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3:23 PM on 03.14.2009 // Ballistic
How to Build a Time Machine Out of Popsicle Sticks. (NVGR)

Okay guys, since it's a slow weekend, I'll bring some entertainment (hopefully) to the c-blogs. The following is an article I wrote for a college English course given the prompt, "write an essay in the form of a step by step guide." Our teacher encouraged creativity and humor, but I think I went a little bit beyond what he was expecting from us. I wrote a love letter to Back to the Future. This, is that love letter.



Have you ever wanted to go back in time to any major event in our history? Well, now you can with these easy-to-follow directions! In no time at all, youíll have a time traveling machine that will actually work! (Disclaimer: This process is NOT guaranteed to result in a vessel capable of traveling through time) With just Popsicle sticks, some elbow grease, and determination, traveling through time can be possible.

The first step in creating the time machine is gathering all the Popsicle sticks you will need, and trust me, too much will not hurt! A great source for gathering Popsicle sticks is in the frozen foods section of your local grocery store. Iím of course talking about delicious frozen Popsicles! Just buy all that the store has to offer, and then go to any other store that might sell them and buy them as well. After youíve raided every available Popsicle stand, pun intended, bring them home to your refrigerator. Your goal now is to lick your way down to the prize, the Popsicle stick itself. The task of licking this much ice cream might be a little too much for you alone to handle, so invite some friendly neighborhood children in for some as well! Iím sure theyíll come running if they hear you shout, ďI could sure use some help licking all these PopsiclesĒ and youíll be thought of as a very kind person around the neighborhood for being so generous. Iíve also heard that you could buy packs of Popsicle sticks at an arts and crafts store, but who would want to go in such a pretentious place?! And besides, youíve earned a nice spot in the hearts of your fellow citizens.

Next, comes more drastic measures, you are going to have to get your hands on some weapons grade plutonium. Now, you donít just walk into a store and buy plutonium. Itís not that easy, even for some powerful countries, but it can be done! A dangerous but surefire method is to steal it from someone who already has it. In these days of strife and conflict, many terrorist groups could likely have some in their possession. If you choose to obtain it from them, then you will have to infiltrate their ranks first. Learn their language, goals, and become a memberís friend. Then one day casually mention in a conversation that you would like to become one of them, and that access to their weapons grade plutonium wouldnít hurt. I myself have not tried this step, but I will assure you that if you have followed my steps, they will let you see their shiny radioactive plutonium. After that, quickly swipe the biggest sample of the material you can get your hands on and get out of there! Soon the extremists will likely want to have your head on a pike, so you will need to finish the time machine quickly!

Now that youíve acquired the fuel for the time machine, itís time for you to build the part that makes time travel possible, the time-flux capacitor! This is a piece of machinery that has confounded modern science for all of the ages, a device that can actually bend time! But as the movies have taught us, all you need is an epiphany in order to accomplish a little thing like breaking the laws of physics. An epiphany is a moment of realization where you can think clearly about something and are able to imagine a solution to a problem, all while doing something mundane. My personal suggestion for creating an epiphany in this case involves hanging a clock in the bathroom. Not a particularly dangerous thing to do, unless youíre standing on a slippery toilet to do it. While your standing up there, concentrate on the topic of your time machine, cruising through time and picking up hot chicks in the future, let yourself lose balance and when you fall, aim your head for the sink. If you just clip it, and there isnít much blood, youíve hit the sweet spot. This will cause your to have an epiphany abut how the flux capacitor works, and from there itís easy!



Youíve finally gotten all the necessary parts to create the time machine, so letís start building! Now, the way I see it, if youíre going to build a time machine, why not do it with some style? Thatís why the body of the time machine should be built from a 1981 De Lorean. A clichť choice, but one thatís sure to make you popular with the ladies of any time period. Just make sure to watch out for those nuts in the 1950ís whoíll think youíre driving a space ship! Be sure to wear a radiation suit when you insert the plutonium core, as the radiation is lethal. Donít be afraid to use a little force when putting it together, just remember that anything can fit if you make it. Finally, after every piece is up and running, itís important to work on the most critical part, the air freshener. Using the Popsicle sticks that you obtained and a little bit of glue, you can fashion an air freshener in almost any shape, from flower to geodesic dome! After youíve got the design you want, just spray it with your deodorant of choice and you are ready to go! Now, thereís no limit to where and when you can go!

Congratulations, you have put together a time machine, going on an adventure that will only be equaled by the ones you have exploring the time-space continuum. Have fun fellow chrononauts, but remember that there are many pitfalls you will need to watch out for when time traveling, such as stopping yourself from ever being born, creating an alternate timeline because you altered the past ,and being struck by lightning and becoming stuck in the old west. Oh, and donít forget about those terrorists! Stay safe, and remember, you couldnít have done it without this guide!

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