the footage and images, many believed that Sonic Forever would simply consist of levels not unlike the fast, daytime levels of Sonic Unleashed, and that this could possibly be the moment that Sonic claimed back his throne. However, a month after the announcement, the steady flow of screencaps and videos stopped, and Sonic Team again went silent for over two years. Then, on the 10th of January, 2020, Sonic Team had announced, that, due to staff lay-offs and lack of money (due to the economic recession of 2019), that Sonic Forever had been cancelled, and that the studio were to drop the Sonic series altogether, saying that “Sonic just doesn't have the same appeal that he had a decade ago, people are bored of him now. In the end, its just not economically viable to make any more game featuring Sonic anymore.”

Reception to this news was, like to many of the later Sonic games, very much mixed. Anticipation for Sonic Forever and love for the old Sonic fans led many to believe that this was the turning point that could kill the videogame industry, however, many other believed that this was the best decision SEGA ever made, and that Sonic was doing nothing but holding the company back. A week after the announcement, Sonic Team disbanded, and SEGA's dwindling funds almost sent them the same way. However, SEGA had gambled and pooled all of their resources into Bayonetta 3, which, after being released a week after the end of Sonic Team, went on to break sales records worldwide, saving the company from the brink of collapse.

So, after thirty years, half of glory, and half of shame, we pay our last respects to Sonic the Hedgehog. He will most certainly be remembered by the entire videogame community, for better, or for worse, and his influence on the medium of gaming is almost certainly rivalled by no other.

R.I.P. Sonic The Hedgehog, 1990-2020   read

3:19 PM on 12.06.2009

Boatz's review on this whole motherfucking debacle

So, Jim wrote a review of a game.
A lot of you didn't agree. Oh well. His bad review shouldn't alter YOUR perception of the game unless you are very insecure. So please STFU about it.

It is a shame though, because I REALLY liked Avatar too.

Incidentally, this is gonna look REALLY good on the weekend Cblog recaps.

Final Score: Finland/Norway   read

9:39 AM on 11.13.2009

RE: "No Russian" Rev Rant

[AVAST, there be spoilers ahead.]

So, Modern warfare 2 finally dropped. As it happens, most people think its a very good game. But one thing that dropped far before the game itself was the heavily violent and controversial level “No Russian”, in which you assume the role of an undercover CIA agent who is tasked with befriending evil Russian du jour Makarov by helping him massacre dozens of civilians at an airport. But obviously, most laymen heard the words “airport, massacre, and civilians” and of course jumped to the conclusion that Modern Warfare 2 could be re-named “Terrorist Massacre of Doom” and that it would be raising a new generation of blood-lusting mercenaries. So, the media got bitchy, Germany got censor-y, and Fox News got crappy. Regrettably, it was to be expected.

I for one wasn't really fussed by the gratuitous acts of violence on unarmed civilians. I thought the entire mission was an absolute blast, its truly a great piece of video game story telling and the subject matter it deals with just shows how far video games have come as an art form. Killing civilians has never been much of a problem for me too. Sometimes it happens by accident in a heated GTA gunfight on the street, or sometimes you want to silence the stupid beggar women in Assassin's Creed with a blade in the spleen, but it never really hurt me morally. The fact that I'm British also makes me less of a “OMG 9/11!!!!” than perhaps more than a few Americans are, so the terrorism aspect of the level didn't really affect me either.

But in this blog post, I'm not defending Modern Warfare's 2 grisly subject matter or violent nature, oh no. Today, I will be defending it from Anthony Burch, who's latest Rev Rant took the narrative and interactive components of this mission to town and gave them a thorough drubbing. I do respect Anthony's opinion and his points are certainly valid, but there were one or two things that I didn't really agree with and were probably a bit unfair towards the scene as a whole.

One of the first points he makes in the video is that, despite the lack of freedom in linear narrative games and the fact that you aren't allowed to do certain things in order to keep the game's story together, the concept of them still work, since generally, the things you aren't allowed to do are the things that you don't want to do in the first place, for example, shooting Alyx Vance in the face whilst playing Half-Life 2. This isn't allowed as it would butt-fuck the story no end, but since the game characterizes her well, its not high on your to-do list. He then goes on to criticize MW2, as he himself was forced to keep to the story of the game, not because he was doing something he wanted to do (like NOT killing Alyx Vance), but because he was being forced to do something he DIDN'T want to do, that is, killing the civilians and staying in character by Makarov. In the end, he tried to take down the terrorists and blow his cover but was angered that he was given a 'game over' screen when he did that urged him to stay in character.

He certainly implied that this scene was to blame for his urges of justice, and it certainly is, but not fully. Like Half-Life 2 giving Alyx Vance good enough characterization to make you NOT want to shoot her, Modern Warfare 2 should've been drumming into your head that staying undercover is of the utmost importance, so as to make you not feel like blowing your cover. This is not the scene's fault, this is more the fault of every second of plot prior to the massacre. Since the general plot has not done a good job of telling you that you 100% definitely SHOULD NOT blow your cover, you aren't as motivated to do so, just like if Alyx Vance had been a bitch in Half-Life, you'd be more motivated to blow her face off with a point-blank shotgun blast. Its not the scene that should be blamed for your selfless act, its most definitely the fact that the plot as a whole hasn't immersed you enough to make you carry out a devilish massacre. Maybe a better written and more immersive plot would have, but the point I'm making is that the “No Russian” scene shouldn't be fully blamed for this.

His next criticism was that the game forces you to play it in its way, and that this was “bullshit”. Er, what? As far as single-player campaigns go, the Call of Duty series would probably win awards for linearity, and yet Anthony seems shocked that doing something the total opposite to the objectives of the mission brought a game over screen to his face. Its a simple objective: “Follow Makarov's lead.” You shoot one of his buddies, objective failed, game over, just like how if the objective is “Protect Mr. X” and you shoot Mr. X in the face, you will also get a game over sequence. Anthony seemed to be livid that this scripted, linear sequence wasn't allowing him any choice, but why he would expect THIS one section of the game to give him choices where the other sections do not is puzzling. In the end, you go from point A to point B whilst following the objectives of the game, which is the basis of pretty much the entire Call of Duty series. Just because this time your forced to do something you perhaps have an issue with rather than killing unambiguously evil baddies, doesn't mean that Infinity Ward should break their whole philosophy of game design and give you the choice to perhaps alter the story entirely. And if you really, REALLY had issues with the slaughter of innocents, then maybe you should've taken the game's advice and skipped the scene instead.

Anthony also criticizes the end of the mission, saying that he felt betrayed by the fact that his playing of the part of terrorist did nothing to avert the threat of World War 3. Well, you should feel betrayed got betrayed. But had you played the game in the way is was meant to be played you might've found this twist like the rest of us – bloody brilliant and unexpected.

Anthony goes on about the nature of interactivity and such but I don't really think that's the point of this scene. This whole mission is, at its heart, a glorified cutscene. Had Anthony simply watched the massacre as if it were an FMV he might've found that it would've been very much more enthralling, but the fact that he himself was given the gun and chosen to be an actor in this scene rather than an observer changed the whole tone of it. Like he said, it was a SCRIPTED sequence, and he chose not to follow the script. What would happen if an actor didn't follow his script? They'd shout cut and start the scene again. Just like what happens with this mission. You can go ahead and ad-lib like Anthony did but then the experience isn't as good, yet following your lines to the letter let you take advantage of the brilliant writer you have on the staff.

Ok, I'm gonna cut that metaphor before it gets out of control, but hopefully a lot of you get where I'm coming from. With linear narrative games, you have to follow the linear narrative, you have to follow the script that the game has made for you, and that's just how it goes. As you can see with Half-Life, Bioshock, and other brilliant linear games, it quite often works.

It does seem like this is a personal attack against Anthony, but it isn't. I assume that there are others who also had an epiphany and tried to stop the massacre and failed, only then to find that completing the massacre ended in the same outcome. But had you just followed the plot of the game and “Followed Makarov's Lead”, then you would've had an awesome experience and a gave the game a pat on the back for such a brilliant twist, instead of the betrayal that you might be feeling now.

Basically, there are two types of people in this scene: those who play out the scene killing civilians or those who try to enforce justice and change the course of the game by trying to end the massacre. This is a message to those in the latter group: you're doing it wrong.   read

11:26 AM on 11.09.2009

Why Tails is blatantly better than Sonic

Miles “Tails” Prower is a character who's taken a considerable amount of flak since his conception. Charitably, people describe him as an annoying whiny bitch, and uncharitably, some people would describe him as someone who should die of a very painful and long illness. I know some Brits would probably have voted against the fox-hunting ban just to be able to unload a shotgun into his face, and pin his two tails on their wall as a sign of “saving videogames”. He gets in the way, he always gets kidnapped, he's Sonic's bitch, he never contributes – all accusations leveled at the yellow fox. Its safe to say, most people would choose Sonic over Tails every single time.

As such, most people are stupid idiotic morons.

Tails is superior to Sonic in near every respect and its surprising that the general populace are so blind and ignorant not to notice, let alone that they are moronic enough to make claims that he is infinitely worse. Follow me, kids, as I explain to your puny, mushy brains why Tails should be the subject of many fangirl's inappropriate crushes, rather than Sonic.

He's loyal

I remember a time where loyalty was rewarded with feasts and wine and prostitutes and special commendations from King Henry VII, but apparently Tails' loyalty to Sonic is not worthy of praise, but more worthy of comments of how he'd rather be inside Sonic rather than just running behind him. My point: what's wrong with a bit of bro-mance*? Regardless, no matter which path Sonic takes, whether it gets Tails gets crushed, drowned, spiked, burned, Tails will always follow behind, many times shaking off death itself just to stay with his friend. And is Sonic loyal to Tails? Fuck no. Sure, maybe he needs Tails' help to get to a higher place he can't reach, but after he's there he shoots off in a blue blur with neither a farewell nor tip of the hat, and certainly no gratitude whatsoever. Will Sonic ever save Tails when he hits a spot of bother? Probably, but he certainly wouldn't be happy about it, unlike Tails, who's always willing to lend a hand to his ungrateful hedgehog cohort.

*This statement is probably easier to agree with if you ignore the fact that both Sonic and Tails are both non-human, both different species, and both under the age of consent.

He's a brainbox

Tails is described as a mechanical prodigy who rivals Dr. Robotnik, and that certainly proves useful in the world of Sonic. He knows the logistics of Eggman's robots, he knows the working of engines and computers, hell, he built a bloody shape-shifting plane! Things like this might actually be able to combat a more violent foe – hey, if you were being oppressed by an army of robots, what would you choose, a shape-shifting fighter plane or the ability to run fast? Exactly. And its not like Sonic could come up with any clever plans or create robots, all he knows is “run fast, get rings, PROFIT” and half the time Tails has to pop down with his plane when Sonic “genius” plan ends up failing. Its a testament to real life, probably, the smart ones do the brunt of the work while the famous ones take the credit.

He can fly

When it truly comes down to it, flying is a far better skill than speed. Sure, with speed you can get places quick, but your run will come crashing to a halt if there's a tree 5 miles in front of you that you didn't consider, and then BOOM, good luck picking up those 150 rings you just dropped. Flying, on the other hand, is a much more enjoyable pasttime. You get to see the lovely environment, you get to see the lay of the land, or the position of your enemies, and obstacles are reduced to a minimum. And I can imagine the whole experience would be bloody relaxing. Sonic's run would stop the minute he reaches a coast or sizeable lake, whereas Tails could just hover over without a problem (although he'd probably need his plane for the sea.) And even if he didn't fancy flying, large bodies of water would hold no problem because...

He can swim

Tails can swim, Sonic can't. And that's useful considering how much water you encounter in the Sonic games. So, Sonic, you at the bottom of a well? That's a shame. You'll just have to chill down here for a bit, oh and did that last bubble of yours resemble the number five? That other one looks like a four as well, this is SURREAL. Oh no. Your dead. Conversely, Tails is not a retard and could simply swim out of the well like a normal anthropomorphic woodland animal would, leaving leaving Sonic's water bloated bluer-than-normal corpse behind. Of course, he would never do that. He's too loyal.

By the way, I'm omitting the fact that, in addition to the ability to fly and swim, Tails could also run just as fast as Sonic in earlier Sonic titles. Just giving Sonic fans a fighting chance to argue back.

Foxes are better than Hedgehogs

Have you ever heard the expression “as cunning as a fox”? Well there you go. You will also notice how you probably can't think of an expression of the form “as [adjective here] as a hedgehog”. And even if you could, it would be a crappy adjective. Foxes stealth around at night and kill chickens in near total secrecy, whereas hedgehogs walk onto motorway roads and get turned into a spiky red stain on the tarmac. Who would you rather be? Presumably, the non-dead animal would cater to your interests more. Plus, at least foxes can kill things. Hedgehogs get scared, they roll into the fetal position, and do nothing for 5 hours. Very cool.

I'm very aware that these characteristics are not indicitive of neither Sonic nor Tails' character, but it stands to reason that Tails > Sonic, since Fox > Hedgehog. Don't argue with the irrefutable logic.

Tails triumphed through adversity

It saddens me to say that Tails was bullied as a child, bullied for his freakish twin tails. But now he's got more friends than you could shake a stick at and is proving to be quite the successful little mammal. He didn't let the bullying get him down, is my point. Sonic didn't have to deal with all that shit, his blue fur and freaky trainers apparently met critical acclaim with his other animal friends. So its no surprise that Sonic is the hero of the land, but Tails reached second place in the hierachy even with a huge opening disadvantage. And it's always better to work for something than to have it placed in your lap, right?


I mean, come on. LOOK AT HIM. He's adorable, and, as much as I hate the use of the word, he's as close to kawaii as you can get. And you try crushing Sonic's head to get to the candy. You'd do yourself an injury on his stupid spikes, and even if you got to crush his head you wouldn't find candy. You'd probably fine heroin or something, which, admittedly, some might find better than candy. But heroin isn't cute. Candy is. Again, undebatable logic.

Sonic would probably be a wanker in real life

Suspend your disbelief for a second and assume that you and Sonic we're friends and went out to a club. You know what he'd do? He'd go to where three dressed-up sluts we're dancing and try to shag each one of them, leaving you at the bar looking awkward, slowly sipping your drink of choice. I'm not saying that the act of sexual intercourse with females isn't cool, but the act of screwing your mates over to do so is uncool in every respect. Now, go to a club with Tails, and he'd probably be considerate enough to introduce you to the girls he's been chatting too. And you'd feel wanted and part of the social group. Epic win, and maybe sex will be on the cards for you, good sir.

Well, I kinda digressed with that point a bit, but the main thing is Tails is just...nicer. He's considerate, kind-hearted, and he'll never let you down. Sonic, on the other hand, would screw you over at a moment's notice, probably even less than that if there's any chance to woo the hot chicas.

Yellow is better than Blue

Blue is associated with rain, cold temperatures, and sadness, whereas yellow is associated with the sun, warmth (but not uncomfortably warm) and custard, which is awesome. Again, not indicitive of Sonic's or Tails' characters, but Yellow > Blue implies Tails > Sonic. For the third and final time, don't even try to argue with my airtight logicality.

Tails would probably be a video gamer

Tails was bullied for his twin tails, he can't fly for too long, meaning he's not very fit, and he enjoys working with computers and machines. So, bullied as a youngster, unfit and unactive, can work with machines? Sounds like video gamer material to me. Ok, I'm stereotyping there, but stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason – because they generally fit the description. But he can also fly a plane too, so he'd be good with his hands. And he's smart, so he could blast through Portal and Braid in a second. Would Sonic play video games? Maybe, but he'd probably exclusively play games like Call of Duty 4 and be the person you immediately mute the minute the game starts. Plus, his speedy nature means he'd fuck up Left 4 Dead by going too fast and getting pounced in seconds.

Again, I'm digressing, but come on, Tails is closer to a video gamer than Sonic. And surely, since I imagine only video gamers will be reading this article, you can all respect that. And hell, even if he wasn't, if your gaming PC broke down he'd probably be able to fix it.

So there you go, 10 solid reasons why Tails kicks Sonic's arse to Death Egg and back. There's no need to thank me for freeing your from your bleak ignorance that your were surrounded in, just the fact that your mind is healed is enough payment for me. So go now, continue with your lives, safe in the knowledge of Tails' superiority, and the fact that he's probably more likely to save the world than Sonic, if he was give half a chance.

Milo Pilkington still checks his local GameStation often to see if Sonic Team have made Tails Adventure yet. He has also learned that searching for "Tails" on Google Images with safesearch off is generally a bad plan.   read

8:56 AM on 09.23.2009

The Forgotten: Team Fortress 2 in 2007

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: It might not look like I'm really on topic with this Monthly Musing, but I do have a point, so make sure you read until the end. Also, cocks. Tr00 dat.]

It stands to reason that, if you are even slightly interested in PC gaming, you will have heard of Team Fortress 2. Valve’s multiplayer magnum opus has endured critical acclaim and wonderful popularity, and rightly so, as it is one of the finest pieces of multiplayer gaming ever crafted, and the ability to tweak the game as you like and the constant influx of free updates by Valve have only served to enhance that experience.

Or have they?

Valve’s regular class updates and the ability to alter the rules of the game as you see fit via the console does add another layer of complexity to the game. But was it really needed? Have class limits and instant respawns tainted Valve’s glorious game mechanics? Have these class updates ruined the inch perfect balance that they attained with the nine classes available? Both have altered Valve’s near flawless creation, and that is what we’ve forgotten – Team Fortress 2, without addition or alteration, without mods, class updates and new weapons, is the best that is has ever been, and it’s a shame that we have all forgotten how that was.

First of all, a little history about the game. Team Fortress was originally a mod itself, based on the Quake engine. The signature cartoonish style of Team Fortress 2 was missing, but other than that, it’s business as usual – Red Team vs. Blu Team, go capture a point or capture the flag a few times to win. After being adapted for Quake, Team Fortress Classic was created as a mod for Half-Life, and became super-duper popular, with people still playing it this very day. Obviously, Valve liking the idea of making sequels to popular games, development of Team Fortress 2 began. First screens of the game were shown at 1999’s E3, a full EIGHT YEARS after the finished product made it into The Orange Box, but it was time well spent – Valve themselves said that “we quietly made three or four full games” before they hit what we know and love today.

Team Fortress 2 came out with The Orange Box and met with critical acclaim, holding scores of 92 on both Metacritic and GameRankings, with critics commenting on the good balance that the game offers. And they were right. Anyone who plays class based shooters will know that, without a balanced set of classes, the game will suddenly turn into a grief-fest. But Valve hit the balance right on the head – sure, the Heavy can turn anything that comes close into pate, but the slow movement speed makes him an easy victim for the headshot of a Sniper or the backstab of a Spy. Conversely, the Scouts quick movement and lethal close-range damage was countered by his low health. The class system was also good in that not doing the job of your class would make certain death and defeat an almost certainty. If a Sniper tried to join the main fight rather than sniping from a distance, he’d most certainly be turned into a red smear on the walls, whereas if he does his job and put his bullets through people’s eyes from the next town over, he’d score more kills and most certainly help out his team a lot more. Every class had strengths and weaknesses, and no-one class shone more than other. This meant that successful teams had to have players from all classes – despite common belief, a team of nothing but Spies and Snipers will most certainly lose.

As far as I’m concerned, the game was-near perfectly balanced (I’ll admit I had issues with the Spy, but hell, I’m pretty sure everyone does ). And then when Valve announced that the Medic would be receiving an update with some new Medic-specific weapons, I was intrigued. Hey, pretty much everyone was intrigued, but probably not in the way that I was. I was confused as to how one class can receive new weapons where the other eight do not, and how the game would stay balanced. So, update day rolled around, and, to be honest, I was amazed at what I saw.

The Medic’s syringe gun, most definitely the weakest gun on the game, was improved to heal the medic for 3 health each time one of his syringes hit his target. This, for me, was certainly a step in the wrong direction. The reason for the syringe gun’s horrible weakness was to make the Medic useless in a combat situation, so he would concentrate on healing his fellow teammates, but now, the Medic could hold his own in combat, and maybe even score a few kills. Worse than that was the ubersaw, the new melee weapon that filled the Medic’s “Ubercharge” meter (which would allow the medic to make himself and the person he is healing invulnerable, or, with the new update, score 100% critical hits). Before, the only way to charge up this meter was to heal, which would encourage players to do so – now, it would be quicker, easier, and a helluva lot more exciting to run into the fray and try to gain charge be bonesawing anything that moved. With this update, not only was the medic discouraged to stand around healing, he was also given a tool to make it that much easier for him to survive one-on-one fights – something he was never supposed to have.

All this did not sit well with me, and, come the next update (the Pyro) I was worried that the Pyro’s new weapons would also screw with his original role. While the Backburner (a new flamethrower that scored 100% critical hits if someone is attacked from behind) did fit in with the Pyro’s M.O. as a close-range ambush class, the Flare Gun was the polar opposite. It allowed the Pyro to burn his victims from afar, meaning that one of the Pyro’s weaknesses – his inadequacy at long range – was gone. More updates followed and the same things happened. The Heavy, who was pretty weak unless he had a Medic backing him, now had the ability to heal himself with the Sandvich. The Sniper was given The Huntsman, a bow which made him just as deadly at close range as he was from afar. The Spy, whose one real method of killing was to backstab, was given a gun that crits on a headshot, meaning that any good spy would rather lop off people’s heads from afar than being forced to get close. Last but not least, the Scout’s Sandman served the same purpose as the Pyro’s flare gun – made the scouts inability to hurt at long range much less of a weakness. During all of this, the Demoman, Engineer and Soldier all had to make do without updates, so their weaknesses stayed as weaknesses, whilst every other class seemed to drop them quite easily.

Not only were these updates upsetting the balance, some updates were more useful than others. Take the Sniper’s Razorback, a shield designed to block the backstab of a Spy. This new tool was almost made obsolete by the Spy’s new crit-on-headshot Ambassador revolver – any spy who spotted the wood on the Sniper’s back would just step back, decloak out of the Sniper’s view, make two shots at the Sniper’s head and cloak away again. I’ll admit that this is perfectly fine – Sniper’s are weak against spies and this is how it stayed – but Valve didn’t have to throw in the near-pointless Razorback to give Snipers the illusion of Spy safety.

Valve’s inclusion of the console system and the ability to change almost every aspect on a server also affects the game balance. Sure, it can be fun to use lightning on Counter-Strike or spawn ten Witches in the saferoom on Left 4 Dead, but on Team Fortress, the most used mods seem to be Class Limits and Instant Respawn. Class Limits limit how many people can choose which class, and sometimes takes a class out of the equation together. Just doing that affects the balance so much – imagine this: A game where Snipers have been deemed too powerful and have been banned. Now, Heavies will be able to attack with less consequence and Engineers won’t be able to start building their sentries without Spies bearing down on them, Spies who’d usually be after the Snipers. Now imagine that Demomen had been banned – good luck destroying that sentry around the next corner, away from the rockets of a soldier or the greasy mitts of a Spy. Instant respawn also affects the game. You may or may not know that TF2 implements a system called “momentum”, where the respawn time is different depending on how the game is going. A simple example is that an attacking team will have quicker respawns than a defending team – this is fair enough, it’s far easier to bunker down and defend than draw guns and attack, so death should carry a higher price on the defence. But with Instant Respawns this goes down the can. Defending teams will receive the same respawns as attacking teams, making defences harder to breach, and making final captures, which are often a stone’s throw away from the spawn point of a team, will be twice as difficult.

All of this sounds like digression from the subject at hand – remembering forgotten relics of games that people might not’ve appreciated. Well, that is exactly what I am doing. Team Fortress 2, one the finest games ever created in the history of gaming, was at its peak before the class updates and before Valve let people mess around in the console. But we’re all stuck in the mentality of “OMG THE SNIPER GOT A BOW LET ME PLAY” to remember just how great that was! Team Fortress 2, without updates, without new weapons, without class limits or instant respawns or anything like that, is The Forgotten. All of this new stuff and tweaked server rules have blinded us and made us forget just how good Team Fortress was pre-update. Don’t get me wrong, the game is still good and I urge you to try it if you haven’t already, but what was once a 10 out of 10 2 years ago has become an 8 out of 10 today. And it’s a shame that most people have forgotten the five-star marvel that Valve released in 2007. It’s a simple case of don’t fix what isn’t broken, and also of a simple case of don’t let the players decide the rules.

The irony is, the update-less, mod-less Xbox 360 version of this game that people have been whining about is actually a better version than what we PC owners have got. Play it with pride, Xbox 360 owners, your time with the perfect version of TF2, which PC owners have forgotten, is most definitely limited.   read

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