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Feel the hatred: Jim Sterling
BFeld13 | 9:16 PM on 09.07.2008 53 comments




He’s one of Destructoid’s most prolific editors, and he’s a bit of a self-righteous wanker too. For this Monthly Musing, I’m feeling the hatred for Jim Sterling. Seriously, the man is absolutely worthless. All he does is flamebait, and post low review scores, and lazily vomit press releases and misogynistic dribble while the rest of us have sat back and taken it. But no longer shall I allow this too happen.

Let’s examine why Jim Sterling is probably the worst writer covering the games industry today.

First off, Mr. Sterling is absolutely terrible when comes to writing the most basic part of an article: the headline. How long have we let him effectively lower our IQs with completely idiotic headlines such as “Far Cry 2 collector's edition is both collectible, and an edition,” “Ninja Blade producer talks about Ninja. Also, blades,” “Ninjatown screens: More ninja and towns than you can handle!,” “Saihai no Yukue screenshots want to Saihai your Yukue,” and many others. It’s atrocious! A seven-year-old chimpanzee with Down Syndrome could write better than that. In fact, Destructoid should start looking for a seven-year-old chimpanzee with an extra chromosome to replace the snooty, son of a bitch they have currently.

But his propensity for shitty post titles is only one of the reasons Jim Sterling makes my blood boil. Even worse than that is Jim’s biased, and utterly infuriating method of reviewing games. He gave Grand theft Auto IV an 8. An 8! What the fuck was he thinking honestly? Here’s an excerpt from his review (I’ve taken the liberty of cutting out the unnecessary drivel):

The Euphoria engine makes interacting with Liberty City's inhabitants hilarious (the first time one of them grabs the car you just stole is a moment of sheer joy) and the attention to detail is marvelous. A title that makes just watching an in-game television fun has to be worthy of praise, and the satire and wit that has been put into everything from the game's dialog to its plethora of radio stations (LRR has an ELO song on its playlist!) ensures that Grand Theft Auto IV is consistently entertaining….GTA IV is simply unparalleled…It's… a perfect game,… one of the best damn rides you'll get from your Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 this year.

Does that not sound like a ten, possibly a ten and a half? How can you give it an 8 when GTA was probably the greatest achievement that mankind has ever produced. I don’t want to use hyperbole, but my distant cousin had cancer, and the day GTA came out, she was miraculously cured…. until she collapsed in her home and died alone a week later. Jim Sterling is obviously just trying to bait us true gamers.

It doesn’t stop at GTA IV though, as Sterling was also totally biased against Too Human from the start. I read the review, and the game certainly didn’t warrant the 2 that it received. Once again, I’ve excerpted the evidence for you to see. No text has been changed.

An interesting concept… I respect…the writers....

He said it right there! Too Human is interesting. Then Jim starts trolling for page hits:

The combat is incredibly badly designed, and to further add to the frustration is the fact that it is incredibly unbalanced. Baldur has no ability to block, nor can he regenerate health without relying on item drops (unless you choose the right character class). His only means of defending attack is a pathetic dodge move that more often than not sees you rolling right into one of the thousand bullets that fly across the screen at any given moment… Every time you die, you are forced to watch a 25-second-long cutscene in which a Valkyrie descends and carries Baldur off. It is the same scene every time -- the same animation, the same awful music, and the same length.

I played the demo once about halfway through, so I know exactly what the full game is like. The combat is totally cool and easy. I loved the ice skating thing they added in (which adds a subtext to the story I might add), and the fact that there are upwards of one thousand bullets on screen at once makes it a technical marvel! It’s awesome.

Also, the death cutscene is superb. First of all, the cutscene is only like 17 seconds so Sterling is distorting the facts to make the game seem bad. 25 seconds isn’t that long, but it seems that way to Jim here because 25 seconds is all it takes for him to engorge an entire box of crème puffs like a boa constrictor. Plus, the music and animation in this game are superb. I listen to it on my Zune™ every day now.



Finally, and this is key, Jim Sterling is a furry. He blatantly let his furry flag fly recently when he said that he wanted to fuck Rouge the bat, stating that the virtuous Rouge “looks like a total slag who'd go all the way for a handful of Pringles. That makes her worth a deposit in the tossbank as far as I am concerned.” Aside from gross misuse of British colloquialisms, Jim Sterling fucks slutty bats.

I hope you readers have seen how Jim Sterling has tainted Destructoid’s reputation. Personally, I vomit instinctively whenever I see he’s written another article. I once coughed up a kidney after reading one of his “Golden Rules” pieces. Don’t let the terror continue any longer. Say NO to Jim Sterling.



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49 comments | showing # 1 to 49
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Macca's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:29
Macca
COMMENT DAMMIT
topgeargorilla's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:29
topgeargorilla
OMG. My blood boils
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:31
king3vbo
MOAR COMMENTING
Prince Ghidorah's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:35
Prince Ghidorah
He's one of the few people on this earth willing to defend Dynasty Warriors. The guy is O.K. in my book.
Brian Szabelski's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:37
Brian Szabelski
God damn you, Jim Sterling.
Guagloves's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:40
Guagloves
DEFEAT ENEMY OFFICERS FOR GREAT JUSTICE
Shin Oni's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:41
Shin Oni
Jim Sterling...lol. Jim wins sir.

ENEMY OFFICER DEFEATED!
IzekialRage's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:42
IzekialRage


BURN HIM!!!
falinter's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:46
falinter
Cue the 'Sterli-maniacs'

All joking aside, Jim's the best... around... no ones ever gonna keep him down.
The Bez's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:46
The Bez
king3vbo should be playing diablo 2 that traitorous swine
Dao2-SKP's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:48
Dao2-SKP
it's well written :P
ThunderHeartXI's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:49
ThunderHeartXI
SHIT STOOOORRRRMMMM
Alexradl's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 21:51
Alexradl
Why do you have to be such a twatwaffle, Jim?
aborto thefetus's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:15
aborto thefetus
OH GOD, THE SARCASM IN THIS BLOG IS KILLING ME!!!
DanMazkin's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:28
DanMazkin
Awww come on, give him a break, he is english after all. It's like kicking a cripple because his legs look funny and can't chase after you.
F Whipple's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:30
F Whipple
bahahahahahaha

This made my day. 11/10
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:30
Aaron Mxy Yost
Who the fuck is Jim Sterling?
RICHARD BLOCKER's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:35
RICHARD BLOCKER
You son of a bitch. I'm going to kill you with my penis.
Jim Sterling's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:37
Jim Sterling
Ugh, no way should Jim Sterling be getting scores of 2/10. He's worth at least 5/10 and if you score lower than that, you obviously suck at Jim Sterling and/or reviewing.
Scrixx's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:41
Scrixx
A COMMENT FOR YOUZ.
Puppy Licks's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 22:42
Puppy Licks
I think Jim would greatly approve of a controversy-laden post such as this. It's just ironic that the post is about him.
ace of knaves's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:05
ace of knaves
Hahaha, brilliant. Take out the stuff about the Valkyrie cutscene and Rouge and this almost sounds serious.
Endstiem's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:13
Endstiem
jokerclap.gif
Aziel13's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:15
Aziel13
MOAR!
Samit Sarkar's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:24
Samit Sarkar
Jim Sterling raped my sister. It's true.
GohanGVO's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:30
GohanGVO
Forgoing the usual resounding golf clap, this shall be rewarded with a standing ovation.

Bravo, sir.
the GAMEGOBLIN's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:34
the GAMEGOBLIN
JIM STERLING IS AN ENGROSSING MAN. YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, HE'S TOO DEEP FOR YOU.
braulio09's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:39
braulio09
Hey, anyone willing to fuck a slutty bat is fine by me.
Crunshii's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:42
Crunshii
well duh! he's british or something... this comes to no surprise...
10BobMarleys's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:45
10BobMarleys
Jim can engorge a box of cream puffs? Now that is sexy.
10BobMarleys's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:46
10BobMarleys
Sorry for the double post, I just thought I'd better add that Sterling is a sprog-gobbling cunt.
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/07/2008 23:57
ArrestedDeveloper
Jim Sterling finger banged Denis Dyack, not figuratively, he actually pleasured Denis with his fingers.
The Amazing Shenazin's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 01:09
The Amazing Shenazin
I like to think that Jim is the reincarnation of Oliver Reed
greeneggsnsam's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 01:14
greeneggsnsam
I blame Jim's programmer.
10BobMarleys's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 02:46
10BobMarleys
lol, Hookah is back to troll some more. I wouldn't start on Jim, Hookah, you'll get owned.
nebones's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 03:08
nebones
My mind just got blown
ajaxender's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 04:49
ajaxender
I enjoyed this blog, and the responses, especially Jim himself's.
Excel-2011's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 06:48
Excel-2011
I'm not a fan of his brand of "satire", "do want" attitude or commentary myself but I feel the scores he gives are fair.
Vitamin Awesome's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 07:25
Vitamin Awesome
After reading this review, I'd have to say that Jim Sterling is rather Jim. Also, Sterling.
gotdurnrite's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 07:38
gotdurnrite
Confirmed! Jim is a bloody wanker.
Clance's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 07:43
Clance
To divide opinion so greatly takes something. It's a good trait.
Demtor's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 08:46
Demtor
Some of his humor is a bit off beat and overly perverted, but thats what I like about his style. Its different. As far as the reviews, everything I've read from him seems pretty spot on to me. Good post though, even if I disagree with your opinion.
pendelton21's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 10:53
pendelton21
I think Rouge has great tits.
mistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 12:06
mistic
awesome blog :)
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 14:16
AgentMOO
Cuntroversy!
smurfee mcgee's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/08/2008 17:07
smurfee mcgee
"Jim Sterling fucks slutty bats."
oh my. fucking hilarious, sir.
RestingSound's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/19/2008 08:00
RestingSound
You had me until "…It's… a perfect game,…" well done sir.
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