I've had this idea buzzing around in my head for the past month or so, and figured this'd be the last time in a while I'd be able to get it down in writing.

I was playing some Heroes and Heralds in Ultimate Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 and won a match using Taskmaster, of course his win quote was something about him being a mercenary and having photographic reflexes (The ability to see someone do any action within human possibility and be able to perfectly replicate that action without practice.).

So I thought, "Hey, what if Taskmaster starred in his own game where his photographic reflexes where a central mechanic?" He's a mercenary who works for whoever he feels like, so there could be a moral choice system or something. And he's relatively well-known in the Marvel universe, so you could have some headlining heroes and villians in the mix for PR screenshots or the back of the box. And he's a supposed business man who keeps getting found out by heroes and having to regroup, so there's your starting point in the story and why Tasky would probably need a bunch of upgrades and stuff.


Look at that design. Lovely.

Of course, it would have be a 3D beat 'em up in the vein of God Hand or Arkham Asylum, and there would be different equipable moves and different jobs to take that might affect each other. For example, if you took a job for SHIELD busting up some undercover Latverian weapon smuggling, and later tried to accept a job from Dr. Doom, you wouldn't get any firing support because none of his outer troops would have enough ammo to fight with. But if you kept on the SHIELD side, things would be easier because the enemies would run out of ammo while fighting because you interrupted their resupply. There would also be rewards for be loyal to one side and doing things that would be of great aid to them such as freeing prisoners or stealing enemy schematics. There would also be opportunities to double-cross your allies for lump-sum rewards like one-of-a-kind equipment or a signed poster of Charles Barkley.


All you'd have to do is erase Nick Fury's file in Pokemon. Would he have White or Black?

Time between missions and money earned could be spent on buying and watching videos of heroes in action to learn new techniques instantly. You could also buy new equipment like swords, shields, armor, bows, and such.

There's just one point I keep getting stuck on, and that's the crux of it all; The photographic reflexes. I was thinking there would be some light stealth elements (Think Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Guess it'd be kinda hard with a cape, though...) and a button you would press to make Taskmaster focus, then you would have to scope out someone and watch them. The longer you watch when a move isn't being done, the longer it takes to actually learn and master the move. i.e., If you focus and watch someone standing idle for a second before they do anything, you won't fill up your 'Ability Bar' as quickly or you won't get as many 'Ability Points' or whatever.


He knows you're looking at his crotch.

The more I think about it, the less I want to think about it.

I unabashedly love yard sales. Always have. Why? Dirt cheap merchandise. Most people don't know what they're sitting on. Some people know exactly what they've got. Some people just know enough to sell and not lose money. When you've gone to yard sales as long as I have, around as many people as I have, to as many different places as I have, you learn how it's done.

Yard sales, garage sales, flea markets, indoor auctions, whatever you call it, I call 'opportunity.' I come with a wallet full of singles and some change, and leave a lot heavier than when I came. I look for slammin' deals, and I get results.

So come with me as I show the latest spoils from my crusades into the world of junk and gold. And don't buy anything from that guy, trust me. I know he doesn't look like much, but ask him where he got his stuff and he'll tell you it 'fell off the back of a truck.' Yeah. Now as for Earl over there, people call him 'The Dead Guy,' because he was supposedly declared legally dead for 15 minutes before simply getting up and walking out of the hospital. I don't buy it, but anything he puts on the ground is a quarter; Beat that. Oh, and all his merchandise comes from dead people.

Let's skip ahead to the deals, shall we? Also, pictures of said deals are really bad, I hope you can cope.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Item: Donkey Kong 64 Cartridge
Price: $3
Condition: Excellent

Honestly, who doesn't like DK64? It was one of the N64's biggest games, and it was the game that most of us bought an Expansion Pak for.


Cue 'DK Rap.'

Item: Megaman Legends
Price: $3
Conditon: Good



I liked the sequel more, but I found an excellent deal here that I couldn't pass on. Even though I have no PS1, (There musta been at least 7 there.) I still found fit to pick this up. I also had an interesting conversation with the old guy selling the collection of games and it went along these lines:

Seller: "You like Megaman?"

Me: "I liked the second one more than the first."

Seller: "You mean Megaman Legends 2, or Megaman 2?"

Me: "Do you have Megaman 2 for sale?"

Seller: "I would never sell my copy of Megaman 2."

Me: "Damn..."


Original case is gone, but all in all, not a bad find. You just gotta dig. Be a Digger. Get it?

Item: Nintendo Gamecube w\controller, cables, and Memory Card 251.
Price: $10
Condition: Excellent



My old Gamecube died because someone (Not me.) kicked it because it wouldn't work the first time. When I get the chance, I am going to kick him in the nuts. I do not care what his wife says. The sellers also offered me some sports games for $1 a piece, but I told them they were worth more than that. The person I was with refused to shut up about this. "THAT'S NAWT HOW TU HAGGLE!!" "I really don't care."


Some minor deformations in the casing, but now I don't have to go to the living room to play WarioWorld.

Item: Model 1 SEGA Genesis w\ power supply, two normal controllers, one six-button controller, and eight cartridges.
Price: Free
Condition: Excellent



First off, this thing reeks of crotch! What the hell? Second, why no video cables? You can get rid of the two copies of FIFA Soccer '95, and various other sports games (Some of which still have promotional posters, mind you.) but you can't give me an RF cable? And if you're wondering about the price, someone was throwing it out- Er, I mean it fell off the back of a truck. I know right?






The A button on this one is very sticky. The other two work without a single problem.






Item: SEGA Dreamcast w\ power cable, online dial-up cable, and two memory cards.
Price: $2
Condition: Excellent

Now THIS is a slammin' deal! $2! Just two!! It works, but it has no video cables or controllers. (I caught so much shit for this. "WHY DIDJU BUY ET EF ET HAD NO CONTROLLER??" "Excuse me, where's your $2 video game system? You don't have one? Then shaddap.") Anyway, I plan to hang onto it until I can find a video cable and a controller.



Two SEGA's in one day; The business plan for SEGA circa-Saturn and my current luck. I know they say luck doesn't count for anything, because you can always just equip some accessory when you need it, but I always found it at least worthwhile to try to utilize it. That was an RPG joke. Correction; That was a great RPG joke, and if you didn't laugh then you have a heart that's as black as coal.

Of course, if anyone wants to buy these, I'd be more than happy to use eBay. Just leave a comment, and I'll see what I can do.

You coal-hearted bastards...

Um... How do I say this...

It's... Difficult to put it in such a simple way...

"Just say it, man."

Think so?

"It's all we've got, say it."

Fine: It's hard to find anything wrong with this thing! It's got enhanced controls, widescreen, 3D that doesn't make you look like a ass while using it, a buttload of launch titles, and plenty of power. Nintendo just showed up to E3 all 'What's up bitches? Who wants some organ-vaporizingly breathtaking innovation? How 'bout a new platform? Maybe some returning franchises? What would you say if we said that it was all in the same thing, and that it fits in your pocket? BAM! We're genies!'

And as I watch, I try to find something to worry about. But it's just... Flawless...

"Really? You can't find anything wrong with it? I think you're focusing too much on what we already know, and not enough on what we don't."

What do you mean?

"I mean you usually have such fire for criticism, where's that fire? Where's the passion? You just wrote a big article on opinions! You got mad at opinions, man!"

Hey! I get mad when I hear a thousand opinions and they're all the same! It's like having a thousand copies of a single game: Doesn't matter how good the game is, or how articulate the opinion is, I don't need 1000!

"There we go!"

Also, what kind of media does it use? Are we getting a high-density card based media? Or is it something larger? Real cartridges perhaps? And what's with this left side? That stick looks like I need to use it before I make a decision, but whose idea was it to put the D-Pad so low? How am I supposed to play Castlevania on that?

"Is it even backwards compatible? Like you said, we don't even know the media yet."

Excellent point! And moving on to the rest of this press conference, what's with this Kirby game? Not that I didn't want another Kirby game, but yarn? The backgrounds look like they came from Yoshi's Story! It looks like it could be an excellent new IP, but it's doesn't say 'Kirby' to me.

"That's it! Now what do you think of this Donkey Kong Country game?"

Solid.

"That was a combo breaker."

We don't get combos. We suck at those games, remember?

"We have an awful memory, remember?"

Nope.

"Oh, you're awful."

No, you're awful. That's why I'm not going to be doing this format again.

"What if you get positive feedback from this?"

I guess I'll clear out the back room for you then. It's pretty big, and close to the bathroom. Kinda musty though.

"You think anyone got the 'double' joke?"

Probably not.

Sometimes, my ears bleed. Sometimes, I simply cannot put up with what someone says. While I try to remain tolerant of all opinions, you people can really make by blood boil. It's like you're all hypnotized and when you hear a trigger word, you think that means I want to hear what you have to say. Sometimes, this is true. Sometimes, I want to rip all your teeth out with my left hand. Why my left? My right's my face button hand; I can work a D-Pad with my chin, but I can't go without my right.

These are in no particular order.

Activision

Every time Activision does something you people scream bloody murder. Every time. They merely enjoy a capitalist marketplace and use that to their advantage. If they put out a Guitar Hero game for $60, and recycle half the stuff from an old game, only adding new songs, they drastically cut down on development cost and time. So the profit margin goes much lower than it would for making an entirely new game. And thus the number of people needing to buy the game goes lower, and Activision can continue making other games that make you happy. That's pretty much the definition of sound business practice and customer satisfaction. Are they making you buy any of the games? No? Then shut your face.


Bobby Kotick, Nancy Grace, and The Super Devil make up the Trifecta of Evil.

Shadow Of The Colossus \ Ico

Every time I hear about either of these games, you people decide that I need to hear about how it didn't get a sequel, and how great it was, and how emotional it was, and blah blah blah... I have a policy, if you ever cried over a game character's death, or thought about a moral choice in a game other than 'Which one of these will net me the best ending?', or got scared while playing one of these games that try to scare you, you need to grow a pair. (Gaming enthusiasts of the female gender are excluded from this. Why? I'm against sex changes. That's why.) I don't want to hear about how you felt bad when you killed this innocent creature that never wronged anyone. I do not give two shits about the environment the game puts me in, and how I'm supposed to admire it. It was the PS2, it looked like ass. That's what I have to say about it. Would you rather I have lied and said 'The setting truly made the mood and elevated my experience when playing.'? Signs point to yes.


Am I supposed to care about this?

Shin Megami Tensei \ Persona series

I cannot stand this series. I've never played it, and never seen a gameplay video, or a screenshot for that matter, but I don't like it. None of you will shut your goddamn traps about how great it is, and how I should play it. Here's my answer to all of you: I will play the series when I'm damn well ready.

I'm not posting a picture for this one, but I'll still write the caption.

Oh, so that's what all this is about. Kind of underwhelming.

Sonic The Hedgehog

Whenever a Sonic game gets announced, there are three general groups of people who anticipate it. The fans who say 'It's the triumphant return of Sonic!', cynics who shoot the race horse before it leaves the gate, and people who see how it plays out. For the love of God, everyone get in the last group. I will end this right now if you do! No, some of you are still being stubborn. Can't say I blame you. Moving on!


This is a comic made by Ben Mangum of Cyber Moon Studios. His website is here, but he's been locked out of it. Check his deviantArt page for more stuff, and his YouTube for his animations. That's probably the most links you're ever seen in one caption.

Jim Sterling

WE GET IT. NOT EVERYONE SHARES HIS SENSE OF HUMOR. GET OVER IT. I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER, BUT AT LEAST I DON'T TROLL HIS REVIEWS YOU PANSIES. If he doesn't like a game, he doesn't like it. Simple as that. For his defense, he's always got a point when he talks. He never just mindlessly bitches about crap that doesn't matter.

Alright, sometimes he does, but the number of meaningful editorials over his total number exceeds 50%. Meaning the majority of his articles are pertaining to a central point. I wish I could do that. I am horrible at staying on topic! (As you well know.)


Is that a bed right next to a hot tub?

Duke Nukem Forever

Wait for it to come out. Jeez...


Patience is a virtue. This, however, is ridiculous. It took less time to develop the A-Bomb than it took for this game to be canceled.

The Legend Of Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time

I understand that some of you will never budge on this game, and I can respect that. I myself grew up playing this game. (My aunt stole me a copy from BlockBuster.) And it does deserve ALOT of respect; All that music, sound, and those environments on an N64 cartridge? It was unheard of! No one thought it could be done! But Nintendo has proven time and time again that all they have to do is snap their fingers, and the skies themselves will open for another miracle. Anyway, it's not that it's a bad game, it's that I don't like hearing about it so much. So please tone down the praise, m'k?


This isn't even possible.

DS Re-Models

Before I talk about this, think about how much money it takes to develop things like The Legend(s) of Zelda, and Super Mario Galaxy 2, and think about how many copies those games will sell. Multiply by 50, and you don't even touch the development costs! Where do you think all that money comes from? Does it just falls out of Mario's ass? (It sort of does...) No, it comes from system sales! And with the whole 'Evolution > Replacement' scenario going on, Nintendo has to make new systems somehow.


When I was a kid, I thought pixies made videogames and super-pixies made Nintendo games.

Half-Life 2

I have heard entire enough about this game. If one more of you says ANYTHING about this game again, I will stab you in your throat.


Why isn't he wearing a helmet? It kind of defeats the point of wearing a protective suit.

Super Mario Galaxy

I have played SMG1, but not the sequel. I already know everything I need to know about the sequel. but the first one just rubbed me the wrong way. For one, it's one of those games that no one seems to think I've heard enough about. People consistently say that it is the best game on the Wii; Really? Have you played every game on the Wii? No? Then you don't have the authority to say that. Alright, I'll count out the minigame compilations and Just Dance. Even then, you still need to play Captain☆Rainbow. Good luck finding a copy if you live anywhere other than Japan! I still want to play that game...

Oh right, Super Mario Galaxy. It was very creative, I'll give it that. But it needs something more than classic gameplay style, incredible graphics, expert level design, and one of the world's most recognizable characters. It just feels like I'm looking at a 1000 piece puzzle of the Mona Lisa with one piece missing. Yeah, it's a great picture and tons of effort obviously went into it, but that one little imperfection irks me. I liked Super Mario Sunshine better. (Fuck those blue coins though. Also, keep in mind that I don't share everyone else's opinion about Super Mario Sunshine. I love that game!)


Did Chad Concelmo say this game was 'shoddy'? You're about to end up in the bushes again, little man. I've probably got about 40lbs on you. I hope you're faster than I am, 'Cause once I get a hold of you, I keep something. Wait 'till you hear my evil laugh.

Weird Japanese Games

I have no problem with people playing and enjoying these games. Like I just said, I really wanted to play Captain☆Rainbow, but having some of the worst sales on the Wii doesn't go well for localization. Do you like Katamari? Play it! Just don't tell me about it. Or bring a helmet. <== See? I warned you this time! I nice guy! "I nice guy"? I didn't even change that, and I'm not going to. That's my daily laugh quota right there. I try to laugh as much as I can, y'know?


Proclaim all countries Japan, and this problem wouldn't exist.

Portal is a game I was very interested in for a very long time. Everywhere people told me that I needed to play it. 'Need?' That's a strong word. 'Need' implies a necessity; Something that is required for life to continue. Portal is not a need. Portal is no longer a desire. Portal is what it is, and I am not pleased.

With Portal? No, I'm talking about you guys!

How could you have fooled yourself into thinking that this game deserved more than 70 awards?

I mean, it's good, but it's not that good.


Behold, CANNONCROTCH. Actually, Cannoncrotch is a game made by the same guy that made Crunchdown. Played that yet?

When I downloaded Steam, I had no intention of getting any game other than Portal. And I got what I came for, so I left. But I then realized that THERE IS NO LEAVING STEAM. It will follow you to the ends of the Earth with it's countless ads and offers for miscellaneous games that I don't want. I really don't know who these ads are targeting! I... Is it... Me? Am I supposed to be reading this? Um, no thanks Valve, but I appreciate the offer(s).


I thought this was a 360 exclusive for bad reasons. Oh, wait that's Alan Wake.

Anyway, I was really impressed with server speed on the service. I was roaring at no less than 1.8 MB/s at any given time! I had a full game in less than a minute! The speed of my computer however, bogged down considerably. If Steam was a guy, and I had a conversation with him, it would go something like this:

"Hey man, you want Splinter Cell: Conviction?"

"No."

"Can use 60% of your CPU for nothing?"

"No. Leave."

"Oh c'man! 50% off Aliens Vs Predator!!"

"SHORYUKEN!!!"

"How'd you get the Heart Tank on Crystal Snail's stage?"

"You gotta boost jump with the ride armor, then jump out, then latch onto the wall using Strike Chain."

"Was that a reference to the fact that you just played through Megaman X2?"

"Yup."

Back to the point. That excitement was accentuated as I booted up the game, and I saw that trademark menu screen with simple font letters spelling out the game's various menu selections. I reached for my Dynex mouse, and started a new file.

I hate the song 'Still Alive.' I cannot stand nor I will not condone it. The radio in my cell was immediately picked up and strewn over the floor. I left the room in near-record time.

Anyway, I played through the first chapter, and was rather bored by it. But I know it serves a very important purpose; To introduce players to the concepts of Portal in a no-consequence environment. And the developer commentary shows that Valve prepared for every contingency.

The game has alot going for it, to say the least. It feels like nothing I've ever played before! It just feels so... Original. And the base concept is delightfully simple: Put something in one portal, it comes out the other unchanged. The game also looks really nice too. It never tries to get too fancy, just sweet round lines and clean colors throughout the main testing area.


I didn't have enough bullets for 'Hello.'

I forgot what I was going to say now.

Now I remember! The difficulty curve! That was it! Anyway, Portal is a poorly constructed game in this sense because instead of making the game more clever and challenging, Valve just decided to make the levels bigger and add time challenges to them because, and forgive me for paraphrasing the developer commentary here, but they were trying to make the game 'dramatic.'

Dramatic.

A puzzle game.

Are you kidding me?

No one cares if putting a block (THEY ARE NOT CUBES, THEY ARE BLOCKS.) on a switch is exhilarating, I just want this experience to get to the next puzzle.

Of course, having a game so short, some pacing issues are bound to pop up. The only solutions are to make the game insanely difficult from the beginning, or the have the entire game be pathetically easy. But what Portal does is crazy! The change is ridiculous!

Why does the game go from this...


My favorite test chamber.

To this?


Screw you, Valve.

And what's with the 'science lab' theme of this game? Not that it doesn't fit and the game and it doesn't pull it off well. I really enjoyed the look and feel of everything. But this game has so much wrong with it in the realm of science that actively outlining how much it violates would make your head explode!

Let's begin.

---------------------------------------------------Scientific Blunders On Valve's Part!----------------------------------------------------

1. You don't need an extradimensional device to travel between two points instantaneously. That is needlessly complex and challenges the laws of what humankind does and does not know. Besides, instantaneous transmission between points can be achieved with light in a simpler fashion.

2. While I was just talking about how great light is, you cannot have a platform moving along a beam of it. That is completely impossible. You cannot have a beam of light dense enough to support an object while not having it intense enough to destroy the receiver on the other end of the beam.

3. I don't care how great Aperture Labs is, you can't be that smart if you have a sentient computer watching over your entire facility. I know about the commentary and the 'Red Phone,' but if you add a requirement for human input at various points of the development of devices and their testing, you remove the 'Terminator' scenario altogether.

But who cares about any of that, the game is really fun even if I'm posting this on the day it's no longer available for free.


I've still got one arrow.

Fangames are like a septic tank filled with treasure; There might be some really great stuff in there, but there's also a good amount of shit. Like this Metal Man fangame I played about a month ago; This was a piece of work that had so much potential, because I really liked Metal Man, (Freezeman is still my favorite Robot Master. Metal Man's up there though.) but it was just a bad game. It didn't even have one leg to stand on. But keep in mind that this represents just one side of the spectrum. (I love that word.)


Pictured: The best part of Metal Man.

I thoroughly enjoy most fangames because they might bring something to a franchise that an actual developer would have their head put on a pike for. Like Splatterhouse RPG; It's Splatterhouse, but an RPG. A fan of either would take one look at it an say 'Bad.' But if you actually play it, you realize that it is a glorious, shining example of what a fangame can be. It can be a game in its own right and stand as an entertaining RPG experience with good sound, fitting music, and plenty to do. But it also pays homage to SH with it's expert ripping of sprites, backgrounds, and music. As well some fanfiction thrown in as pages from Dr. West's journal for good measure. (I'll write more about this game later. Not in this post, I'll give some dedicated space.) So even if someone who knew nothing about the SH series picked up the game, they would have fun with it. That's how good a fangame can be.


Who's Rick? Why is he so big? Is that a damn ghost? Why am I asking you all these questions? Odds are you haven't played the game...

But that's when fans really go outside the box. Sometimes, they just want more of a good thing. That brings me the next game I'm going to make an example of: Megaman 7 Famicom. You all remember this game, right? Well I'm trying not to. It was like a 'classic' Mega Man in that it had stupid difficulty. And that is why I refuse to play 'classic' Mega Man games a physical system; I die too much and I hate going through the same level four times because of fucking insta-deaths and pixel-pinching jumps. Not that I don't respect that people might not enjoy the 16-bit MM games and may enjoy the 8-bit ones more. That's perfectly understandable. I however, thought that MM7FC turned the difficulty a tad too high for my taste. Do I still play it? No. I play Freezeman 7. But I still respect that someone might prefer MM7FC over the original.


You see that platform above me? The one in the middle? Fuck him. But I respect that someone else may or may not want to jump on him.

Sometimes fangames can be good, sometimes they can be bad, and sometimes they can be the most incoherent blob of amorphous fun you ever had. The fangame that pulls this off is ROMCHECKFAIL. One second Pac-Man could be chowin' down on Goombas, the next Link could be slashing Asteroids! I would like to see some Ghosts 'n Goblins in the mix, but I can't really complain.


Gimme a second and I'll be shootin' the shit with ghosts.

And while I love fangames so much, I find that sometimes the company who owns the franchise, more often than not, take the opportunity to be douches about it. Take Chrono Resurrection for example, Square wasn't doing anything with the franchise, and yet they had to make a claim on their intellectual property and send a cease-and-desist letter to those no-good indie SOBs.


Big fucking deal.

How dare they try to endorse their defunct-franchise while not demanding monetary payment for doing so! Here's an idea for the guys behind Chrono Resurrection, change some face lines, do some recolors, and put a sign in the finished game that says 'Fuck The Squares!' Then we can all have a laugh.


HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! IT WAS MEEEEE!!!!

Whose fault is it when a fangame gets shut down? The fans, for being so attached to a game that they can't wait for a sequel and do it themselves, or the company for being so touchy about a trademark? Example: If the guy who invented lemonade was alive today, and did nothing but walk around kicking over little kids' lemonade stands you would say 'Wow, what a dick.' right before you watched a midget, who turns out to be the father, uppercut him in the nuts.


The symbolism is that the inventor guy is Activision, the midget dad is EA, the kids are Double Fine, and the lemonade they're selling is Brutal Legend. At least that's what I was thinking of when I thought of the analogy. I know, Brutal Legend isn't technically a fangame, but it's a fangame in the sense that it's a tribute to heavy metal. I'm putting the text here so you don't see it.

I know, I'm being a little jokey about this, but I cannot stress how angry I am when something like this happens. I just want to shout to the heavens 'HOW MUCH MONEY WAS IT TAKING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING POCKET?!! IT WAS A DROP IN THE DAMN BUCKET! FOR GODSAKES I'M SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! GAHHHH!!!' *POW* And then my head explodes. That is how angry I get, and why don't give a damn when a big game gets pirated. It doesn't feel so good having someone just make your work\labor of time, money, and love essentially worthless, does it?


$70 million? The price tag says 'Cost of Internet access'.

I guess I can't really complain when sometimes such great fangames get to meet the public eye. But if I ever meet a Square Enix executive (Or Bobby Kotick.), I hope I'm wearing steeltoe boots.


I'm showing you the first frame of this scene because after Coop's done, there's nothing left.

Download Links: (Hope you enjoy them. Happy Easter, Dtoid.)

Metal Man (Check the bottom.)
Splatterhouse RPG
Megaman 7 Famicom
ROMCHECKFAIL
It would appear that Freezeman 7 is very finicky in when it can be downloaded. If it doesn't work the first time, try again later. Are you listening?
And if you fancy a controller over a keyboard, here's Joy2Key.