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Destructoid Cblog Exclusive Interview: Your Mom - Destructoid




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About


I own a FamPuter, which is a 100% fake Famicom. And I do own Super Mario Bros. and Rockman 2 for it, which you don't. :P



I'm a 34 year old gamer. I cannot hang out with most of you, and you should not contact me to buy you cheap wine or cigarettes. I do not like jail. Seriously, I own all three consoles and I don't discriminate. Gaming is for fun, not for sissy slapfights. If you consider yourself partial to a particular console, I don't care why you don't own other consoles, I don't want to hear about it. If you're going to bitch about something, you'd better bring some hard evidence of why you're complaining if you want to cry on my shoulder.

Enjoy this wonderful picture of 2 generations coming together at last...



PS - I eat trolls.

PPS - I've been to Japan. Maybe you've heard about it? If not, read up here:

Part 1: Introductions
Part 2: Yamagata's Hanagasa Festival
Part 3: Harajuku Girls and the lack thereof
Part 4: You're not in Kansas anymore, Niero (TGS07)
Part 5: Fresh from the farm to your mouth
Part 6: Going to Japan is hard
Part 7: 30 days takes forever
Part 8: Rape, Rocks, and Alliteration
Part 9: Small Town Nightlife
Part 10: Bling Bling, Hundred Thousand Yen Bill Ya'll
Part 10 Part 2: Mount Yamadera
Part 11: The Japanese Wal-Mart
Part 12: Goin' Down to Tokyo Town
Part 13: Ghiblit Gravy
Part 14: Air Sex
Part 15: Ganguros of New Tokyo
Part 16: The Contest Announcement
Part 17: The Contest
Part 18: The Trip Itinerary
Part 19: Tokyo Day 2
Part 20: Tokyo Day 2 Part 2 (of 2)
Part 21 is no longer there, but it wasn't all that great anyway, so you're not missing out.
Part 22: Happy Picture Montage Time!
Part 23: I have arrived.
Part 24: I have returned.
Part 25: The Case for the American Cheeseburger
Part 26: Random pictures are random
Part 27: A Free Gift for Those Who've Been Paying Attention
Part 28: Nintendo, no seriously, NINTENDO
Part 29: Racists in Japan, Discriminating against the handicapped
Special Report from Cheapy D at CAG
Part 30: The Secret Truth About Japan
Part 31: Oz-Matsuri
Part 32: The Japanese Don't Have Antiperspirant Deodorant

Part 33: There's this Disney character named Stitch in Japan...
Part 34: Trainspotting: Live From Kyoto
Part 35: Kyoto for Beginners
Part 36: Kyoto Smash: Advance Lesson in Fun Time
Part 37: Some Japanese people are alcoholics
Part 38: Hardcore Otaku know where the real action is
Part 40: My attempt at getting the Oscar for Best Japanese Picture
Part 41: What heaven is like.
Part 42: I sneak into a movie studio to pitch my movie
Part 41: What heaven is like.
Part 43: My film idea is shot down in favor of yet another Power Rangers TV show
Part 44: Excessive Male Nudity in Japan
Part 45: The Japanese grocery store has no deli counter
Part 46: How the Japanese language is worked into Japan's society
Part 47: Izukayas and you: How the Japanese drink in public
Part 48: All you really need to know about the Tokyo Auto Show
Part 49: Gyudon Rocks.
Part 50: Tendo is the coolest place in all of Japan
Part 51: I really did poop immediately after that shot
Part 52: A Beginner's Guide to Tokyo Disney Sea
Part 53: There is no comparison. Cheeseburgers win.
Part 55: You've never had Tonkatsu, so you wouldn't understand
Part 56: Japanese iTunes for the Mac addict
Part 57: The other kind of Curry
Part 58: Popular Pop and "Lock" music in Japan
Part 59: I sing like how cats have sex
Part 60: The Iron Penis Festival
Part 61: A sad bit about racism in Japan
Part 9001: Electro Lemon's whirlwind visit to Tokyo
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I decided after many many hours of debating whether to come out and address this or not, but I feel it's time to bring this all out into the open.

Your mom knows, and she needs to talk to you about it openly.


Hi dear! It's mommy! How are you and your friends today?

Edit: It took 5 minutes for me to explain that my still camera wasn't on the internet

Really, she is. That's why we decided to do this to get it all out in the open. Her thoughts, her feelings, are all laid bare for all to see. You can't hide from this one. Mom knows and she's telling everyone that'll listen.

So, it's nice to have you here today. I'm so glad we could do this on such short notice.

Thanks. You boys are always so nice. I thought your mother was always so sweet. It's too bad your family moved away back in '85.

I'm not from here, I've never lived here.

Well, of course, I remember you, you were in summer camp with my boy, weren't you? You boys...

...

So, today I'm here to discuss your recent revelation about your son. Was it difficult for you, to find out that he's so deeply invested in this controversial lifestyle?

Well, ever since Father passed on years ago, things have been difficult here in the house. I get so lonely sometimes and I sometimes think to myself how wonderful it'd be if there were grandkids here running around the hosue.


Your father would not approve of your lifestyle choices, you know...

Edit: Unbeknownst to your mother, your father actually did enjoy the same lifestyle as you, but kept it secret from your mother for fear of shaming the family.


Your father never realized that the joystick was meant to be HANDHELD.

But I realized after I discovered this news that there's no turning back for my boy. He's forever doomed to go to hell for his decisions. And mind you, this isn't that fancy hell with the MTV and Road Rules. This is the bad hell with eternal damnation and the weeping Jesus staring at you with angry eyes.


Your mother supressed her guilt again by cooking me a delicious meatloaf.

If you could sit down right now and stare your boy in the eyes before he made this lifestyle change, what would you say to him?

I'd sit him down...

[sobs]

And I'd look him square in the eyes and I.. I'd tell him... that...

[sobs harder]

Clearly, your mother was upset at this thought. I broke off the interview and told her we could resume the questioning later on in the evening provided she was up to it.

Then your drunk aunt showed up.



So, the three of us piled into your mom's station wagon and we went down to the local bar. Some of your mom's swinging friends were already there.


Your mom with your "Aunt" Hattie.

We got seriously pissed on wine coolers and daquaris. And then we went bowling.



Afterwards, your mom was still pretty messed up from the daquaris, so we went back to your place, where she showed me your old bedroom.



Then your mom and I screwed.


Your mom all sexed up.

The next morning she felt a little bit better about the whole thing and decided to continue the interview.

Well, basically, I'd tell him to knock that shit off. He's got better things to do all day long than spend all day long reading about video games. He's a grown boy for pete's sake. He doesn't even own a Atari or Nintendo anymore anyway. But I know he's totally obsessed with those video games and I just want him to stop. I saw the other day on the news that they have this new Mario man game where he's in outer space? My boy couldn't possibly play that game. He didn't react well when Star Wars came out. He threw such awful fits and would throw things on the ground. I had to put a stop to it when he wanted to name his pet turtle "Darth" something. I don't know what it was, but it sounded like the devil to me.

Do you feel that it's possible that he may derive some positive influence from these games?

No. If there was then he'd call me more often. Last time I checked on him, he was sitting there at the computer box with a yellowed sock on his pee-pee. Lord only knows what he was doing before I came over, but he should have at least put some underpants on. For pete's sake!

Well, this has certainly been an enlightening interview. Any final thoughts?

If my son reads this, tell him he's going to go to hell if he doesn't change his ways.

That Mr. Destructoid is some sort of robo-devil man. Only pimps and drug dealers wear suits that white. I should know firsthand.

Also, I know about the Four and seven-chans and the baby jesus doesn't approve of it either.



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