Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts


Benny Disco blog header photo

Benny Disco's blog

  Make changes   Set it live in the post manager. Need help? There are FAQs at the bottom of the editor.
Benny Disco avatar 11:16 PM on 12.25.2013  (server time)
Review: Christmas

So it's about 11:30 where I am, which means Christmas is almost over, and I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't pen a proper review for the much-loved holiday. So here it goes:


The holiday relies mostly on gift-giving as the primary gameplay mechanic, and I feel that this was in incredibly poor choice by the developers. People have to go out and buy each other gifts and figure out what they want? Seems so impractical. Why can't people just buy themselves something and cut out the middle man?

Controls are extremely clunky, especially when maneuvering through heavy traffic to buy presents. The difficulty spikes here immensely and could really use a patch.

Another point I should mention is that the game is almost unwinnable. I must have ruined Christmas about 17 times in the past few days, and that's not even counting the time I stuck my dick in the holiday ham (In my defense it was a really sexy ham)! There's just too much risk and not enough reward for the effort.


The visuals for Christmas consist mainly of cheesy decorations, multi-colored lights, and images of enslaved little people and strange bearded men breaking into houses and/or leering at small children. Not only is this extremely problematic, it's also incredibly disturbing for a holiday that advertises itself as "cheery." It would have been more accurately labeled a "survival horror" holiday.


The soundtrack is certainly the weakest part of Christmas. The same repetitive songs are played over and over, even though none of them are any good. I must have heard "Rocking around the Christmas Tree" about a hundred times, and the only good part of that song is the part where it sounds like she says "we're gonna have some fucking pie."

Seriously, would it hurt to have songs that aren't trying to be so "happy?" Maybe they can get the guy who wrote the battle theme from Devil May Cry 3 to make a song or something.


Essentially the story is this: A man named Santa lives in the North Pole and uses his slaves to make toys for children, and now everyone has to... buy presents?

There's also some connection to Christianity that's not entirely accurate and some pagan elements and some mythology from alpine countries and coca cola and shit. It's all very confusing and I feel like I've entered into the series to late to really understand the plot, much like someone playing Metal Gear Solid 4 before the other games.

Now I am become Santa, destroyer of worlds...


In short, Christmas is certainly not worth your time or money. Not only does it seem underdeveloped and rushed, but some terrible decision-making and an over-complicated story just make the entire thing feel unnecessary.

I would definitely recommend celebrating another holiday next year, like Krampus. No one expects you to go out of your way with Krampus, they're just happy they're not being tortured and eaten alive by a cloven-hoofed demon. 

They seem... oddly relaxed...

Thanks for reading, everyone!

   Reply via cblogs

Get comment replies by email.     settings

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our comment moderators

Can't see comments? Anti-virus apps like Avast or some browser extensions can cause this. Easy fix: Add   [*]   to your security software's whitelist.

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -