Quantcast
Community Discussion: Blog by Benny Disco | Review: ChristmasDestructoid
Review: Christmas - Destructoid






click to hide banner header
About
My name is Benny. I work full time in a freak show eating live chickens, and I work part time as Brendan Fraser's scrotum cleanser.

I play video games sometimes, but most of the time I'm too poor and don't have enough free time. I still like talking about them though.
Player Profile
Follow me:
Benny Disco's sites
Badges
Following (4)  

Benny Disco
11:16 PM on 12.25.2013



So it's about 11:30 where I am, which means Christmas is almost over, and I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't pen a proper review for the much-loved holiday. So here it goes:



Gameplay:

The holiday relies mostly on gift-giving as the primary gameplay mechanic, and I feel that this was in incredibly poor choice by the developers. People have to go out and buy each other gifts and figure out what they want? Seems so impractical. Why can't people just buy themselves something and cut out the middle man?



Controls are extremely clunky, especially when maneuvering through heavy traffic to buy presents. The difficulty spikes here immensely and could really use a patch.

Another point I should mention is that the game is almost unwinnable. I must have ruined Christmas about 17 times in the past few days, and that's not even counting the time I stuck my dick in the holiday ham (In my defense it was a really sexy ham)! There's just too much risk and not enough reward for the effort.



Graphics:

The visuals for Christmas consist mainly of cheesy decorations, multi-colored lights, and images of enslaved little people and strange bearded men breaking into houses and/or leering at small children. Not only is this extremely problematic, it's also incredibly disturbing for a holiday that advertises itself as "cheery." It would have been more accurately labeled a "survival horror" holiday.



Music:

The soundtrack is certainly the weakest part of Christmas. The same repetitive songs are played over and over, even though none of them are any good. I must have heard "Rocking around the Christmas Tree" about a hundred times, and the only good part of that song is the part where it sounds like she says "we're gonna have some fucking pie."



Seriously, would it hurt to have songs that aren't trying to be so "happy?" Maybe they can get the guy who wrote the battle theme from Devil May Cry 3 to make a song or something.



Story:

Essentially the story is this: A man named Santa lives in the North Pole and uses his slaves to make toys for children, and now everyone has to... buy presents?



There's also some connection to Christianity that's not entirely accurate and some pagan elements and some mythology from alpine countries and coca cola and shit. It's all very confusing and I feel like I've entered into the series to late to really understand the plot, much like someone playing Metal Gear Solid 4 before the other games.


Now I am become Santa, destroyer of worlds...

Summary:

In short, Christmas is certainly not worth your time or money. Not only does it seem underdeveloped and rushed, but some terrible decision-making and an over-complicated story just make the entire thing feel unnecessary.




I would definitely recommend celebrating another holiday next year, like Krampus. No one expects you to go out of your way with Krampus, they're just happy they're not being tortured and eaten alive by a cloven-hoofed demon. 


They seem... oddly relaxed...

Thanks for reading, everyone!
Photo Photo Photo



Is this blog awesome? Vote it up!




Those who have come:



Comments not appearing? Anti-virus apps like Avast or some browser extensions can cause this.
Easy fix: Add   [*].disqus.com   to your software's white list. Tada! Happy comments time again.

Did you know? You can now get daily or weekly email notifications when humans reply to your comments.


Back to Top




All content is yours to recycle through our Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing requiring attribution. Our communities are obsessed with videoGames, movies, anime, and toys.

Living the dream since March 16, 2006

Advertising on destructoid is available: Please contact them to learn more