435 times. I'll say it again, 435 times. I have died FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE TIMES while playing Spelunky. And as of now, I have played 436 games.

If you haven't played Spelunky, the significance of that math may be lost on you, but before I elaborate on it, I think it bears repeating.

436 plays - 435 losses = 1 gorram, mother-frakking WIN.

In my mind, it's now impossible that there is no day in my honour, no golden statue that sweats diamonds in my image, no editing of every book on earth so that every single page contains nothing but a picture of my face to ensure future children will know nothing but the unrelenting glory of my time on earth. But since it doesn't look like any of that's going to happen, let's take a breath and plunge into Spelunky.


No restructuring of all languages so the root of every word is "Bey"...

Spelunky is a game made by Derek Yu that was covered in an Indie Nation and a few other places on the site. The basic premise of the game is that you, as a Jonesian character, are plumbing the depths of some progressively-generated cave/tomb/temple aided by only your whip, bombs, ropes and wits and hunting for the treasure that saturates the very walls of the place. You can run, you can jump and you can throw. And let's not forget, you can die.

There're things that spice up the basics. Rescuing damsels will give you more health, there are pieces of equipment that let you jump higher or hold onto walls and weapons will give you an edge - for what good it'll do you.

Have I mentioned yet that if you play this game, you will die? You will fall and die. You will run into a trap and you will die. A spider will jump on you and you will die. You will jump on a frog, bounce off, grab onto a ledge to avoid a pit of spikes and you will die when that same frog explodes. The beauty of this game though, is that it'll probably be your fault.


You will probably not catch syphilis and die.

It's hard to express how invigorating this game is. It's unforgivingly difficult, especially for someone like me with the coordination of two drunken octopuses, but (almost) every death feels like it's a result of you doing something wrong rather than the game throwing some unwinnable circumstance at you. Even more, you gain something from every death, some new technique or at least an idea of what you're doing wrong. Getting better doesn't demand rote memorization of levels as they're all randomly generated - instead, Spelunky requires you to experiment, study and learn and every playthrough presents a new challenge to think through. It's incredibly rewarding to make progress because each bit is earned.

The snowflake-unique levels make for this game's second fantastic trait - emergent gameplay. The game's simple but well-defined elements blend together to make a wholly natural world veined with pockets of chaos. Many situations are pretty similar and can be solved with standard techniques, but now again something for which there can be no expectation pops up. While it's unimportant to describe any single point of insanity, the feeling of sheer what-the-ballsicles was that? after one is amazing.

Some of that results from player decisions - using damsels to solve traps or dealing with shopkeepers as Anthony mentions in the Indie Nation linked above - and some of it is the product of the distinct levels, but all of it makes the game inexhaustibly interesting.

There's a lot to say about Spelunky - it's challenging in a rewarding way and provides simple mechanics in a setting that allows infinite entertainment - but anything I can say will pale before your own experience. Go play Spelunky. Lose a few games, a few hours and a few hairs when you tear them out of your head. It is singly one of the most engaging game's I've played.

And just a reminder: I won. And laughed and laughed and laughed. And now, I have some highscores to beat.


435 times. Poor guy could probably use a drink...