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12:03 PM on 10.27.2007

A death on XBOX Live...

Banj says:
I know kung fu.

Gemma says:
what u want

Banj says:
...your exciting attitude.

Gemma says:
im watchin xfactor

Banj says:
You just lost a point Germ.

Gemma says:
not as many as u lost last week

Banj says:
What? With my Lowey joke*?

*last week I messaged all of Lowey's mates on XBOX Live and told them he'd been rushed to hospital and subsequently died.

Gemma says:
errr yeah

Banj says:
Everyone found it funny didn't they?

Gemma says:
nope

Banj says:
He laughed.

Banj says:
You shit cunts need to get your sense of humour in for an upgrade.

Banj says:
...it was a classic.

Banj says:
Did you cry a little bit?

Gemma says:
no

Gemma says:
i was only one who didnt fall for it

Banj says:
Crumple asked me what happened, so I told him he'd died of AIDS. He messaged me back saying that you AIDS takes a while to kill you and he didn't even know Lowey was ill. I told him it was a strain of Super AIDS. The shit cunt STILL believed me!

Gemma says:
no one thought it was funny.

Banj says:
Lowey text me from hospital and said he had tonsilitis and he thought he was
dying, I just ran with it. It was his fault.

Gemma says:
not the best move making people loose faith in ur word

Banj says:
Fuck off you drama queen, besides, it's XBOX Live, who gives a shit?

Gemma says:
yeah but Lowey's life aint a game

Banj says:
It is, and I'm the motherfucking master at playing it.

Banj says:
I gots me the top score, bitch.

Gemma says:
u at work or somethin

Banj says:
Yeah, why?

Gemma says:
just wondered why ur on here

Gemma says:
on a sat night

Banj says:
...yeah, I'm stuck at the snore factory for another 45mins.

Gemma says:
u gonna let me watch x factor or u really that bored

Banj says:
Why are you in an arse if you didn't believe me anyway?

Gemma says:
im not

Banj says:
So, what's with the exciting vibe you're giving off?

Banj says:
...it's a cross between "fuck off" and "I think you're a cunt".

Gemma says:
lmao

Banj says:
Am I somewhere near?

Gemma says:
no

Gemma says:
im ill so u wont get a rise outta me

Banj says:
What is it, the AIDS?

Banj says:
...does XBOX Live know?

Gemma says:
got a cough and shit

Banj says:
shit, or the shits?

Gemma says:
I've not got the shits!

Banj says:
I should hope not, my sources tell me you only change your scruds once a week.   read


11:00 AM on 10.13.2007

Dutch Poleaxe

Banj says:
What time you off out tonight?

LoweyRamone says:
7:30pm

Banj says:
To a casino?

LoweyRamone says:
Bernards mam is driving us to the casino

LoweyRamone says:
yup

Banj says:
Her mam is taking you?

Banj says:
...what are you? Fucking 10?

LoweyRamone says:
no she's dropping us off you shitcunt

LoweyRamone says:
saves taxi fare

Banj says:
Way to impress the inlaws tightcunt.

LoweyRamone says:
her idea shitmouth

Banj says:
...trust me, she was hoping you'd copper up.

LoweyRamone says:
i asked at least 20 times

LoweyRamone says:
she said she wanted me to spend it on her instead

LoweyRamone says:
so i'll buy her a drink or 2

LoweyRamone says:
no more though ain't made of money

Banj says:
fuck that, get her steaming drunk then kick her back doors in.

LoweyRamone says:
she fucks me sober

LoweyRamone says:
i'm a loverman

Banj says:
up the trumper?

LoweyRamone says:
not trumped her yet

Banj says:
ergo, let the wine flow like rain...

LoweyRamone says:
ha ha

LoweyRamone says:
so thats what you did on your first few dates with 2-sock then? Got her pissed and bummed her?

LoweyRamone says:
nice...

Banj says:
Fuck me no, I still ain't cracked that nut.

LoweyRamone says:
never!

LoweyRamone says:
you lame bastards

Banj says:
She'll do anything else so I can't complain.

Banj says:
I'm not a huge fan of 'shitty-cock' anyway.

LoweyRamone says:
yeah but it's like have a sticker album but needing a 'shiney' to complete it

Banj says:
She doesn't drink anymore either so that shits out.

LoweyRamone says:
would she play a game of shit-sock with you?

Banj says:
...besides, it's like having a sticker album with one shiney of a shitty cock missing.

Banj says:
...wouldn't be that bothered.

LoweyRamone says:
ha ha

LoweyRamone says:
depends what the album was about

LoweyRamone says:
if it was a sticker album about shitty-cocks then it would be a big loss

LoweyRamone says:
i can remember my brother collecting the snooker sticker album

LoweyRamone says:
he gave me all the swaps and i had pictures of really shit snooker players all over my bedroom eg Willy Thorne on my lamp and a Neal Folwds collage on my TV cabinet

Banj says:
You lo-fi, hand-me-down-stickers, shitcunt.

LoweyRamone says:
true but if i hadn't have looked grateful he would have pinned me down and trumped in my mouth AKA a Dutch Poleaxe

Banj says:
...ha ha ha, Dutch Poleaxe

Banj says:
I'm using that.

LoweyRamone says:
Dutch Napalm = a strafing pump used when all your friends are sat on the settee   read


10:01 AM on 10.13.2007

Acting the cunt...

This is an abridged messenger conversation between two members of a warrior tribe untouched my the westernised world and living in happiness on XBOX Live.

For expositional purposes; Banj is a lone assassin struggling to get by in a world that wasn't ready for him, "James" is Banj's companion on his many wonderous adventures and the foul beast refered to as "Alan Ploptard" is some kid who James duped into texting my wife something innappropriate.

You join the tale as our hero is winding up to a series of baffling threats.





Banj says:
i.e. cock-hungry attention whore.

James says:
do you think she really wants to fuck me?

Banj says:
I think she'd take it from anyone.

Banj says:
I'm fucking sure it would take me about an hour of trying to get in her kegs.

Banj says:
She's a slapper mate, plain and simple.

James says:
i know

James says:
i am as wells though

Banj says:
...and if she isn't, then she's a tease and that's fucking worse.

Banj says:
...what's up you plop cunt?

Banj says:
Has my diatribe offended you?

Banj says:
If so, suck my balls. That slag is fine to take the piss out of but I'd rather shag a fucking bear trap, there would be less drama.

James says:
nah just had bernard* on phone
*James's girlfriend

James says:
shes so lovely

Banj says:
gay

James says:
she thinks i'm queer

Banj says:
So does Beck*.
*Banj's wife

James says:
i know

James says:
and she looks like 2 sock* as well
*James's name for Banj's wife

James says:
i got a mini-beck

Banj says:
Banj Emulator

James says:
it's like you got a ploppleganger

James says:
al fucktards online!!!

Banj says:
Destroy him!

James says:
send him a message sayign you've found out it was him

Banj says:
Okay.

James says:
i'm gonna say "banj is fuming with you al"

Banj says:
Banj: "Ramone says you're the cunt sending messages to my wife. Is that true?"

James says:
ha ha

Banj says:
...I can almost hear the plops.

James says:
i just said "Banj is right mad with you al. It's a good job i haven't told him it was you...."

James says:
you're psychic

Banj says:
I know, I really am.

James says:
you did it again the other night

James says:
i just said to gem* "It must be his wife on xbox cos Banj is still at work"
*also known as Moonpig, some XBOX Live girl James is trying to fuck

Banj says:
I know, I do it all the time. It's when I'm not thinking about what I'm saying.

James says:
then you text me saying "by the way i've left work. Have a nice time with moonpig"

James says:
it's fucking weird

Banj says:
My sister said when I was little I used to write in a really funny turn of phrase. She said she thinks I channel people.

Banj says:
...but she's a boarderline hippy and she's full of shit.

Banj says:
Alan Plopturd: "i dunno i sent 1 message 2 wat i thought was James number"

James says:
i said Banj is gonna rip your head off

James says:
poor old shitty al plopshit

Banj says:
Banj: "...dead"

James says:
he asking me how i got his number

James says:
so i said Banj gave it me

James says:
i love being a cunt don't you?

Banj says:
Sometimes I do it without being aware, when I reflect on it I'm a fucking horrible person. ...it's funny though so fuck it.

James says:
Al is fucking shitting himsself

James says:
he's just asked me what the worse that could happen and i replied "Well Banj does work for police and has access to everyones addresses etc, you're enough of a cunt to put your real name as your gamertag so i wouldn't be suprised if he doesn't come round a pay you a visit"

James says:
"he's a possessive cunt when it comes to his wife"

James says:
"he tried to smack me once just for saying his wife is nice-looking"

James says:
James, you're a genius

Banj says:
You're a cunt. He might shit it and tell the snoozers.

James says:
snoozers?

Banj says:
coppers

James says:
ha ha ha

James says:
and the coppers are really gonna follow this up

Banj says:
they totally would. and he has my mobile number.

James says:
ha ha

Banj says:
Stop shit stirring.

James says:
Banj is plopping it

Banj says:
Am I fuck, I'll just blame you.

James says:
you fucking whistleblowing grass cunt

Banj says:
I'm gonna send him another one now...

James says:
saying what?

Banj says:
Banj: "Sorry Alan, I've got to plop you a cunt."

James says:
ha ha

James says:
he's just asked what "plop you a cunt" means? what shall i say?

Banj says:
....say it means he's gonna beat you up, then shit on your carpet.

James says:
my ribs are fucking aching as fuck

Banj says:
He might buy it...

James says:
my reply......"it's slang for he's gonna fuck you up and shit on your mams carpet"

James says:
i told him i'm gonna have a word with you and try and calm you down.......just for authenticity purposes

Banj says:
Banj: "...you're piss"

James says:
ha ha

James says:
ha ha

James says:
fuck me

James says:
merely......"you're piss"

Banj says:
the simplicity...

James says:
but the power...

Banj: "I know you live in Leeds cunt, soon as I get an address I'm gonna come and fuck you."

James says:
he's just said he's getting scarey messages off you and he's worried

Banj says:
I'm gonna have to tell him before he dives out of his bedroom window.

Banj says:
...but first, Banj: "I'm gonna poke your shits in."

James says:
ha ha

Banj says:
I've told him.

James says:
gay

Banj says:
The kid was fucking plopping it.

James says:
I just said "Alan Pritchard, you've just been Cunt'd"

Banj says:
...that's brilliant. We have to 'cunt' more people.

James says:
yeah

James says:
next target?




I realise the sense of humour at work here might be a little abstract but I thought it was pretty funny. Enjoy.   read


2:15 AM on 08.28.2007

Custom D'toid Faceplate

As some of you may know, Free_Touch is an artist. As some of you may also know, Free_Touch has been painting up XBOX 360 faceplates for people.

I commissioned his talents for myself and received his masterpiece a few days ago so for those who haven't seen it in the forum, here you go.







Sorry for the shit pictures but I had to use my mobile phone, I'll replace them with 'proper' pics off my digicam if I can ever find the fucker.

Also, anyone interested in getting your own custom number, I can't recommend Free_Touch enough. The quality of the faceplate he did for me is immense.   read


11:43 AM on 08.27.2007

Confessions of a MySpace swordsman...

Okay, this is a copy/pasta of an MSM Messenger conversation between me and a beautiful D'toider who's name shall be Miss X for the protection of her identity. Also, other names have been changed for the same reason.

I was at work on Banj Holiday Monday and bored as fuck so I started flirting with a random MySpace member, a middle-aged, enormously bossomed firecracker called Maxine who I'd never spoke to before.

As you join this tale of one man's quest to scrape the very bowels of Satan I've just sent the URL of her MySpace page to Miss X so she can offer me words of encouragement.


Miss X says:
shes fucking weird. though if im 40 and still single that is my future

Banj says:
Have you seen her rack? Holy shit!

Banj says:
I'm talking to her now.

Miss X says:
are you serisously? hahahaha!

Banj says:
Yeah, I'm such a one dimentional character aren't I?

Miss X says:
nah, your full of supprises actually

Banj says:
...she's composing an e-mail of photos that got banned off MySpace for me.

Banj says:
I'm an e-swordsman.

Miss X says:
no way!

Banj says:
...way!

Miss X says:
i wanna see!

Banj says:
Okay, I'll forward it to you.

Banj says:
Fucking hell, she's taking her time. It must be a right fucking album.

Banj says:
...what do you mean I'm full of surprises anyway?

Miss X says:
well each time you seem to be doing somthing, for example, getto cosplaying to chatting up big titted lesbians on myspace

Banj says:
...is she a lesbian?

Miss X says:
probably

Banj says:
Mail recieved...

Banj says:
Oh My God!

Miss X says:
what? WHAT?!

Banj says:
what's your e-mail address?

Miss X says:
*****************@hotmail.com

Banj says:
sent

Miss X says:
recieved and loading

Miss X says:
WOAH! big tits are big! hahaha

Banj says:
...yeah, she wants to meet.

Miss X says:
lol i bet she does

Banj says:
Oh man, she wants my mobile number...

Banj says:
...suddenly I want to bail out.

Miss X says:
now what do you do? NOW WHAT!?

Banj says:
...give her my number then go rattler her?

Miss X says:
youll get aids

Banj says:
Let's not forget I'm married too.

Miss X says:
well thiers always that

Miss X says:
though i have a feeling that, that wouldnt bother her

Banj says:
Exactly, I'd never cheat regardless of my D'TOID showmanship.

Miss X says:
we all know that really

Banj says:
...bollocks, really?

Banj says:
Maxine says:
I'm not a slag though babe..I just dont want to be tied down f/t..I love men and women and I have my ex who just wants to get back with me f/t..But I dont want that yet and he`s my security if I get fed up of the dating etc lol...I think people shouldnt be tied down to one person forever..You sort it out then lol

Miss X says:
awwww bless her and her bucket sized vagina

Banj says:
Yeah, I bet she's got a snizz like a clowns pocket.

Miss X says:
definatly, like throwing a sausage down a hall way

Banj says:
...oi!

Banj says:
not my sausage

Miss X says:
obviously

Banj says:
"I'm not a slag though babe..." = fucking priceless.

Banj says:
Took me 20 minutes to get naked pictures.

Banj says:
...and now she wants to fuck me for realz.

Miss X says:
haha, your just her dream man

Banj says:
She's only human sister.

Banj says:
I need you to bare witness because Mr X was trying to pull in Stickam this morning and getting nowhere...

Miss X says:
really? hahahahahahaha!

Banj says:
yeah, it was hella fun.

Miss X says:
well everyone in stickam is convinced that you actually are my brother

Banj says:
we should keep up that pretence then and evey now and again I'll something totally inappropriate to you.

Miss X says:
which normal anyway.

Banj says:
...how dare you sir!

Banj says:
I'm the embodiment of propriety and gentlemanliness.

Miss X says:
oh course you are

Banj says:
Well, I feel quite deflated after that little encounter. I fucked her off by telling her I needed to get back to work but I'm missing her desperation now.

Miss X says:
haha, nice.

Banj says:
How's your love life working out? Got any more gay actors in tow

Miss X says:
um not really. its still totaly dead

Banj says:
Bummer, well I'd chat you up bat as you can tell by the e-mail, my fee is fairly steep.

Miss X says:
yeah so ive heard

Banj says:
...and seen.


I would have posted the pictures but, trust me, they were porn of the lowest calibur.   read


4:33 AM on 08.26.2007

Exposition as a gameplay mechanic...

I'm at work and I'm bored. There are only so many YouTube videos you can watch before your head melts clean off.

So, I started thinking about stuff.

Kasumi, tits, poo, cigarettes, BioShock... Now, before you all run away, this isn't just another vapid post about "OMG!!! TEH BYOSHOKZ IS 1337 WINSKI SNIZZLE FIZZ!!!" etc (well, not entirely anyway), I have some actual observations to to share with you.

See, I was sitting here thinking about how absolutely amazing the game is when it dawned on me that in the game I am actively seeking exposition. I am craving the story, searching every nook and cranny for the audio logs and playing them all through the pause menu so I can read the transcription too so I don't miss any details. I am scanning every wall, floor and ceiling for the graffiti that hints at a backstory I have yet to discover. I am relating the audio clues to the environment itself, seeing signs of a struggle here, a dead body with a backstory there.

Then, another revelation hit me. I never do this. I am Mr Cutscene Skipper, I'm all about the gameplay.

See, the thing is, videogames to me are very childlike and cartoonish in their stories or characterisations. They are, most of the time, full of one dimensional stereotypes with blatant drives and a penchant for the dramatic and on the occasion a videogame tries to give a character some depth, some humanity, it just becomes a laughably immature caricature of actual human emotion (except in the case of Rock* who are intentionally satirical), hence, my complete lack of interest in anything except the gameplay.

A shining example of the above, and I realise this will make me about as popular as a turd in a swimming pool, is Metal Gear Solid. Behind the fascade of insightfull socio-political commentary lies a story that is pure childish fantasy. No matter how poetic Snake's bitching about war may sound, the actual content is fucking ballbaggery. That is a series masquerading as having mature themes and being story driven but the real challenge is in sitting through the fucking endless, baffling, pointless cutscenes.

This may sound like flame-bait, or indeed, one man's campaign of hatred against Kojima but the same can be said of all games that claim to be story driven and for a mature audience. e.g. Farenheit (Indigo Prophecy), Condemned, F.E.A.R., Parapa The Rapper... okay, maybe not that one, but these games all merely have the illusion of being mature, or having a story with a modicum of intellect. If you scratch the surface then the story is infact boring, childish, simple and stupid.

Indeed, BioShock too has a silly ass storyline. Fucking stemcell producing sea slugs? Plasmids that let you freeze bitches then break them into peices with a wrench because you took a 'super hard' tablet? It's bollocks isn't it...

It's the integration of this story, the way you feel like Columbo peicing it all together, it's the atmosphere, it's the...

...aw, fuck it. BIZZLE SHIZZLE IS THE SNIZZLE!!!




p.s. got bored of hyperlinking stuff so, y'know...   read


1:51 AM on 08.24.2007

TESCO: "We hate BioSchlong"

6:32am, TESCO

"Excuse me..." said the ruggedly handsome young warrior, "I'm looking for BioShock. It's a videogame that should be released today for the XBOX 360 but I can't see it anywhere."

The TESCO beast barely looked up from her pricing gun. "Have you looked in the videogame section?"

'No' thought Banj, 'I didn't look there because I'm a spastic'. "Yeah, I thought that's where it would be." He reeled from the statement as soon as it left his breath, it was a double-edged sword and depending upon how the TESCO troll chose to take it would either make him look really sarcastic or really fucking stupid.

The pricing gun slammed down the shelf the TESCO beast was working on. Obviously this specimen had an exciting new twist on the slogan 'the customer is always right'. She'd rewritten it and it flashed across her eyes, written in neon as she looked up at him, 'the customer is always a cunt'.

"People don't normally buy things like that this early. Hang on" she barked, "I'll go check. What was is? Buy... Buy what?"

"BioShock"

"...for Playstation."

"XBOX"

Banj imagined her loud, clomping footsteps as she walked away as reports of rounds fired from an assault rifle as he walked from isle to isle culling this retarded herd. He mentally made his way through each checkout, two each in the head. He stormed the Security office taking out the fat, stupid security guards using the days fresh bagels as makeshift shuriken, than continued towards the managers office.

Alone in the entertainment isle at 06:36am on a Friday morning Banj imagined a camera doing a slow pan out from the front of the store. First the TESCO sign was revealed, it's bold red statement invoking images of Soviet Russia. A quick mental ajustment and the 'O' in TESCO became a sickle. The camera continued to pan out showing the deep red of the lettering continuing up the wall above the sign. The manager, gutted as a fish, hung like the crucifix from one of the unnecessary poles jutting out above the supermarket, it's purpose or, more likely, pretencious symbology known only to the architect of this urban work of modern art.

"Sorry love, we don't have it."

Banj snapped back to reality. 'Love' he though? 'Motherfucker, I'm 10 years older than you'.

"Okay, thanks for looking anyway." he smiled, 'you silly cow' he mantally added turning his back on her and walking out of the store.



True Story.   read


4:03 AM on 08.23.2007

Doctor, I can't stop fucking about...



It's the look of bewilderment that I recognise, the slow dawning realisation that spreads over their faces as they realise what I'm trying to do. They think I'm broken, I can tell. They think my cognitive process is different, there's some loose wiring or something. They just can't see it, they can't see the purity, the complete, clean purity of finishing the Calypso Casino level using only a pistol and only shooting for eye sockets...

My name is Banj and I have a problem. I am unable to play videogames in the manner of their design. I suppose it's a form of obssessive compulsive dissorder when you play Fight Night: Round 3 with your friends but are compelled to only use your left hand, and only use jabs. Obviously my win/loose ratio is fucked but that's not the point.

I've found this affliction severly hampers your ability to finish games. I've only just finished Saints Row although I bought it at launch. I couldn't get anywhere with it because I'd be travelling to a mission marker, pass a cop car and the little voice in my head would be saying "Go on Banj, just shoot him once. He won't mind, he won't even notice..." then manically laughing as I'm being chased down by SWAT five seconds later.

It took me 30 hours to kill all the kingpins on Crackdown on the first run through. I was far more interested in kicking my co-op buddy off whatever building he was on, desperately trying to evade this XBOX Live psycho who entered his game with the sole intention of breaking the unspoken rules.

None of my friends will play Double Dragon with the videogame Judas...

I'm sure everyone does it... When you play a sandbox style GTA game how many of you make your own game within the game? My best mate turned San Andreas into a sex toy. The idea was to get 3 wanted stars and survive as long as possible, while whoever wasn't playing performed oral sex. When the player died they swapped roles.

Obviously, my mate is a fucking ninja at GTA...

So, do any of you have a similar problem? Do you have your own special fun attached to games? Games within games? Tell me all about it. This is our therapy group, my name is Banj and I have a problem.




Thanks to Sheir who inspired this blog by reminding me why I never finish games.   read





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