Ever since I first played Super Mario RPG on the SNES, I’ve been hooked on JRPGs. I eye my JRPGs the same way a marathon runner might stare down the track focusing in on his inevitable triumph. Even now I’m able to play them quite regularly despite dwindling time. So it may come as no surprise that I also enjoy the Final Fantasy series. Unlike many JRPGs enthusiast I still look forward to and enjoy each installment. Except for XII (I prefer my JRPGs to have more than one scene of character development per character, thank you very much).

When I first imagined what FFXI would be like, I imagined myself and fellow FF fans standing back to back in a dark forest, the low roar of rain hammering down the ground and thunder beating against the sky, all the while fighting off Tonberries, Cactuars, and other beasts of FF lore. I quickly bought the game and the strategy guide at the same time. I read every page of Brady Games’ strategy guide (PFFT, Ninja makes a bad sub job). I was instantly obsessed even before installing the game. Then reality came crashing down. My newly acquired DSL internet was up to speed, but my old computer was not. A year past…

Forced into the back of my mind, my copy of FFXI and its strategy guide sat at the bottom of a closet. Undaunted I saved my money for a new graphics card. Suddenly the only barrier keeping me out of this virtual world disappeared. I peered off the edge of the diving board, and jumped head first into Vana’diel. Every new experience was exactly as I imagined it. Starting out as red mage, being the jack of all trades that I was, I vanquished every worm, bee, sheep, and crab I could touch with my sword. Meeting new friends, joining a link shell, getting a little pocket change, was all well and good, but that wasn’t enough. I needed more power. After hearing rumblings that the Blue Mage job class was going to be introduced, I knew it was the perfect job for me. Destined to up-hold the glory set by Strago, Quina, Quistis, and Kimahri.

And so what happened? I burned out. I tried to reach the top before all my friends, friends who had been playing the game a year longer than I had. A year or two ago, I may have answered to Buchannan in real life. I had to avoid FFXI in jokes with non-FFXI friends. It got to the point where I almost unconsciously said “LOL” in real life. Parties didn’t really want/need a Blue Mage all the time. Most end game events were completely useless to me. As I looked down, back to where I had come from, back into the past… I saw the game for what it really was. It almost felt like the game was a conscious being that hated its players. Never being able to solo, having some idiot talk about how your gear isn’t set up right, NM times/drop rates, requiring large groups to do any mission, the endless grind. Maybe that’s how all MMOs are designed. In the end I knew I had to leave, whether I liked it or not. With the game, I left behind tons of friends, friends who knew how to manage their time way better than me. What depresses me the most was the fact that I wasn’t able to say good bye to all of them.

To its credit, about the time I left, they started making improvements to ease up on the difficulty. I often contemplate about going back, sometimes feeling like I’ve left a big part of my life behind. No game can compare with the feeling of when you first enter Sea, when you get your lvl50 cap items, or when you level your first job up to 75. But in the end, I know if I were to go back, it’d return to the constant balancing act between those far too many “GOD DAMN IT Why can’t I get a party?!!” and the far too few “SWEET MERCIFUL LORD, thank you for this lot# on this NM drop” moments.