So the countdown for E times 3 has reached single-digit days and this is where my favorite part of the wait happens: the predictions! Yes, it's the time in which every good gamer and game journalist get together, decorates their E3 trees, hang up their stockings on their TV set, eat some of grandma's famous Yoshi Cookies, and talk about who they think is going to fuck up their conference the least. Those whose predictions come true, as the legends foretold, become one with gaming harmony. But for those who guessed wrong, a public shaming of them will be enforced and they will be prohibited from being in a twelve-mile radius of a controller thus forcing them to live in solitude until next E3.
As for me, I've been studying the industry for the past [INSERT PERIOD OF TIME] and I think I have a pretty good idea of what’s going to happen at E-to-the-power-of-3 20-oh-13. If I may throw my metaphorical hat into the (supposed) metaphorical ring, here are some of the things I’m expected to see this year. These predictions are going to apply to the main three (Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft) simply because they’re the only ones I care about. Sorry.
Now some of you may read these and say, "Hey stranger! A lot of these predictions tend to contradict each other." Well, to that I say, "Shut up."
Alright, without further ado . . .
• Nintendo will open by talking about how grateful they are for using this brand new piece of technology called “the internet”.
• In honor of “The Year of Luigi”, half of this installment of Nintendo Direct will be “The Super Mario Bros. Movie”.
• They finally admit that Mario and Luigi are not Italian. They’re actually Sicilian.
• Satoru Iwata and Luigi will awkwardly make out with each other for a full ten minutes.
• We will get excited over every little thing that they announce because Nintendo is the Disney of video games and we are all its slaves.
• Reggie Fils-Aime shows up in a purple Pikmin costume. It’s not explained. It shouldn’t have to be.
• The Wii U will be mentioned just to remind us all that the Wii U exists.
• Iwata says, “You know what will be great right now? A grilled cheese sandwich.”
• They beat the shit out of Tom Nook.
• They spend half of the time talking shit about that Xbox One reveal.
• Iwata tries to speak in his best Bane impression the whole time.
• New Metroid game, but instead of Samus, it’s a guy; and instead of an arm cannon, it’s a gun; and instead of rolling around in a ball, you ride a warthog.
• When they’re talking about Pokemon X & Y, Iwata will make a dirty joke and Luigi will be all like “Oh no he didn’t!”
• “And for those of you who bought a Wii U . . .” (weeps) “THANK YOU!”
• Pikmin 3 will have voice acting. All the voices will be done by Willem Dafoe. (It’s Destructoid. I had to do it.)
• Luigi changes his color from traditional green to a forest green.
• You will never find love.
• 3DS owners will have 90 seconds to evacuate their homes until their 3DSes explode.
• Nintendo Direct will end with a song.
SONY'S PRESS CONFERENCE
• Jack Trenton walks on stage and throws a tantrum wailing, "WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS BUY 3D TV'S?!"
• Kazuo Hirai walks on stage. He removes his mask. It's Shigeru Miyamoto. Sony was Nintendo the whole time!
• Half of the press conference will be told through interpretive dance.
• The PS Vita will have a price cut of fifty cents.
• A Final Fantasy VII Remake will not be announced because Square Enix hates money.
• They'll announce the PS4 to be "always online". Immediately after, they'll say, "Nah, we're just fucking with you. SUCK IT, MICROSOFT! But no, really, it’ll be always online.”
• Hirai will say, "Now that Nintendo isn't here to stop me, I can finally take over the world!" Then the giant squid from “Watchmen” will burst out of him.
• Knack will turn out to be a prequel to Tanks! Tanks! Tanks!
• Jonathan Blow will take the stage, but no one will be listening to what he's saying because we'll all be snickering at his name.
• Square Enix comes up on stages and says, “So remember when we said that we’d have an announcement for this E3? Yeah, we misspoke. We meant to say E3 of 2014. So . . . see ya next year!”
• PlayStation products will now be advertised with black people so show how cool and hip Sony is.
• New Patapon game. Greg Miller will cry tears of joy.
• Trenton refuses to show what the PS4 looks like until he gets a grilled cheese sandwich.
• The PS4 is three inches long as is meant to be used as a suppository.
• The PS4 is three feet long as is meant to be used as a suppository.
• The PS4 will smell like lemons. Or not. Either way, it’s still going up your ass.
• David Cage will show that old man’s head again, but this time it’ll be singing “Rock Your Body” by Justin Timberlake.
• PS4 Exclusive: Halo 5
• Heh . . . Blow . . .
• The PS4 will just be the Xbox One with a sticky note on top that says “4”.
• Each Vita will be shipped with a paperback copy of “Howards End” by E.M. Foster so that you guys will have some culture in your lives.
• The press conference will end with Jack Trenton covered in the blood of his enemies.
MICROSOFT’S PRESS CONFERENCE
• THE XBOX ONE WILL BE THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME CONSOLE EVER MADE!
• Everyone will wear a tie this time.
• Don Mattrick opens the conference with, “So yeah, about that reveal we made a couple weeks ago . . .”
• At some point during the press conference, someone is going to say the N-word.
• I’ll finally be able to pronounce Yusuf Mehdi’s name correctly.
• In a surprise move, they’ll unveil their own handheld gaming console that’s even more anti-consumer than the PS Vita.
• Turns out the Xbox One isn’t its full name. Its full name is the Xbox T-1000.
• “Contrary to popular belief, we hear at Microsoft are very supportive of India games just as much as we support other country’s—wait, what does that say? “Indie” games?! Oh yeah, we support those, too, I guess . . .”
• The Xbox One’s box is just a cover. They lift the box to reveal the real console underneath. It’s the Sega Dreamcast 2! HOLY SHIT!
• Microsoft remembers what video games are.
• Gameplay footage will be interspersed with hardcore pornography.
• Mattrick will do a little dance.
• The Sega Saturn will be released on store shelves.
• SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV SPORTS TV
• Peter Molyneux will be there.
• New Fable game turns out to be a FPS and you’ll love a dog in it.
• Each Xbox One will come with an addition peripheral that plays Laser Discs.
• I’ll probably lose interest and start playing Pokémon while the conference plays in the background.
• The Xbox One will be filled with anthrax. No word on whether the anthrax will be always online.
• At the end, Adam Orth storms on stage. He is wearing golden knight attire. He wields a sledgehammer that he named “Ingrid the Inhalator”. He bellows out, “THIS REIGN OF TERROR ENDS NOW”, and smashes the Xbox One with the sledgehammer. The crowd rejoices! He is held up on everyone’s shoulders and is carried out into the medieval mess hall outside the press conference where he and his comrades will feast on fine wine and succulent pigs and grilled cheese sandwiches. Everyone begins to tell tales of warlocks and ogres and demons and werewolves and vampires and panda bears with shot guns and DRM.
Orth raises his glass and proclaims, “Today shall be the day in which men shall never live in fear again. The succubus known as the One of the Boxed X has been eradicated with the help of Ingrid the Inhalator, my trusty sledgehammer. I retrieved Ingrid in the Battles of Online Passes as I destroyed the Electronic Arts Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And now I stand before all of you all to say that we shall bask in the glory of our victory forever!”
Someone from the gaming press will stand up and say, “All hail Orth, King of All Gaming Forever!” The rest of the hall will raised their glasses and exclaim triumphantly: “ALL HAIL ORTH! KING OF ALL GAMING FOREVER!” They will sing of his praise all throughout the world!
Gamers and non-gamers alike will recognize his greatness. Parades will be thrown of his honor. Women will desire him. Men will envy him. Children will admire him. Cancer will be cured. AIDS will be no more. Poverty will be stricken. "Firefly" will get another season. All will be well thanks to the glory of Adam of the Orth.
Fifty years later, he shall lay on his death bed with all of his loved ones surrounding him. Shigeru Miyamoto will be there because he had found the secret of immortality and won’t share it with anyone because he’s a prick. Orth says to his family, “Gaming has now been regarded as the greatest thing in the fucking world, and my job here is done.” He slowly shuts his eyes and whispers, “Rosebud”, and drifts off into eternal slumber. Miyamoto proclaims, “There goes the greatest man gaming has ever known.”
A shooting star passes through the night . . .
• The new Halo game will not just be exclusive to Windows Phones and Windows 8 PCs because that’d be ludicrous.
Well, those are my predictions. Next week, I plan to give my overall thoughts for the press conferences here. Thanks for your time!