Okay, I will not deny the awesomeness of either Kefka, Sephiroth, or any other final fantasy villain for that matter, but merely to explain why in my mind, Kuja would make all the other vilians seem like pansies in comparison. There probably aren't alot of people who agree with me, but I hope to change their minds, or at least let them see my point of view. Here, I come to Kuja’s defense as if I were proving his case in a court of law. I’ll let Destructoid be the jury.



Exhibit A: Kuja’s theme music is fucking awesome. It’s simple, yet haunting and chilling. There’s no pretentious choir like Sephiroth’s One Winged Angel or elaborate and complicated sections to it like Kefka’s but it does it’s job of letting you know that the villain is on the scene ready to do some malicious shit.

Exhibit B: Androgyny is frightening due to its sexual ambiguity. The Japanese know this well and use that to their advantage to make their bad guys super scary. You may think Sephiroth is androgynous with all that long flowing hair, and Kefka could bury the pyramids under all that makeup, but they may as well look like the guys in contra compared to all the androgyny that Kuja wields. He unfolds his master plan while talking about it as if it were a play, and we all know ‘plays are for the gays’. For crying out loud, the man wears a thong on the battlefield! Anybody who does that can't be afraid of whatever you're gonna dish out against them, and is probably more concerned with throwing you off your game before you even face them. To top it all off, he’s got a tail. That’s right, he’s not only sexually ambiguous, he’s species ambiguous too. It’s almost as if some horrible serial killer blew up a building that somehow held several zoo animals and transsexuals in it, all in an attempt to harvest the corpses so he could sew them together to create a Cirque Du Soleil performer. No villain could even dare to have such a horrific origin story.



Yeah, I reused the image, but it's even more relevant to this blog! Why? Because...

Exhibit C: Kuja kidnaps children and underage girls with the help of twisted midget clown twins! Of course, he says it's for the eidolons trapped inside those supple young bodies, but you know he must get off on that kind of deranged fantasy situation. Even the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang would be uncomfortable with the stuff Kuja does.

Exhibit D: He rides a fucking silver dragon! That’s right he rides the famous C-Blog recapper Silverdragon1979!



No other villain has a ride that baller! You can't deny that a silver dragon is one of the most pimpin' transports there is.

Exhibit E: When he goes ‘trance’ all of his hair literally becomes feathers! Sephiroth would be so jealous if he knew. On top of the new look his trance allows him to wipe out your party with a single use of the spell Ultima.



Exhibit F: He went from being a simple doll and lackey for Garland to almost destroying all of life and existence. Not many can claim to even have dreams that big, let alone getting so close to accomplishing them. Kefka may have in fact been successful in bringing on an apocalypse and ending civilization in FF6, but it was Kuja who actually engulfed and destroyed the dying world of Terra for a lark on his way to trying to wipe out the crystal of life. Technically, he was even successful in his plan, killing the party and bringing about Necron, the ultimate harbinger of death. If Zidane and his group hadn’t simply refused to stop moving and beat Necron into submission, Kuja would have won.

I rest my case! So, after seeing all this evidence, are you still so sure that your favorite villain could go toe to toe with Kuja and win? Or would he take one look at Kuja and go mad like weaker mortals have? Ask yourselves this before you comment: Who would you be more afraid to be in the same room with, a dude with long hair, a creepy clown, or some freak whose part monkey, part woman and all villain?

Okay guys, since it's a slow weekend, I'll bring some entertainment (hopefully) to the c-blogs. The following is an article I wrote for a college English course given the prompt, "write an essay in the form of a step by step guide." Our teacher encouraged creativity and humor, but I think I went a little bit beyond what he was expecting from us. I wrote a love letter to Back to the Future. This, is that love letter.



Have you ever wanted to go back in time to any major event in our history? Well, now you can with these easy-to-follow directions! In no time at all, you’ll have a time traveling machine that will actually work! (Disclaimer: This process is NOT guaranteed to result in a vessel capable of traveling through time) With just Popsicle sticks, some elbow grease, and determination, traveling through time can be possible.

The first step in creating the time machine is gathering all the Popsicle sticks you will need, and trust me, too much will not hurt! A great source for gathering Popsicle sticks is in the frozen foods section of your local grocery store. I’m of course talking about delicious frozen Popsicles! Just buy all that the store has to offer, and then go to any other store that might sell them and buy them as well. After you’ve raided every available Popsicle stand, pun intended, bring them home to your refrigerator. Your goal now is to lick your way down to the prize, the Popsicle stick itself. The task of licking this much ice cream might be a little too much for you alone to handle, so invite some friendly neighborhood children in for some as well! I’m sure they’ll come running if they hear you shout, “I could sure use some help licking all these Popsicles” and you’ll be thought of as a very kind person around the neighborhood for being so generous. I’ve also heard that you could buy packs of Popsicle sticks at an arts and crafts store, but who would want to go in such a pretentious place?! And besides, you’ve earned a nice spot in the hearts of your fellow citizens.

Next, comes more drastic measures, you are going to have to get your hands on some weapons grade plutonium. Now, you don’t just walk into a store and buy plutonium. It’s not that easy, even for some powerful countries, but it can be done! A dangerous but surefire method is to steal it from someone who already has it. In these days of strife and conflict, many terrorist groups could likely have some in their possession. If you choose to obtain it from them, then you will have to infiltrate their ranks first. Learn their language, goals, and become a member’s friend. Then one day casually mention in a conversation that you would like to become one of them, and that access to their weapons grade plutonium wouldn’t hurt. I myself have not tried this step, but I will assure you that if you have followed my steps, they will let you see their shiny radioactive plutonium. After that, quickly swipe the biggest sample of the material you can get your hands on and get out of there! Soon the extremists will likely want to have your head on a pike, so you will need to finish the time machine quickly!

Now that you’ve acquired the fuel for the time machine, it’s time for you to build the part that makes time travel possible, the time-flux capacitor! This is a piece of machinery that has confounded modern science for all of the ages, a device that can actually bend time! But as the movies have taught us, all you need is an epiphany in order to accomplish a little thing like breaking the laws of physics. An epiphany is a moment of realization where you can think clearly about something and are able to imagine a solution to a problem, all while doing something mundane. My personal suggestion for creating an epiphany in this case involves hanging a clock in the bathroom. Not a particularly dangerous thing to do, unless you’re standing on a slippery toilet to do it. While your standing up there, concentrate on the topic of your time machine, cruising through time and picking up hot chicks in the future, let yourself lose balance and when you fall, aim your head for the sink. If you just clip it, and there isn’t much blood, you’ve hit the sweet spot. This will cause your to have an epiphany abut how the flux capacitor works, and from there it’s easy!



You’ve finally gotten all the necessary parts to create the time machine, so let’s start building! Now, the way I see it, if you’re going to build a time machine, why not do it with some style? That’s why the body of the time machine should be built from a 1981 De Lorean. A cliché choice, but one that’s sure to make you popular with the ladies of any time period. Just make sure to watch out for those nuts in the 1950’s who’ll think you’re driving a space ship! Be sure to wear a radiation suit when you insert the plutonium core, as the radiation is lethal. Don’t be afraid to use a little force when putting it together, just remember that anything can fit if you make it. Finally, after every piece is up and running, it’s important to work on the most critical part, the air freshener. Using the Popsicle sticks that you obtained and a little bit of glue, you can fashion an air freshener in almost any shape, from flower to geodesic dome! After you’ve got the design you want, just spray it with your deodorant of choice and you are ready to go! Now, there’s no limit to where and when you can go!

Congratulations, you have put together a time machine, going on an adventure that will only be equaled by the ones you have exploring the time-space continuum. Have fun fellow chrononauts, but remember that there are many pitfalls you will need to watch out for when time traveling, such as stopping yourself from ever being born, creating an alternate timeline because you altered the past ,and being struck by lightning and becoming stuck in the old west. Oh, and don’t forget about those terrorists! Stay safe, and remember, you couldn’t have done it without this guide!

This is my monument to a little white machine that I had to let go today. I’ll tell you why it’s now gone, but before I do that, let me tell you the story of the day I got my Wii.

About a year ago, I had just come into some cash, and at a fortuitous time, because Super Smash Brothers Brawl was about to be released. The smash dojo was pumping out screenshots and gameplay features daily, so hype for the game was at critical mass. Back then, in between going to classes at my local community college (go underachieve without leaving your home!) I would hang out with a high school friend named Drew, who had my class and play Call of Duty 4 online matches. Things were pretty sweet actually.

The Wii was still really hard to find back then, and every time I checked Wal-Mart or GameStop, they would say they were out of them. I was starting to think that I wouldn’t actually get my hands on a Wii for the midnight release of brawl. That was unacceptable to me, because in my circle of friends, I’d get left in the dust if I didn’t get my own time to train with the game. Drew would also help out with my quest and let me know if he saw one.

One day, as we were leaving the college, Drew announced that he had to go to Walmart for something and asked if I’d like to ride along and check for a Wii. I jumped at the chance, but not because I thought I would get one, but because there was nothing else to do between classes. Everything seemed to be business as usual when I got there, no Wii in sight,. As I walked out of there, I decided to also check on the GameStop in the same shopping center, with even less expectation of finding one.

The place was nearly empty because it was only about noon when we got there, and a pretty nice young girl was working. I walked up to the counter, already defeated in my mind and asked if they had any Wii’s in stock. She said yes in a pleasant tone. “Oh” I believe I said, and almost walked out without registering what that meant. When it dawned on me, I turned to look at Drew, who had an even better reaction on his face that I must have had. I suddenly felt very happy, but also very nervous. I don’t immediately jump onto big decisions like spending money, and so I couldn’t help but have some hesitation at the moment.

I withdrew into a corner of the store with him and began to ask, “What do you think I should do? I’ve got the money, but I don’t want to just blow it so quick without thinking! Plus, my mom would kill me if she knew I had done something like that” Drew, who doesn’t ever think about decisions but simply does them couldn’t even believe I was asking this and pushed me back up to the counter. I knew he was right, and so I went through with the transaction and left the store feeling happy but a little shocked at what had happened.

On the way back, Drew shouted, “Dude, you just got a Wii!” that made me realize just how excited I should be. I opened up the box, something that always makes the gamer inside me alive with anticipation, and smelled the new electronics smell that enticed me to play it. The moment of unboxing a new system is always exciting, and seeing the pristine parts for the system for the first time made the purchase worth it to me. If you really wanted to stretch for an analogy; it’d be like a mother falling in love with her baby for the first time upon birthing it.

It’s only been about a year since I first got it, but I needed to pay off a debt I owed, TODAY. So that was the quickest thing I could sell and raise the cash needed to pay it. I didn’t have an SD card either, so my VC games and super smash brothers brawl save file is vaporized. I watched them format it when they took it. Like watching them euthanize your puppy or something. It sucked. I still have my trusty Ps2 (knock on wood) and brawl will always be played at someone else’s house so my gaming will mostly be the same as it was before.

I don’t think I’ll buy another Wii though. Even though I loved the one I had, there isn’t much there to draw me back. To be honest, Brawl was the only thing that I bought the Wii for, and besides the virtual console games, the only thing I had for it. The next system purchase for me will either be a Ps3 or a 360. So, why don’t you guys tell me about some of the experiences you guys have had with the Wii, good or bad.

For anyone who missed it, Reverend Anthony took time out of his day of stomping on kittens and raping all that is good and happy with the world to personally spit on what many gamers here on destructoid find close to their hearts, JRPGS in this blog. His opening volley was a nice little Indy “game” called Linear RPG which I actually found to be worth playing, and found hilarious in it’s lampooning of JRPG storyline. But the thing is, Anthony took that harmless little game and used it to base his entire argument against the JRPG without considering what people really enjoy about the subgenre. Hopefully I can explain what I think are the reasons we love RPGS/JRPGS and provide direct responses to Anthonys’ own attacks against them in a way that you can relate to and understand.



JRPGS are built on ritual. You’ve heard the story a million times before, in the same way, with practically the same character archetypes, and yet you still find yourself attracted to the next shiny new game, which promises to be essentially the same thing, and yet you find that to be a good thing. WHY? It’s because we crave that sameness. We want to grow accustomed to that battle theme that we’ll hear literally thousands of times, we want to be able to navigate the menu screen without even looking at the television because of how often we’ve specifically used hyper potion, we want to be comforted in the knowledge that every single enemy of the same type can be killed with the same exact formula every friggin time.

I know some of you reading this who love JRPGS will be disagreeing with me on some of those examples, but to some degree my point is true: JRPGS are built to be stable, predictable, and ritualistic. It’s what makes the old ones so endearing to us, because they have become ingrained so strongly in our memories. Every facet of the experience of playing them gets stuck in our heads because we experience it a million times before it’s over. What would normally be an annoying and frustrating experience to a non fan becomes familiar and soothing to the fan of JRPGS. Just answer me this: would we feel as connected to characters in RPGs so much if we only went through a dozen battles with them, versus the countless number of battles that we have with them? Stories in RPGS are usually meant to have taken place over a considerable period of time, and because of that, the characters in the game feel closer to each other. This feeling usually is even shared with the player because of the extensive real life hours the player has put into the game through this padding of lather rinse repeat gameplay.




JRPGS are founded upon character interaction. I noticed Linear RPG was missing a critical part of the JRPG experience, the party. Oh sure there was the love interest, or Tseret Nievol as she was cleverly called, but a JRPG isn’t the same without a full party. The epic nature of the story of an RPG is meant to show that no one person is capable of tackling such a huge problem like the apocalypse alone. It is only through the power of friendship and all that Captain Planet Ma’Ti business that the main character ever makes it to the final boss. Lovers of JRPGS also desire to see a variety in what kind of people join the protagonist in his quest, and want to also feel like they’re a part of such an incredible group.

Some of the best characters in RPGs haven’t even been the main characters or even the ones most relevant to the plot. It’s been the minor party members that are simply there to provide a distraction from the main battle that have been the most endearing to fans. Cait Sith, Koromaru, Mog, and many other minor party members have been that special element that changes the party’s dynamic and made the group feel unique to that RPG, and not simply another Mage/Warrior/Thief combo. Without a rounded out party, there is no respite from the problems of the main characters, and no other people for the main character to talk their problems out with. It isn't even possible for the protagonist to handle all the different types of enemies out there without the specialized help of a well rounded cast.



JRPGS have choice, not in battle, or story, but in the methods used to prepare the party. Here’s where the Linear RPG comparison to real RPGs completely breaks down. Nowhere in Linear RPG did you have to stop and check to see if your materia was lined up right so that you wouldn’t just be casting Fire on one guy, but the whole group. Nowhere in Linear RPG did you have to re-equip your weapons so that they weren’t just the strongest, but the most effective against the particular enemy you were facing. Nowhere did you need to realize that the enemies weren’t regular baddies, but Zombified, and you do best to throw some Phoenix Downs on them to insta-kill them. Equipment and Party management in RPGs are a small thing, but are really the one thing that is left mostly up to the player to figure out how to use the way they want to.

The variety of ways that JRPGS uniquely handle leveling up and party management is where the real strategy and player‘s style shines through. If I were to take a look at one person‘s version of Khimari in Final Fantasy 10, he might not play anything like another person‘s through the nature of the sphere grid. The materia system of FF7 also makes it possible for player customization to create whatever kind of effects you would like for your characters to have in battle. Believe it or not, when I see my friends play RPGS, it’s hard not to notice all the little differences that their choices have made in their playstyle.



Good JRPGS have strategy in battle if you do not grind all the damn time. But I will easily concede that if it‘s strategy that game designers want us to use, then they must design a better method of limiting or ending grinding. Many longtime JRPG players seem to fall into either 1 of 2 camps. They either love the grind and come back to the game after it’s beaten to try and outgrind themselves, or they challenge themselves to beat the game with as little effort put into grinding as possible. I guess I’m of the second type.

Something I noticed myself doing in Persona 3 relates to this. I found myself getting into a pattern of racing to get to the tops of each segment of the tower that was unlocked without running into too many encounters, which I had learned to avoid extremely well if I wanted, and lock down the teleport that was available at the top. Then after exiting and saving, I’d play the boss. Sometimes I’d get my ass beat, and other times, I would hang in there. I’d look for the patterns in the bosses’ attack, seeing what weaknesses my party members would have to him, and work out a plan of attack. With my characters underleveled, each move was a matter of life and death. I’d restore dead party members, only to have my party wiped out, try again, and the same thing would happen. Eventually I’d give up and go back to leveling, but with a sweet spot in mind to level up to. You see, there’s a moment in those underpowered battles where you’ve been able to weather the worst of the enemies attacks, your party has been brought back to acceptable health levels, and there’s this great sense that the battle is under control and you can see it out to the end if you don’t screw anything else up. It’s kind of thrilling when it happens, but it’s never there if you always have the advantage of higher levels.



I want to end this by saying that even though I only agree with about 3% of what Reverend Anthony believes, I almost always strongly respect his opinions because he backs them up well, and with great reasons. I feel like this was one of the most inflammatory things I’ve read about games, while also being the most well reasoned, and it made me want to respond back with my own well reasoned and explained love of JRPGS. I hope that this in turn garners some well reasoned and explained comments, but that’s up to you.


P.S. I personally love one person’s comment on how to EXPLOIT the leveling system of Linear RPG, that was side splitting.

Well, I know the best time to do these blogs have passed, but I'm still doing this because it's almost a requirement at this point. When I came to the C-blogs last night and saw the state that they were in I was almost disapointed, because I really underestimated just how much quality you guys put into these things. But as I read them, I found out so much cool interesting stuff about everyone that I got the urge to do one myself.

1. My favorite author is Stephen King, and of his 40+ books, I love his 'Dark Tower' series the best. It was my obsession in high school, when he finally released the last of the books in the series. I was actually disapointed with most of the stuff in the final books, except for the ending, that was perfect to me. Roland of Gilead is one of the biggest badasses in fiction. If you claim to be a Tower Junkie like me, then let me know down in the comments, I love to hear from fellow fans.

2. I'm in a series of short films on youtube that my friends and I did. It's called Pipe Fighters, and in it we fight each other with pipes in alleyways using really fake superpowers, with a story thrown in there. It's about as terrible as it sounds, but it's hilarious for that, sort of like watching wrestling. Related to filming this, I have done some kind of illegal things, but the most hilarious one has to be the time the cops showed up as we were filming with me in a santa suit in front of the courthouse at night. Good Times, good times.

phony commercial advertising a lego set for pipe fighters. I'm the morbidly obese half black one.


3. As a child, when my used super nintendo refused to play any more games, I took it out back and bashed it to pieces with a hammer. I think I even did something similar with my nintendo. I'm not sure just how the retro fans are gonna take that, but my number 4 might be worse...

4. I hate the dreamcast. Maybe hate is too strong, I really dislike the whole concept of the dreamcast. At the time it was released, I thought it was really stupid because it had video memory cards that left gaping holes in the controller when they weren't there, and the cord attached to the controller from the bottom instead of the top. Never played any games on it, but at the time I thought it was retarded.

5. I've been tazered in the but-tocks. That's also on film.

6. My drive to draw and read are slowly dying, and that really makes me sad. In my teenage years, if I wasn't playing games, I was either reading, or drawing something I was reading about or playing. It's been a part of who I am for the longest time, but now that I'm getting older and 'mature', if that's actually possible, I haven't done much of either. It's something I really want to try and fix, but don't know how. I'll try and upload some of my earlier stuff on here at some point.

7. I've shot one of my friends directly in the eye with an automatic airsoft gun. We occasionally play games of airsoft at night, specifically a match where everyone hunts down my friend Blake because he's an excellent Sniper and will usually kill us before we kill him. One night, I was given an automatic to use when I'm normally stuck with the single shot cheaper guns. Somehow that kind of made me mad with power and I went hunting for Blake based on the sound he was making walking through the forest. Well, he made a noise trying to shoot at me, and I whip-turned and let off a half dozen shots in the direction of his sound. I thought he was playing a trick on me when he let out a scream but didn't come out from hiding.

8. I have several nicknames, but many many people know me as "Toby". It's a stupid and complicated yet simple story how I got that nickname.

9. I've owned 3 playstation 2's. The first was a refurbished one from gamestop that I ended up pulling off my dresser because I pulled my controller too fast. The second one is a story in it's own right because my friends pooled their money together and bought that one used online one year for Christmas. That one eventually succumbed to the Disk Read Errors. The third I recently bought refurbished at gamestop, but I got a warranty and it's been great this entire time, Knock On Wood.

10. Milk and Goldfish crackers are my lifeblood. I could live off of nothing but that for several days at a time.

Well, for anyone who took the time to read this, thank you!

I know, who freaking releases their monthly musings article on the last possible day? Well, if you know me (and you probably don‘t), then you know I procrastinate like crazy, but that’s actually not the cause of this delay. This delay comes from my problem with not knowing how to tackle this month’s topic of playing with others. My mind’s been trying to approach it from several different ways, but with failure every time. But here’s hoping I hit the nail on the head this time.

Super Smash Bros Melee was an obvious pick for the subject of multiplayer gaming for me because I’ve never gained as much experience in playing any other game, or learned so much from playing a game with other people. I’m not just talking about things I’ve learned about relating to how to play the game either, I mean I’ve learned freaking life lessons from this stuff. And I didn’t even realize just how influential it’s been in these recent years until just now.

Do you know the feeling of having a skill within yourself that you are so trained in that you have utter confidence in your ability to perform it well? It’s something that I had never truly felt until I gained it from playing Melee so much. You really can’t get that satisfaction in yourself unless you have it tested against others regularly, and multiplayer games shines in that area. It’s kind of ridiculous to say that I have self confidence in myself because of video games, but I have seen the difference it’s made in me after these years. I know that the confidence I’ve gained has given me the courage to try other things that are difficult for me, and has in effect, made me more of a sociable and well rounded person. In fact, I would probably still be a lurker on Destructoid instead of a contributing poster if melee hadn‘t instilled a greater sense of pride in my gaming ability.

Hanging out with friends, and sparring against your friends, whether it be in real life or virtually, are two different things. You can talk to your friends and gain close personal knowledge of who they really are, and still not know them at all the way you do if you were to face them in combat. That sounds like something you‘d hear Snake say in Metal Gear Solid, but I‘ve found that it‘s true. There’s a different sort of knowledge of your friend’s mind that’s given to you when you have to guess their attacks’ and their strategies against you. I know my friend Seth will always go after the guy who gets above 100 damage first, and makes sure to kill anyone who continues to try get back on the stage after almost dying. I know my friend Casey is much better at single combat and tries to stay out of the fray that a four player match creates, only to clean up against the last man standing. I know my friend Chris looks for opportunities to get into those same frays that Casey sometimes avoids just hoping to send everyone flying, but is also sometimes vengeful and will hunt you down for something you could have done to him.

These are little things, but they speak of deeper parts of their personalities. We know each other better for the quirks that we have in these melee matches than we have through half our conversations. And through all this continual sparring and fighting comes a great sense of brotherhood. We all have the mutual feeling that if one of us got challenged to a game, the rest of us would be there to back us up and root for us, then kick our ass if we lost. In effect, it’s helped me to understand them and be closer friends with them, and that has also opened my eyes to see how important friends really are.

Playing with others has been such an important thing with me. I know that it must be the backbone of what all makes us feel united as a single group of gamers, and especially for this community at Destructoid. I really wish I could join you guys in Friday Night Fights, but I still have to use dialup, so it’s a little out of the question. I could tell a million stories about all the matches my friends have had, I could even write lengthy descriptions of each of my friends and what it’s like to play with them, but I think this was the best way to capture the whole effect of how great it has been to play Melee with my friends.