Review: Madden (some kind of number) - Destructoid

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My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.
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So a bunch of people have asked me to review another game I have never played, so I decided to go with a game that everyone tells me is popular (I've never heard of it) Madden. 

I went to YouTube today to watch some gameplay videos, and now here's my impression:

First off: There are a lot of characters, so it seems to me like this is some kind of Musou-wannabe. However, keep in mind that just because there are more characters than Dynasty Warriors, it doesn't make this a better game. Far from it.


The combat is just terrible. All characters have the same movesets and NO WEAPONS! That's right, they just use their hands. They don't even punch either, they just tackle people. Worst combo system ever!

Oh yeah, and about the special musou attacks: THERE AREN'T ANY! No weapons, no combos, and no specials. Terrible.

And the plot... I don't even think there is one. There's no General to save, no kingdom to conquer, nothing like that. Everybody seems to just want a little brown ball. Seriously. It's not even a well formed ball! It's all oval-shaped and fucked up!

The ball also messes with the gameplay too. Every time someone carrying the ball gets knocked down, they have to stop everything and dick around for a few minutes. Lu Bu wouldn't need to take a break, you wimps!

Can anyone provide me with a decent challenge? Obviously not these assholes!

The graphics are the only saving grace. The character models themselves are okay, I guess. But they all have the same basic design. Dynasty Warriors has a lot of characters too, but at least they took the time to do artwork for each of the main ones instead of just copy and pasting them!

Also, what's with the random crowd of people watching you? Not only am I confused by their presence, but you can't even see them! Are they all demons from Jacobs Ladder with blurry faces? Terrifying!

Okay, so here's my final, super objective and accurate verdict:

No combos, no specials, no character variety, slow action that feels like it needs to hold your hand all the way through, and creepy faceless people always watching. 

On top of it all, they took the plot away from ancient China and put it into the middle of nowhere. I don't know who Madden is, but he knows NOTHING about Romance of the 3 Kingdoms.

Simply put: This is the worst Musou game ever!
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