You're all Wrong, Kuja's Best!!!

Okay, I will not deny the awesomeness of either Kefka, Sephiroth, or any other final fantasy villain for that matter, but merely to explain why in my mind, Kuja would make all the other vilians seem like pansies in comparison. There probably aren't alot of people who agree with me, but I hope to change their minds, or at least let them see my point of view. Here, I come to Kuja’s defense as if I were proving his case in a court of law. I’ll let Destructoid be the jury.



Exhibit A: Kuja’s theme music is fucking awesome. It’s simple, yet haunting and chilling. There’s no pretentious choir like Sephiroth’s One Winged Angel or elaborate and complicated sections to it like Kefka’s but it does it’s job of letting you know that the villain is on the scene ready to do some malicious shit.

Exhibit B: Androgyny is frightening due to its sexual ambiguity. The Japanese know this well and use that to their advantage to make their bad guys super scary. You may think Sephiroth is androgynous with all that long flowing hair, and Kefka could bury the pyramids under all that makeup, but they may as well look like the guys in contra compared to all the androgyny that Kuja wields. He unfolds his master plan while talking about it as if it were a play, and we all know ‘plays are for the gays’. For crying out loud, the man wears a thong on the battlefield! Anybody who does that can't be afraid of whatever you're gonna dish out against them, and is probably more concerned with throwing you off your game before you even face them. To top it all off, he’s got a tail. That’s right, he’s not only sexually ambiguous, he’s species ambiguous too. It’s almost as if some horrible serial killer blew up a building that somehow held several zoo animals and transsexuals in it, all in an attempt to harvest the corpses so he could sew them together to create a Cirque Du Soleil performer. No villain could even dare to have such a horrific origin story.



Yeah, I reused the image, but it's even more relevant to this blog! Why? Because...

Exhibit C: Kuja kidnaps children and underage girls with the help of twisted midget clown twins! Of course, he says it's for the eidolons trapped inside those supple young bodies, but you know he must get off on that kind of deranged fantasy situation. Even the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang would be uncomfortable with the stuff Kuja does.

Exhibit D: He rides a fucking silver dragon! That’s right he rides the famous C-Blog recapper Silverdragon1979!



No other villain has a ride that baller! You can't deny that a silver dragon is one of the most pimpin' transports there is.

Exhibit E: When he goes ‘trance’ all of his hair literally becomes feathers! Sephiroth would be so jealous if he knew. On top of the new look his trance allows him to wipe out your party with a single use of the spell Ultima.



Exhibit F: He went from being a simple doll and lackey for Garland to almost destroying all of life and existence. Not many can claim to even have dreams that big, let alone getting so close to accomplishing them. Kefka may have in fact been successful in bringing on an apocalypse and ending civilization in FF6, but it was Kuja who actually engulfed and destroyed the dying world of Terra for a lark on his way to trying to wipe out the crystal of life. Technically, he was even successful in his plan, killing the party and bringing about Necron, the ultimate harbinger of death. If Zidane and his group hadn’t simply refused to stop moving and beat Necron into submission, Kuja would have won.

I rest my case! So, after seeing all this evidence, are you still so sure that your favorite villain could go toe to toe with Kuja and win? Or would he take one look at Kuja and go mad like weaker mortals have? Ask yourselves this before you comment: Who would you be more afraid to be in the same room with, a dude with long hair, a creepy clown, or some freak whose part monkey, part woman and all villain?