My name is Banj and I'm into chicks in a Michael Douglas way.
I live and work in the East Riding Of Yorkshire in a one-horse frontier town called Goole. If you imagine the river Humber as the arsehole of England, Goole is 25 miles up it. I'm 32 years old yet I'm still firmly on the cutting edge of all things, finger on the pulse, back to the wall and balls to the floor.
I work in harmony with the 'po po' in a crime fighting capacity, keeping the streets of Goole clean one dealer at a time. The inherant irony being that I used to have a massive drug problem but "takes a cunt to catch a cunt" as Jesus once said.
Oh yeah, did I mention that I fucking love videogames? I would say that a good 50% of my awake time is spend playing, reading about or talking about games. I'm currently totally and utterly addicted to my XBOX 360 and the whole Live community thing. It's truely the next step in gaming, not that fucking magic wand bollocks Nintendo are touting.
Lastly, I'm a huge fan of the 'Toid. I love it's general sense of humour, I love it's strong community but most of all I love the excellent forum and the members who post there. You cats are my bread and butter.
Now, sit back, relax and let me take you on a hugely irrelevant and pointless journey.
"Excuse me..." said the ruggedly handsome young warrior, "I'm looking for BioShock. It's a videogame that should be released today for the XBOX 360 but I can't see it anywhere."
The TESCO beast barely looked up from her pricing gun. "Have you looked in the videogame section?"
'No' thought Banj, 'I didn't look there because I'm a spastic'. "Yeah, I thought that's where it would be." He reeled from the statement as soon as it left his breath, it was a double-edged sword and depending upon how the TESCO troll chose to take it would either make him look really sarcastic or really fucking stupid.
The pricing gun slammed down the shelf the TESCO beast was working on. Obviously this specimen had an exciting new twist on the slogan 'the customer is always right'. She'd rewritten it and it flashed across her eyes, written in neon as she looked up at him, 'the customer is always a cunt'.
"People don't normally buy things like that this early. Hang on" she barked, "I'll go check. What was is? Buy... Buy what?"
Banj imagined her loud, clomping footsteps as she walked away as reports of rounds fired from an assault rifle as he walked from isle to isle culling this retarded herd. He mentally made his way through each checkout, two each in the head. He stormed the Security office taking out the fat, stupid security guards using the days fresh bagels as makeshift shuriken, than continued towards the managers office.
Alone in the entertainment isle at 06:36am on a Friday morning Banj imagined a camera doing a slow pan out from the front of the store. First the TESCO sign was revealed, it's bold red statement invoking images of Soviet Russia. A quick mental ajustment and the 'O' in TESCO became a sickle. The camera continued to pan out showing the deep red of the lettering continuing up the wall above the sign. The manager, gutted as a fish, hung like the crucifix from one of the unnecessary poles jutting out above the supermarket, it's purpose or, more likely, pretencious symbology known only to the architect of this urban work of modern art.
"Sorry love, we don't have it."
Banj snapped back to reality. 'Love' he though? 'Motherfucker, I'm 10 years older than you'.
"Okay, thanks for looking anyway." he smiled, 'you silly cow' he mantally added turning his back on her and walking out of the store.
It's the look of bewilderment that I recognise, the slow dawning realisation that spreads over their faces as they realise what I'm trying to do. They think I'm broken, I can tell. They think my cognitive process is different, there's some loose wiring or something. They just can't see it, they can't see the purity, the complete, clean purity of finishing the Calypso Casino level using only a pistol and only shooting for eye sockets...
My name is Banj and I have a problem. I am unable to play videogames in the manner of their design. I suppose it's a form of obssessive compulsive dissorder when you play Fight Night: Round 3 with your friends but are compelled to only use your left hand, and only use jabs. Obviously my win/loose ratio is fucked but that's not the point.
I've found this affliction severly hampers your ability to finish games. I've only just finished Saints Row although I bought it at launch. I couldn't get anywhere with it because I'd be travelling to a mission marker, pass a cop car and the little voice in my head would be saying "Go on Banj, just shoot him once. He won't mind, he won't even notice..." then manically laughing as I'm being chased down by SWAT five seconds later.
It took me 30 hours to kill all the kingpins on Crackdown on the first run through. I was far more interested in kicking my co-op buddy off whatever building he was on, desperately trying to evade this XBOX Live psycho who entered his game with the sole intention of breaking the unspoken rules.
None of my friends will play Double Dragon with the videogame Judas...
I'm sure everyone does it... When you play a sandbox style GTA game how many of you make your own game within the game? My best mate turned San Andreas into a sex toy. The idea was to get 3 wanted stars and survive as long as possible, while whoever wasn't playing performed oral sex. When the player died they swapped roles.
Obviously, my mate is a fucking ninja at GTA...
So, do any of you have a similar problem? Do you have your own special fun attached to games? Games within games? Tell me all about it. This is our therapy group, my name is Banj and I have a problem.
Thanks to Sheir who inspired this blog by reminding me why I never finish games.