Um... How do I say this...

It's... Difficult to put it in such a simple way...

"Just say it, man."

Think so?

"It's all we've got, say it."

Fine: It's hard to find anything wrong with this thing! It's got enhanced controls, widescreen, 3D that doesn't make you look like a ass while using it, a buttload of launch titles, and plenty of power. Nintendo just showed up to E3 all 'What's up bitches? Who wants some organ-vaporizingly breathtaking innovation? How 'bout a new platform? Maybe some returning franchises? What would you say if we said that it was all in the same thing, and that it fits in your pocket? BAM! We're genies!'

And as I watch, I try to find something to worry about. But it's just... Flawless...

"Really? You can't find anything wrong with it? I think you're focusing too much on what we already know, and not enough on what we don't."

What do you mean?

"I mean you usually have such fire for criticism, where's that fire? Where's the passion? You just wrote a big article on opinions! You got mad at opinions, man!"

Hey! I get mad when I hear a thousand opinions and they're all the same! It's like having a thousand copies of a single game: Doesn't matter how good the game is, or how articulate the opinion is, I don't need 1000!

"There we go!"

Also, what kind of media does it use? Are we getting a high-density card based media? Or is it something larger? Real cartridges perhaps? And what's with this left side? That stick looks like I need to use it before I make a decision, but whose idea was it to put the D-Pad so low? How am I supposed to play Castlevania on that?

"Is it even backwards compatible? Like you said, we don't even know the media yet."

Excellent point! And moving on to the rest of this press conference, what's with this Kirby game? Not that I didn't want another Kirby game, but yarn? The backgrounds look like they came from Yoshi's Story! It looks like it could be an excellent new IP, but it's doesn't say 'Kirby' to me.

"That's it! Now what do you think of this Donkey Kong Country game?"

Solid.

"That was a combo breaker."

We don't get combos. We suck at those games, remember?

"We have an awful memory, remember?"

Nope.

"Oh, you're awful."

No, you're awful. That's why I'm not going to be doing this format again.

"What if you get positive feedback from this?"

I guess I'll clear out the back room for you then. It's pretty big, and close to the bathroom. Kinda musty though.

"You think anyone got the 'double' joke?"

Probably not.