Big Popa's Dtoid Army Dream(Niero, this one is for you) - Destructoid

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Some say BigPopa was not born, but put together using the body parts of the greatest pimps ever to be born. Like some kind of freak zombie, sent here to roam the world. To play video games, terrorize women, and consume the largest amount of whiskey as is humanly possible.

You are not far from the truth...

(Editor's note: sorry bud, Google sent us a "sexually gratifying warning" about your profile
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So I just had to share this with all of you and especially with Niero since I figured he would get a kick out of it. It has to do with the most amazing dream I have ever had and how Niero, Collette, Dtoid and the rest of you fit in. I hope you enjoy and I apologize in advance for the wall of text.

This little story starts out with me walking up to the door to a very large and expensive house set out in the country somewhere. Geographic location is not important. As I entered the house I was immediately greeted by a very large, monocled person. This individual led me off to my room where I would be sleeping for the duration of my stay there. After I had put my bags away I began to explore this house. In almost every room there were tv's and consoles as well as an entire lan center with about a dozen PC's set up. "Wow", I thought to myself, "This place is bitching!!" I eventually found the end of the house and inside the room that led out onto a deck were 4 of the prettiest girls I, apparently knew, because as soon as I walked through they all yelled, "POPA!!" and gave me awesome hugs. After talking with those lovely ladies for a few moments I went outside onto a deck to look around. There were several others on the deck and they all greeted me as I looked out at the panorama below me.

If any of you have ever rented a cabin in the mountains, you will be familiar with this description. The house was apparently 3 stories high and each level had an outside deck that you could walk out onto from the rear of the house. Out in front of me was a huge yard complete with a pool the size of a football field and a very large contraption set up at on end of it. Let me see if I can find a picture for you. This was the size of the pool.

And this is basically the zipline I was thinking of, except with multiple people and much bigger.

It was basically this but at one end was a huge, multi person starting point. The cable that the zipline followed was the length of the pool and attatched to some poles on the other side that were actually higher up from the starting point. Confused a bit by all of this, nonetheless, I decided to just roll with the things and find out later what exactly it was for. Beyond the zipline/pool was a forest with several trails leading into it at different spots.

After this it becomes fuzzy but I do remember sitting in the pool and talking to a Ms. Collette and Chad, I believe, about the qualities and aerodynamics of a dolphin shaped snorkeling suit. Much rough-housing and pool fun ensued. Later that night, after a huge banquet of a meal, myself, Coonskin and some kid were walking around the nature trails in the woods when we came out of it to find a candlelight ceremony going on. My first thought was, "What is a fraternity doing here?" And then I saw the master of ceremonies walk out with two assistants in robes. He pulled off his cowl and behold, it was our lord and master, Mr. Destructoid. With him were his right-hand assistants, Collette and a certain Mr. Chester. All three of us ducked into the woods to watch the proceedings.

While I could not make out what they were saying, I did realize eventually what was going on. It was the first step for these young souls, in their journey to becoming full member of the Dtoid army. And, as of course dreams go, me and my friends all remembered when we went through a similar ceremony years ago. We watched the ceremony until it ended and then went to bed.

That morning, over a thousand people assembled on the lawn surrounding the pool to watch the next step in the initation process. The first six recruits stepped up onto the platform with Niero and each grapped a zipline handlebar. At a signal from Niero, a switch was pulled and the entire machine cranked to life. The zipline shot the recruits toward the water and then, right when they were about to splash, took a very abrupt upward direction. Most of the recruit lost their grip at that moment but one of them managed to hold on long enough to use the sudden change in direction to slingshot himself a good 40 yards into the deep end. The next thing I knew I was talking to Niero himself and said, "I love seeing who will fall and who will soar." And he said to me, "I just like watching their faces. That's why we set up the camera to take pictures. Just like in a roller coaster."

The day ended with a very annoying ringing going off around the yard. Chad, with a very happy smile on his face, said, "Yay!! It's monday!!"

Then I woke up.

So Niero, Collette, this is what I suggest you do with all that 'money' you have lying around. Build a huge house somewhere in FL where we can have Dtoid army initiations in peace ok? Then you'll really have yourself your very own cult. Now how awesome would that be??

I also think I should stop eating pickles and nacho cheese for dinner while reading Dtoid before bed.


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