This is an abridged messenger conversation between two members of a warrior tribe untouched my the westernised world and living in happiness on XBOX Live.
For expositional purposes; Banj is a lone assassin struggling to get by in a world that wasn't ready for him, "James" is Banj's companion on his many wonderous adventures and the foul beast refered to as "Alan Ploptard" is some kid who James duped into texting my wife something innappropriate.
You join the tale as our hero is winding up to a series of baffling threats.
Banj says:
i.e. cock-hungry attention whore.
James says:
do you think she really wants to fuck me?
Banj says:
I think she'd take it from anyone.
Banj says:
I'm fucking sure it would take me about an hour of trying to get in her kegs.
Banj says:
She's a slapper mate, plain and simple.
James says:
i know
James says:
i am as wells though
Banj says:
...and if she isn't, then she's a tease and that's fucking worse.
Banj says:
...what's up you plop cunt?
Banj says:
Has my diatribe offended you?
Banj says:
If so, suck my balls. That slag is fine to take the piss out of but I'd rather shag a fucking bear trap, there would be less drama.
James says:
nah just had bernard* on phone
*James's girlfriend
James says:
shes so lovely
Banj says:
gay
James says:
she thinks i'm queer
Banj says:
So does Beck*.
*Banj's wife
James says:
i know
James says:
and she looks like 2 sock* as well
*James's name for Banj's wife
James says:
i got a mini-beck
Banj says:
Banj Emulator
James says:
it's like you got a ploppleganger
James says:
al fucktards online!!!
Banj says:
Destroy him!
James says:
send him a message sayign you've found out it was him
Banj says:
Okay.
James says:
i'm gonna say "banj is fuming with you al"
Banj says:
Banj: "Ramone says you're the cunt sending messages to my wife. Is that true?"
James says:
ha ha
Banj says:
...I can almost hear the plops.
James says:
i just said "Banj is right mad with you al. It's a good job i haven't told him it was you...."
James says:
you're psychic
Banj says:
I know, I really am.
James says:
you did it again the other night
James says:
i just said to gem* "It must be his wife on xbox cos Banj is still at work"
*also known as Moonpig, some XBOX Live girl James is trying to fuck
Banj says:
I know, I do it all the time. It's when I'm not thinking about what I'm saying.
James says:
then you text me saying "by the way i've left work. Have a nice time with moonpig"
James says:
it's fucking weird
Banj says:
My sister said when I was little I used to write in a really funny turn of phrase. She said she thinks I channel people.
Banj says:
...but she's a boarderline hippy and she's full of shit.
Banj says:
Alan Plopturd: "i dunno i sent 1 message 2 wat i thought was James number"
James says:
i said Banj is gonna rip your head off
James says:
poor old shitty al plopshit
Banj says:
Banj: "...dead"
James says:
he asking me how i got his number
James says:
so i said Banj gave it me
James says:
i love being a cunt don't you?
Banj says:
Sometimes I do it without being aware, when I reflect on it I'm a fucking horrible person. ...it's funny though so fuck it.
James says:
Al is fucking shitting himsself
James says:
he's just asked me what the worse that could happen and i replied "Well Banj does work for police and has access to everyones addresses etc, you're enough of a cunt to put your real name as your gamertag so i wouldn't be suprised if he doesn't come round a pay you a visit"
James says:
"he's a possessive cunt when it comes to his wife"
James says:
"he tried to smack me once just for saying his wife is nice-looking"
James says:
James, you're a genius
Banj says:
You're a cunt. He might shit it and tell the snoozers.
James says:
snoozers?
Banj says:
coppers
James says:
ha ha ha
James says:
and the coppers are really gonna follow this up
Banj says:
they totally would. and he has my mobile number.
James says:
ha ha
Banj says:
Stop shit stirring.
James says:
Banj is plopping it
Banj says:
Am I fuck, I'll just blame you.
James says:
you fucking whistleblowing grass cunt
Banj says:
I'm gonna send him another one now...
James says:
saying what?
Banj says:
Banj: "Sorry Alan, I've got to plop you a cunt."
James says:
ha ha
James says:
he's just asked what "plop you a cunt" means? what shall i say?
Banj says:
....say it means he's gonna beat you up, then shit on your carpet.
James says:
my ribs are fucking aching as fuck
Banj says:
He might buy it...
James says:
my reply......"it's slang for he's gonna fuck you up and shit on your mams carpet"
James says:
i told him i'm gonna have a word with you and try and calm you down.......just for authenticity purposes
Banj says:
Banj: "...you're piss"
James says:
ha ha
James says:
ha ha
James says:
fuck me
James says:
merely......"you're piss"
Banj says:
the simplicity...
James says:
but the power...
Banj: "I know you live in Leeds cunt, soon as I get an address I'm gonna come and fuck you."
James says:
he's just said he's getting scarey messages off you and he's worried
Banj says:
I'm gonna have to tell him before he dives out of his bedroom window.
Yeah, I don't exactly understand what all was going on, but the shit I did follow was funny. Keep calling people and fucking with them. That makes us very happy.
Destructoid is an open discussion community. You don't need to "audition" to post a comment - just speak your mind. We respect differing opinions on the site, so have at it. Be smart, funny, insightful, clueless, or cute -- but back it up with substance. Keep your cool, keep it fun. We only ask that you act respectfully and above all: don't be a troll and ruin it for everyone else. Don't bring down gamers or we'll, you know, gently shoot you in the face and stuff you into a flaming mailbox. Each comment is your opportuntity to make this community awesomer. Is that even a word?
Avoiding the banhammer only requires common sense: spamming, trolling, racism, NSFW stuff, and other forms of sucking will not be tolerated. If anyone is griefing please report abuse. Be good. Don't suck!
about me
My name is Banj and I'm into chicks in a Michael Douglas way.
I live and work in the East Riding Of Yorkshire in a one-horse frontier town called Goole. If you imagine the river Humber as the arsehole of England, Goole is 25 miles up it. I'm 32 years old yet I'm still firmly on the cutting edge of all things, finger on the pulse, back to the wall and balls to the floor.
I work in harmony with the 'po po' in a crime fighting capacity, keeping the streets of Goole clean one dealer at a time. The inherant irony being that I used to have a massive drug problem but "takes a cunt to catch a cunt" as Jesus once said.
Oh yeah, did I mention that I fucking love videogames? I would say that a good 50% of my awake time is spend playing, reading about or talking about games. I'm currently totally and utterly addicted to my XBOX 360 and the whole Live community thing. It's truely the next step in gaming, not that fucking magic wand bollocks Nintendo are touting.
Lastly, I'm a huge fan of the 'Toid. I love it's general sense of humour, I love it's strong community but most of all I love the excellent forum and the members who post there. You cats are my bread and butter.
Now, sit back, relax and let me take you on a hugely irrelevant and pointless journey.
Destructoid is an independently-run publication forged by our love of video games and the gaming community's need of accountable enthusiast press living the dream since March 16, 2006
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Lolwut? I kinda got lost along the way.. maybe it's a "you should've been there" thing :)
Yeah, I don't exactly understand what all was going on, but the shit I did follow was funny. Keep calling people and fucking with them. That makes us very happy.
Your thoughts intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
reads like a cross between cockney and boring
@Bahamut: Cock-ring?
...you work for the policia?!
That's a big ten four Spider.
Also, I'm pretty far from cockney.
Sounds like dude was going to sh"t his pants*
*I just wanted to try this "*" thing out.
Things like this would be awesome recorded and streamed.
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