No More Heroes is praised as being one of the best games on the Wii, and many people are looking forward to the sequel coming out this year; I'm not one of them. Personally, I think this game got put on a pedestal because when it came out, there was nothing else like it on the Wii. But upon closer inspection, you can see the very large faults in this game such as the fact that Holly Summers is totally broken, Travis is a disrespectful shit (Did I say that out loud?), the combat sucks, and the graphics do not justify the shadow-lag. Read on to see why I did not review this game, but instead chose to tell you my experience with it.

Well I don't really know where to start, should I begin with the bullshit open-world mechanic, the nightmarish driving, or the people that wouldn't let me live down not playing the game? (John Holmes, I'm looking at you. I'm also trying to look at this guy named Keith, but he's not in the room now, so it's kind of difficult.)

So many things on this god-forsaken Wii Optical Disc to mock, so much room on this blog; Alright, let's start with the combat - It's good, if you like repetitive crap. Now, there's a reason Nintendo went with the motion-control scheme on the Wii, they wanted developers to be creative with games and their controls. But Suda decided to go with button-mashing... For a Wii game... I know, it doesn't make any sense to me either. If you ask me which I would rather have, button-mashing or waggle, I'll take waggle everytime because it's actually fun and it doesn't accelerate the deterioration of my wrists. (And now I'm looking at you RE4 QTE's. Ah, c'mon now, don't do that! Ass... ) Really, Suda did at least try to institute waggle in NMH. The finishers used Wiimote flicks and so did the wrestling moves. (Which really aren't 'wrestling moves' so much as they are grabs and combos.) Anyway, my verdict on the combat is that it is boring, uninspired, and monotonous. MOVING ON...


I coulda seen this playing MadWorld. And I wouldn't have had to pay $19 to get it.

Well, I guess I'll cover the overworld now. The town of Santa Destroy is a dull, boring place with eight or nine points of interest. Your fastest way around town is your motorcycle, which despite being able to take multiple crashes whereas the vehicle flips completely over at a speed of 5 MPH, cannot turn to save your life. The minimap is virtually useless due to the fact that it is almost always covered in Free-Flight Mission markers and you can't see where you actually want to go. I'm just glad that it won't bother anyone in NMH2.

Now let's move on to the characters and story. The characters are really predictable and honestly, I wish most of them had more thought put into them. We get it, Thunder Ryu's a homo, and Slyvia's a goddamn lunatic, but other than that, the characters don't really have that many characteristics. Mostly, the story couldn't hold my attention long enough and I don't remember most of it. So there ya go.


TRAVIS YOU FUGEN IDIOT SHOULDA KILLED THAT BITCH THE SECOND YOU SAW 'ER. LEAD ME ON SOME 20-HOUR BULLCRAP I WANT MA MONEY BACK.

Now we move onto the parts of this game I wanted to single out and attack individually - Which includes the recharging animation.

First, the phone calls, they break up the pace of the levels and are just a bad idea. And the only way to hear them is if you use the Wii Remote Speaker. And, of course, it's common knowledge that the only people who leave the speaker on are massive tools - And that's putting it lightly.

Second, the recharging, WE GET IT TRAVIS IS MASTURBATING. HAHAHA. I wouldn't have understood the reference if I hadn't watched it in Storm's Adventures. And the people who get the reference the first time they see it are, you guessed it, massive fucking tools. And while people may have thought it was funny the first time, chances are they aren't laughing the fiftieth time.

Third, I know what games I like and what I games I won't like, so please unless I say I want a good argument on why I should play a game please should your goddamn mouth and we can both get on with our lives.

Finally,Travis needs to get a real job, a haircut, and a real weapon. Seriously, lightsabers? Yes, I call them lightsabers, because that's what they are. Not this re-branding as 'beam katana' bullcrap they're trying to pull. GET A REAL SWORD, MAN.


Now THOSE are weapons!

Oh, and Travis looks and behaves quite alot like my brother Joe, which may have contributed to what I think about the game.

Long story short, I was right all along.