1. Poltergust 3000

Origin Game: Luigi's Mansion

Common Uses: Cleaning, dispelling otherworldly entities, containing said entities for prolonged periods of time.

Do you live outside New York? Do you have an abnormal amount of dark places in your home? Do you or someone you know have any problem with spirits not native to this plane of existence? If you answered 'Yes' to any of those questions, you're at risk of a ghost attack. Ghost attacks aren't a game, they cause millions in collateral damage every year. Since 2001, Professor Elvin Gadd has taken a non-nuclear stand against ghosts; With his extraordinary Poltergust 3000, you can clean your home of: Waist-high piles of dust, banana peels, and any ghosts! Be they human ghosts, animal ghosts, amorphous ghosts, boss ghosts, or ghosts of manifestation, no ghost is safe from the company-exclusive power and storage pressure of the Poltergust 3000!


A novice Poltergust operator in action at a local convention center.

2. Dragon Claw

Origin Game: Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest

Common Uses: Latching onto posts, hoisting user across gaps, killing monsters.

In this wonderful addition to the SNES library, we are introduced to this substitute for a grappling hook that can hoist it's lucky user across gaps (Bottomed and bottomless alike.) in excess of 40 ft. while maintaining cord rigidity! With no batteries to change, no messy fuel to mix, no solar cells to charge, and the patented Never-Snap™ rope, you can focus all your time on grinding to kill that big boss at the end of the area! No Hero, Knight, Warlord, Prince, King, Coming-of-age squire, or cautious citizen should leave home without a Dragon Claw! Buy one now for the low price of 9000G, and we'll even give you the Apollo Helm for free! Just pay shipping and handling, and smite that ogre next door by the end of the week!

(Arrival times will vary depending on region. Please ask your operator for estimates on shipping, handling, insurance, and arrival time. We cannot guarantee that the Dragon Claw will be highly effective against all ogres. Please examine your target ogre species extensively before taking any action. If further help is required, our operators can link you directly to experts skilled in support of the extermination of most varieties of monsters.)


Benjamin, the Hero of this particular land, demonstrating the Dragon Claw.

3. Beam Katana

Origin Game: No More Heroes

Common Uses: Cutting up henchmen. (Firefox Auto-Correct kept tellin' me I was trying to spell 'Frenchmen.' While cutting up Frenchmen is fun, that isn't the primary use of the beam katana... Unless they were French henchmen!)

There alot of reasons to use beam katanas. For one, they're downright intimidating; If you saw a guy walking around with a glowing sword made of energy, you'd avoid him. Now if my brother Joe, or a guy who looked like him (Travis Touchdown), had a beam katana, I'd turn and walk away. 'Cause chances are he'd use it! And as most of us know, he does! More so, I can pull enough bullshit out of my pocket to explain how one of these things works. Third, it's very difficult to look bad while holding a beam katana. Am I right? Travis couldn't do it once! Fourth, it's more of a laser truncheon unless you really get it going. Fifth, they just look cool. (Now if I actually wanted to kill someone, I'd go with an arm mounted chainsaw. However they require more finesse...)


Bid! Bid ! Bid!

4. Crossbow

Origin Game: Medievil

Common Uses: Shooting undead hoards.

Are those evil zombies created by Zarok gettin' ya down? Is your arm tired from swingin' that big, heavy blade? Are you low on Life Bottles? Well, we've the perfect product for you; The Crossbow! Yes the Crossbow, a classic tool of ruthless barbarians and noble knights alike. You can nail demons from a thousand yards with this glorious contraption and still have an arm free to hold a shield thanks to the super-light super-rugged construction! As well as being a great value, this crossbow is also fully automatic! No chains to keep untangled, just grab up to 200 crossbow bolts, hold down the trigger, and rain fury down upon demons from behind corners with the rebound functionality! No need to purchase special arrows, just use any crossbow bolts you have lying around because the Crossbow is fully compatible with 95% of arrows! Order now and receive 1000 bolts for the cost of shipping!


Sir Dan approves.

5. Sean Devlin's Car (But With Machine Guns.)

Origin Game: The Saboteur

Common Uses: Killin' Nazis. (In my head, I'm saying 'Nazis' like 'Nah-zees' instead of the usual 'Not-zes')

Alright, I know you can get this in The Saboteur. There's an Achievement on XBL for shooting some Nazi General's car to bits with the machine guns, so I know it can be done.


We can do it, gentlemen. We have the technology. Granted it's all from the 40's, and that car might be even older than that.

6. The Ripper

Origin Game: Duke Nukem 3D

Common Uses: Sausage production.

This gun is my favorite weapon from any FPS. Ever. Runnin' around, blastin' the shit out of everything I see, good times... Good times... (Not that I ever beat Duke Nukem 3D, it just confused the shit out of me. I can never find my way around an FPS unless it has a decent minimap. But because of 'player realism' and 'nonlinear level design,' we don't get minimaps anymore! Isn't that a load of horseshit? All I'm asking for is a map!)


Duke Nukem + The Ripper + Building Full Of Aliens = Swiss Cheese Factory. Also, I think this guy is usin' cheat codes. I mean, he's got full ammo for nearly every gun, he's got full armor, full health, a full medkit, and all the keycards; Isn't that a little suspicious?

7. Sky Pop

Origin Game: Super Mario Land

Common Uses: Y'know what? Guess. Just guess.

I think we're all overlooking a technological marvel here. Mario's got a plane that CAN FLY STRAIGHT UP. He doesn't need to turn or use a second propulsion system, it does it with a front prop! Despite being in the age of Predator drones, we still haven't come close to this sort of machinery!


HOLY SHITBALLS.

8. Chibi-Robo

Origin Game: Chibi-Robo! Plug Into Adventure!

Common Uses: The back of the box says 'He cooks, he cleans, he annihilates!' YOU CANNOT CHALLENGE THE AUTHORITY OF THE BACK OF THE BOX.

You knew it was coming, didn't you? Y'know, some of my friends say I'm not creative for putting something Chibi-Robo related on every list I make, but I say to them "You say I'm not creative, but I somehow find a way to think up subjects where I can always weasel something Chibi-Robo related in there." And that usually shuts 'em up pretty well. Anyway, a 4-inch tall robot who cleans my entire house, dispatches any robotic trespassers, helps solve my personal problems, and never needs any help?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now hold on one second readers, I have a dilemma. I have two very good pictures of Chibi-Robo, but I can only use one or else I'll make the list look cramped. So I ask my readers, which picture should I use?

This one:


I didn't make this. 'This' Being both the picture and the mess.

Or this one: (Which may hint at a crossover.)


That's just interesting, to say the least.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While you're deciding on those pictures, I'll finish this up. Ahem- OPEN THE SOCK DRAWER!!! Yes, that's a reference to It's Always Sunny. Actually, I was thinking about making that a running gag. Y'know, having a Sunny reference in all my stuff. What do you think? Yes or no? Also, the pictures, which 'un? And while I'm askin' you guys all this stuff, have any of you played Toxie-Radd yet? Sprinkle a little Crunchdown in your day?