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Name: Bahamut "Mancakes" Zero
Blood Type: ICE
Fighting Style: MAVERICK
Favorite Stance: legalize it.
Weapon of choice: Christopher Walken
Drug of choice: crack. mostly crack.
1st Alternate Drug of choice: huffin' duster
2nd Alternate Drug of choice: icy hot
Favorite Book: God Hand
Favorite Movies: Gin and Tonic
Favorite Game: Medieval 2 Total War
Weakness: gas
Favorite writer: Criss Angel
Current room status: sparse.
Mood: Better than a tranny pequeno Amy Winehouse

my robot

my dog.

my naughty girl.

mai waifu

my snack hole

my setup.
Following (112)  

10:40 AM on 05.16.2012

So I used to be Kind of a Big Deal around here. At one point I had over five destructoid friends. I knew a guy who knew a guy who sat in a wine-filled bathtub with Jim Sterling. ahem huskyhog I may have, at one point, brushed shoulders with Niero himself. I don't think he noticed. It was in a huge crowd. And he may have been a black. Anyway, the point of all this is that I used to be, at one time, pretty obsessed with video games, before I discovered girls. last year.

I pretty much played video games all day like most of you, and spent exorbitant, lavish fortunes buying rare and collectible games like Madden '09 and NBA 2K11. I did "multiplayer gaming". I "argued with people on the internet" and "socialized with few physical people."

Yet while I still play games to a large extent, as I got towards the latter half of my twenties I found out that there is only a limited amount of time in life, and I was getting more satisfaction from creating things and pleasuring a woman than I was from yelling at virtual people who were stupid, making impressive save game files and trolling the internet. I know this is shocking but bare with me.

So cruelly, while my income suddenly increased from actual work output and a renewed interest in a career of some kind, I had much less time to play the vidya. Moving in with your lady can also devastate your solo entertainment hours, as I'm sure many of you can attest. This leads me to the current day, where if I can snatch two hours of straight time to play my favorite Dora the Explorer Learning Adventures, it's like an extra hour of exercise time in the yard for a prisoner who's been stuck in the hole for two weeks because his metaphors were too long in that video game personal blog he was keeping.

And now I finally come to the point, which is, fuck video games. yeah blah blah blah DLC is ruining shit DRM etc etc its all been said before. But seriously, when your "prize" for pre-ordering a game at gamestop is the chance to enter 5 25-digit codes for shit you are NEVER GOING TO USE AND WHICH EVERYONE ELSE ON EARTH HAS ALSO ATTAINED OR STOLEN, there is something wrong with the whole fucking system.

I mean think about it - if everyone pre-orders the game at gamestop, which the majority of players probably have, it's not a BONUS if you get the prize, it's a PENALTY FOR NOT SHOPPING AT GAMESTOP. Within the game. That affects gameplay. And a good example is mass effect 3. Those brilliant, insane, satanic and douchebag CEOS in marketing have figured out if you require multiplayer with a positive ending, then sell DLC that improves multiplayer for someone, then they can basically SELL YOU A BETTER ENDING.

It's like those DLC codes that unlock a whole game for you. What is the point? If you do that you are a worthless human being. I play games to challenge myself and feel rewarded for overcoming obstacles. That is the basic reason I play games. This new paradigm teaches kids that you can just throw money at problems to make them go away. Which is why I guess this new generation of children is fucked. And why gamers get a bad name because they are all whiney

So my final point, is if you make video games, or are involved in some way, and you're reading this: people don't like DRM. People don't like entering 25 digit redeem codes. People don't like on-disc DLC because it seems exploitative. People don't like in-game advertising, no matter what your market research says.


FUCK the trend of "boxed dlc". This is not a rant against ALL dlc, but the recent, ass-fucking trend of including "perks" that only the buyer of a NEW game receives for free, via a boxed insert. This content is already on the disc; anyone who picks up a used copy gets raped for 3.99 or whatever if they want to use the game as it was intended to be played.

I recently purchased a NEW copy of "The Saboteur" which included a ticket to the "midnight show" DLC; basically it takes the pastis off the shitty digital nipples in the game, and unlocks a couple new hiding places. What-the-fuck-ever. Anyway, after being prompted by the game itself to enter my code, I did.

It didn't work. I tried three times. I called tech support. No help. And yes I entered the code fucking right, thank you Angela at customer service

Whether this was hackers generating valid codes for themselves or EA's servers fucking up, this is an inevitable and abhorrant trend in gaming. Even worse, when I inspected my "ticket" I found the "free" DLC for purchasers of this NEW game only had ONE FUCKING YEAR to reclaim this code. That's right, if you buy a new copy of The Saboteur after Dec. 31 2010, you have to pay four fucking dollars to see those boobs you paid hard-earned cash for. A more blatant raping of your wallet never before existed.

I bought this hamburger but I need to pay for the bun after I buy it

I have this DVD but five scenes are locked until I find an internet connection and send money through paypal

I bought some weed but it can only be smoked in this custom pipe. $5 opens the carb

Open up a copy of Super Mario Bros. from 20 years ago and the game still fucking works.

There are rumors Activision et al are going to be starting to force people to play for multiplayer for their games. Wait, I thought I already paid $50 fucking dollars a year for LIVE. I have more to say, so send me a paypal for .99 and you can hear the rest of it

I believe this is a sign of the apocolypse.

Who the fuck would ever in a million billion years buy this piece of shit? even if it's the most exciting game about scooping ice cream ever made it's still the worst idea for a game ever made.

I mean what the fuck.

"Hey guys, want to come over to my house, get high, and pretend to scoop ice cream into a bowl on TV? Then afterwards we can wish we had real ice cream and beat ourselves even more retarded with 2x4s."

I never had much love for the wii, but seriously, the system is such a fucking joke at this point that there are games that are literally nothing more than paid advertising for specific brands. As in, YOU HAVE TO PAY TO BE ADVERTISED TO. Shit makes me ill.

gratuitous cats awwwww
So, stuck at home for thanksgiving with nothing to do and a broken cellphone so I couldn't call any friends, I decided to check out Steam. I'm smarter than I look. I found the THQ complete pack for $49.99 and couldn't believe the deal. I probably would have bought it for $99.99 considering the insane amount of awesome games it comes with.

* Company of Heroes
* Company of Heroes: Opposing Fronts
* Frontlines: Fuel of War
* Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
* S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Shadow of Chernobyl
* Titan Quest
* Titan Quest – Immortal Throne
* Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War – Dark Crusade
* Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War – Gold Edition
* Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War – Soulstorm
* Full Spectrum Warrior* and
* Full Spectrum Warrior: Ten Hammers

So, considering I ONLY played Titan Quest this weekend, I'd say I've already gotten my moneys worth. If you've ever glanced at an RTS this list is like an orgasm in jean shorts. Company of heroes is probably one of my favorite RTS of all time, and the warhammer games are solid gold - especially dark crusade, which has like 14 different factions, and most of them are amazing and well balanced. STALKER SoC has gotten positive reviews (I loved the original) and full spectrum warrior and Juiced are just icing.

Let me get to Titties Quest - it's 3D Diablo 2 with better graphics, awesome skills / classes and set in ancient Greek mythology. It kicks all kind of amazing ass, and I'm playing it right now despite having MOW2 and Assassin's Creed 2 sitting in front of me.


it's only $49.99 til monday

what I imagine Pachter looks like after he takes off his human clothes

Because the game is the fucking TITS. Really, all I need to tell you is that it's a excellently well-done combination of Mass Effect and Crackdown. Throw in dashes of Fallout, System Shock and Shadowrun (the original, not the modern abortion) and I think you get the idea. I got it early. and now I have a video game boner.

I know a guy©

no spoilers, I promise

Why Uncharted 2 is amazing:

It has the best, most refined animation I have ever seen in a game. I'm not even talking about the spectacular attention to modeling, texturing and lighting, but the fluidity of character movement and actor's blocking, seamless action mocap and facial expressions that has been seriously improved since the last game. An original I already considered in the top 3 games of all time. On top of that I think Naughty Dog has some of the best texture artists in the business, apart from maybe Epic or Infinity Ward - the small touches are staggering. It's the closest thing to being in a movie I have yet to experience.

The plot is excellent so far, there are tons of extras and collectibles for replay value. I haven't even touched the multiplayer yet.

oh yeah and Drake becomes a zombie