So my xbox is still at the "service center" pictured below, along with Jerry and Mauricio, senior techs in charge of expediting xbox repairs:

and obviously, they have taken my xbox into the back and have been trying to improve their psychokinesis

"Hey Jerry, check it out. I just took a bunch of mushrooms, and I'm staring at this guy's red rings, and all of a sudden I am at one with the circuits. did you know there are snakes in there?"

"dude get the fuck back here. It's your turn in beerball and there's no way we're losing to marketing. we're making them do the naked lap this time."

and so on...

anyway.

what was I saying? right.

So I recently remembered I had about 5000 wii points in vc I bought with the console but there were fuck-all games for the vc so I just sat on the points. Well recently I purchased a few titles and now I am obsessed. For one thing, the classic controller is sex. it has both the best analog joysticks and D-pad of any controller I have ever lovingly caressed between my snausage fingers. (yes, snausages. I'm not fat, my fingers just look like snausages.) Without further ado, 4 games that, should you find yourself with the funds, BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF ANYTHING PSN or XBLA HAVE TO OFFER:



1. Lords of Thunder - TG16

This is perhaps my favorite shooter of all time. Tough but fair, with a megaman-style level select mechanism, powerups purchased by crystal rewards, four different elemental weapons, and fucking awesome bosses, I literally had an impulse to grab quarters from my pocket when I died. It lasted a fraction of a second, but at that moment I knew this was shooter fucking heaven. Perfectly balanced, with amazing control and punishing but reasonable difficulty.

2. Soldier Blade - TG16

Possibly one of the best vertical shooters ever made, this game has a great powerup/weapons system and is EXTREMELY addictive.

3. Axelay - SNES

Utilizing some iffy-though-entertaining Mode 7 sections and kickass-better-than-R-type 2D scrolling, along with a great weapons system, I would easily say this is the best shooter for the SNES, and I don't say that lightly. The bosses are bigger, cooler and more vividly memorable than even Lords of Thunder but the difficulty curve is also ridiculous.

4. Sin and Punishment - N64 JPN Import - Treasure

I have never played anything quite like Sin and Punishment. Parts TimeCop, Ikaruga, Rez, & Panzer Dragoon, this game is easily in my top 3 all time, any genre. This game alone is reason enough to own a wii. Honestly. If you buy this game, and beat the Aircraft Carrier level, and still aren't impressed, I will gladly come to your house and punch you in the cock. Your character moves in 3d, although somewhat on rails, and you have free targeting of the area around you. Picture the awesome shape and space changing 3D backgrounds in Ikaruga, except they are all interactive and locked to the camera. It's a difficult game to explain but honestly it gets my vote for best game on the wii

I know there are more games like Gunstar heros, Blazing Lazers, Super Star Soldier and Gradius that are good as well, but those are sort of classic standards I expect everyone to know about. Because I'm an elitist prick.

oh yeah, and FUCK YOU Bill. I want my xbox bitch. looking so goddam smug with your billions of dollars and your hot philanthropist wife.