WARNING: tl;dr - I wouldn't even bother reading this. no hilarious pictures of failed memes below

isten, I made a mistake. this isn't the same community I joined almost three years ago. I've been away for a while; things are done differently. It has little of that zesty horse cock flavor anymore. the blogs have been sanitized into something akin to the IGN forums. for "my horse and me." Fuck I even think someone gave Jim a proper shower.

so when I posted the blog "brad nicholson sucks cocks" I was still the BHZ who rocketed his way to stardom amidst such classic blogs as http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/BahamutZero/will-user-blogs-be-the-end-of-destructoid--31910.phtml and http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/BahamutZero/i-make-poops-31967.phtml and http://www.destructoid.com/blogs/BahamutZero/fucking-lol-32999.phtml, because, after reading the travesty of the Tales of Vesperia review, well, I felt like Brad Nicholson sucked cocks. But then I realized my mistake: I had seriously undermined my argument by couching it in aggressive, emotional and vulgar terms, which allowed my valid and truthful statement of fact (see, garlic smell) to be rendered easily defeated as "trolling." And it seemed to be something the NEW destructoid didn't take kindly to. Well I don't take kindly to folks who don't take kindly, so let me explain a few thoughts in a clearly thought and rational manner. I will try not to raise my voice, and I will speak in short sentences so brad can understand.

- Brad's review of tales of vesperia begins with a rant against the japanese rpg genre in general. And here you begin to realize why the whole video game review system is still completely and utterly without merit. Why would I want to read a review of japanese rpg from a person who admits they hate japanese rpgs? I wouldn't. And although he makes valid, albeit poorly phrased and cliche points about the genre, what is not understandable is why there isn't a dissenting opinion or possibly the opinion of someone who actually plays japanese rpgs. I, as a video game reviews reader, don't want to read all positive reviews, however I want to read opinions of gamers who are knowledgeable about the game's genre and have similar taste as I do. Well not everyone has similar taste, so what do you? You have more than one reviewer. I know this is attempted here on occasion, but two isn't enough. you need to have, I'd say, at least 3 or 4 opinions to give gamers the best idea of what they are getting. I KNOW the cliches of japanese rpgs. I don't care. I still enjoy them. I want to know, in the pantheon of japanese rpgs, or even among the tales games, how does this one stack up? which leads to the next point,

- What do the numbers even mean? they mean nothing, because what are you comparing the games to when you rate them? do you rate them against every game ever made or all games within a genre? The best badminton game in the world might deserve a ten to focused badminton players, and might have the most flawlessly executed gameplay, but how could you ever even compare it to a half-life 2? It's insane. Games in general should really only be compared against other similar games, because otherwise it's like trying to compare your mom's special clam chowder to the most recent episode of Heroes. (9.4 / 7.76 respectively)

- Brad, starting the review with a spit in the face of the genre of the game you're reviewing is generally not wise and tends to piss people off. I come to destructoid because generally the reviews have been of pretty good quality and the reviewers (in general) tend to have my tastes. More importantly they've been entertaining.

- So here's where I actually started to get pissed off. Half of your review was stating the obvious. We're talking book report grade A classic horse manure filler paragraphs. I could have and did get 75% of the information from your review about Tales of Vesperia from the instruction manual and opening sequence.

- Your lazy, cluttered and boring sentences put me to sleep, but I forced myself to read it. You know what's worse than being controversial? Being bland.

- I could go on but it's not worth the effort. I mean, look at him. I bet he brings a guitar to parties.

You know what? I didn't even like Tales of Vesperia that much. It was just the general lack of effort, the shitty attitude and whitewashing of one of my favorite places to just fuck around that's made me sad. To all of my friends and editors still left here this really wasn't intended to be a personal attack (well except brad) and I hope it isn't taken personally.

yours truly,

-BHZ

PS. If you don't hear from me again Niero had me killed with some Miami connections, and I want you all to know it was totally worth it