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BigPopa's Weekend Review: Beowulf, future porn king
BigPopaGamer | 9:15 AM on 11.20.2007 15 comments


Well our brand new theatre opened up in my town this weekend and I couldn't stay away, I had to see what it looked like. Before I tell you how incredibly awesome the new one is, maybe I should give you a little background.

You know your in the Cookeville theatre when:
1. You are dumped to the floor by your seat when you take a girl out
2. You let everyone know when you are going to the bathroom by the sound of your shoes against the floor
3. The left half of the theatre sound doesn't work
4. The projector breaks the film at least three times
5. The theatre is the size of your dad's garage.
6. You would rather eat cotton balls then the popcorn

So you can see the theatre sucked before. Well it is beautiful to behold now(pics on the way). But I digress, on to the review.

For those of you that have never read the book, Beowulf is set way the fuck back around 1000 A.D. He is the hero of the Geats, a people living in Sweden. The story, while trying not to reveal much, is basically about Beowulf coming to Holland to kick the shit out of a troll named Grendel. He does do that, naked apparently, and then goes on to the kick the shit out of Grendel's mother and becomes king of that land. That, in a nutshell, is the story.

On to something else, the animation. Now I saw this movie in the 3D theatre, so my experience is a little different. Having the 3D aspect thrown in brings this film to a whole new level. While the movie was on par with Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and better than Advent Children, seeing an axe fly out of the screen to kill the person next to you, or blood dripping from a dragon onto your face really adds something to the movie. This film takes computer animation and really steps it up again. Btw, we should all expect, nay, demand at least two nude scenes in CGI films from now on. Yes, Angelina Jolie naked was worth the price of admission. Yummy. But besides the 3D aspect, the detail they put onto the people, especially Beowulf, is amazing. You will not be disappointed in that area.

Music was standard epic, fantasy fare, nothing new to report here. Here's one gripe I had with the movie. When Beowulf first arrives he pulls his boat onto land and all his warriors, but one, looks like they just copied and pasted the same model 12 times. Then, at the mead hall, they all have a unique individual look to them. Kind of weird in my opinion.

So, to sum up, if you like epic fantasy adventure movies and large boobs, then Beowulf is a good show. The plot, while a little shallow, is still moving enough to keep you interested in the characters. It was a fun movie to watch, and if you get a chance to see it in 3D, definitely pay the extra $2.

BigPopa's score: 7 naked Jolie's out of 10









Just cuz I know you like them.



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15 comments | showing # 1 to 15

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wardrox's Destructoid Blog
"So, to sum up, if you like epic fantasy adventure movies and large boobs, then Beowulf is a good show. "

Sold.
GuitarAtomik's Destructoid Blog
I saw it in 3d. Thought it was pretty awesome. I was also surprised they managed to get a PG-13 rating even with what they had cut out. Can't wait to see the Unrated version.
Snaileb 's Destructoid Blog
I'll 3D it!
dgenerate's Destructoid Blog
I checked it out, but not in 3D.

I thought it was an odd choice to do a 3D movie, that attempted realism. What's the point when you are trying to make everything look realistic? Kind of put me off a bit, but no big deal.

Also, I think Beowulf is the biggest badass in history. Even rivaling John McLane... he must be Beowulfs descendent or something.

Also... I may get flamed for this but Angelina Jolie doesn't do it for me.

Also... almost cocks during Beowulfs first fight
Brandon Undead's Destructoid Blog
Angelina Jolie wasn't quite naked, nor did Beowulf kick the shit out of her (as he does in the story). I was really disappointed with this movie, though it's still a fun romp in 3D. If I had seen it 2D I'd be pissed.

Their attempt to make Beowulf a "flawed and fallible" man instead of a hero of olde was seriously off-putting. I wanted a good old fashioned Viking hero tale, which is what I got for the first half of the movie. Then modern ideas set in and it got weak.

For the record, in the story, Beowulf rips Grendel's arm off with his bare hands, with the help of none of his soldiers, and then lops of Grendel's mother's head with a giant's sword.

SPOILER ALERT
He also does not gain his kingdom through treachery and father a child with a demon. What a crock of shit.
Brandon Undead's Destructoid Blog
Angelina Jolie wasn't quite naked, nor did Beowulf kick the shit out of her (as he does in the story). I was really disappointed with this movie, though it's still a fun romp in 3D. If I had seen it 2D I'd be pissed.

Their attempt to make Beowulf a "flawed and fallible" man instead of a hero of olde was seriously off-putting. I wanted a good old fashioned Viking hero tale, which is what I got for the first half of the movie. Then modern ideas set in and it got weak.

For the record, in the story, Beowulf rips Grendel's arm off with his bare hands, with the help of none of his soldiers, and then lops of Grendel's mother's head with a giant's sword.

SPOILER ALERT
He also does not gain his kingdom through treachery and father a child with a demon. What a crock of shit.
Brandon Undead's Destructoid Blog
Oh Noes! Double post is long!

OH NOES! TRIPLE POST!
glipe's Destructoid Blog
I'm going to use your story-in-a-nutshell as a template for all my future synopsis of classic literature.

"Beowulf: guy goes to Holland to beat the crap out of some trolls"

"Romeo & Juliet: Teenagers date, commit suicide"

"The Bible: God wins"

Love it, cheers man.
aborto thefetus's Destructoid Blog
definitely see it in 3D, It is so Fucking awesome in 3D.
But yeah I was a little dissapointed. I wanted to see what Grendel's mother really looked like, and Grendel was such a whiny little bitch.
kobewan0824's Destructoid Blog
I actually really hated the movie. It was kind of cheesy, and it seemed like half that shit that happened was just there to make the movie last two hours. Many boring and predictable scenes, and the action just wasn't as epic as I thought. Very dissapointed in Beowulf
king3vbo's Destructoid Blog
God I hate that pic
Cowzilla3's Destructoid Blog
I loved that the stuck Angelina Jolies head on her old hot body and not her new super skinny body.
GuitarAtomik's Destructoid Blog
@Brandon

I thought making him "flawed" made him a lot more interesting. The movie would have been a lot more cookie cutter if he wasn't.
braulio09's Destructoid Blog
boobs in 3D? i better take some extra pants just in case...if you know what i mean
Brandon Undead's Destructoid Blog
@Guitar: I'm sick of my heroes learning lessons.


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 about me

Some say BigPopa was not born, but put together using the body parts of the greatest pimps ever to be born. Like some kind of freak zombie, sent here to roam the world. To play video games, terrorize women, and consume the largest amount of whiskey as is humanly possible.

You are not far from the truth...

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