[I write this hunkered down against a meme storm. I only hope my words somehow reach you. God help us all.]
I can't imagine I'm alone when I say that I'm working on a blog or two, However, that requires work and really, who wants that? That's why we're making robots who will never ever enslave us. In a desperate bid to dodge anything like effort, I've boiled down and sewn together the pieces of the perfect blog here, a flawless Frankenblog that will bring me the internet fame I so richly deserve for reasons that defy explanation.
As you may have guessed, like any good Dtoider, I hunger for the coveted
Topsauce. At the end of the day, blog written or not, I stare at the list in the recaps, desperately seeking my name, then time and time again I throw back my head and howl my sorrows to the heavens that scorned me my place in this vahalla of bloggers. But never again! I've carefully studied the cbog recaps like a Buddhist monk seeking enlightenment and I've finally culled together the elements of topsauce.
Any combination of the following ingredients has the power to thrust a blog into divinity's graces, but like the alchemists of old I will endeavor to combine them all and forge therein the toppest of sauces!
1. Originality
What's so original about this list among all the others? The answer should be obvious to the refined eye. Yours is a refined eye, isn't it? Good, I thought so.
2. Well thought out ideas.
Yeah, I'll get around to this.
3. Good writing
Look at these sentences, full of words and clauses and articles. Heck, I even remembered to never use a preposition to end a sentence on.
4. Make it personal
I have worn a red tutu and a tiara. These were separate occasions. I preferred the tutu.
5. Be Y0j1mb0
If I kill him, do I become him? Or can I just grow an awesomer beard? Sadly, both are impossible.
6. Humour and wit
Nope. Next!
7. Titillation
8. Great art
See above.
9. Originality
Can't be stressed enough.
10. Bribes
I don't have much in the way of money, but if you're willing to be flexible, I am too ; )
(that was a promise of sexual favours, not physical flexibility. My toes live as far away from the rest of my body as they can get. I took the hint and left them alone years ago)
And so, here we are, my ascendancy secured. Follow me Dtoiders and you find the peak. The summit. The top!
Beyamor's blog
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so yeah..
11.Don't post during Meme days.
Also, Yojimbo will mess you up with his Samurai style. Instead, seek to become his student. Learn his ways from the master.
Try that out. It worked for me.
Yeah, I hear you. I considered not publishing this, but a) figured the contrast with everything else out there helped and b) lacked the common sense to not do so.
@ArcticFox
No worries, meme days are what they are. And I can't help but worry that Y0j1mb0's ways hinge on messing me up. Becoming his student just brings me into easy striking distance.
@Xzyliac
Perfectly natural, everyone discovers strange new emotions around bikini-clad meat.
@RenegadePanda
Just wait until Speedo Ham makes its debut.
12. Post a knee jerk rant about something really stupid that that day's recapper happens to completely agree with.
Also, either mentioning "Jim Sterling" or "Games are/aren't Art" in your header gets you a minimum 70 comments.
I remembered when I first started writing and I checked the styles of each recapper and if their interests matched mine, I would post on those days they would read it. Does't really work as much nowadays since I think they're used to me, but I think it was a useful strategy to get noticed.
Don't post on a weekend either. Nobody reads anything on a weekend.
I think Front Page blogs are a mix of search 'keywords' and subjects that isn't so obvious. Look at this month's musing; it's really easy to just fall into the same cliche and sound like everyone else. Just go the opposite direction, with a few gaming name checks and you'll do fine.
Topsauce dis shit
That's, uh, actually way better advice than anything I could approach. Any topsauce this blog receives is at this point a culmination of the comments more than anything else.