Portal is a game I was very interested in for a very long time. Everywhere people told me that I needed to play it. 'Need?' That's a strong word. 'Need' implies a necessity; Something that is required for life to continue. Portal is not a need. Portal is no longer a desire. Portal is what it is, and I am not pleased.

With Portal? No, I'm talking about you guys!

How could you have fooled yourself into thinking that this game deserved more than 70 awards?

I mean, it's good, but it's not that good.


Behold, CANNONCROTCH. Actually, Cannoncrotch is a game made by the same guy that made Crunchdown. Played that yet?

When I downloaded Steam, I had no intention of getting any game other than Portal. And I got what I came for, so I left. But I then realized that THERE IS NO LEAVING STEAM. It will follow you to the ends of the Earth with it's countless ads and offers for miscellaneous games that I don't want. I really don't know who these ads are targeting! I... Is it... Me? Am I supposed to be reading this? Um, no thanks Valve, but I appreciate the offer(s).


I thought this was a 360 exclusive for bad reasons. Oh, wait that's Alan Wake.

Anyway, I was really impressed with server speed on the service. I was roaring at no less than 1.8 MB/s at any given time! I had a full game in less than a minute! The speed of my computer however, bogged down considerably. If Steam was a guy, and I had a conversation with him, it would go something like this:

"Hey man, you want Splinter Cell: Conviction?"

"No."

"Can use 60% of your CPU for nothing?"

"No. Leave."

"Oh c'man! 50% off Aliens Vs Predator!!"

"SHORYUKEN!!!"

"How'd you get the Heart Tank on Crystal Snail's stage?"

"You gotta boost jump with the ride armor, then jump out, then latch onto the wall using Strike Chain."

"Was that a reference to the fact that you just played through Megaman X2?"

"Yup."

Back to the point. That excitement was accentuated as I booted up the game, and I saw that trademark menu screen with simple font letters spelling out the game's various menu selections. I reached for my Dynex mouse, and started a new file.

I hate the song 'Still Alive.' I cannot stand nor I will not condone it. The radio in my cell was immediately picked up and strewn over the floor. I left the room in near-record time.

Anyway, I played through the first chapter, and was rather bored by it. But I know it serves a very important purpose; To introduce players to the concepts of Portal in a no-consequence environment. And the developer commentary shows that Valve prepared for every contingency.

The game has alot going for it, to say the least. It feels like nothing I've ever played before! It just feels so... Original. And the base concept is delightfully simple: Put something in one portal, it comes out the other unchanged. The game also looks really nice too. It never tries to get too fancy, just sweet round lines and clean colors throughout the main testing area.


I didn't have enough bullets for 'Hello.'

I forgot what I was going to say now.

Now I remember! The difficulty curve! That was it! Anyway, Portal is a poorly constructed game in this sense because instead of making the game more clever and challenging, Valve just decided to make the levels bigger and add time challenges to them because, and forgive me for paraphrasing the developer commentary here, but they were trying to make the game 'dramatic.'

Dramatic.

A puzzle game.

Are you kidding me?

No one cares if putting a block (THEY ARE NOT CUBES, THEY ARE BLOCKS.) on a switch is exhilarating, I just want this experience to get to the next puzzle.

Of course, having a game so short, some pacing issues are bound to pop up. The only solutions are to make the game insanely difficult from the beginning, or the have the entire game be pathetically easy. But what Portal does is crazy! The change is ridiculous!

Why does the game go from this...


My favorite test chamber.

To this?


Screw you, Valve.

And what's with the 'science lab' theme of this game? Not that it doesn't fit and the game and it doesn't pull it off well. I really enjoyed the look and feel of everything. But this game has so much wrong with it in the realm of science that actively outlining how much it violates would make your head explode!

Let's begin.

---------------------------------------------------Scientific Blunders On Valve's Part!----------------------------------------------------

1. You don't need an extradimensional device to travel between two points instantaneously. That is needlessly complex and challenges the laws of what humankind does and does not know. Besides, instantaneous transmission between points can be achieved with light in a simpler fashion.

2. While I was just talking about how great light is, you cannot have a platform moving along a beam of it. That is completely impossible. You cannot have a beam of light dense enough to support an object while not having it intense enough to destroy the receiver on the other end of the beam.

3. I don't care how great Aperture Labs is, you can't be that smart if you have a sentient computer watching over your entire facility. I know about the commentary and the 'Red Phone,' but if you add a requirement for human input at various points of the development of devices and their testing, you remove the 'Terminator' scenario altogether.

But who cares about any of that, the game is really fun even if I'm posting this on the day it's no longer available for free.


I've still got one arrow.