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Shoot the Breeze: It Was All A Dream - Destructoid

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I知 a gamer. Take a minute and get over that shock. I can say I知 an Xbox man, though I値l support anything that advances gaming (I love you Sackboy). I致e also got a DS Chunky, so I can take this whole nerd thing on the road.

As far as genres, shooters and western RPGs top my list. Halo, Fable, and Morrowind, for instance, rock my socks hard. Of course other things, stuff like Animal Crossing and Kingdom Hearts, do their share of stocking rocking.

In the world outside of buttons and pixels, I知 an engineering student (that nerd thing I mentioned? I do it hardcore) on the west coast of the Great White North. I知 a fan of a harder rock, bands like Breaking Benjamin and Hurt, though I値l kick it (very much figuratively) to stuff ranging from The Fray through Franz Ferdinand to Five Finger Death Punch. Optimus Prime is my hero, but I do love Starscream. Finally, thumbs up to you for reading this. You池e never getting that time back.


Kirbey by the talented and generously endowed (probably) Enkido
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Hi! I'm going to use the publish manager to get this guy on the blog roll after I've got to bed because I'm tired and that sounds like a good idea. Hello from the past! Let's get to it!

Figment



Short story short, Destructoid's own Yorda had a hand in creating an XBL Indie Game, Figment, and gave it out to a few of us lucky saps. Now, lucky I may not be, but a sap I certainly am, so I ended up with one of the codes. All caught up? Great. Let's talk about Figment like I meant to weeks ago but put off because I'm a jerk.

The game is set in a young boy's nightmarish night and stars his action figures-become-gaurdians, all of which is explained in a single scrolling pane at the onset. If there's one thing I can say here, it's that the presentation is great. The game looks luscious, which Hi! I'm going to use the publish manager to get this guy on the blog roll after I've got to bed because I'm tired and that sounds like a good idea. Hello from the past! Let's get to it! Figment Short story short, Destructoid's own Yorda had a hand in creating an XBL Indie Game, Figment, and gave it out to a few of us lucky saps. Now, lucky I may not be, but a sap I certainly am, so I ended up with one of the codes. All caught up? Great. Let's talk about Figment like I meant to weeks ago but put off because I'm a jerk. The game is set in a young boy's nightmarish night and stars his action figures-become-gaurdians, all of which is explained in a single scrolling pane at the onset. If there's one thing I can say here, it's that the presentation is great. The game looks luscious, which is no surprise if you've ever gawked at Yorda's work, then shaken your fist ruefully at the sky because your own is the scribblings of a child raised on a diet of paint chips and Arby's by comparison. It's just really solid visually, particularly the enemies, all of whom are transformed back into commonplace bedroom items on their deaths, much as I fear I will turn back into the bath towel I began life as when my end comes. So, anyway, that's the good part. The part I'm less keen writing about is the actual gameplay. Like a bandage, okay? Never since I realized you don't actually need to release the controller to enjoy Wii Bowling have I come so dangerously close to letting one fly. Alright, whoa, let's salvage what we can here. Now, the game's an action platformer and a good half of that is largely inoffensive. Most of my combat boiled down to mashing the attack button like it was free resuscitation day in the cardiac arrest ward and I was the only doctor trained in chest pounding, but it's enjoyable enough. Jumping, kicking, the whole bit. Not inspired, but palatable. But the platforming. You remember how Prometheus was chained to a rock and every day, without fail, an eagle would eat his liver? This is sort of like that, except that while the eagle is pecking out your organs, you have to jump on top of it. Tiny platforms, controls that float like they imbibed Willy Wonka's Fizzy Lifting Drink, and insta-skill surfaces as far as the eye can see. I have slid across platforms and cursed. I have jumped fractionally too high reaching a door, hit spikes, and cursed. I have made it past a finicky bit, been shot to death by a dragonfly, and reinvented cursing as a language unto itself. I don't want to rag on the game too hard because it's obvious the creators have tried and for a first effort on their parts, it's not altogether bad, but I simply cannot bring myself to play further. I'll admit, it's not a genre I'm particularly adept at, but even beyond the problems I have with the jumping around, I can't get past the bizarre decisions not to offer checkpoints at the start of every room, to prohibit one of the two characters from the utterly vital double jump, and to have absolutely no saving. It was tough enough for me to get through the levels I did, but knowing I had to face them again every time I turned on the game is too much of a wall for me to get past. All in all, playing Figment is a lot like going to a bar filled with pretty women who slap you if you so much as look at them, or my every experience with women ever. There is, I think, enjoyment to be had for those looking, but I can't bring myself to find it. Even for the problems I had, there are bright points. If you're a fan of the genre, try it out. A co-op platformer is a grand idea and at a buck, if you're looking for something to test your mettle, you're in for a treat. Ugh, I did not enjoy writing this. That's The Game With The Stick? And while we're on death-filled platformers, I just picked up that monochrome masterpiece Limbo. I am having fun. That fun comes at the expense of a young child's suffering. The best fun always does. Oh boy, I have died a lot. I love that the deaths don't, on the whole, feel unfair or, in retrospect, unavoidable, but there are a lot of them. And I love that I feel smart for getting through the puzzles. The last time I felt that way was back in kindergarten, right up until I asked the teacher if mixing purple and orange makes porange or orple. Still haven't gotten an answer there, by the way. But yeah, it's a lot of fun. Not masochistically difficult, but enough of challenge to be worth the pursuit. And gosh, is it pretty. A few times now I've set the controller down and simply drunk in the environment. The soft  flicker at the edges of the screen and the fearful but somehow warm black tickle my soul and the sparkling light manages to leave me with hope even though everything else is digging an endless chasm of fear into the depths of my being. The sound is minimalistic but effective and more than made up for by the effects of yours truly. At the gruesome twists and grim turns, I've, and this is embarrassing, actually started supplementing the game's audio environment with my own zoo of gasps, whimpers, and extended winces. There's a lot to take in and it's sort of spilling out of my head, through my mouth, and into the air. All around, it's a good time. I don't know exactly how things'll shape up, but I'm looking forward to finding out. I will reiterate though that this game's disturbing provocation is certainly having an effect. As a practicing arachnophobe, I may never stop quivering. Beyamorcast By popular demand! http://www.podbean.com/podcast-download?b=303059&f=http://beyamorcast.podbean.com/mf/web/a86uhj/beyamorcast1.mp3   Downlaod Now, I haven't had a chance to listen to it myself yet, but I'm prepared to assure you it meets the high standard set by all my productions. Nihil is a Cool Guy and Other Facts 笳 Yeah, I don't know what it is about him, but it needs to be said.  笳 Today I drop the nuke the in arms race of questionable musical taste Law has joined. I spent an hour or two today listening to Paramore. Top that. Oh, don't give me that look. They used to, well, maybe not rock, but there was a time in their lives when they had not written a song for Twilight and that was pretty okay. 笳 I'm starting to think I need a music coach or something. Someone to grab one of the earphones and give me directions. "Sure, yep, good, alright, hey - is that Hoobastank? Drop the mp3 and give me twenty son." 笳 And maybe a joke coach. I'm going to be giving a lot of twenties. 笳 When did Raisin Bran get so stingy with the raisins? Today I poured myself a big ol' bowl of bran. Mm. You're supposed to be eating through the bran for the raisins, where's the incentive if it's just the flakes? 笳 Does milk expire on the expiry date or good until then, inclusive? Mind you, unless it keeps for two weeks after that, I'm in trouble either way. 笳 Milk jokes aside, does peanut butter go bad? I realized today I've been eating from a jar I  inherited from a roommate over a year ago. It tastes bad, but I figured that was just because it was unsweetened. Maybe I should talk to an adult about this. 笳 Because I'm a winner, I've been wearing my Destructoid shirt for the past two days. I guess a part of me is hoping when I'm out and about in the world at large, I'll bump into someone who recognizes the duds. Remember kids, you see someone with a Dtoid shirt, you gotta say hi. And don't forget the secret handshakes. 笳 I love getting in a game with the Xbox FNFers, but I always come away feeling like a jerk. Open apology time? Guys, I'm sorry I'm so bad at talking, both the overwhelming silences and the thoroughly underwhelming things I do get out. I'm just really bad at it, please don't hate me forever. 笳 This has gone on longer than it should have. I'm usually after about a thousand words and I'm pretty sure we shot past that. I have other bits and pieces I'd like to throw in, but this is for the best. As we close, I'd like to include one last picture. See, I'm afraid Mr. Andy Dixon doesn't love me anymore, so I drew him a picture to beg for a space in his heart. It's a bald eagle made of boners. Most of the picture had to be censored.



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